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G’day, mates! Fair dinkum! Crocodile Dundidgeridoo! It’s time to pack off like a bunch of Irish convicts and travel across the equator to this cycle’s fashion destination…What, you haven’t guessed by now? I hope a jellyfish stings you in the chest, you bloody drongo! Also on this week’s episode of AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL, my personal fave ex-contender helps learn the girls how to talk more better. On to the recap! Although, if you’ll excuse me just a moment, I have to go wrestle my baby out of a dingo’s mouth.
From Russia With Love
Still at their Los Angeles mansion, the girls recover from another emotional judging ceremony. Jaslene is rattled by Tyra’s mention of her falling performance despite “trying my ass off.” Nonetheless, she says she’s still there and, like a hot Latina Ben Folds in drag,”still fighting it.” Jael, ever the alternative cheerleader, gives Jaslene a supportive hug. Brittany is “excited” she made it to the final six; she is also aware that now is the time she must work to stand out from the competition.
Natasha gets nostalgic for all her friends and family in Moscow; however, she makes it clear that she left there for a reason—to fulfill dreams that were bigger than just marrying the guy next door. She and Jael seem to be bonding, they enjoy a nice cuddle by the fire. Unlike other cycles, during which this would be just about the time girls start wanting to throw each other into a fire, these girls seem to be getting along better as time goes by, much of which seems to be due to self-proclaimed “spreader of light,” Jael. Or maybe she was saying, “spreader of light…BUTTER.” Hell if I know, you know how reality show editing can be.
TyraMail is a photo of Tyra looking serious, inscribed: “Trust me. Talking to people every day isn’t as easy as it looks.” Oh quite hawking your talk show, Tyra. Scoot! Go peddle your snake oil somewhere else. Jael reads this out loud in a Russian accent in homage to Natasha, “the Russian Spy.” They hug. Looks like the Cold War in this house is over, and everyone’s warming up to one another! Look, it’s been nearly five minutes and even Renee hasn’t done a single bitchy thing! It’s a miracle.
Me Talk Pretty One Day
The next morning, there is a knock on the door. Today’s visitor is truly special, for it is my favorite ex-Top Model, April from Cycle 2, who is looking more stunning than ever (and informs us that since the show she has been working as a model in the U.S. and abroad). How appropriate is it that the most articulate woman to have participated in ANTM (with Jade running a close second—not!) will be helping the girls to sharpen their public speaking skills. April explains that models today must be multi-taskers too, and one of her favorite post-ANTM gigs has been working as a correspondent (cut to clip of incredibly cheesy, public access looking show called “Miami Vibe”—still looking gorgeous though!).
Jaslene, for one, is looking forward to this. “I have a lot of problems when I talk; my Spanish accent was really bad,” she says, adding, “I want to talk good.” Aw Jaslene, we love your accent; that’s not the problem…The Grammar Gods, on the other hand, are cringing at the use of “good” instead of “well” (hint: one is an adjective, one is an adverb…don’t let me catch you mixing them up again, I’ll beat you with a yardstick!!!). Pop quiz: Do you feel good? No, don’t answer, it’s a trick!
April enlists her friend, Gary Riotto (says he’s an actor/comedian—but really looks more like somebody from accounting than someone from the Improv) to demonstrate a couple of the kinds of interviewees that one might encounter as a TV correspondent. There is the person who won’t shut up, a.k.a. “The Chatterbox”—Gary rambles away like the conversational version of a runaway train car (which for some reason is what I do every time I’m faced with having to leave a voicemail message—nervous habit). April says the best way to deal with a chatterbox is to take something they say and segue it into something new. On the opposite end of the spectrum is the person who doesn’t talk enough; the “deer caught in headlights” or “Timid” interview. Gary acts nervous and shy, like a young schoolgirl. April’s suggestion in this case is to ask questions that are “story starters,” not yes/no or questions that can be answered with one word.
That was all sound advice, although they unfortunately didn’t cover how to handle insane, spacey interviewees like The Crackpot, a.k.a. Farrah Fawcett or Courtney Love (my advice: learn a few, simple restraint holds). Now it’s time to see if the girls can put all they learned to use, by interviewing each other. Jaslene is the first; she is “scared” because “I lose my words sometimes, I just go blank.” She interviews Brittany first, asking what she’s learned (Britt is “more aware of where the cameras are”); there is awkward silence and nervous giggling. April says that is too much “dead air” for television. Gary recommends getting creative when you run out of questions, by making up some of your own.
Natasha believes she would make the best correspondent out of everyone because “I have the look and I can talk.” She interviews Renee, asking hypothetically if she was eliminated, who she thought would win. Renee answers, slightly defensively, “I don’t believe I will be eliminated next.” She is also wearing waaay too much electric blue eyeliner, it makes me want to sing “Electric Youth.” Things get even tenser when Renee takes over the host position and interrupts Natasha before she’s done speaking. Natasha testily answers, “I didn’t end my sentence.” April diplomatically says they’re both “equally confident” (translation: you are acting like you are both having PMS at the same time); Gary reminds them to open out to camera.
When Dionne interviews Jael, Jael acts like a boxing champion, rattling off, “I’m never scared, I’m never nervous, I’m completely fearless, I am the Queen of the World, and I am going to kick all of your butts.” Is she channeling Mohammed Ali or something? Dionne is strangely cold; when Jael asks if she created any “family”-like relations with the other girls, Dionne simply says, “No.” She later clarifies that she’s made friends, but not any she’d consider like family. When Jael asks what she plans to do to set herself apart from the other girls, Dionne gets oddly defensive too, saying she’s already done that (by adopting the name “Brown” which I still think sounds weird). Natasha says watching the interview between Jael and Dionne made her imagine “two cats ready to jump on each other,” especially when Jael asks if Dionne feels she deserves to be here, then remarks, “Well you haven’t won the contest yet.” April and Gary stop the conversation before they rip each other’s heads off; April feels the interview as “a little bit combative” (ya think?), and Gary thinks they’re coming off a little too affected (in short, be yourself).
That night, the girls relax with some Wet ‘n’ Wild fun (oops, shouldn’t mention a CoverGirl competitor); Renee, Natasha, and a Jael (who’s either topless, or they have started making pixilated bikini tops) have a water fight in the pool. Schwing! Renee and Jael are getting along; Renee says despite their differences, they’re always able to get “back on track.” New Renee says she’s letting “Jael be Jael” but a bit of Classic Renee sneaks in when she mentions she doubts Jael “has what it takes to be a model.”
All Hopped Up
The next day they meet April again, who is ostensibly there to give them their assignment. She says they will see if the girls can take what they learned and “hit the streets” with it. But those streets won’t be in the U.S. of A. In hops someone in a gigantic kangaroo costume, surprising everyone; Jaslene is so terrified, she grabs Jael’s arm and clutches her heart like Fred Sanford. Off comes the kangaroo head to reveal Tyra, who apparently moonlights as a cuddly mascot (she truly is a hyphenated talent!).
Tyra reveals they are going to AUSTRALIAAAAA! Screaming and jumping ensues. Jaslene is jazzed, “I have never been nowhere else except in the hood and around the corner.” Renee kisses a little kanga ass by talking about how great Tyra looks in an animal costume and seeing her human side (wrong species, Renee). An animal wrangler then brings in a real kangaroo, or wallaby or something, while Tyra explains the correspondent assignment will take place in Sydney. Natasha screams like 20 minutes later (still getting a handle on the English, maybe?). “Delayed reaction!” Tyra exclaims.
Tyra also explains that the winner of the correspondent challenge will have not only their segment aired on THE TYRA SHOW but will get to be a correspondent on her talk show more than once. Tyra commands them to “Hop to it!” They jump around with joy and then get to packing. Jael, ever the good time girl, throws a tampon at Brittany, who screams with horror (hey at least it was unused); Jael feels like they’re a bunch of girlfriends who won a free trip together. As they lug their suitcases out, they say goodbye to their mansion for the last time.
How To Speak Australian
One quick animated graphic later, and the girls are in sunny Sydney, Australia. At the airport, they are met by Erika Heynatz, an Amazonian blonde model and TV presenter who also happened to be the original host of AUSTRALIA’S NEXT TOP MODEL. She launches into a long speech that has the girls squinting in confusion over phrases like “stuck straight into the hard yakker.” Is she speaking English? It’s certainly not the queen’s English, nor is it the good ol’ American our girls are used to (yeehaw!). Erika, it turns out, was demonstrating some hardcore, true blue Aussie slang.
The challenge today will be to conduct interviews with some Sydney locals on “American Fashion Faux Pas” while incorporating as much Aussie slang as possible. They study their copies of the “Aussie Slang Bible”; Brittany is concerned because in high school she was run over by a car (!) that resulted in an injury that required 8 staples in her head, which in turn affected her short term memory. Wow, poor Britt! I haven’t even been run over by any car and my short term memory is just…
I’m sorry what was I talking about? Oh the interview challenge! Renee is the first to head out onto the beautiful golden beach. Despite having just come straight from the plane, she does pretty well, I think, and quickly racks up points on the slang-o-meter by using words like “avro” (Lavigne?) and “exy.” Dionne doesn’t even seem to be trying. She interviews several people without even getting a single Aussie phrase in; instead, she is scoring high on the “That’s-Cool-o-Meter” by saying “That’s cool” a grand total of 8 times.
Brittany also fails to get much slang in; however she does manage to get insulted by a woman who thinks a major fashion faux pas is a skimpy top with bra straps showing, and Brittany is wearing, oops, a skimpy top with bra straps showing. Jaslene does pretty well, considering how nervous she is about her speaking skills, and she works in some slang right away by asking a man if he has “daks” on; she even charms him into showing them (and Americans will be relieved to know that daks are boxer shorts). She compliments him on being a “dag” (“funny person,” not our delightful FORTer, Dagwood, although maybe that’s the origin of that term?).
Natasha walks up to some guys to ask if they would wear a “lippy” (lipstick). One guys answers no, although hey I thought for sure I clocked your T at the Queen Mary, Girl! She asks what a metrosexual man should wear to “crack on” somebody (which means to ”hit on”), and when this guy doesn’t answer, she exhorts “Don’t be cactus!” (dead) then says after giving them a good “earbashing” (nagging). Jael (in a bright floral print bodysuit, neon green tutu, and denim cargo pants) may look like Bubble’s evil twin from AbFab but has the confidence of Patsy after a Boli Stoli. She thinks she’s great at speaking to people, and is “dressed to impress.”
Afterwards, they meet with Erika again, and a really bad overdub tells them that they won’t learn who won the challenge until next panel. She does, however, bestow upon them the key to their new apartment, which must be HUGE is the Jolly Green Giant’s gigantic key is at all indicative of its size. Alas, while the new place is spacious, it is not the size of a big Alice in Wonderland. Their new digs are decorated with Aussie furnishings, stuffed kangaroos and koalas (not the taxidermy kind, but the cute plush kind), and current ANTM winner Caridee pics up the ying yang.
The first thing I’d do? Run to the bathrooms and see if it’s true that water spins counterclockwise; but these girls unpack instead and speculate on the competition. Jael notes, “I’m always in the bottom two, which is fine as long as I get to stay.” Natasha says with only six left, this is the “break point of the competition where you have to get serious.” Brittany thinks she “can have what it takes to be America’s Next Top Model” but has a bit to learn.
CoverSheila
TyraMail says, “G’day, get ready to put up your dukes.” The girls wonder if this will involve boxing kangaroos? When they meet with Jay Manuel (at a beautiful outdoor location surrounded by animals and nature), however, he informs them that the challenge instead will be to shoot a CoverGirl commercial using a thick Australian accent. Natasha finds this even more of a challenge for her, because she speaks English with her Russian accent and must now layer another over it. Jay says they will shoot the commercial in pieces then edit it later. The premise is that there is a kangaroo photographer waiting for the perfect shot, but their Volume Exact mascara and Queen Collection eye shadows distract him, and he starts shooting them. Yup, happens to me ALL THE TIME!
The girls change into outback duds, and learn their lines while they get their hair and make up done, and work on their Fosters Beer accents. When the girls have trouble getting their mouths around that Australian accent, Sutan and other stylists help coach them. One girl is more worried about remembering the lines…Brittany is nervous because, you see, she has this problem with her short term memory…I know it’s a serious problem, but I can’t help but have a giggle over how much she sounds like Leonard Shelby from Memento each time she brings up her memory problem.
Renee goes first and is introduced to Nick Hudson, who is playing the “photographer” in the spot. Renee decides she wants to go for “Crocodile Hunter” and she actually doesn’t pretty well in my opinion (Jay even compliments her for doing a good job, despite eventually needing cue cards), although she sounds like the character of Rita as played by Charlize Theron in ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT. I’m aware that character was supposed to be from England, but the combination of British + retarded is exactly how Renee’s coming out.
After doing the pitch, the girls have to do reaction shots that will be cut in, and also imagine Queen Latifah in a bubble above them (Nobody puts Queen in a bubble!!!) while they ask “What would Queen do?” Dionne has trouble with this part, blanking out. Jay thinks her whole performance sounded like one run-on sentence. Dionne’s accent is also not that great, and like the other week she seems to channel Miss Cleo–too bad they didn’t go to Jamaica instead of Australia, mon!
Jael says she’s been practicing hard; Mr. Jay tells her to make it conversational, like she’s talking to someone. Jael, God love her, sounds like she’s had a few to many Fosters herself, slurring her lines, going in and out of her accent, and basically spazzing out. Her dorkiness, while adorable in person, is weird in a commercial. Jay imitates the strange shimmy forward and backwards Jael does as she delivers her lines, and actually has me crying laughing with how accurately he does impersonate these girls sometimes. He loves her energy, but says they struggled getting a good line read out of her. After his critique, Jael gets so upset that she leaves in tears; she seems to feel that the commercial doesn’t match who she feels she is on the inside.
Jaslene comes out looking like 1970’s Janice Dickinson in the Serengeti, according to Mr. Jay. When the camera rolls, however, you can read the difficulty all over her face: wrinkled brow, squinting eyes, downturned mouth. Jay tries to get her to relax, and it helps; by the sixth take, Jay says she nailed the entire commercial without cue cards. Ace!
Brittany’s hair and make up looks stunning, but Jay can tell she’s nervous; she explains about the car accident, and her short term memory. He says she needs to learn to work through her shortcomings. She stumbles over the first takes, and by the sixth, she’s still tongue-tied; Jay calls for the cue cards, but by that time, she’s already looking upset in her film (watery red eyes betraying her frustration). The cue cards are also no help because of the problem with her short term memory. Remember Sammy Jankis, Britt!
Brittany weeps, upset that an accident that happened five years ago can still impact her life. By take 29, she’s still struggling; obviously, it’s hard to play the perky CoverGirl when all she can think about is the terrible accident she was in. Jay says she was “totally overcome by that emotional scar and that baggage.” He said it “shattered” her performance.
Natasha is a bit awkward at first; Jay shows her what her “ape”-like stance looks like by demonstrating it for her. She is a little stiff, and Jay says he feels “like this is a Russian pantomime.” She loosens up, and while she doesn’t quite get a handle on the Aussie accent, Jay still thinks her line read is “genius.” “I feel bloody good mate about my CoverGirl commercial,” she says later, sounding like she has a mouthful of marbles but looking like a million bucks.
On the ride back, all the girls worry about their performance. Jaslene talks about how difficult the commercial was. Natasha says she doesn’t want to go home, neither does Jael. “I’m not finished spreading my joy to the universe,” Jael declares. Someone give her own show, now. I mean, if Flava’s girls can have a spin-off, why not Jael? Brittany simply wipes the tears from her eyes, while Renee rambles; Natasha tries to comfort Brittany by saying she looked so gorgeous, her line read won’t even matter, but Brittany seems more upset thinking back on how her accident still effects her years later.
Farewael, Jael
Tyra, looking great with the stick straight hair, has a great, but extremely photoshopped, picture this week. She looks like one pretty Sheila out on the outback. But where’s her bloomin’ onion? Time to judge and also learn who won the TYRA SHOW gig. By the bys, am I the only one who finds the new judging room kind of scary? It looks a Midnight Oil video from the 1980s come to life. Tyra bids everyone g’day and welcomes the final six and our judges, the ever-hunky Nigel Barker, the increasingly ruffled J. Alexander, and the younger-looking Twiggy (good night’s rest or a little botox on the way to Australia?), plus guest judge Erika Heynatz. Tyra takes the opportunity to mention that Top Model is not only in Australia now, but over 120 countries—like some of you FORTers on the board here [waves] Top Model is an international affair.
Evaluations begin with Natasha, who bids the panel g’day. They take a look at the overall commercial which edits the best bits together before looking at Natasha’s individual take. Tyra is all praise for Natasha, saying she can’t believe how a girl from Russia, with a thick Russian accent, was able to deliver such a great Aussie commercial. Good on ya, Nata! Tyra does warn to continue watching for the wrinkled nose she gets when she does that “sexy face.”
Dionne’s best take is filled with mistakes, and Miss J. makes fun of Dionne’s Aussie-turned-Jamaican accent (especially bad during the line, “He thinks I’m the most beautiful Sheila in the bush.”). Tyra reminds her to keep the perky level up when going for a younger audience. Erika says that even when things go bad, like her accent, it’s best to keep a sense of humor about things.
Jaslene is Squinty McWrinkle in her take. Tyra commends her for committing to the accent, but warns against overthinking, as it showed all over her face. Erika points out that Jaslene frowns when she speaks. Tyra thinks she needs to also learn how to give expression without being too big and over-the-top.
Renee says she was going for Crocodile Hunter in her commercial; Tyra says let’s she if she made Steve Irwin proud. Tyra starts laughing, “Yeah you channeled Steve Irwin for real, including the fact that he was a man.” Zing! She thinks Renee looks like she’s selling mufflers, not make up. Miss J. thinks she leans in too much. Still, the panel thinks she looks beautiful, and in one shot, like a young Princess Diana.
Jael’s best take is…well, not good. Okay, that’s being diplomatic, it’s a disaster. The panel seems to feel that the perky, girl-next-door vibe of CoverGirl was at odds with Jael’s penchant for “anarchy.” Tyra thinks she came off as “an anarchist making fun of a CoverGirl” instead of bringing more of herself into her performance, which would have been acceptable. “We’re not looking for cookie-cutter girls,” Tyra says, adding that if they were, none of them would be here.
Finally, Brittany’s up. Tyra notices that she looked near tears in her commercial, and Brittany breaks down in tears in front of and tells them about her accident. “Fashion has no sympathy or empathy,” Miss J. says sternly. Tyra says that since they’ve known her for weeks now, they have “softened” to her, but in the real world of fashion, she’s going to have to figure out a way to work past her problem. Trying to be positive, Erika says there were beautiful moments; Twiggy says she looks “gorgeous” in the silent parts, and credits her for not “overdoing it” like some other girls.
After the judges deliberate, Tyra calls the girls back in to tell them that she will be presenting five of them with photos, or more precisely, “We’ve taken what we call ‘screen captures’ from your commercial and made them a photo.” Oh brave new world that hath such technology in it? What is this strange modern wizardry you call “screen capture” Tyra? I’m just laughing because she says screen capture the way some old people say “the laser.” I mean, honestly, the ANTM audience are the last people you need to explain screen caps to, am I right guys?
Anyway, the screen captures are given out. Natasha is called out first, not only because she impressed the judges overall, but because she is also the winner of the challenge. So we’ll be seeing more of Natasha on Tyra’s talk show (CHECK YOUR LOCAL LISTINGS—DO IT, DO IT, TYRA COMMANDS YOU ON PAIN OF DEATH!!!). If I might interject, I am amazed at how much Natasha’s turned herself (not to mention public opinion of her) around in the course of this cycle. All that spin really worked! I swear, this girl must have read The Secret, and is putting it to use. Even I love her now.
The next three pictures go to Renee, Jaslene, then Dionne…leaving Brittany and Jael in the bottom two. They come up to face the panel holding hands. Tyra says Brittany takes some of the strongest pictures but since a major part of winning this competition includes making a CoverGirl commercial, seeing her falter that badly during a commercial shoot scares the judges no matter how compassionate they’d like to be. Jael also has beautiful pictures, but they way she comes off on film is “ghastly,” especially since they know she has so much “spunk” and personality in person.
Ultimately, it’s Brittany who will stay, and Jael who will go. Jael takes this chance to thank the panel for this “opportunity” which has changed her life. It’s a tearful time for everyone, this goodbye being particularly painful as it seemed that Jael had become the glue that held the girls together. There is a big group hug, then Jael walks out of the judging room. True to her style, Jael dresses up in a bright red tutu and electric china blue wig before packing up to leave. She is proud she made it as far as she did, and says she will miss each and every one of the girls she’s met in this competition. She considers herself fortunate that she was perhaps one of the only people who can claim to have made bonds with all thirteen girls in the competition. Eccentric, colorful Jael once said she enjoys being “different from other people,” and I think that’s what most of us enjoyed about her too. Thanks for putting some color into everyone’s lives, Jael, and good luck for the rest of yours.
Dingoes ate my baby! Dingoes ate my recap! Dingoes ate my email: snowflakegirl@fansofrealitytv. com
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Originally Posted by SnowflakeGirl;2340961; 
