*knocks on screen* Hello? Is there anybody out there? Just nod if you can hear me...... So, am I the last soul on the planet left watching this show? Is anyone, anywhere following what's left of Martha's Apprentice? According to the declining ratings you're slipping, people! What, you'd rather watch "LOST?" Instead of watching the always pleasant, uber-talented Martha, you'd rather watch a show about castaways on an island...hot, sweaty gorgeous castaways like Josh Holloway (Sawyer) or Naveen Andrews (Sayid)? I mean, REALLY? You WOULD? **Heck yeah, me too, but I signed up to recap this show, dagnabbit, and I'll see it through to the bitter end! Plus, thank goodness for TIVO, where I can have it ALL.**
Last week, Matchstick lost (again) and David was sent home. Or, in his case, back to Boy Scout troop 127. Martha was kind in her dismissal, encouraging him to forward his internet ideas to her internet department. Read the fine print, David, you don't want to end up as a sacrificial virgin for Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia. Now, on the this week.
Blonde Friends Forever!
Blonde Sarah is going to be project manager for Primarius, and blonde Carrie is going to her second in command. Carrie declares that the blondes are running the show. Sarah is as excited as she was during her first kegger at the frat house. (which was two weeks before she applied to this show) With this peppy blonde pair, how can Primarius lose?
The Mission Is...
Both teams hop over to the creative studios to meet up with Peter Arnell, who is a brand inventor, and his co-worker-bees Chad and Tara. He gets Martha on the phone, as she's in her SUV enroute to points unknown. The task is to create a live-action mobile billboard, for a new product, the Tide To Go instant stain remover pen. From this I gather a) Live Action - something live will be active b) mobile billboard - a billboard will be moving. So, something live will be active on a moving billboard. (yeah, I'm really quick like that) All in all, it sounds unsafe to me. The team that creates the most city-wide buzz wins.
Primarius gets to their boardroom to start planning. Sarah is overly excited, and immediately decides that she'd like constant movement, like acrobats. Yes, she said acrobats. What do acrobats have to do with the Tide To Go instant stain remover pen? I have no idea, unless a brand new acrobat needs one after they soil themselves out of fear, or an acrobat lands badly and it's needed to remove blood stains. Jim, who's been such an annoying doofus on previous episodes, wisely says they need to think about the product, and focus on the product. Sarah's just not so worried about that. She instructs everyone to brainstorm silently, writing down anything that comes to mind. Now, to me, brainstorming is where a team spouts off their ideas, bounce them off each other, expand on the other's ideas, until the team as a whole comes up with an acceptable result. But nooooo, Sarah wants them to do this silently, so they sit, and they sit.....and nothing.
Over at Matchstick, Dawna is the project manager. They're brainstorming like a NORMAL team, and Ryan quickly comes up with the idea of a boxing ring, and knocking out stains. Everyone likes it, yay all around. They draw arms on the cartoon Tide To Go pen, and call him "Tide To Go Joe". Well, it's catchy. Ryan is going to be their superhero for this task.
Bizarro World, Revisited
Sarah sends Bethenny and Howie out to a prop store, hoping that just by seeing some props, they'll get incredible ideas. Once they're there, Howie sees some giant boxing gloves and says "knocks out stains?" Bethenny likes it, so they phone the idea in to Sarah. Sarah asks Carrie about it (even though it's Sarah who is project manager) and Carrie nixes the idea. The ONLY idea. Jim gets the graphics for the billboard done, and is quite worried about them having no direction. Sarah sits around biting her thumb, and Carrie counts the money, recounts the money, and types some figures into the computer. Woo.
Clueless and More Clueless
Over at Primarius' area for constructing their mobile billboard, Howie voices his concern to Carrie about their being no strategy, no plan. Carrie doesn't care, as she's in a tizzy about losing her blue pen. Jim says they've got nothing but the graphic. Sarah thinks she's finally got it, and says "the stick is called 'to go'". Okay, so now we know she can read. Oh wait, she thinks she has a point...the stick is called "to go" the billboard is on "the go", the purpose of the stick is that you can "go with it". She wants people juggling with it, dancing with it, and their whole theme based on movement. Yes, when I do MY laundry I usually spend loads of time juggling the huge jug of Dreft and dancing around with my Snuggle softner. If looks COULD kill, Howie's stare would make Sarah nothing than a burnt clump of blonde hair. "See the to go pen! Goes with you!" Frankly I think her teammates would be justified to maim her with an assortment of Martha Stewart cutlery.
The Newest Superhero is....
Tide To Go Joe, aka Ryan, dressed up in a orange unitard, with blue trunks, black boots, and a white cape. He prances around happily, and you can totally envision him as a 6-year old boy playing Superman. Or maybe he never got to play Superman, so he's finally living out a childhood fantasy. At any rate, he has the body for a unitard, though I don't find the neon orange particularly sexy. Matchstick has parked their billboard, complete with a boxing ring, and theyr'e doing sampling on the street, demonstrating how the pen works. Ryan "fights" various stains in the ring, and the crowd cheers. I find it oozing the cheese overall, but it seems successful.
Primarius has their billboard parked, and the graphics looks nice. However, something very very strange is happening on the stage of their truck. Bethenny is shouting some strange jingle "it's time for Tide To Go", while Jim is wearing some round Tide thing around his neck, ala Flavor Flav. Sarah is on the ground, yelling happily, and there are jugglers and hip-hop dancers. It's a pointless, noisy mess. But, I have to admit, Jim's dancing is cracking me up. Sarah thinks as long as they hand out all of their samples, they'll win! Poor naive Sarah. I almost feel bad for her stupidity. But I don't.
The winner is...
Martha and Peter call in the two teams, to find out who won. Peter says that Matchstick was extraordinary, even saying that the campaign could be ready to launch tomorrow. Then, about Primarius, he says he was underwhelmed, that it was the most pathetic display he'd ever seen. Then he puts in the final blow with "it was actually a waste of my time today to go and see it." Hee, I like Peter, he's upfront and to the point. Clearly Matchstick wins, and their prize is breakfast at Martha's house.
*skimming over the prize this week*
Okay, so they all go to Bedford for breakfast with Martha, and her neighbor (who happens to be Peter Arnell from the task.) Breakfast is outside, and everything is lovely, but then I'm alarmed by a lion emerging from the porch. A split-second later I realize that's her very puffy dog. Nothing exciting happens here, except for me deciding if I am ever going to have a dog, a puffy one like that might be nice.
Carrie tells Sarah that she'll rally behind her, but in confessional says "it's everyone for themselves, I'm not fighting for her." Way to go with that Blonde Power there, Carrie. A few minutes later Sarah says "we never got on the idea of a concept." HUH? Is that even a logical sentence? This is about the fifth time this episode I've wanted to smack her.
Down To The Wire
They gather in the conference room for their tongue-lashing. (quick thinking dirty thoughts, pervs!) Everyone agrees the task was a mess. Martha makes a point of the fact that Howie came up with the same boxing idea that Matchstick did, but it was shot down. Martha asks Sarah who did the best job, and she says Jim. Martha then allows a shocked Jim to return to the loft. Sarah is then asked who'd she send home and she says "Howie" and adds that every person has questioned what has Howie contributed on every single task. Bethenny calls her a liar, and says that she never said that about Howie, and calls Sarah desperate and pathetic. (I'm beginning to like Bethenny a bit at this point, because she's sticking up for my favorite, Howie) When Howie is asked who is the weakest, he says he was pleased with Bethenny's work, so he'd say Sarah and Carrie, by process of elimination. Martha tells Howie that he's been very good on every task up until now, so he gets another chance. She tells Bethenny that she has the energy to do this job. But there the compliments end, and she tells Sarah that her leadership qualities are lacking, and says that Carrie didn't help Sarah in any way. Then it's "Sarah, Carrie, neither one of you fit in."
Poison Pen Time
Go back to your sorority, you're clueless about the world. If you work hard I'll see about getting you a job in the layaway department of your local K-Mart Store.
I really have no idea what you did, good or bad, but I have to cut this show down to a certain number of episodes. I did overhear your constant "blonde" comments, and you should know there's only ONE blonde in power at Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia, and that's ME. While I'm on the subject of hair, you should really invest in a flat-iron, as your coif is very unkempt.
So there you have it, dear three people who still watch this show along with me. Unedited, and yes, not that you can't tell, I am again hopped up on cold medication...will this sickness ever end? Please send chicken soup and crackers to email@example.com
Next week on The Apprentice Martha Stewart....Jim spanks himself on live television. NO I'm not making that up. Join Roseskid for one of her delicious recaps then!