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So what is Tyra going to have the girls do this week on AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL? Whatever she wants them to do, GOSH! Let’s just say this episode is DYNAMITE! Find out who’s retarded and who’s luuucky, whose modeling is sweeeet and whose is sucky. And as always, someone goes home. Find out who the judges vote for, and if their wildest dreams come true! (And if you haven’t seen the movie I’m referring to, none of this intro will make any flipping sense to you!)
Karma’s a Bitch, But In All Fairness, So Was Renee
As usual, the show begins with our girls recovering from the stress of elimination. Whitney is still stinging over having been in bottom two again; she didn’t see it coming at all, in fact, she says she would have bet money on it. Whitney acknowledges she didn’t perform her best, but promises to go “full throttle” this time around.
Back at home, Renee, cheers herself up by listening to a recorded message from her hubby. If you recall, she had a tough time last week when all the girls confronted her about her bad behavior. “Apparently I’ve done things that offend the girls,” Renee says, which is as much an understatement as Bush saying "mistakes have been made" in Iraq. They called her out for it, and now she’s depressed. But hark, what is this? “I just need to be a more sensitive person,” she says. Is this really Renee? Or maybe, with that change of heart, her name is Earl.
Hmm, I’m skeptical, but Jaslene says that ever since the Big Bitch Intervention on Renee they did with Tyra, “things have changed.” Dionne is not convinced; she thinks Renee is “hard to trust” and she still doesn’t “believe anything that she says.” Jael, however, is willing to give Renee the benefit of the doubt; she receives an apology note from Renee for the way she’s treated Jael and the rest of the girls. “I know that she’s an actress and she can turn it on and off,” Jael says of Renee (it will prove a strangely portentous statement), “But that does not mean she was not genuine in her apology.”
Weave Goodbye, The Party’s Over
Meanwhile, there are other demons that require slaying. Brittany is finally going to be rid of the itchy, scratchy bane of her Top Model existence. Christian Marc sweeps into the house like the hairstylist equivalent of Father Merrin to perform an exorcism on the evil, red demon taking residence on her scalp. The power of Christian compels you!
Whitney, however, doesn’t see what all of Brittany’s “bitching and moaning” is about. She’s been wearing a weave since she was 12 and “it’s not that bad.” Brittany enjoys the anesthetic of a glass of red wine while Christian works with surgeon’s precision to cut out that nappy red excuse for a weave. Whether or not it’s all that bad, you can’t deny she looks better without it.
A new TyraMail commands, “Whatever you do, don’t be yourself.” The power of Tyra compels you! Jaslene figures this could mean an acting challenge. Wow, this cycle’s girls are good at figuring out the challenges! Looks like contestants are finally paying attention to past seasons. Not that a monkey couldn’t figure out these “cryptic” TyraMails. Monkeys are very intelligent, however; I have a cadre of them helping me when I write these recaps [cut to Snowy yelling at a million monkeys on a million typewriters, “Faster! I’ve got to post this on the FORT by Friday at the latest!”].
Whitney cheers, arms up in the air, “Yes, I can win a challenge!” She feels acting is her “forte” and is excited for a chance to impress. She wants to show the judges, as well as the other girls, that she is a “threat to this competition.” Another person who is elated is Brittany, who wakes up the next morning a free woman. “My head feels a million times better,” she says, lying in bed with Li’l Brittany not too far away on her bedstand. Maybe she’ll bound with the little tyke eventually.
Babies Having Babies
Speaking of little tykes, am I the only who didn’t know that Natasha has an actual, physical, human baby?!! When she was talking to it on the phone the other week, from the way it whined I thought it was one of those fashionable little lap dogs all the girls love to carry around. I guess maybe since she doesn’t pull out the child card as much as Renee does (I’m only being a big bitch because I want to win this for my family, wah waaah!), that fact escaped me.
Natasha, the Eastern European émigré who was once herself rather offensive then became strangely loveable, kind of like the Borat of AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL, reveals that she is sad to be away from her “baby,” cerulean-eyed daughter Angelina. From her big smile while she listens to Angelina on the phone, you can tell how much Natasha truly loves and misses her child.
Dionne also thinks “the hardest thing about being a model is being away from my baby.” Later on, she too is on the phone baby talking her own girl, Ta’kya. Despite having a name that sounds like a Soul Caliber character, we see from her picture that Ta’kya is also a cutie-patootie. “Nothing compares to missing your own child, there’s nothing like that!”
Renee, Dionne, Natasha…Who else? Seems like everybody has babies this cycle! Am I the only one amazed by this; maybe it’s only shocking because they’re all so young and look so amazing. Nevertheless, the fertility factor is off the hook right now. I felt an egg drop in me just watching this episode.
He Has a Sweet Bike, He’s Really Good at Hooking Up with Chicks, Plus He’s Like the Only Guy on ANTM Who Has a Moustache
The girls head to the old-fashioned Los Angeles Theater, where they meet Tia Mowry, who just so happens to have a new show called THE GAME which just so happens to be on the same network, which just so happens to be the CW. No way! What are the chances? Cross-promote much? Anyway, Tia’s there to teach them how to “embody all different sorts of characters” through “voice and movement,” an essential skill for any model to have.
The first exercise will require the girls to grab a hat and then act and talk like the character it represents. Natasha, in a pointy witch hat, does a decent Wicked Witch impression; Tia tells her to more of her body into it, and Natasha dutifully does so, and repeats her line, “I deserve to be America’s Next Top Model!” Dionne’s a little nervous, but Tia gives her a hint for her Southern Belle; Dionne fans herself and talks about how hot it is in Alabama.
Whitney’s got a big leopard print pimp chapeau. I’d have got my cane out and fishtank platforms and turned y’all out to make Mama some rent, but her interpretation of it is a ”sexy woman.” Tia thought it was “excellent” when Whitney touched her lips and body. In her court jester cap, Brittany does a flip and from her knees declares with a giggle that she deserves to be America’s Next Top Model. Tia says that she wasn’t afraid to be silly and did a good job. Jael, with a gilded crown, stands imperiously and declares she should win “for I am the Queen of the World.” Aw, I thought I was!
Renee, in a hat that’s, I’m not sure, a pilgrim’s? A baby’s bonnet? An Amish woman’s? Anyway, clearly on the verge of a nervous breakdown, she looks like she’s crying, and whimpers “I don’t want to go home next week.” Jaslene is wearing a kind of mini-Aztec/Carnivale headpiece, but she comes out snapping like, well, a drag queen at Circus Disco on Santa Monica, heeeeey, Fish! She says something about the girls that is censored (and I can’t even practice my lip-reading skills because they pixilated it out) but it must have been good because it gets everyone screaming.
Now it’s time for the challenge. The girls get a script that they must memorize in two hours that requires them to portray “three different kinds of characters that give three different types of emotions.” One is a sensitive girl, or as Jael puts it, a “melodramatic Brittany type.” The second is a Diva type character, and the third is a perky, bubbly model.
The girls reconvene in the theater to be greeted by actor Efren Ramirez. Whitney busts out laughing, “It’s Pedro!” I’m glad she called it, because I didn’t even recognize him, looking all GQ in a suit (and without his sweet bike and moustache). Efren is the character actor who played the infamous Pedro in Napoleon Dynamite. The girls will act out the scene, which is about a model arriving late to a fashion show, with Efren, who will play the temperamental designer and will also judge who does the best in this challenge.
First up is the melodramatic model. Brittany, naturally, has no problem with this. Dionne curiously becomes Jamaican. “I have no idea why that Jamaican accent came out,” Dionne admits, “because I do not speak Jamaican at all.” It appears she is afflicted with SJS (Sudden Jamaican Syndrome), an even rarer strain of the terrible disease that has been afflicting the show business population for years, SFAD (Spontaneous Foreign Accent Disorder). Won’t you help poor victims of SFAD like Tina Turner, Madonna, and Gwyneth Paltrow? Stay tuned for more information on how you can make a difference in a celebrity’s life.
Renee has a meltdown on stage (crying, falling apart, red in the face) that, fortunately for her, in this instance looks like good acting, when she’s merely having one of her regular psycho episodes (I could set my watch to her freak out sessions). Renee, who is also good at manic-depressive mood swings, shifts easily into scary Diva Model mode.
Natasha, as they say in acting lingo, makes some interesting choices. At the part in the scene in which the diva model must apply her own make up, she reads “I’ll…put this…on…myself?” with the eerie detachment of someone who has no real grasp of the meaning of what they’re saying but is simply reciting the words, like those pre-recorded voice activated phone systems you get when you call in to customer service, or Jessica Simpson.
Jaslene, sadly, forgets her lines in the middle of the scene. She feels “retarded” and says that moment felt like it would go on forever. Efren thinks her forgetting shows a lack of commitment to the scene. I think with only two hours to memorize, I’m surprised she was the only one to blank out—with my shortterm memory, I’d have trouble memorizing a phone number in two hours, much less an entire scene! As for the rest of the girls, “Whitney’s personality from the beginning to the end was great,” Efren remarks; and Jael is, well, she’s Jael.
Efren announces that the winner tonight is the one who was “fully connected to what she was doing”: Renee! Poor Whitney is visibly crushed to hear she didn’t win. Renee gleefully declares, “I finally won one!” As per usual, the winner gets to pick a friend who’ll share the spoils of victory. Tough choice for Renee, because no one likes her. In fact, I laughed my azz off at the silence in the room when Efren told her to pick a friend.
Dionne looks shocked as a squirrel caught in a power line in a gusty wind when Renee picks her. Renee must believe in keeping her enemies close, “You said you weren’t going to give me another chance,” Renee explains. “I was like, damn, Renee don’t like me for real,” Dionne remarks, “But then she’s trying to make a change so okay I’ma go with the flow.” “Dionne, you’re easily bought,” Jael calls out; Dionne just laughs in response.
Efrens presents them with their prize…The girls, confused, hold up cheapy, bedazzled t-shirts that say “I VOTED FOR DIONNE” and “I VOTED FOR RENEE.” They try to look pleased, but it’s clear that they’re wondering, “Is that all?” It’s one of those awkward, Gee, Thanks type of moments, like when your grandma gives you some hideous sweater that’s three sizes too big and a color you hate for Christmas. You don’t want to appear ungrateful, but it’s like Dang, do you even know me?
In the Family Way
The next morning, Renee is like a new woman. She’s smiling a genuine smile, saying she’s grateful to have won a competition and is loves her t-shirt. Maybe she really is turning herself around this time. Whitney believes Renee is taking “major steps” in trying to become a better person. Jael even tells Renee, “You walk out here smiling, it definitely makes others smile.”
Next, there’s a knock on the door from some surprise visitors. The real prize for Renee and Dionne turns out to be a visit from their families! Renee is harder to hate when you see how happy and loving she is with her husband and son. She is especially happy that her baby boy recognized her, as her worst fear is that he wouldn’t remember her.
Dionne’s mom, sister, and her daughter are there. Dionne said the first thing that came to her mind was “What the [bleep] is wrong with my baby’s hair?!!” Apparently she’s not too happy with the way her sister took care of Ta’kya’s locks (Dionne’s sister, to be fair, has all boys herself). “I was so pissed!” Dionne declares, but she is happy to see everyone.
Dionne’s mom jokes that she wants to have a talk with Tyra to “do something about us older women in wheelchairs.” How about TOP MODEL ON WHEELS? Come on, Tyra, what’s one more show, you have so many! Dionne explains that when she was young, her mom was shot by a man she was trying to help recover from drug addiction when he was jealous about her marriage and the incident left her paralyzed. Now I see what Dionne was saying when she didn’t get why Brittany was always crying about things like her hair; these are the bigger things people have to worry about in real life. But Dionne’s mom is a survivor, and is as full of life as anyone else, in or out of a wheelchair; and she’s clearly happy to see her daughter.
Renee talks about Troy as being the light of her life. She takes him on a stroll—er, crawl, down the living room runway. She can’t believe how big he’s gotten since she last saw him. She thanks Tyra sincerely for letting her family come visit. It’s clear that for Dionne (who works on her baby’s hair) and Renee both, seeing their family gave their spirits the extra boost they needed. The hardest part was saying goodbye.
For Natasha, however, witnessing the others’ happy family reunions only underscores her own sadness at being away from her daughter. In one of those rare instances where her Use Car Salesman demeanor falls away, she starts crying, saying that while she’s really happy for Renee and Dionne, “As a mother I was missing my baby. With my mind, I understood that they are winners of the challenge, but I couldn’t deal with my emotions.” It’s heartbreaking moment when she calls her husband, Stuart, and tells him that when she saw the other families, she expected to see Angelina too, “So I’m just running out and I’m like, where’s my baby?”
Top Model Reruns
TyraMail threatens a visit from “the ghosts of the past.” Natasha is not looking well at all, since she was awake all night thinking about her baby. Even Mr. Jay, the next morning, remarks, “Look at Natasha, she is just not smiling this morning.” Mr. Jay says that since this week is all about acting, this week’s shot will involve portraying “infamous” characters from past cycles of ANTM. Payless is sponsoring this shoot, so Mr. Jay goes into infomercial mode; after hawking them cheapass shoes, he introduces photographer Matthew Jordan Smith, an ANTM regular.
First up is Jaslene, who learns that she will portray Bre’s “stolen granola bars” moment from cycle 5. After they watch the classic clip on a monitor, Jaslene asks is she has to be “mean” in the shoot or “mad”—Jay says, “Would you like to ask Bre for yourself?” Out comes Bre, Jaslene screams, and they hug. “It’s a whole Top Model Reunion,” Jaslene declares. In the dramatic reenactment, Bre is trying to take a purse-full of granola bars from Jaslene, who must also remain mindful to rock the Payless kicks. Jaslene gets numerous reminders to keep her neck long, and tone down the drag queen.
Natasha is extremely upset, and chokes up backstage when she unloads to hairstylist Christian Marc that “Someone decided I don’t miss my baby as much as other girls, and it just skipped on me.” She fears she can’t do the photo shoot, since she is having trouble hiding her feelings. It’s so bad Mr. Jay has to have a little talk with her, and things look dour. It turns out that her character is Cycle 4’s Michelle, whose “flesh eating bacteria” had everyone in an uproar, so Natasha has unattractive, huge red marks painted on her face. When Michelle comes out to play one of the “girls who weren’t so nice” Natasha screams with joy. Despite feeling horrible, Natasha really turns it around and rocks her shoot, getting compliments (and even a hug) from Michelle and Mr. Jay. “I was really proud of what Natasha brought to set today in terms of energy because when we started out today, Natasha was visibly upset, but she worked like a professional model.”
Whitney practices in the mirror, aware her pictures are not as strong as the others’. But she decides not to overanalyze, and just do the best she can in this shoot. Wrapped in a towel, she must be Shannon, from Cycle 1, the girl who refused to do the “nude photo shoot.” Whitney snickers at the vintage clip of Mr. Jay with dark (gasp!) hair. “Don’t laugh at me,” he says, not sounding like he’s joking. Out comes Shannon who will play the girl trying to keep Whitney from posing nude. Matthew and Jay both call for more variety, a change in position; sadly, Matthew thinks Whitney still needs more mirror time, and to relax more.
Jael will be Cycle 4’s Rebecca “fainting during panel.” Oh man, I just cannot watch that clip enough! Rebecca comes out to play the girl catching her fall. Mr. Jay’s eyes widen at Jael’s performance, which keeps coming off too sexy. “They almost looked like they were lovers, which is not what the scene was supposed to be.”
Brittany will be posing with twins Amanda and Michelle from Cycle 7, as their long lost “sister from another mister.” All dressed in identical striped dresses, they are the triplets! Mr. Jay finds her work ”gorgeous.” The twins offer their advice: stay positive, don’t second-guess yourself and just go for it.
Renee will be Cycle 6 Joanie “getting veneers.” Just remembering Joanie in the dentist’s chair with those jack o’ lantern chompers gives me the heebie-jeebies. Joanie, gets compliments from the photographer and looks amazing in a white dentist’s uniform and hyper-red lips. Mr. Jay observes that Joanie “almost stole show when really Renee needs to pop in these shots.” When Mr. Jay seems unhappy, Renee says “The judges told me I need to ugly it up.” “Well your pictures are not pretty, trust me,” he snaps.
Lastly, Dionne does not seem happy when she finds out she will be playing everyone’s favorite lesbian from Cycle 5, Kim, doing the infamous “kiss in the limo.” ”Hold up, I ain’t no [bleeping] lesbo!” After watching the video, Dionne says it will be challenge because Kim is “kid of boyish, kind of dorky.” Out comes Kim, going, “Boyish and dorky, huh?” “I don’t even kiss my own damn boyfriend,” Dionne protests, fretting over having to the girl-on-girl shoot. But after a shaky start in the limo, Dionne proceeds, then interrupts in the middle of the session. What’s the matter? Is homophobia finally getting the best of Dionne? Nope. “I’m actually enjoying this!” Dionne cries out, adding later that she had “no idea why I was this excited being close to a girl like that.” Woooo! The whole set erupts in laughter. “What are you doing to these girls?” Jay asks, but Kim looks just as shocked as anyone else! Aw yeah, it’s a classic Kim conversion; I think someone’s earned herself a new toaster!
Back at home: elimination TyraMail arrives causing anxiety. Whitney’s worried after having been in the bottom two a couple of times in a row now. Jael suspects that the judges don’t “get” her complicated personality. Jaslene frets that she will be the girl that starts off well but then “starts falling, that would hurt my heart,” she wails.
A Beautiful Mind
No Tyra picture this week, it’s straight to business. Our judges Nigel Barker, J. Alexander (and his many, ever-increasing ruffles), Twiggy, and La TyTy herself are joined by Matthew Jordan Smith.
Whitney is the first girl up for evaluation (Tyra is still referring to her as Whitelle, which Whitney must find extremely annoying). The panel will be looking at their Top Model Moment photos, rendered in “comic style” in this case, her picture with Shannon bears a dialogue balloon of Shannon saying “If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything!” Unfortunately, the judges aren’t falling for Whitney’s charm, which shines in person, but does not on film. Nigel doesn’t see any emotion, Twiggy finds it dead, Matthew says he didn’t see the energy or personality he sees now on set yesterday “at all.” My thought balloon, is going “Yeeouch!”
Brittany’s happy to be weaveless, and the judges are too. They love her triplet pic with Amanda and Michelle, which bears the caption, “Good things always come in threes!” Nigel raves, “You look gorgeous in between those two girls and those two girls both photograph extremely well, so for you to stand between the two of them and actually shine is really impressive.” Twiggy loves her “contact with the lens” and thinks she “jumps off the page.” Tyra says one of the twin’s best qualities was an awkward quality they possessed that works in the fashion world; she likes the way Brittany “posed to match their awkwardness.”
In her photo, Jaslene is saying to Bre, “I didn’t steal your granola bar, BEE-YOTCH!” It gets a lukewarm reception from the panel, with Nigel advising her to soften her body, and Tyra saying she doesn’t see Jaslene getting stronger in the competition, but instead getting weaker. Tyra thinks she needs to find her “footing” between too strong and too boring.
Natasha’s pic says, “I make flesh eating bacteria look FIERCE!” And yes, she actually does! “Considering you’re covered in horrendous blemishes, you look extraordinary,” Twiggy comments. Nigel says he thinks she’s really learning how to be a model, and it shows in her pictures. Tyra appreciates the fact that every time Natasha gets a note, she corrects the problem, e.g. it helped a lot that she relaxed her mouth after Tyra mentioned it was too puckery. Now she has “75% more pictures to choose from.” Matthew commended her for coming out for the photo shoot with energy despite feeling down the morning she came in.
After Tyra tells Dionne that she looks “dumpy” today, they look at her photo with Super Sappho Miss Kim. Dionne admits she was “scared.” “Why were you skurred?” Miss J. asks. Dionne says it’s because she only puts her lips on men. Oh that’s right, I forgot Miss Wholahay would rather lock lips with some old man than a beautiful young girl LOL! “You skurred cuz you knew you would like it,” Miss J. taunts. Her pic bears Kim’s battlecry, “One down, Eleven to go!” Twiggy says considering she felt uncomfortable “it’s a fabulous picture.” Matthew says Dionne, “came out and…became my favorite girl of the day.”
Jael’s best shot says, “I guess I am drop dead gorgeous!” Tyra, however, disagrees, criticizing Jael for not letting go enough to look “faint-y.” Nigel thinks that Jael’s tendency is to be “robotic” in her movements; he then executes a pretty decent imitation of Jael’s sometimes spastic physicality. Jael then goes off into a long, unintelligible excuse which leaves the judges looking bemused.
Renee thanks Tyra for the opportunity to see her family. Her picture has Joanie leaning over to say, “It hurts—Don’t it?” Twiggy says that even though she’s frowning in the picture, she still looks pretty. Renee tries to pull a Nata, by pointing out that she acted on a note she received in judging. She mentions that panel told her to “ugly it up” so she tried not to worry about her face. It doesn’t quite work, Tyra replies, “Not so ugly.” The panel then critiques Renee’s personal presentation, saying her hair and make up need to be toned down as it is making her look older.
Deliberation is mostly an echo of the criticism and praise the girls received earlier, then it’s off to present the returning girls with their photos. Coming back for sure are Dionne, Natasha, Brittany, Renee, and Jaslene. Whitney unfortunately achieves a threepeat of her appearance in the Bottom Two and is joined by Jael. They hold on to each other for the final verdict, and Tyra says they should “hold on to each other for dear life because you each have what the other person needs.” It’s simple: Whitney’s personality shines in person, but not on film; Jael looks great in a picture, but is not coming off as articulate in real life.
Ultimately, Jael gets to stay. Tyra asks her to say something to prove that they aren’t making a mistake in keeping her. Jael says, “I will definitely prove myself to be all that you believe I am.”
Whitney hugs Tyra and promises “this isn’t the last.” Whitney seems stunned; she didn’t think that she was going to be eliminated today. She’s disappointed she’s not going to be America’s Next Top Model, even though she admits “It’s becoming evident to me that maybe modeling isn’t exactly the avenue I need to be going down.” She will continue to strive, however, especially after receiving encouragement from Tyra. So the last hope for a Plus Size Top Model walks away, proving that brains really don’t make the model. Go back to school, girl, and have Tyra write your letter of rec!
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