11/30 The Apprentice Martha Stewart Recap: Driven By Insanity
Things I like about Martha's show...
1. Martha. She's shown personality on this show (at least in my opinion) but then again, I liked her before this show. I've enjoyed several of her reactions, most noticeably the "fake it 'til you make it" reaction.
2. The tasks. They have been fairly interesting tasks, for the most part.
3. That nifty wall display made out of paint samples, that hangs behind Martha's receptionist.
Things I don't like about Martha's show...
1. Charles Koppelman and his stupid unlit cigar. Really, it looks amazingly stupid. Does he think it makes him look powerful? Does he think it makes him look like a hardcore businessman? Well, it makes him look like he has an oral fixation. Plus, he's no George.
2. Martha's apparent disdain for her daughter. Poor Alexis, I like her (except for the way she dresses) and Martha sometimes forgets she's even there. (as you will see later in this recap.)
3. The candidates. THIS was what they had to pick from? Frankly I haven't found any of them desirable, with the exception of Ryan. WHOA! Back off there, Roseskid! I mean as a candidate ONLY, not in any kind of "I'd like to get in your superhero tights" kind of way. He's still ALL YOURS. Every orange and blue spandex wrapped inch of him. Hee.
So, my one or two readers, as you all probably know, Martha's version of "The Apprentice" didn't get picked up for a second season. There were rumblings (saving face?) that it was never intended to go beyond one season. Who knows. WHY WEREN'T YOU ALL WATCHING? Oh yeah, because of that hit show, "LOST." Well, buy TIVOS, people! Now, sadly, this will be our one and only season to see inside Martha's empire (unless you count those dreadful Cybil Shepherd TV movies of the week), our one and only season to see her ignore her daughter, our one and only season to watch Charles chomp on his phallic substitute. Wait, maybe that IS a "good thing". And yes, that was a lame, lame Martha Stewart pun there.
In other "Martha" news...the season finale is December 21st, and what was to be a 2 hour spectacular finale has been trimmed down to a 1 hour "let's just get this over with" ending. At least we GET an ending. *sigh* I'll miss her poison pen letters, anyway.
WHAT? You all want to read an actual recap, and not my general ramblings about this show? FINE! Jeez, you're a tough audience. These ramblings are also known as "padding the recap", at least in Suncat language. Well, without further ado, here it is....
Previously on The Apprentice: Martha Stewart, there was a task selling a coffee machine. Primarius won, Matchstick lost, and the annoying Amanda bleated on about how she hoped her husband hadn't planted their garden yet. Amanda got to rush home and squish her hands in the fertilizer, as she was booted out.
So, if it comes down to Jim against two fire ants...
Jim has a theory, a plan, whatever. He wants to be in the end with the weakest, so he'll look better. He's hoping for Marcela to return to the suite. Let me stop and say this about Jim...I realize he is married, with a child, or children. How did anyone ever reproduce with that man? Seriously, did it involve duct tape over his mouth? UGH, let me stop thinking about that, as images I just don't want to imagine are popping into my head. Anyway, Dawna would rather be against stronger players, so if she does win, it's a good win. I wish she's win a nice pair of Tweezerman tweezers and fix her eyebrows, because they've been bugging the heck out of me since the first show. (then she can loan them to Stephanie on Survivor, who has the same problem.)
*yes, I'm rambling*
Jim and Marcela return to the suite, and Bethenney jumps on Marcela and stradles her, in a really weird moment. Or, I'm sure that some guy watching that loved the moment, but I'm no guy! Jim gives Marcela a go-Marcela-yay victory speech while Dawna and her awful eyebrows look annoyed.
Jim likes to talk about himself in the third person. Jim is a mastermind of strategy! Jim is a master of this game! Jim is a master....*what you're doing when you put a worm on a hook to go fishing* HEE, if you figured that out, didn't it sound DIRTY? Okay, I just had to put it out there.
I Found My Thrill....On Turkey Hill.....
Did you know you can make an alcoholic drink called Iced Wild Turkey Hill? You use 2 oz. Wild Turkey Whiskey, and 10 oz. Turkey Hill tea. I wonder if Martha serves these at one of her homes, also called "Turkey Hill". I bet she does. So, the candidates are to meet her there in the garden.
As the vans approach, they show shots of Martha's garden. Are those POPPIES? Is Martha harvesting her own opium? No wonder she's filthy rich. Honestly, the garden is rather spectacular, and I can't help but wonder if it's from all the bodies she has buried in there. Like, her lawyers who didn't manage for her to walk free. Or her ex-husband.
The candidates make their way through the flowers to meet with Martha and two of GM's exectutives, who I'll just name as Doug and Margaret, and Renee, who is co-chair of Buick's marketing advisary board. Do we care? NO! On with the task already!
The task is to create a showroom launch display to highlight Buick's new Lucerne. Each team will get a showroom, and $65,000. Useless Charles ends it with "start your engines, let's go guys", to polite laughs from the candidates. How long did he practice THAT line? Sheesh.
On the way back to the city, Matchstick is shooting ideas around. Leslie is going to be Project Manager. Ryan comes up with "it's that nice" and for them to set up a dinner table scene, where the car is having dinner with you. Dinner with your car. I admit, I've had dinner IN my car more than once, eating french fries with one hand, driving with the other, but having dinner WITH your car? I think the idea is absurd, but Marcela seems to like it. OH, I left this out...Ryan thinks the car should have a napkin on its lap. I'm no automotive genius, but do cars have laps? I know they can MAKE a lap, like at a racetrack....
In the Primarius van, Dawna is going to be the PM. Bethenney comes up with "driven by elegance" which to me seems a lot better than dinner with your car. Jim and Dawna like it as well. They make it to their showroom to see the Lucerne. Jim gets down on the ground and growls at the car, for no apparent reason other than he's a nutcase.
Martha's words of advice....
In the little part of the show where they feature Martha's magazine, she tells us to not look for the trend, but develop the trend. Wise advice. The best part of this is a scene where she's having a big dinner party, and there, passed out on her perfect marble floors, is her puffy dog! And he's not just passed out, he's passed out perfectly symmetrical. Legs splayed out evenly on each side, head extended straight forward, fur just so. And, he's aligned where he is center in the doorway, making that the perfect camera shot. Really, he looks like a puffy dog rug. I wonder if Martha tranquilzed him and displayed him like that? I just love that puffy dog.
CRAP, where was I? Oh yeah, the tasks.
Ryan, of Matchstick, has come up with the idea to do a video to go along with their showroom display. He wants the video to be of the car driving up to an Italian restaurant, then show the car, and finish with a dessert scene, which will be the part where someone is eating with the car. It still sounds freaky to me.
Leslie hires a PR specialist to bounce ideas off of, get ideas from. WHY? Isn't the point of these tasks to see what the candidates can do, not who they can hire to tell them what to do? Bad move. She's also changed Ryan's video, to not include anything about the dinner table, yet the showroom display still has the table. Yeah, I don't get it, either.
Marcela's picking stuff up like carpet, etc, but Leslie thinks she's dead weight. Leslie wants TWO Leslies on her team. I think Leslie is full of herself. Also, she whines about carrying furniture while wearing Armani. WHATever. She could be wearing Dollar General store for all the public knows, as basically she just looks like someone trying to dress way too young. Who says things like that, anyway? "I can't believe I'm carrying furniture while wearing Armani". I mean, isn't that pretentious? I'm going to try that tomorrow at the grocery. I'm going to say, really loudly, "I can't BELIEVE I am carrying Mountain Dew while wearing GAP." I bet I get thrown out of Kroger for that one. Or, my family will just pretend they don't know me. Until it's time to pay for the groceries. THEN they'll know me, AND my wallet.
Crazy vs Crazier
Primarius is discussing their display, and Jim and Bethenney start sparring about absolutely nothing. Dawna doesn't think it's professional, and tries to talk to them. That's a mistake, as Jim will hear no one but himself. It blows over in a heartbeat.
They have a little snafu with their workers not showing up on time, but it's not a big problem. Jim mouths off about how if they lose, Dawna will be gone, no matter what, that she's his biggest threat. Dawna's aware of him wanting her gone, and she just wants to win the task, so she doesn't have to think about leaving yet. Good plan, but she needs to realize that Jim is thinking two steps ahead of her all the way.
Time for the unveiling of Primarius' showroom. Doug, Margaret, Renee, Charles and Alexis all show up. The display really looks good, all sleek with greys and blacks. There is a gallery of photos of the car, while the car is on a nice shiny round platform. Both Dawna and Bethenney speak about the display, while Jim wisely keeps his mouth shut.
Then something really strikes me...everyone is dressed appropriately, everyone except Alexis and Charles. Alexis, I have decided, must wear her mother's castoffs exclusively, because they never fit, and she never looks comfortable. Today she's wearing a black pant suit, where the pants are too short, with a gaping white blouse and black sneakers. It looks like a "don't" photo from the pages of Glamour magazine. Not to be outdone, Charles is wearing a bright blue pimp suit. Okay, so I've never seen a real pimp, so I don't know what they wear, really. I saw an HBO documentary once, though. You know, it could just be that Charles is a huge Kentucky Wildcats fan, because the "Big Blue" fans really are nuts, and that suit would fit right in. Alright already! I'll get back to the tasks! You all sound just like my Mom, trying to make me get back on the subject all the time. Foo!
Primarius' display really is nice, they make their point with their concept "Driven by elegance" and the judges/CEOS/etc look impressed.
Off to Matchstick's showroom, and it's the most stupid looking thing. A car, parked by a table the size and shape of a king-sized bed. There are three video screens behind the car. The table is set for dinner, and I find it rather disturbing that the one time a car is invited for dinner, it's eating alone. Alone! How rude. Plus, shouldn't it be served something like motor oil and anti-freeze? A good hostess adjusts her meal plans to the guest she's going to invite. OH okay, so I'm not making sense, or being funny. Well, this whole showroom is hopeless, and I don't know why I'm bothering writing about it. It's horrible, awful, terrible. Leslie's presentation sucks, too, as she stumbles over her words at every turn. She's so darn smarmy. They show their video, which doesn't fit the showroom, and the whole thing stinks.
And the winner is...
I don't have to say it, do I? Primarius wins, as their presentation was miles better than Matchsticks. Their reward is to have dinner at the Four Seasons with Susan Lyne, President and CEO of MSLO, and Charles, who is the Chairman of the Board, and it will probably include his stupid unlit cigar. Woohoo. I find the rewards pretty boring overall, and this one is no exception. Except that Jim can't shut up, and he tells Charles and Susan that he makes a good bad guy, that he's already destroyed the strength, and things like that. Oh come on, we all know the only reason he's still there is to boost ANY ratings for this show. Because almost every single week, the previews will show Jim doing something off the wall. I don't think Jim will win the whole thing. But he might. I have to admit, his "crazy" is more interesting than everyone else's "boring" anyday.
Conference Room Time
Ryan, Marcela and Leslie find themselves back in the conference room yet again. Martha asks Leslie why they lost, and Leslie pastes the MOST fake smile on her face, saying that the other team had a superior concept, and that theirs didn't come together. I think Martha should just boot her for that fake smile alone. Charles thinks the idea was okay, but that the execution was bad. Ryan takes full responsibility for the idea, but agrees that it didn't get executed as it should have. Martha points out that this is Leslie's second loss, that Marcela has had two losses, and that Ryan has had two wins. Then she says "Ryan, you're working with two losers." Now THAT'S the Martha I love, to the point, or to the quick, however you look at it. She does chastize Ryan a bit for not persuading his teammates to stick to his ideas. Ryan thinks Leslie should be let go for failure to execute. Marcela, in about her tenth word of tonight's boardroom, agrees with Ryan. Leslie blames Marcela, and even accuses her of playing on the internet. Marcela, shocked that Leslie is saying any of that, calls Leslie's accusations weak and desperate.
They're sent out, then called back in. Martha tells Ryan that she doesn't want to see him, who has backbone, giving in to advice that might not be proper. Then she tells Marcela, "talk about backbone! You're always slouching in your chair, you could sit up a little straighter and be stronger." Now, here was my favorite part.....Marcela didn't sit up straight on Martha's command. I found that very funny. I really think that Martha wanted her to, expected her to, but Marcela maintained her slouch. That made me happy, for some strange reason. Then Martha expresses her disgust at Leslie always running out to see what a consulting firm thinks, or what a focus group thinks. Alexis, allowed to speak for once, says "this company started by telling other people what to like, or showing them what to like." Ryan is told he gets to stay, then Martha says she prefers doers (Marcela) over talkers (Leslie) and tells Leslie "We just don't need you" which is my favorite ouster thus far on this show.
You almost made it to the last task, but you didn't, haha! Your motormouth would be put to much better use at a telemarketing firm...maybe in the future I'll let you hawk my magazine subscriptions to people by telephone. Lots of luck from Charles and myself, because you'll need it.
P.S. Oh, wait, that girl on my right has something to say...okay. I mean, my daughter Alexandria...no, Alexa...wait, Alexis, I remember now! Alexis! Well, she says you have a big mouth and she's sick of hearing you yak. Ha! She's a chip off the old block, isn't she?
For next week, when Jim and Ryan both appear to drink on the job! Well, who doesn't? It took me four iced Wild Turkey Hills to get through this recap!
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