Last episode of Project Runway, Santino had a hissy fit and Daniel Franco took too much time.....
What? What's that? I'm supposed to be writing the MARTHA Apprentice finale recap? But no one cares about that show! It only had about five viewers, and one of them was me! Oh, it has to have closure? Fiiiiiine. But I only have two bottle of Maker's Mark left out of the case I began this series with, and that might not be enough to get me through it!
*breaks red wax seal, and pours five shots of Maker's out...one for me, and one for each of the other four viewers. You know who you are, drink accordingly.*
Well, the last episode left us with Bethenny trying to put on a circus, and Dawna trying to arrange a fashion show. We saw the return of some candidates that "just didn't fit in" and Roseskid got all hot and bothered because one of them was Ryan. The rest of the viewers just got bothered because a different one was JIM.
Welcome Back My Friends to the Show That Never Ends, We're So Glad You Could Attend, Come Inside, Come Inside
And so it begins...Martha, (who I really do like) asks Charles Koppelman, the holder of the phallic-symbol-unlit-cigar-stub and CEO of Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia..."are you ready?" He replies "I am and I'm excited!" Excited enough to finally light that cigar, Chuck? Thought not. That girl they keep in the corner and ignore...Alexis...asks Martha "And are you ready?" Martha says "I am very ready." Sheesh, I guess so after dissing all of your candidates in the media. Might as well get it over with so you don't have to put up with them anymore, Martha. Although, I have to admit, I've never been a big fan of any of the candidates, either.
They hop in the SUV and go over to Martha's set of her daytime show. For reasons unknown, Martha's wearing black sequin pants. Personally I question that fashion choice, but it has no bearing on anything so I'll shut up about that. Martha says a few words about the position the apprentice will hold, and then we get to see the tasks.
There Behind the Glass Stands a Real Blade of Grass, Be Careful As You Pass, Move Along, Move Along
Over at the Liz Claiborne fashion show headquarters, Linda Greenblatt, a Liz Claiborne big-wig, is not impressed at ALL with Amanda's work on the runway show. Amanda had a meeting with the hair and makeup team without including Linda and she also pronounced the name of the line "Liz Clayburn". Linda snottily corrects her, but I don't care, as I really don't like Amanda at all. Sarah is there as part of Dawna's team as well. I think Sarah acts (and looks) like she's about 14. Again, I'm commenting on things that have nothing to do with the outcome. I blame it on the Maker's Mark.
Speaking of which, I'm ready for another shot, how about you? *pours five shots, takes one and downs it* There there, it will be all right in the end...realllllly.
Dawn's concerned about the programs for the fashion show, while Amanda is assuring her that it's all fine and she'll get it done. Amanda seems really frazzled, however, so Dawna, Sarah and Howie go back to the Liz Claiborne studio. Amanda is all whiny about the accessories,apparently she can't decide on them, AND she won't have the stuff ready for the programs. I don't know why Dawna isn't jumping in to help, or to kick Amanda out and do it herself, but she just decides to let Amanda let it fall down around her ears on her own. Then again, maybe Dawna is even WORSE than Amanda at accessorizing...I mean, just look at Dawna's eyebrows. I wouldn't trust her to accessorize when she can't get her eyebrow arch correct. But it's her task, HERS! Dawna (bad eyebrows and all) should have more of a hand in the putting together of the actual outfits. I'm just sayin'.
The next morning, Amanda is going through the fashion show run-through with Linda. My favorite comment of Linda's is..."first of all, you can't call a skirt a jacket, because it's a skirt". WELL! Obviously she's never seen "Project Runway", where you can, indeed, call a skirt a jacket. And a corn husk a dress. But once more, that's not relevant, so let's drink!
*pours more shots, and decides shots with the other four viewers was the best idea ever!*
Back to business, Amanda says "at one point I knew I couldn't get the programs done." Yes, and that point was last night, Amanda! But you're saying it when you have an HOUR to get it done? Smarty-mouth Linda says "I'll hold my breath" about them being finished. Getting down to the wire, and Amanda still doesn't have the program changes sent to Dawna yet. She says she doesn't have time to email them, so they go through them page by page over the phone. Exciting stuff like "change green to olive, eliminate the suede patch skirt". Sarah, in confessional, says "the great thing about Dawna is, no matter how dire the situation and how stressful, the tone of her voice always stays the same." Niiiiice. Nice of you to say she's monotone there, Sarah. Amanda has a billion more changes, and Dawna says they won't have their program done. And I say, this was apparent last night. I guess they were waiting for the magic program fairy to come fix everything.
Come Inside the Show's About to Start, Guaranteed to Blow Your Mind Apart
Now we're at Bethenny's circus. The first thing you should know about this...is that I hate clowns. Well, I'm scared of them. Very, very scared. And I'm wondering, if somehow, Roseskid KNEW my greatest phobia and worked out our schedule so that I would be subjected to this finale, complete with clowns? Does she have such evil in her heart? No no, of course not! She's wonderful! But I'm still terrified. ALTHOUGH...and since it's the finale I'm going to say it...it's not nice, it's not polite, but I'm going to say it...Bethenny's face is as scary as any clown I've ever seen..and that's saying a lot since I loathe clowns. So there you go, Bethenny and the clowns. *shudders*
Bethenny's standing in front of all of these circus performers, telling them "we'll be in charge of you, and if anyone is hungry, there's pizza and snacks and things." Then some guy says "There's food, there's food everybody", because they don't seem to think pizza and snacks ARE food? I don't know. Bethenny goes on and on about how some guy Big Jim (not candidate Jim) wasn't happy, but that she was calm. Well woohoo.
Bethenny's team, Jim (the ousted candidate Jim, not "Circus Big Jim") and Carrie are complaining to each other about their leader, and saying that she's a mess. They haven't been delegated any jobs. Carrie waves around some really messy looking notes. Bethenny comes in and says she has it all planned out in her head. Oooooh, the excitement. Only, not really.
The next day, Bethenny's working on the decor for the Circus. I would like to type Bethenny's goofy-sounding confessional, as I can't make head or tails of it. So, here goes..."I had to maximize my mind and my creativity to utilize the resources that I was given. I had to use the product from the sponsors and I just really had to think outside the box." Well, could you just say "I had to think and be creative with the stuff the sponsors wanted me to use?" Noooooo. She's just blathers on and on. Ugh. Plus, she refers to making a circus out of a "gritty nightclub." She thinks THAT place, Crobar, is a gritty nightclub? *shakes little furry head, confused* She goes on some more about how everything had to get maximum exposure..and my favorite comment of Bethenny's has to be "everything took thought". HA!
You know, the first bottle of Maker's is gone! Which one of you has been sipping outside of our shots? Oh, it was me. *blushes*
Right Before Your Eyes See the Laughter From the Skies. and He Laughs Until He Cries, Then He Dies, Then He Dies
Time for the circus to start, and there's juggling clowns, clowns on stilts, clowns blowing bubbles, and Jim. (hee! sorry...) Martha, Alexis and Charles arrive, and Bethenny greets them at the door. There's a few minutes left of a silent auction, and Martha comments on one of them, trapeze school. She says that Alexis wants to go to trapeze school. I think maybe Alexis has already learned to jump through hoops for Martha, so why not fly through the air? (yes, I know, I know, bad joke.)
The actual circus is about to start, and it cracks me up to see Jim sitting in front with the other chidren. (hee, again!) OH, this circus benefits the Boys and Girls Club of America. The show begins, and we see balance-y people, we see flippy people and we see bendy people. It all goes off pretty well. Afterwards, Jim complains that he, Carrie and Ryan all got a luke-warm handshake from Bethenny after all of their hard work.
Soon The Gypsy Queen In a Glaze of Vaseline Will Peform On Guillotine, What a Scene, What a Scene
T-minus and counting for the fashion show, and Dawna's got Howie running around doing lots of small things, when Sarah runs in with their really crappy programs. Two sheets, that don't even have the Liz Claiborne LOGO. No logo! Sarah starts rambling to Linda Greenblatt about how great they were supposed to be. (way to go there Sarah, draw even MORE attention to how crappy they are. The first line isn't even centered. Linda says she's disappointed. Uh-oh.
In the SUV on the way to the fashion show, Alexis is talking to Martha, when she stops and says "are you listening to me?" which totally made me laugh, as I say that about daily to my own Mom. Yet again, no point to that, so let's open the next bottle of Maker's! *pours another round*
Dawna greets them at the door and gets everyone seated. The show starts, the models prance about, and I long for a "Sex in the City" Carrie Bradshaw moment where she fell on the runway, got stepped over by Heidi Klum (yes, our Heidi from Project Runway!) and Stanford said "Oh my, she's fashion roadkill!" *nevermind*
Mean ol' Linda Greenblatt hugs Dawna and tells her that she did a great job. Ohhh, sweet. Afterwards, Dawna hugs Amanda, Howie and Sarah, and thanks them, a sharp contrast to Bethenny's cold fish act.
Next Upon The Stand, Will You Please Extend a Hand, To Alexander's Ragtime Band, Dixieland, Dixieland
Time for the last conference room meeting in the last show of Martha's Apprentice, which will never be seen again. It's almost touching. Okay, so it's not. Bethenny and Dawna sit down at that table for the last time. Martha says she is happy with the circus program, but points out that the Liz Claiborne people were not so happy with their program. Dawna makes an excuse about last minute changes. Martha asks Bethenny if she is better for the job than Dawna. Bethenny says she is, as she understands Martha, the message, that everything in her life is about quality and integrity and trust. She adds that this experience hasn't been about the destination, it's been about the journey. Whatever. Martha asks Dawna the same question, and Dawna points out that she's calm and professional, and that everyone there has said they'd want to work for her. She goes on to say that some of the partners they've worked with have said for Dawna to call on them, so they don't have to work with Bethenny. Ooooh, it's getting nasty now. Bethenny interjects with "I don't mean to be rude or disrespectful, but I don't think that Dawna has that special thing that is indescribable..." (I can describe it, Bethenny, and you have it in spades, it's called being a rude bitch.) THEN she goes on with "I realize I have some rough rough edges" (like her face??) and I see Charles' lip twitch at that one. She starts rambling about how she's not looking for just a job, or a stepping stone, then Dawna butts in with that she isn't looking for a stepping stone either, that it's what she does, it's media, it's publishing. Bethenny tries to slap her with "I've never heard you once talk about MARTHA, it's always about media and publishing but not about MARTHA." (butt kisser!) Dawna smacks her back down saying it's an apprenticeship and what that means is she wants to work with the BEST. Martha seems to like this as she's shaking her head in an up and down "yes". Bethenny is talking over her, saying if they want a star, and someone with total potential, then it's her, but Dawna finishes it off with "I want this job, and I can't communicate it to you, but I want it so much that maybe that's why I can't communicate it." And that's it, the last conference room meeting.
Performing On a Stool, We've a Sight To Make You Drool, Seven Virgins and a Mule, Keep It Cool, Keep It Cool
We're back to the live studio audience. We see a little about Bethenny's past, and she walks out. Then we see a little about Dawna's past, and out walks Dawna. She's done a little improvement to her hair, but her eyebrows are still a mess. Martha asks Charles what he thinks of Bethenny, and he basically says she's creative but doesn't get along with others. Martha asks that same question to Alexis concerning Dawna, and Alexis uses that time to plug her radio show on Sirius satellite radio. Foo, I have XM radio, not Sirius, so no Alexis show for me. Then she says she finds Dawna dispassionate and uncreative, but better suited to being Martha's apprentice. I translate that to "Martha will suck the life out of you, so why not get someone already dispassionate and uncreative?"
Martha tosses some questions to Bethenny's and Dawna's teammates. Amanda praises Dawna completely. Jim says he thinks Bethenny is good at picking talent. (because of course, she picked HIM.)
Now to chat with the finalists. Martha asks Bethenny why she had such a hard time praising her team after the circus. She says that she did say "thank you" but that she had a difficult time because they were all disgruntled. Martha follows up by asking her if she has the business skills needed for the job. Bethenny then name-drops, saying she's done events for Merv Griffin and for Disney, and that this was a disgruntled team, but they pulled it off for her. Questions for Dawna "you're a detail person and a people person, but the clients felt you lacked an overall vision. Is that a weakness of yours?" She rambles something about lists, and adds that their biggest critic, Linda Greenblatt, even said that the fashion show went beautifullly. (which doesn't really answer the question, does it?) Martha follows with "do you feel you could hone your management skills sufficiently to be a really big winner in our company?" Now what kind of question is that? Like Dawna's going to say "you know, I've thought about it, and no, I can't hone my skills. This is all I have, take it or leave it." But of course, that's not what she says...she really says she feels that she fit in, and that she thinks she's professional and fits in. Martha shoots a question back to Bethenny, asking how she fits in and what she'd want to do, and Bethenny says (again) that she understands Martha, and wants to do something about health. When asked about what part of the company she thinks she'd fit in better, Dawna answers publishing (surprise!).
*drumroll, please, and let's all down the rest of this bottle*
Martha says "Bethenny, you're spunky, you're a show-off, you feel you have to make a physical impression which is really not terribly necessary at Martha Stewart Omnimedia. Dawna, you are clearly a talented manager, and we could always use someone with your business acumen at Martha Stewart Omnimedia, and I would like to offer YOU the job of my apprentice."
Dawna jumps up, hugs Martha, kisses unlit-cigar-man and Alexis, hugs her teammates, while Martha's calling "Dawna, Dawna!" I do see Bethenny getting at least one hug, from Howie. Dawna gets back over to Martha, where Martha congratulates her and tells her that she'll be working at Body & Soul magazine, and that if we all want to help Dawna succeed, we can subscribe at a special rate. Well, I already receive that magazine, FREE, so there. I never read it, as I get about 30 other free magazines a month, but I'll probably skim through it in the future to see if I spot anything on Dawna. There's another promo for the magazine, then champagne is passed around. Martha takes Dawna's champagne away, to give her the keys to a new Buick Lucerne to go along with her new $250,000 job.
So there it is. The last recap to a show that lasted one season. The bottles are empty, the clowns are gone, all that's left are empty peanut shells and darn it, I'm allergic to peanuts. Frankly, I'll miss Martha, as I am a fan, but I much prefer her doing her Martha-y things. And I'll miss you, my four little readers. If you've made it through my ramblings and rants, you're stronger than you know. So as I end this at 6 am on Christmas Eve morning, I'd like to wish a Merry Christmas to those that applies to, a general happy holidays to others, and a happy Winter solstice to whoever's left. I hope to run into you in another recap, in another show, here on FORT.
"Ho-ho-ho and a bottle of rum, Santa's run off to the Caribbean" ~ Jimmy Buffett (my hero)
P.S. To anyone who is scratching their head about my subject titles this recap, they're lyrics from a classic song by Emerson, Lake and Palmer titled "Karn Evil 9, 1st Impression, Part 2." It's all I could come up with when recapping anything with clowns.
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