The Wedding Ringer - 11/11/04 recap

Wayner · 11-13-2004, 04:19 AM

The popularity of reality television shows continues to explode at an ever increasing rate. Despite the fact that “Survivor: Vanuatu” and “The Apprentice 2” are the only two shows in the genre that consistently finish among the top shows in the Nielsen Ratings, networks keep churning them out. Why? The fact that they are cheap to produce is probably one of the main considerations. A lack of creativity and original thinking is probably another. Networks keep trying to copy and one-up each other, which isn’t a good thing. Why? Because every “Survivor” brings us an “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!” The success of “The Apprentice” has lead to “The Benefactor” and more recently “The Rebel Billionaire.” This last show has been described as a cross between “The Apprentice” and “The Amazing Race.” And while those are two very popular shows, I’m not sure the combination will work. However, in keeping with this trend in television, I’m going to be in Hollywood next week pitching an idea for the next big hit in Reality TV: “The Last Extreme Amazing Rebel Apprentice Billionaire Swap Factor: Vanuatu.”

Those of you familiar to the show will not be surprised that we join the candidates in the suite, discussing who they think has been eliminated. Those of you not familiar with the show, well, what the heck have you been doing for the last ten weeks, and why are you here? Andy asks Jen who she hopes is gone, and she predictably tells him that she hopes Ivana is gone because she thinks Ivana is disruptive.

Kevin the Buff and Ivana the Disruptor return to the suite. Andy welcomes her back, and takes a shot at dear, departed Raj in the process. “You can’t build half a house and the project manager not go. It’s not even a question.” We knew that because it didn’t have one of these “?” at the end of the statement, Andy.

The candidates are discussing things over dinner. In the board room last week, he angered The Donald by declaring the team to be a disaster. As a reward for raising Trump’s ire, Chris was made project manager by Trump himself. Chris says that it’s time to put up or shut up, to sink or swim. Chris, prepare to shut up and sink.

In confessional, Chris tells us that when he complained he knew Trump would make him project manager. This surprises me, because I thought he was trying to get the teams switched up. But I’ll take the man at his word. For some reason his accent just makes me feel at home. He also tells us of Trump “At the end of the day he wants to see who’s strong, so I put myself on the chopping block.” There’s an old sci-fi horror flick called “Scanners.” In the film, there were people that had the ability to use their minds to make people’s heads explode. I’m convinced that the mental beam they were transmitting that caused the cranial combustion was the phrase “At the end of the day.” I believe this, because I’ve heard this phrase used so much on this program that I am pretty sure my head will explode if I hear it one more time.

Chris holds an Apex team meeting out on the balcony. He tells them “It’s not personal, it’s bleeping business.” Clearly, Chris has seen this saying in text of the opening credits and decided to add a bleep to jack with the FCC. Chris says they aren’t there to make friends. Jen tells them “I have full respect for all of you, I like all of you – not that that matters – but I honestly think we can all work together really well.” I find this hard to believe. Last week Jen ripped into Ivana, telling her that she was only good for entering numbers into a spreadsheet. So, either Jen is hoping Ivana missed the show last week, or she only hurts the ones she loves.

As the Apex squad gathers to sing Kumbaya, Mosaic is picking a project manager. Kelly asks “Would you be upset if I just said I’m going to lead?” Andy is the only one that doesn’t like this idea. Kelly continues. “I think I’m the most effective leader.” Kelly is also certain that his modesty is surpassed only by his good looks. I’m guessing.

Since Kelly tried to bully his way into the PM role this week, Andy figures he’ll try the same plan. “If you aren’t going to hand it over to me then we need to draw.” Of course, it’s hard to bully a group of people when you look like the new millennium’s Richie Cunningham. They draw. Kelly wins, and again, Andy is the only one that seems upset with this result. Why is it that I expect the next word from Sandy, Maria, or Wes to be “Baaaaa”?

It’s Impossible

The next morning, Kelly answers the phone wrapped in a towel. “Hello, this is Kelly.” Rona from Mr. Trump’s office tells him the candidates are to meet at Tavern on the Green. “Got it.” She says goodbye, he says nothing, just hangs up. No goodbye. No thank you. That’s just rude, you should always be nice to the little people. Now that would be a good weekly word of wisdom from Trump.

The teams gather at Tavern on the Green to meet Trump. Carolyn is with him, and George is back. Yes, I know, it’s all so thrilling. The Donald tells them that at least once a week there is a wedding at Tavern on the Green. “I know something about weddings – unfortunately – but someday I’m going to get it right.” Do you think his fiancé Melania was a little less than enthused by “Someday”?

Trump gives them their task for the week. Each team will be given empty retail space, and their job will be to create a bridal shop. Trump says “Do you hear that Sandy? Boy do you have an advantage. If you lose this time this would not be good.” Just a reminder; Sandy owns a bridal salon!!! The only way this task could have been more lopsided would have been if Trump told them that…wait, it couldn’t be any more lopsided. Once the teams get their shops set up, they will conduct a four hour sale. The team with the greatest profit wins.

Kelly is very confident they will win because they have a ringer in Sandy. No doubt Kelly had this same feeling back in junior high when his mommy did his homework for him. And don’t go blaming the poor woman, I’m sure he bullied her into it.

Chris and his team are stunned, and look like they’ve already lost. I won’t keep you in suspense; they have. Chris points out that Mosaic has a huge advantage in Sandy.

Apex checks out their retail space, and Chris suggests that they call vendors to come and sell their wares and split the profits. Just why the vendors will want to do this isn’t explained, but I’m sure Chris has that all figured out.

Over at Mosaic, Sandy is running the show. She wants to make appointments with bridal salons, meet, and negotiate inventory. Kelly wants Wes and Maria to develop a marketing message while he goes to the salons with Sandy and Andy. Sandy tells them to contact theknot.com, a wedding site that registers thousands of brides to be, and work with them to broadcast an email advertisement. Sandy specifically tells them to include the team’s cell phone number in the advertisement.

Andy points it out that Kelly is getting a free ride as project manager. “Kelly’s role really was to delegate the expertise to Sandy and ride Sandy to his exemption.” Clearly Andy isn’t impressed with Kelly. But then, no one is as impressed with Kelly as Kelly himself.

Back to Apex. Chris is making calls to vendors, trying to entice them to partake of his plan. His big pitch? Um, he doesn’t really have one. Call after call he is rejected. In fact, some of the rejections make Kelly’s phone etiquette with Rona seem warm and friendly by comparison. Chris is losing what little hope he’d mustered, and he tells his team “This is really, really, really a tough task. Almost impossible.” He sits on the floor, head in his hands, and a little smiley face drawn on one knee. I never thought of Chris as the smiley face type.

Ivana isn’t impressed by Chris’ attitude, and she lets us know. “To throw up your hands that early in the game is pathetic.” Yes, but at least he was doing more than flipping through bridal magazines like the rest of the go getters on the team.

Believe in Yourself

This week Trump tells us about the little known power of positive thinking. “Positive attitude is all about self-confidence, and self-confidence is the whole ballgame. If you don’t have a positive attitude in life, you’ll never, ever be successful.” No mention as to whether or not a smiling knee qualifies as part of a positive attitude. I wish Trump would bag these sweeping generalizations and give us some details once in a while.

In a meeting with a salon owner, Andy tries to actually participate instead of making Sandy do all the work. With Carolyn looking on, he tells the salon owner “If we were in the car business we would have everything from a Honda to a Ferrari, and you’re our Ferrari and we’re going to make sure that you’re taken care of.” The woman doesn’t look amused, which means she probably drives a Porsche. Afterwards, Carolyn needles Andy. “Hondas and Ferraris? You’ve never done this before have you Andy?” In fact no, none of them have. Except the wedding ringer.

Salon Style

Sandy manages to put together an inventory of between 200 and 250 dresses. As long as marketing hasn’t been mishandled, they’ll be fine. Which brings us to Wes and Maria. They have contacted theknot.com, and for $1,000 they have an email advertisement that is going out to 23,000 brides in the New York area. Maria reviews the ad copy online and approves it over the phone. But we have a clear view of the copy on the computer, and Maria’s hand. There’s a problem, and I’m not talking about the hideous five pound ring Maria is wearing. I’ll give you a hint; what did Sandy specifically say should be included in the ad? I’ll give you another hint. It’s a number used to connect to something Andy lost a few weeks ago.

Apex is now being managed by the Little Engine That Couldn’t. “I can’t do this.” he tells them. Jen suggests that if they go into places and meet with them they are more likely to be successful. Chris continues his decent from the Apex. “This is very, very, very complicated. Very frustrating.” Ivana tells him “Keep your head up.” I think she’s wishing they were in combat and under fire. “It is up. But this is impossible. No task is easy but this is friggin’ ridiculous.” No man with a smiley face on his knee has the right to call anything ridiculous. There’s a rule about this somewhere.

The Apex folks take Jen’s suggestion. Ivan goes with Kevin, while Chris and his hang-dog expression drag along behind Jen. Jen showed energy and enthusiasm and helped them line up deals to sell product from six different vendors.

By the way, one of those annoying, obtrusive programming banners appeared at the bottom of the screen. ER is coming up next. Ray Liotta guest stars as some sort of dying alcoholic. I saw him during one of the commercials. He looked awful, and yet he still looked like he had more hope than Chris.

Ivana and Kevin meet with Bernadette from The Bridal Suite of Manhattan. She was a huge help, answering all their questions. She even came to their location and gave them tips on layout and sales techniques. Apex felt that she was like their own version of Sandy. Unfortunately for them, their version didn’t tell them about theknot.com

Is Blinging a Word?

In the Mosaic camp, Sandy has discovered that their advertisement has no phone number. Maria told her that the woman that took their order must have edited in out without approval. I went back on my recording and verified; there was no phone number on the copy that Maria approved. Okay, lying is wrong. Lying is a sign of poor character. Lying about something that can be verified on film is a sign of stupidity. This is the first sign of a chink in Mosaic’s armor.

Meanwhile, Wes and Kevin load a truck with dresses. Wes drives – sort of. He hit a parked truck and broke it’s taillight. I hope NBC took the insurance on the rental. When they reach their destination, they can’t open the sliding door on the truck; it’s jammed. When Wes asks Kelly “Do you know what happened?” Kelly pulls no punches. “Yeah, I do. You drove like a bleeping maniac.” Could this be a second chink in their armor?

Mosaic gathers at their salon. Sandy is doing almost all the work, and she isn’t pleased. She asks to speak to Kelly outside, and tells him that everyone is putting all the pressure on her, nobody is hustling, and she has a bad feeling about this task. It’s not a third straight sign of weakness for the team, it’s just a weak effort to put the outcome of this task in doubt with the viewers.

The next morning, Apex is busy handing out fliers at Penn Station. Jen thinks they did a good job of blanketing New York. I don’t know if their fliers have a phone number on them or not, but at the rate they are ending up in the trash or the gutter, I don’t think it matters.

Sandy takes Andy and Maria to theknot.com to look into correcting the email problem. Of course, it quickly becomes apparent to Sandy that it’s not an email problem, but a Maria problem. “Maria was caught in a bold faced lie. “I just hate it when people don’t take accountability.” This is the second time this season that Maria screwed up and lied about it. Trump doesn’t seem like the kind of guy that needs a third strike. It’s only a matter of time before Maria takes the long walk to the taxi.

George enters the Apex store front, where he is greeted by Jen. “Hi, we’re having a bridal sample sale today.” George is immune to Jen’s charm, in fact it seems to annoy him. “Not for me, I’m not in the market.” He asks what Apex has done for advertising other than the flier, and learns that the second part of their two pronged attack is to have some artists paint the window. As we’ll learn in a moment, those are two pretty lousy prongs.

When the competition gets underway, Mosaic has almost 40 women lined up waiting for the doors to open. Apex has two. ‘Nuff said. When the results are announced, Mosaic sold twenty-seven dresses for a profit of $12,788.94. Apex sold two dresses for $1,060.47 in profit.

For the first time this season, the reward is something of monetary value; the winning team is going to meet Trump’s fiancé Melania at Graff Jewelers, where as a team they will be purchasing $50,000 in diamond jewelry. To keep.

At Graff, Melania greets the members of Mosaic wearing a semi-transparent baby-doll top. I don’t want to say that it was too low cut, but she might as well have introduced herself by saying “Hello, I’m Melania and these are my breasts.”

The ladies are allowed to try on necklaces ranging in price from four to six million dollars each. Sandy comments that they were “Blinging all over the place.” Once the Graff product placement portion of the show is over, the team purchases their bling. Wes buys a necklace for his wife, and Andy picks up something for his mom. That they purchased gifts instead of spending the money on themselves said a lot about the kind of guys they are. And the fact that Kelly, Sandy, and Maria all bought items for themselves also speaks volumes. Kelly bought a Graff watch. Not that he was having any Rolex envy brought about by Chris’ Rolex Presidential or anything.

Back at the suite, Chris is asleep on the couch, an open copy of one of Trump’s books on his chest. The discussion the rest of the team is having says as much about each of them as the Mosaic team’s selection of jewelry. Kevin is disgusted with the ass whipping they received. Ivana points out that the got beaten in every phase of the game. Jen is more concerned with the fact that the other team just got $50,000 in jewelry. Ah, priorities.

Can They Fire Everybody?

As they prepare to face the music in the board room, a few members of Apex share their thoughts. Kevin thinks Chris should be fired, but he also believes that Trump could decide they’re all terrible and fire the lot them. Trump wouldn’t do that, would he?

Chris tells us “I’m a fighter no matter what. I would never just go down unless I’m swinging.” Really? Because you pretty much did exactly that in the task. Unless telling your team the task is really, really hard counts as a swing.

The discussion between Apex and the Trump side of the table is quick. The lack of a marketing plan was criticized. Chris felt the task was impossible because the other team had Sandy. Kevin complained that Chris didn’t delegate, and Jen felt he lacked focus. Oh come on, didn’t you hear how focused he was all the times he told you that you couldn’t win? Trump tries to keep a positive attitude about Chris. Because that’s the catch phrase of the week. “He makes me feel good though, you know I love his accent, it makes me feel at home.”

Chris decides to let Jen go back to the suite, which means he’ll be bringing Ivana and Kevin into the board room with him for elimination. He let Jen go because she did the least horrible job. There’s a rousing endorsement.

In the lobby, both Kevin and Ivana question why Chris would protect Jen. Ivana goes so far as to declare that Jen is all presentation, all talk. I think that’s selling her short; she’s also equal parts blonde hair and blindingly white teeth. Or is that part of presentation? I need a ruling from the judges on this one.

Trump talks things over with George and Carolyn. It is agreed that Apex showed no spark and none of them said anything positive. George is apparently trying to distinguish between Apex and the Alinta Tribe on “Survivor: Vanuatu. “I didn’t see any fire from any of them.” Trump agrees. “There’s no fire in these people.” George continues the fire talk. “There’s no spark.” Carolyn, seemingly desperate to end all this inflammatory talk simply suggests “Send them home.” Which is what Kevin predicted prior to the board room. Oooooh.

Robin sends them back in with “Please go back into the board room.” Wait, more new lines? Has somebody been taking acting lessons?

The Donald immediately asks Chris why he let Jen off the hook. It turns out it’s because two vendors told him that if Jen wasn’t a lawyer that she could sell dresses. Carolyn scoffs at this notion. “You sold two dresses, how good could she be?!” When asked for her opinion of Chris as a leader, Ivana rips him. “I think Chris is really good at identifying problems, and when I say that I mean he’s really good at complaining.” Donald doesn’t like her attitude. “You know, she has the most unbelievable backhanded slaps I’ve ever seen.” That’s saying something; the man has two ex-wives.
Chris and Trump both point out that this is Ivana’s fifth trip to the board room. Chris adds that this is his first trip. Still, Kevin would fire Chris, as would Ivana. Trump further taunts Chris by telling him that if he had brought Jen in with the team that she might have been fired. “I can’t believe you let her go. And I can’t believe you lead the team so badly. And Chris, you’re fired.”

In the lobby, Chris gave a nice smile to the elevator guy, because he understands the importance of treating the little people with respect. More respect than I’m giving them by calling them little. Oops.

Chris also gives one of the most mature, appreciative taxi confessionals the show has ever seen. I’d tell you more about it, but he used a phrase that would make my head explode.

It’s a nice day for a Billy Idol tune. wayner@fansofrealitytv.com

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speedbump · 11-13-2004, 05:14 AM

Quote:

She says goodbye, he says nothing, just hangs up. No goodbye. No thank you. That’s just rude, you should always be nice to the little people. Now that would be a good weekly word of wisdom from Trump. I noticed that too. What an ass.

Apex is now being managed by the Little Engine That Couldn’t.

At Graff, Melania greets the members of Mosaic wearing a semi-transparent baby-doll top. I don’t want to say that it was too low cut, but she might as well have introduced herself by saying “Hello, I’m Melania and these are my breasts.”

Ivana goes so far as to declare that Jen is all presentation, all talk. I think that’s selling her short; she’s also equal parts blonde hair and blindingly white teeth. Or is that part of presentation? I need a ruling from the judges on this one.

Great stuff, Wayner!!! Always love your recaps.

SQUATMAN · 11-13-2004, 09:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wayner

However, in keeping with this trend in television, I’m going to be in Hollywood next week pitching an idea for the next big hit in Reality TV: “The Last Extreme Amazing Rebel Apprentice Billionaire Swap Factor: Vanuatu.”

Trump, Cuban, Branson and (heck,why not) Gates are stranded in the jungle, made to swap each others corporations, are force to eat yooge bugs and run business via AOL IM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wayner

Do you think his fiancé Melania was a little less than enthused by “Someday”?

Great catch !

That goes for Trump as well

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wayner

Ivana isn’t impressed by Chris’ attitude, and she lets us know. “To throw up your hands that early in the game is pathetic.” Yes, but at least he was doing more than flipping through bridal magazines like the rest of the go getters on the team.

Thanks for pointing that out in the recap. Even though the rest of the team had reason to not help Chris after his statement last week, their apathy was pathetic.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wayner

Chris continues his decent from the Apex. “This is very, very, very complicated. Very frustrating.” Ivana tells him “Keep your head up.” I think she’s wishing they were in combat and under fire. “It is up. But this is impossible. No task is easy but this is friggin’ ridiculous.” No man with a smiley face on his knee has the right to call anything ridiculous. There’s a rule about this somewhere.

Re: "Ivana wishing they were in combat under fire." Wayner ties in a scene from Saving Private Ryan

Chris's knee needed one of theses

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wayner

By the way, one of those annoying, obtrusive programming banners appeared at the bottom of the screen. ER is coming up next. Ray Liotta guest stars as some sort of dying alcoholic. I saw him during one of the commercials. He looked awful, and yet he still looked like he had more hope than Chris.

Okay, now that was brilliant.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wayner

It’s a nice day for a Billy Idol tune.

Thanks for the Saturday morning recap, but, at the end of the day, I'm still gonna have that friggin' song in my head.

apprenticeboard · 11-13-2004, 12:21 PM

Great job, Wayner! Last week you gave us the Dickens about negative comments, this week we've got an Idol quote (is Billy an American?) - and they tie together in my head because of the white wedding dress in Great Expectations...which is what I always have when reading your recaps.

Personally, I think the "exploding head" quote comes about because of the lead-ins to the boardroom, which are always dusk scenes of the Big Snapple.

spegs · 11-13-2004, 12:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wayner

“The Last Extreme Amazing Rebel Apprentice Billionaire Swap Factor: Vanuatu.”

It’s not even a question.” We knew that because it didn’t have one of these “?” at the end of the statement, Andy.

So, either Jen is hoping Ivana missed the show last week, or she only hurts the ones she loves.

Of course, it’s hard to bully a group of people when you look like the new millennium’s Richie Cunningham.

Chris and his team are stunned, and look like they’ve already lost. I won’t keep you in suspense; they have.

Ray Liotta guest stars as some sort of dying alcoholic. I saw him during one of the commercials. He looked awful, and yet he still looked like he had more hope than Chris.

I’d tell you more about it, but he used a phrase that would make my head explode.

Tee hee hee! Fabulous job, Wayner! (I can't actually watch this show, because of issues I have with The Donald's hair, but with your recaps I miss nothing! Except being annoyed by these people.) You've got a gift, my friend.

**hepcat** · 11-13-2004, 01:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wayner

Chris says that it’s time to put up or shut up, to sink or swim. Chris, prepare to shut up and sink.

No mention as to whether or not a smiling knee qualifies as part of a positive attitude. I wish Trump would bag these sweeping generalizations and give us some details once in a while.

No man with a smiley face on his knee has the right to call anything ridiculous. There’s a rule about this somewhere.

Can you tell I liked the smiley face knee jokes? Awesome recap!!

candor · 11-13-2004, 02:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wayner

I’m convinced that the mental beam they were transmitting that caused the cranial combustion was the phrase “At the end of the day.” I believe this, because I’ve heard this phrase used so much on this program that I am pretty sure my head will explode if I hear it one more time.

They are taught this in business school. Seriously. I had a professor who uttered that phrase (notice I'm not repeating it so as to avoid exploding heads) so often that students placed bets on how many times he'd say it in a single presentation. Then they started saying it!
Great recap.

LiteWeightLiz · 11-13-2004, 03:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wayner

I’m going to be in Hollywood next week pitching an idea for the next big hit in Reality TV: “The Last Extreme Amazing Rebel Apprentice Billionaire Swap Factor: Vanuatu.”

I think the producers will love the idea~! A nice twist would be to have those fired from the episode lay on the sidewalk in front of the taxi so that centipedes and scorpions can crawl all over them!

(Great re-cap, as usual, Wayner! U da MAN!!!!)

charlie9 · 11-13-2004, 04:28 PM

Best
Recap
Title
Ever!

William13 · 11-13-2004, 05:55 PM

Great work. An amusing recap for a not very interesting show. Your analysis of the contestant's characters is right on.

I especially like your dissection of Jennifer M, since I am afraid that she is going to win.

For one bright shining moment I thought that Trump might fire all three people in the Boardroom.

Still having Sandy on a team was not necessarily an advantage. Raj was in Real Estate nad he lost the home renovation challenge. And in Season 1 Katrina lost the apartment negotiation task.

But even if the fix was in, if that is what it took to get rid of Chris I am all for it.

11-13-2004, 04:19 AM	#1
Wayner It ain't easy being green Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: But being blue is more work. Age: 45 Posts: 4,952	The Wedding Ringer - 11/11/04 recap The popularity of reality television shows continues to explode at an ever increasing rate. Despite the fact that “Survivor: Vanuatu” and “The Apprentice 2” are the only two shows in the genre that consistently finish among the top shows in the Nielsen Ratings, networks keep churning them out. Why? The fact that they are cheap to produce is probably one of the main considerations. A lack of creativity and original thinking is probably another. Networks keep trying to copy and one-up each other, which isn’t a good thing. Why? Because every “Survivor” brings us an “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!” The success of “The Apprentice” has lead to “The Benefactor” and more recently “The Rebel Billionaire.” This last show has been described as a cross between “The Apprentice” and “The Amazing Race.” And while those are two very popular shows, I’m not sure the combination will work. However, in keeping with this trend in television, I’m going to be in Hollywood next week pitching an idea for the next big hit in Reality TV: “The Last Extreme Amazing Rebel Apprentice Billionaire Swap Factor: Vanuatu.” Those of you familiar to the show will not be surprised that we join the candidates in the suite, discussing who they think has been eliminated. Those of you not familiar with the show, well, what the heck have you been doing for the last ten weeks, and why are you here? Andy asks Jen who she hopes is gone, and she predictably tells him that she hopes Ivana is gone because she thinks Ivana is disruptive. Kevin the Buff and Ivana the Disruptor return to the suite. Andy welcomes her back, and takes a shot at dear, departed Raj in the process. “You can’t build half a house and the project manager not go. It’s not even a question.” We knew that because it didn’t have one of these “?” at the end of the statement, Andy. The candidates are discussing things over dinner. In the board room last week, he angered The Donald by declaring the team to be a disaster. As a reward for raising Trump’s ire, Chris was made project manager by Trump himself. Chris says that it’s time to put up or shut up, to sink or swim. Chris, prepare to shut up and sink. In confessional, Chris tells us that when he complained he knew Trump would make him project manager. This surprises me, because I thought he was trying to get the teams switched up. But I’ll take the man at his word. For some reason his accent just makes me feel at home. He also tells us of Trump “At the end of the day he wants to see who’s strong, so I put myself on the chopping block.” There’s an old sci-fi horror flick called “Scanners.” In the film, there were people that had the ability to use their minds to make people’s heads explode. I’m convinced that the mental beam they were transmitting that caused the cranial combustion was the phrase “At the end of the day.” I believe this, because I’ve heard this phrase used so much on this program that I am pretty sure my head will explode if I hear it one more time. Chris holds an Apex team meeting out on the balcony. He tells them “It’s not personal, it’s bleeping business.” Clearly, Chris has seen this saying in text of the opening credits and decided to add a bleep to jack with the FCC. Chris says they aren’t there to make friends. Jen tells them “I have full respect for all of you, I like all of you – not that that matters – but I honestly think we can all work together really well.” I find this hard to believe. Last week Jen ripped into Ivana, telling her that she was only good for entering numbers into a spreadsheet. So, either Jen is hoping Ivana missed the show last week, or she only hurts the ones she loves. As the Apex squad gathers to sing Kumbaya, Mosaic is picking a project manager. Kelly asks “Would you be upset if I just said I’m going to lead?” Andy is the only one that doesn’t like this idea. Kelly continues. “I think I’m the most effective leader.” Kelly is also certain that his modesty is surpassed only by his good looks. I’m guessing. Since Kelly tried to bully his way into the PM role this week, Andy figures he’ll try the same plan. “If you aren’t going to hand it over to me then we need to draw.” Of course, it’s hard to bully a group of people when you look like the new millennium’s Richie Cunningham. They draw. Kelly wins, and again, Andy is the only one that seems upset with this result. Why is it that I expect the next word from Sandy, Maria, or Wes to be “Baaaaa”? It’s Impossible The next morning, Kelly answers the phone wrapped in a towel. “Hello, this is Kelly.” Rona from Mr. Trump’s office tells him the candidates are to meet at Tavern on the Green. “Got it.” She says goodbye, he says nothing, just hangs up. No goodbye. No thank you. That’s just rude, you should always be nice to the little people. Now that would be a good weekly word of wisdom from Trump. The teams gather at Tavern on the Green to meet Trump. Carolyn is with him, and George is back. Yes, I know, it’s all so thrilling. The Donald tells them that at least once a week there is a wedding at Tavern on the Green. “I know something about weddings – unfortunately – but someday I’m going to get it right.” Do you think his fiancé Melania was a little less than enthused by “Someday”? Trump gives them their task for the week. Each team will be given empty retail space, and their job will be to create a bridal shop. Trump says “Do you hear that Sandy? Boy do you have an advantage. If you lose this time this would not be good.” Just a reminder; Sandy owns a bridal salon!!! The only way this task could have been more lopsided would have been if Trump told them that…wait, it couldn’t be any more lopsided. Once the teams get their shops set up, they will conduct a four hour sale. The team with the greatest profit wins. Kelly is very confident they will win because they have a ringer in Sandy. No doubt Kelly had this same feeling back in junior high when his mommy did his homework for him. And don’t go blaming the poor woman, I’m sure he bullied her into it. Chris and his team are stunned, and look like they’ve already lost. I won’t keep you in suspense; they have. Chris points out that Mosaic has a huge advantage in Sandy. Apex checks out their retail space, and Chris suggests that they call vendors to come and sell their wares and split the profits. Just why the vendors will want to do this isn’t explained, but I’m sure Chris has that all figured out. Over at Mosaic, Sandy is running the show. She wants to make appointments with bridal salons, meet, and negotiate inventory. Kelly wants Wes and Maria to develop a marketing message while he goes to the salons with Sandy and Andy. Sandy tells them to contact theknot.com, a wedding site that registers thousands of brides to be, and work with them to broadcast an email advertisement. Sandy specifically tells them to include the team’s cell phone number in the advertisement. Andy points it out that Kelly is getting a free ride as project manager. “Kelly’s role really was to delegate the expertise to Sandy and ride Sandy to his exemption.” Clearly Andy isn’t impressed with Kelly. But then, no one is as impressed with Kelly as Kelly himself. Back to Apex. Chris is making calls to vendors, trying to entice them to partake of his plan. His big pitch? Um, he doesn’t really have one. Call after call he is rejected. In fact, some of the rejections make Kelly’s phone etiquette with Rona seem warm and friendly by comparison. Chris is losing what little hope he’d mustered, and he tells his team “This is really, really, really a tough task. Almost impossible.” He sits on the floor, head in his hands, and a little smiley face drawn on one knee. I never thought of Chris as the smiley face type. Ivana isn’t impressed by Chris’ attitude, and she lets us know. “To throw up your hands that early in the game is pathetic.” Yes, but at least he was doing more than flipping through bridal magazines like the rest of the go getters on the team. Believe in Yourself This week Trump tells us about the little known power of positive thinking. “Positive attitude is all about self-confidence, and self-confidence is the whole ballgame. If you don’t have a positive attitude in life, you’ll never, ever be successful.” No mention as to whether or not a smiling knee qualifies as part of a positive attitude. I wish Trump would bag these sweeping generalizations and give us some details once in a while. In a meeting with a salon owner, Andy tries to actually participate instead of making Sandy do all the work. With Carolyn looking on, he tells the salon owner “If we were in the car business we would have everything from a Honda to a Ferrari, and you’re our Ferrari and we’re going to make sure that you’re taken care of.” The woman doesn’t look amused, which means she probably drives a Porsche. Afterwards, Carolyn needles Andy. “Hondas and Ferraris? You’ve never done this before have you Andy?” In fact no, none of them have. Except the wedding ringer. Salon Style Sandy manages to put together an inventory of between 200 and 250 dresses. As long as marketing hasn’t been mishandled, they’ll be fine. Which brings us to Wes and Maria. They have contacted theknot.com, and for $1,000 they have an email advertisement that is going out to 23,000 brides in the New York area. Maria reviews the ad copy online and approves it over the phone. But we have a clear view of the copy on the computer, and Maria’s hand. There’s a problem, and I’m not talking about the hideous five pound ring Maria is wearing. I’ll give you a hint; what did Sandy specifically say should be included in the ad? I’ll give you another hint. It’s a number used to connect to something Andy lost a few weeks ago. Apex is now being managed by the Little Engine That Couldn’t. “I can’t do this.” he tells them. Jen suggests that if they go into places and meet with them they are more likely to be successful. Chris continues his decent from the Apex. “This is very, very, very complicated. Very frustrating.” Ivana tells him “Keep your head up.” I think she’s wishing they were in combat and under fire. “It is up. But this is impossible. No task is easy but this is friggin’ ridiculous.” No man with a smiley face on his knee has the right to call anything ridiculous. There’s a rule about this somewhere. The Apex folks take Jen’s suggestion. Ivan goes with Kevin, while Chris and his hang-dog expression drag along behind Jen. Jen showed energy and enthusiasm and helped them line up deals to sell product from six different vendors. By the way, one of those annoying, obtrusive programming banners appeared at the bottom of the screen. ER is coming up next. Ray Liotta guest stars as some sort of dying alcoholic. I saw him during one of the commercials. He looked awful, and yet he still looked like he had more hope than Chris. Ivana and Kevin meet with Bernadette from The Bridal Suite of Manhattan. She was a huge help, answering all their questions. She even came to their location and gave them tips on layout and sales techniques. Apex felt that she was like their own version of Sandy. Unfortunately for them, their version didn’t tell them about theknot.com Is Blinging a Word? In the Mosaic camp, Sandy has discovered that their advertisement has no phone number. Maria told her that the woman that took their order must have edited in out without approval. I went back on my recording and verified; there was no phone number on the copy that Maria approved. Okay, lying is wrong. Lying is a sign of poor character. Lying about something that can be verified on film is a sign of stupidity. This is the first sign of a chink in Mosaic’s armor. Meanwhile, Wes and Kevin load a truck with dresses. Wes drives – sort of. He hit a parked truck and broke it’s taillight. I hope NBC took the insurance on the rental. When they reach their destination, they can’t open the sliding door on the truck; it’s jammed. When Wes asks Kelly “Do you know what happened?” Kelly pulls no punches. “Yeah, I do. You drove like a bleeping maniac.” Could this be a second chink in their armor? Mosaic gathers at their salon. Sandy is doing almost all the work, and she isn’t pleased. She asks to speak to Kelly outside, and tells him that everyone is putting all the pressure on her, nobody is hustling, and she has a bad feeling about this task. It’s not a third straight sign of weakness for the team, it’s just a weak effort to put the outcome of this task in doubt with the viewers. The next morning, Apex is busy handing out fliers at Penn Station. Jen thinks they did a good job of blanketing New York. I don’t know if their fliers have a phone number on them or not, but at the rate they are ending up in the trash or the gutter, I don’t think it matters. Sandy takes Andy and Maria to theknot.com to look into correcting the email problem. Of course, it quickly becomes apparent to Sandy that it’s not an email problem, but a Maria problem. “Maria was caught in a bold faced lie. “I just hate it when people don’t take accountability.” This is the second time this season that Maria screwed up and lied about it. Trump doesn’t seem like the kind of guy that needs a third strike. It’s only a matter of time before Maria takes the long walk to the taxi. George enters the Apex store front, where he is greeted by Jen. “Hi, we’re having a bridal sample sale today.” George is immune to Jen’s charm, in fact it seems to annoy him. “Not for me, I’m not in the market.” He asks what Apex has done for advertising other than the flier, and learns that the second part of their two pronged attack is to have some artists paint the window. As we’ll learn in a moment, those are two pretty lousy prongs. When the competition gets underway, Mosaic has almost 40 women lined up waiting for the doors to open. Apex has two. ‘Nuff said. When the results are announced, Mosaic sold twenty-seven dresses for a profit of $12,788.94. Apex sold two dresses for $1,060.47 in profit. For the first time this season, the reward is something of monetary value; the winning team is going to meet Trump’s fiancé Melania at Graff Jewelers, where as a team they will be purchasing $50,000 in diamond jewelry. To keep. At Graff, Melania greets the members of Mosaic wearing a semi-transparent baby-doll top. I don’t want to say that it was too low cut, but she might as well have introduced herself by saying “Hello, I’m Melania and these are my breasts.” The ladies are allowed to try on necklaces ranging in price from four to six million dollars each. Sandy comments that they were “Blinging all over the place.” Once the Graff product placement portion of the show is over, the team purchases their bling. Wes buys a necklace for his wife, and Andy picks up something for his mom. That they purchased gifts instead of spending the money on themselves said a lot about the kind of guys they are. And the fact that Kelly, Sandy, and Maria all bought items for themselves also speaks volumes. Kelly bought a Graff watch. Not that he was having any Rolex envy brought about by Chris’ Rolex Presidential or anything. Back at the suite, Chris is asleep on the couch, an open copy of one of Trump’s books on his chest. The discussion the rest of the team is having says as much about each of them as the Mosaic team’s selection of jewelry. Kevin is disgusted with the ass whipping they received. Ivana points out that the got beaten in every phase of the game. Jen is more concerned with the fact that the other team just got $50,000 in jewelry. Ah, priorities. Can They Fire Everybody? As they prepare to face the music in the board room, a few members of Apex share their thoughts. Kevin thinks Chris should be fired, but he also believes that Trump could decide they’re all terrible and fire the lot them. Trump wouldn’t do that, would he? Chris tells us “I’m a fighter no matter what. I would never just go down unless I’m swinging.” Really? Because you pretty much did exactly that in the task. Unless telling your team the task is really, really hard counts as a swing. The discussion between Apex and the Trump side of the table is quick. The lack of a marketing plan was criticized. Chris felt the task was impossible because the other team had Sandy. Kevin complained that Chris didn’t delegate, and Jen felt he lacked focus. Oh come on, didn’t you hear how focused he was all the times he told you that you couldn’t win? Trump tries to keep a positive attitude about Chris. Because that’s the catch phrase of the week. “He makes me feel good though, you know I love his accent, it makes me feel at home.” Chris decides to let Jen go back to the suite, which means he’ll be bringing Ivana and Kevin into the board room with him for elimination. He let Jen go because she did the least horrible job. There’s a rousing endorsement. In the lobby, both Kevin and Ivana question why Chris would protect Jen. Ivana goes so far as to declare that Jen is all presentation, all talk. I think that’s selling her short; she’s also equal parts blonde hair and blindingly white teeth. Or is that part of presentation? I need a ruling from the judges on this one. Trump talks things over with George and Carolyn. It is agreed that Apex showed no spark and none of them said anything positive. George is apparently trying to distinguish between Apex and the Alinta Tribe on “Survivor: Vanuatu. “I didn’t see any fire from any of them.” Trump agrees. “There’s no fire in these people.” George continues the fire talk. “There’s no spark.” Carolyn, seemingly desperate to end all this inflammatory talk simply suggests “Send them home.” Which is what Kevin predicted prior to the board room. Oooooh. Robin sends them back in with “Please go back into the board room.” Wait, more new lines? Has somebody been taking acting lessons? The Donald immediately asks Chris why he let Jen off the hook. It turns out it’s because two vendors told him that if Jen wasn’t a lawyer that she could sell dresses. Carolyn scoffs at this notion. “You sold two dresses, how good could she be?!” When asked for her opinion of Chris as a leader, Ivana rips him. “I think Chris is really good at identifying problems, and when I say that I mean he’s really good at complaining.” Donald doesn’t like her attitude. “You know, she has the most unbelievable backhanded slaps I’ve ever seen.” That’s saying something; the man has two ex-wives. Chris and Trump both point out that this is Ivana’s fifth trip to the board room. Chris adds that this is his first trip. Still, Kevin would fire Chris, as would Ivana. Trump further taunts Chris by telling him that if he had brought Jen in with the team that she might have been fired. “I can’t believe you let her go. And I can’t believe you lead the team so badly. And Chris, you’re fired.” In the lobby, Chris gave a nice smile to the elevator guy, because he understands the importance of treating the little people with respect. More respect than I’m giving them by calling them little. Oops. Chris also gives one of the most mature, appreciative taxi confessionals the show has ever seen. I’d tell you more about it, but he used a phrase that would make my head explode. It’s a nice day for a Billy Idol tune. wayner@fansofrealitytv.com

11-13-2004, 12:21 PM	#4
apprenticeboard Charles FORTean Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Albuquirky Posts: 336	Great job, Wayner! Last week you gave us the Dickens about negative comments, this week we've got an Idol quote (is Billy an American?) - and they tie together in my head because of the white wedding dress in Great Expectations...which is what I always have when reading your recaps. Personally, I think the "exploding head" quote comes about because of the lead-ins to the boardroom, which are always dusk scenes of the Big Snapple. __________________ "He - dead wrong. Me - entirely correct" - Raj "Sometimes I get the feeling the whole country is being run by Paris Hilton" - Molly Ivens

11-13-2004, 04:28 PM	#9
charlie9 Feels a connection w/ you Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: New York City Posts: 1,025	Best Recap Title Ever! __________________ Perfection is just fine by me!

11-13-2004, 05:55 PM	#10
William13 When I'm 64 Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: In Seclusion Posts: 1,064	Great work. An amusing recap for a not very interesting show. Your analysis of the contestant's characters is right on. I especially like your dissection of Jennifer M, since I am afraid that she is going to win. For one bright shining moment I thought that Trump might fire all three people in the Boardroom. Still having Sandy on a team was not necessarily an advantage. Raj was in Real Estate nad he lost the home renovation challenge. And in Season 1 Katrina lost the apartment negotiation task. But even if the fix was in, if that is what it took to get rid of Chris I am all for it.