10/5 The Apprentice-Martha Stewart Recap: You're So Fake You Make Me Ache
Previously on "The Apprentice : Martha Stewart", we saw Chuck get ousted for his "I quit" attitude, found out that Dawn is the least liked on her team, and reaffirmed that Jim is a jackass.
Riiiiiing, riiiiiiiiing. Carrie rushes to answer the phone and it's Martha, calling from her horse barn. Carrie lets Martha know that almost everyone is sleeping, a fact that Martha finds absurd as she is a machine and has already canned 4,000 jars of beets and plowed the back 40. After giving the instructions on where to meet, Martha gives Blackie the horse a big ol' smooch. Blackie replies "ppppppbt" which I translate as "next time don't forget my carrots, fancy lady."
Matchstick and Primarius join Martha, Charles and Alexis in the Creative offices of Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia. The office is decked out for a wedding shoot, and Martha arranges some copies of her wedding magazine, and Charles comments on how he hopes the teams do the right research. *cue foreshadowing music* The teams arrive and Martha lets them know that their task will be to design, bake and decorate an original wedding cake, which they will then sell at a bridal fair at Michael C. Fina. Whichever team sells the most cakes will win. Of course, whichever team doesn't win will be losing a team member, and Martha says "I hope it's not Matchstick." Shawn pipes up with "I guarantee it won't be." Shut up, Shawn! Did you never watch the Trump version of this show? Jim and Dawn both look like they are going to barf.
Over at Matchstick, David is the PM. Shawn phones some cake guru, Sylvia Weinstock, for advice on current cake trends. Shawn relays to the others that pink icing is in, and individual cupcakes are out. For the record, I went to the Sylvia Weinstock website to look at the cakes. The only one I liked was a big standing giraffe cake, but I think it might be kind of gruesome once it's cut. Someone would want a piece of neck, someone else a leg, and then they're just be this sad, maimed giraffe body left on the cake stand. Oops, where was I? Bethenny, Marcella and Dawn are with the baker, and Marcella and Bethenny decide on a 4-layer oval cake with pink ribbons. Dawn is worried that they're catering to a more narrow audience with that cake, but doesn't speak up, as they all hate her and would never listen. Back on their marketing side, Shawn is saying that they're going to kick hiney, while cramming in a powerbar. Charles comes in to check on them, and Shawn tells him that they're on the road to greatness and that he has her word that if they don't win, he can fire her personally. Again, I repeat, has Shawn NO CLUE about how this show works?
Howie is the project manager for Primarius. His team throws out some good ideas, such as appealing to a wider customer base, having more than one flavor and keeping prices low. They research using Martha's website, and going into various wedding stores for ideas. They decide upon a 5-tier cake, with each tier being a different flavor. Later Howie has a meltdown in the kitchen because Sarah didn't get a cake stand. Sarah says a cake stand wasn't part of the presentation duties. Howie screams LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE! to Sarah, but they quickly make up. Alexis then visits the Primarius kitchen, wearing the most matronly formal gown I've ever seen. She amuses them with a story of getting yelled at by Mommy Dearest when she was trying to decorate a cake for Mommy's birthday. Something tells me that Alexis has issues, one of which is she looks a good 15 years older than her mother.
**Emergency recap warning...someone has breeded with Jim. He phones his wife and finds out that she just had the baby, a little girl. My only comment for this situation is that I hope he acts a lot better at home than he has on this show. You may now rejoin the recap, already in progress.**
David has stayed up with Marcela all night, working on the Matchstick cake. The rest of the team joins them in the morning, with yells and sceams about loving this asymmetrical pink and white hat-box-looking cake. Everyone except Shawn, who states "It is what it is". Twice. Bethenny and Jim are to move the the cake to the van. For some reason, David puts on rubber gloves and walks right behind Bethenny, who is walking backwards, with his hands outstretched right at her buttocks. He looks like some strange ass-grabbing mime. Meanwhile Shawn is cramming in another powerbar.
At the bridal fair, Ryan is the salesperson for Primarius. He tells a prospective customer that they can have all 5 flavors or all the same, it's their choice. Choice, that's a novel idea for a bride! Over at the Matchstitck cake, an on-looker mentions that it looks like a cruise ship, while another says it reminds them of a boot. Shawn tells a future bride that everything is non-negotiable, "it is what it is" and that you either love it or you hate it. Back at Primarius, Ryan is selling an internet-love couple a cake at $6 a serving, while Matchstick is using the used-car tactic of "I'm not trying to pressure you" and saying $10 per serving.
Conference room time. Charles give the sales figures for Primarius. Five cakes were sold, for a total of $3,658. Alexis breaks it down for Matchstick.....they sold none. Talk about a complete loss! As a reward, Primarius will get to have dessert at Jean-Georges restaurant, with The Donald and his new bride.
Matchstick returns to the conference room alone, to discuss the loss. Martha questions the design, and Marcela says she was trying to think outside of the box. Shawn interrupts "Sylvia Weinstock said this...Sylvia Weinstock said that..." and Martha screams "Screw Sylvia Weinstock! I've sold more cakes than that hag has ever dreamed of! She's not fit to lick my ankle bracelet, if I still had one!" Charles then asks Shawn why she said her idiotic "if we lose fire me" statement earlier, and Shawn says, "in my business, they say fake it 'til you make it." *gong* Martha icily replies "not in MY business."
David then chooses Dawn and Marcela to come back with him to the conference room. Charles chews on his unlit phallic symbol. Martha says "David is clueless! This wasn't about baking the cake, it was about SALES! Call the rest of the team back in here!" Once they're all there, she tells them that not being able to sell one cake shows a complete lack of sales ability, but singles out Shawn for her "fake it" comment. Shawn begs "Forgive me, it's simply a t.v. analogy, when you're on t.v. and haven't learned your craft yet..." Martha interjects "I've been on t.v. since before your hairdo was in STYLE! Twelve years! I've never faked anything! Plus, this is a job interview, and you volunteered to go home. I wish you well but I have to say Goodbye!" Matchstick has barely left the room when Martha grabs her poison pen for Shawn's letter..."You are fake, you never shut up, best of luck!"
This recap was written with a 102 degree fever and a bottle of Vick's Formula 44 contact firstname.lastname@example.org