Hello Dear Readers, tis I, Critical here to attend to your every ANTM wishes and needs. No, not buying it? What gave me away?
Ok, you caught me, I’m not really Critical. It’s me, Iguanachocolate. filling in for the illustrious Critical whilst she is off tending the woes and tribulations of the needy on catwalks everywhere. Please don’t despair, you will have your beloved recapper back next week. For now, bear with me as I stumble down the runway into an unknown world…
As I take you through the events of the night, please keep the following numbers in mind: 0, 3, 11, 43 and 6. Yes, there will be a quiz later. No one said I wasn’t allowed to test you.
Back at the ranch after the elimination ceremony, Whitney expresses disbelief that Claire was gone and relief that she, Whitney, was still there. Oh, did you know that Whitney was a plus sized model? Lauren was surprised Claire went home because she seemed more personable than herself and Stacy Ann wants to be called first this week. She needs to push herself because she can win America’s Next Top Model. What was that I heard? The dulcet strains of Forshadowing’s Theme? Dominique shows up on my television screen and I find myself thinking “I thought there was an age limit on this show?” Seriously, if people over 40 can apply for this show then I am there. I know I have what it takes to be a top model.
And now we arrive to the dramatic theme (as I can tell by the drippy theme music that bursts from the speaker’s of my flat screen. Where of where would I be without the help of television music to set the mood of a scene) of this week’s episode: Poor Fatima, she has no ‘travels document’ and therefore runs the risk of not going over seas with the other girls. She holds court with her minions and explains her plight. I can’t help thinking that this is something that should have been taken care of before she was cast on the show, but that’s just me. Silly me, wanting to think and plan ahead and thereby missing out on potential reality show DRAMATIC MOMENTS. The girls are sympathetic (on the outside) to her plight and Anya tells her to contact her consulate every single day until she gets them.
I know that this dramatic moment has ended for a bit because the music switches to a peppy upbeat number and in walks Paulina Porizkova and answers the girls screaming with her own and then something strange happens: this girl appears on my screen whom I have never seen before, Katarzyna and she speaks. Seriously, is she in this competition? I’ve been watching the show fairly regularly and I don’t really remember seeing her before. Anyway, Ms. Porizkova is there to teach the girls how to schmooze at parties and deal with the press on the red carpets. Paulina Lesson Number One advises them to know how to converse around very important people and to not be a blank face. She plays a party game with the girls where she is snooty Mrs. DuBois who owns a cosmetic company and the girls must try to make an impression on her. Anya seems to hold her composure even after “Mrs Dubois” tells her that her entire family is dead when Anya inquires about them. Stacy Ann seemed to be vying for a cosmetics commercial, Lauren breaks down in the giggles, Dominique addresses Paulina by name then proceeds to ask her what her name is, and Katarzyna is mistaken for the hired help. Or maybe she is the hired help, I am not sure. Critiques from Paulina indicate that Anya did well and Stacy Ann was a bit fake. Then Paulina plays a giddy reporter and finds out that Fatima sleeps in the nude, Dominique can’t seem to make a sound bite to save her life, and Whitney seems to be competing for the title of Miss America on the platform of plus size models. After all this is done, the girls speculate that the training session will end up as a challenge soon.
Buckle down folks, we have another dramatic moment: Whitney, Lauren and Anya decide to make potato pancakes. Unfortunately, none of them are Top Chefs and no one has thought to show Lauren the correct way to hold a knife and off goes her thumb. Well, perhaps not her entire thumb, but it did cut through the nail and a producer whisks her off to the ER. In the aftermath of that dramatic moment the producers hit us with another chapter in the Fatima travels document dramatic theme moment. She is speaking on the phone to another of the show’s producers and he tells her that her lawyer has spoken with the consulate and they are not inclined to give her the papers as it is too last minute. The producer is worried Fatima will not get her documents in time. I’m thinking, again, this really should have been done much earlier, yes? Fatima worries and cries in confessional. She is so upset that I just want to reach through the screen and shake her until she remembers that dramatic moments are always resolved by the end of the hour. How else would they be able to have new dramatic moments to preview for the next show?
Lauren comes back from the hospital and lets us know she sliced off the top of her thumb and they even had to cut a bit of the nail off! It sucks. It really sucks. But that does bring us to the conclusion of this particular dramatic moment except for the mini dramatic moments spawned off in the form of how will this affect her shoot?
So far we have been spared the mass hysteria that accompanies Tyra Mail, however a big gold box does appear on the runway. It is filled with lemons, limes and an invitation to an exclusive green carpet event hosted by Jay Godfrey and 7-Up. I’m thinking it is so exclusive that only ANTM staffers and past contestants will be there, but that is just me. Whitney again says that she will be at a disadvantage because she is a plus size model in a size zero world. You know, this refrain is getting a bit old. You don’t change the world by mentioning your alleged shortcoming every 5 seconds. It is changed by living as if there were no weakness at all. But I digress…
Jay Godfrey is kind enough to send over his director of styling, Courtney Kish, with dresses from his collection for the models to wear. They get their make up and hair done and start off for the fake press event, I mean party. I must say, Jay Godfrey’s dresses are really cute on the girls. As they arrive at the alleged party they first must navigate the green carpet and be interviewed by some woman I did not know. I ran through the tape several times and could not get her name. I am just going to refer to her as ‘Media’. Media and Jay Godfrey are the judges for this challenge. First up is Stacy Ann who does an ok job, but seems a bit fake to me however she does know the designer’s, Jay Godfrey’s name. Anya knows the designer’s name and does a wonderful and gracious job. Fatima goes next, then Katarzyna who knows the designer’s name as well (are you sensing a theme here – are you following Forshadowing’s song?). Next is Dominique and Media asks her who is she wearing and Dominique says, “Jay Giorgio” accompanied by an ominous clash of the cymbals. Media repeats what she says as Dominique perfects the blank look of a true model. Up next is Lauren who says she should be America’s Next Top Model because she can kick “the **** out of those girls anytime.” Apparently that is the worst thing Media has ever heard because all she can do is repeat the word “wow” over and over. Next up is Whitney who I am terribly afraid is going to fall out of her dress at any moment although she looks fabulous even while sounding like a pageant queen and dissing her fellow skinnier contestants. Finally they all enter the part and party chatter ensues. For the most part they handle themselves well, though I do wonder where Stacy Ann is from, she certainly never mentions Miami <insert sarcastic tone here>. Finally the end of the party and the results are in. Stacy Ann is sure she has it in the bag as she is very good at marketing herself. (Mr. Forshadowing send me a theme, make it the sweetest I’ve ever seen…)
Media and Jay Godfrey are there to give the results: Anya is charming, poised and can sell her dress. Dominique broke red carpet #1 as she didn’t know the designer she was wearing. Lauren has a potty mouth. Stacy Ann was accused of thinking too much and being distant on the red carpet. After all is said and done, Anya wins the challenge and as a prize gets to go to a photo shoot for the new au natural 7-Up. She arrives at her location in a white limo and does a beautiful job in the ad. At the end of the shoot, she receives a box of citrus and finds a card with a check for $10,000. Not bad, I’d say! When she gets back to the loft she tells the other girls about her “10,000 dollars check”.
Fatima still has not heard about her travels document and is worried. She finally hears from a producer that he has gotten her an appointment at the consulate for 9 am the next morning. Forshadowing starts the second movement of its symphony when Tyra Mail arrives and says:
“There is no time to lag, so pack up fast or you’ll miss your connection.”
Immediately the screaming begins and the girls rush around packing and screaming about going abroad. Fatima is joining in and looking joyful so I am wondering has she forgotten she has no travels documents? Oops, my bad, of course she hasn’t forgotten. She is very worried at the moment and rightly so, I think.
The next day, bags all packed, the girls leave for their destination very early in the morning. They arrive at the airport to see Mr. Jay standing by a luxury jet with the stairs down. They are all very excited to know where they are going until he informs them that this is the exciting location for their next shoot! And how wonderful of them to bring their own props! I laugh at their expressions and the wah wah waah musical accompaniment, but Fatima is worried and corners Mr. Jay to let him know she must go to the consulate at 9 am to hopefully get her travels document. Mr. Jay, after a lecture about the global phenomenon that is America’s Next Top Model, expresses dismay that she will most likely miss the shoot but says he will schedule her last in hopes she can make it back in time. Privately, he voices my wonderment at the fact that this has not been taken care of before now. As Fatima makes her way back to her consulate the girls are dressed and primped for their shoot. They meet Mr. Jay back out on the tarmac and he tells them they have to have the shoot done by three pm and he knows it is cold but they have to pumped up their model selves and get through it. It is set up as a group shot, but they will take turns being the focal points. At the end of the shoot, the best shots of each will be made into a composite photo and that will go to judging. The girls are dressed in a retro style and are supposed to be jetsetters jetting off to wherever jetsetters jet to.
First up is Lauren who wants to impress people whilst hiding her bandaged thumb. Mr, Jay tells her to look more excited but understand that her wound is most likely throbbing and over all thinks she did a decent job. Next is Stacy Ann who was having a problem with her eyes as they are very sensitive to wind and they were watering so bad her make up was running. Mr. Jay tells her to work the make up puff she was using to dab at them and though she tries, she seems rather cartoonish to me in her posing. Mr. Jay was not impressed.
Mr. Jay says Whitney is actually sliding back for the first time and looks as if she is ready to receive her crown. Anya did a really good job at mixing it up her poses and tells us she was really trying to think outside the box. Mr. Jay loves her.
Meanwhile, Fatima was able to get her travels document and now is hoping to make it back to the photo shoot on time.
Back at the shoot, Dominique is up – I swear, she looks in her late 40’s. Don’t get me wrong, older woman are very beautiful but I thought this show was for younger girls? Hey, more power to her if she can hold her own with the twenty somethings. Mr. Jay complains she is giving him remedial posing 101 and wants some animation. I say give the old gal a break, I am sure the cold weather is making her joints ache. The last girl is Katarzyna who Jay says has to work it and then the shoot wraps.
Fatima, on her way back to the airport, spots the dressers from the show in a car going the opposite way. She is understandably worried that she has missed the entire shoot. Meanwhile, the girls are collecting their baggage and going into the airport hangar and what do they find? (Cue dramatic moment soundtrack)
Yes, it’s judging time right there in that airport hangar on an elevated white stage. Tyra astutely notices that <gasp> Fatima isn’t there. Err, yeah, about that: are we to believe that Tyra did not know about Fatima’s visa problems. Really? Cue Fatima walking in late to panel. Tyra, in her voice of doom, says the girls are all gorgeous and dolled up but she isn’t and she was late. Fatima explains about her travels document drama and Tyra admonishes her for missing the photo shoot and tells her that girls who miss the shoots generally go home. Fatima apologizes but is crushed. Smiley Tyra returns and tells the girls that they are doing the panel in an airplane hangar because immediately after the girls will board a plane and go to the abroad location. Sneaky Tyra that she is, she keeps the location a secret.
Katarzyna: Nigel says it looks like a vintage airline poster and Katarzyna does the haughty look very naturally. Well, he should know. Tyra says she has the look of conceit, but that’s what jet set is: I’m all that and you’re not. Ms. Jay says she needs gloves in her right hand.
Lauren: Miss Jay loves the extended toe of her left leg. Nigel thinks she looks stunning, and Paulina thinks she looks like a 1940’s airline poster. Miss Jay and Tyra want to know how she can pull off looking so wonderful in her photos but at panel she looks hunched over. Mr. Jay says she should be at panel the way she was at the party, energetic and engaging.
Dominique: Tyra like her booty tuck. Paulina says it is like a high kitsch fun, flirty look. Tyra says she looks like she is having fun. I for one was surprised that she did not look middle aged in her picture.
Stacy Ann: Nigel thinks she looks as if she only has one leg in the picture and goes on to ask her what was up with her behavior at the party it seemed so fake. Paulina says she was overselling her dress like a hooker at a car show. Ok, I added the hooker part. But I bet Paulina was thinking it. Mr. Jay does say that Stacy Ann was having troubles with the wind and that does not show in her photograph.
Whitney: Mr. Jay thinks it is the most natural looking shot for her, but that most of the time she looked like she was reaching for the crown. The dreaded word “pagentry” is spoken again. I am sensing a theme for next week. Paulina thinks Lauren and Whitney need to take a bit from each other.
Anya: Mr. Jay loved the fact that she worked the party naturally and Tyra was surprised that Anya’s accent did not distract people at the party. They loved her photo and Mr. Jay said that no matter what position she was in, she stood out.
Fatima: Does not have a picture, but will be evaluated on her body of work.
Let’s take a break now, for that little quiz I mentioned at the beginning of the recap. You thought I forgot, didn’t you? Well, I didn’t.
A) What is the number of times Stacy Ann mentions Miami?
B) How many confessionals does Whitney have this episode?
C) How old did I think Dominique was?
D) What percentage is the likely hood Tyra did not know about Fatima’s visa issues?
E) How many girls are going to Rome?
(answers at the end of the recap)
And the results of the judging are:
The bottom two are Fatima and Stacy Ann. Tyra holds out a blank sheet and says that Fatima will be staying. Stacy Ann makes a gracious exit and Tyra encourages her to keep going.
The remaining girls finally learn the destination abroad: ROME!
With that, the panel boards their first class accommodations in a private jet and the girls are sent off to the security lines of the masses and coach passage. But who cares as they are going to Rome!
My dvr cut off before the previews, so I guess next week will just have to be a surprise. But I am guessing there will be a challenge and a photoshoot in a local abroad!
Quiz answers: a. 3 b. 11 c. 43 d. 0 e.6
Seriously, 11 confessionals for Whitney, that means she is spouting off wisdom at a rate of 1 every 3.9 minutes.
That's all folks! Come back next week when the Magnificent Critical returns!
Think you should have had a higher score? Feel free to PM me and plead your case. I take bribes.