Last week on The Apprentice: Martha Stewart, we got to see Dawn's demise. Dawn's dismissal. Dawn's downfall. Oh, you know what I mean, Dawn is gone. *hee, that kind of rhymes*
The phone is ringing, and official phone answerer Carrie rushes to it. It's Julia, telling both teams to head back down to the conference room. Apparently this amount of information puts Carrie on overload, and she has to actually write it down. Like she may forget it in the next 30 seconds before she heads out the door. Somehow, she makes it to the conference room, along with the other candidates,and Jim is gleeful to let Martha know he's already in his jammies.
Team Feng Shui
It's time for team re-organization! Three of Primarius' people have not yet been project manager, so of those three, Martha picks Ryan and Jennifer to head up each team this go-round. Everyone else has to get up and be picked for a team, just like grade-school dodgeball. Jennifer for Primarius goes first, picking Howie. She follows with Sarah, Carrie and Bethenney. Ryan, for Matchstick, chooses Dawna, Amanda, Leslie and David. This leaves Marcela and Jim for last. Jennifer adds Jim, while Ryan is left with Marcela. Martha is quick to say that for Matchstick, it wasn't the team name that was jinxed, it was the people that were jinxed. I think they weren't jinxed, I think they were "Jim-ed", but we'll see if that proves to be true this task.
Bad To The (Wish)Bone...I Mean Phone
Next morning, Carrie is asleep, right next to the phone. She's not about to let anyone else get to that phone first, she wants to be known as "the one who answers the phone". Can you actually see Julia, Martha's receptionist, compiling a list for Martha of *who* has answered the phone each and every time? Well, yeah, okay, so can I. The phone rings, and Ryan, sneaky cad that he is, swoops in and answers it a split second before Carrie gets to it, prompting Carrie to beat the wall, then fall in the floor sobbing "Damn you Ryan! The phone was MINE, mine I say.....now I have no trademark!" *okay, that last part is a lie, but she did kind of smack the wall and utter "Ryan!" all mad-like.* Julia's message is that Martha has business to attend to that morning. (translation speculation: was still wearing her ankle bracelet monitor and was limited to hours she could spend off-homesite?) Martha will appear to them in a holographic image in the kitchen, sort of like Princess Leia did in the original Star Wars. Fooey, it's just a regular video conference on the television. The task is as follows: each team has to create and sell a limited edition salad dressing. They'll be selling them in Stew Leonard's Markets. Whoever makes the most money, wins.
That Looks Like Barf, But It's Snot
Matchstick is at the test kitchens, and Ryan tells Marcela to create a dressing on her own and see how it comes out. Good call, considering she's a cooking instructor. Marcela's first dressing has a latin theme, and is declared good by everyone, but her teammates have a problem with it being green. Personally I don't think it looks very appealing, as it reminds me a lot of a by-product of when I had food-poisoning. *and that is just enough info about THAT* Amanda suggests using rosemary, Marcela listens to her and creates a new, non-green dressing. Her fellow Matchsticks like it, but Marcela seems disappointed with their reactions. The final product is a Rosemary-Lime Vinaigrette.
And It's Good On Sesame Noodles
Over at Primarius, Jennifer is heard saying this profound statement "this has to be a great dressing for salad lovers, primarily for salad." Sure, I know she meant as opposed to a dip or marinade, but that sure sounded strange. Jim's in charge of creating the label, since he has a degree in graphic design. Bethenny is creating the dressing, since she's a natural foods chef. She's tossing stuff in the dressing right and left, and having Carrie write it down as she tosses it in. Bethenny is very confident that her dressing will be better, and says "there is no way that Marcela can touch me in the kitchen" and then adds "but back in the loft, in the quiet of the sultry night, anything goes!" She goes with an Asian Vinaigrette, which everyone loves.
The Boomerang Dressing
Matchstick is selling their dressing at the Stew Leonard's in Yonkers. Ryan priced it at $3.49, and everyone seems to be participating in the selling of the product. Especially Leslie, who is pushing 2 or 3 bottles on customers, saying "oh just one more!" and actually placing the product in customer's carts. I'm really surprised that people let her do that. But it comes back to bite Leslie, as people are dumping them off in other aisles, and giving them back to the cashier instead of buying. Even Charles gets in on the action, restocking a couple of bottles. All in all the public appears to really like the product, but not enough to buy three bottles at a time.
But Can You Clean Your Windows With It?
Primarius is at a Stew Leonard's in Connecticut, selling their dressing at $3.99 a bottle. Right off the bat, Jim is sounding like a carnival worker/snake oil saleman with his pitch of "it's been known to cure warts, try before you die, massage the wife's feet, she'll love it!" He's loud and obnoxious, but no one says anything to him, instead they comment to each other about how crass he is being. Howie asks Jim if he thinks the other team priced their dressing for more, and Jim says "They don't have the @#$%*$ balls!" This prompts a customer complaint to Les the manager. When confronted, Jim denies the vulgarity, and the team is told that if there is another incident, they'll be out of the store. Jen, instead of putting a stop to Jim's actions, runs to Bethenney to tell her about the warning, and to Howie, asking him if she should pull Jim. Jen's worried that Jim is unpredictable and thinks he'll go on a rampage if pulled from selling. When Alexis stops by, does Jen make sure she's having a shining moment? No, she's lining up bottles, while Jim is still blathering on loudly with his circus-like pitch.
And The Winner Is......
To the conference room for the task results. Primarius sold 391 bottles of their Asian Vinaigrette at $3.99 each, for a total of $1,560.09. Matchstick sold 453 bottles at $3.49 each for a total of $1580.97. Matchstick wins by $20.88! Which is about 6 bottles of their dressing. As their reward, they get to go on a ride on an old schooner, the Lettie G. Howard.
And The Winner Isn't...
This crappy commerical that comes next! Charles and Alexis hawking the Rosemary-Lime Vinaigrette (along with a Cranberry Walnut Vinaigrette.) This is seriously a bad promo spot.
And The Winner Also Isn't...
Primarius, some of which are pow-wowing on the couches concerning their loss. Jen thinks Jim is crazy, and a snake, a crazy snake. Sarah was humiliated the entire time. Bethenney thinks the rest of them are weak for being scared of Jim. Jim later approaches Carrie and Howie, asking what Jen did to contribute. Label? no. Flavor? no. Sales? nope. Carrie would rather have Jennifer on the team, as she thinks that Jim might kill her in her sleep, but she contends that he sold a lot of dressing. Jim mouths off, and mouths off, and mouths off some more, until he says the magic words "I'm warning you" to Howie. Howie goes nuts, saying "Don't warn me! Don't warn me about ANYTHING!" I'll warn you, Howie...warn you that you're looking as nutty as Jim over there.
I'd Schooner Be In The Loft, Sleeping
Matchstick arrives at Chelsea Pier, to be greeted by Martha before their excursion. She asks them if they have jackets and says that she was going to loan them a blanket from her car if needed. I bet if Howie's team had won he'd be all over that offer, ready to snuggle down into Martha's blankey, inhaling the aroma of power and prestige. Or K-Mart, whichever. On schooner Lettie G. Howard, the team has a few small tasks to help out, but somehow I think they'd rather have had the dessert with Trump from an earlier task.
What Did The Lion Say When He Ate The D.A.?
"You lawyers are pretty tasty, it's just those darn briefs that get stuck in my teeth!" Lawyers, briefs...get it? Okay, I know it's a bad joke, but I just made it up. Primarius gathers in the conference room for the booting of the next candidate. Jim's crassness is immediately pounced upon, but it's noted that he stopped (to a degree) when warned. Charles stabs his unlit phallic symbol into the air (yes, I'm being repetitive from a previous recap, but really, why doesn't he either put it down or light the darn thing? It's like a security-cigar, and really rather disturbing.) Jim rolls his eyes at Charles' comments. Charles then goes to Jen, asking what she was doing when Jim was acting up. She meekly tries to defend herself, saying she was helping prepare salad, and that she was scared that Jim was a time bomb waiting to go off. Jim really does a great job of putting the blame on her, saying she hid the whole task, that she's a scared rabbit, and that he was a lion and she couldn't control him. This "rabbit" comment is picked up on by Charles, and even repeated by Jen herself. Martha tells them that it's obvious the only two people she needs to see back in the room will be Jen and Jim.
Jennifer and Jim head back to the table of doom. Martha asks Jim if he thinks he's better than Jennifer, and he says "yes, far superior in every way, shape and form." Jen thinks he's a better liar. Jim runs all over Jennifer, who just flat doesn't defend herself. Martha points out that for a D.A. (district attorney) to not be able to defend herself is telling, and Martha decrees "Jennifer, you're just not working for me." After they leave, Martha says it's more interesting to have a live wire around, and Charles adds the company is not built on Jennifers. Martha then whips out her poison pen for the letter..."Jennifer, you were as boring as a saltine cracker. You have no backbone, and I feel sorry for any of your clients as you practice law. You are a waste of nice stationery. Cordially, Martha Stewart."
Tune in next week for celebrity dog auctions!
Do you have a wish(bone)? contact email@example.com