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Thread: ANTM8 Ep. 3 Recap: High School Daze

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    ANTM8 Ep. 3 Recap: High School Daze

    Whether it’s the fear of snakes, spiders, heights, clowns, being underwater or naked in public, Tyra has a strange and uncanny way of tapping into people’s deepest, darkest fears. Well, welcome to my private hell: this week, Tyra brings us all back to high school. To be fair, some of you might actually have fond memories of that time and place in your life (or maybe you’re still there, bless your heart, and having an awesome time) but personally my high school experience was more Heathers than She’s All That, hence, I don’t exactly relish reliving it. Anyway way, I guess we best bring it on, since it’s already been broughten! Another reason to stick around: wardrobe malfunctions in the presence of a large group of teenaged boys causing what might be the first mass hormonal surge recorded at a single televised event in history.

    Top of the World, Ma

    After the first official judging, Jaslene is jazzed to have been called up first by La TyTy. Soon after they arrive home, she is in the phone room, on the horn to her mom, flying high on the “positive feedback” she received from panel. “I’m fierce, I’m here for a reason…When I’m in my own zone and I’m focused, that’s when I perform the best.”

    Meanwhile, Samantha, self-proclaimed simple “Country Girl” marvels over how “crazy” her fellow housemates are. As if to illustrate, Jael and Whitney are engaged in what looks like some alien greeting to beings from the planet Zorzak—that is, they are babbling senselessly and flailing their arms as they bump tummies (it also reminds me of the odd things Sims characters used to do when you left them alone to long).

    Samantha acknowledges that she is having trouble fitting in, so she pretty much keeps to herself, or writes in a notebook when she wants to express herself. Occasionally, she calls home for a comforting voice; we see her weep as she tells her daddy how much she misses “y’all” back home. It’s pretty clear that Samantha is either experiencing classic culture shock or is beginning to exhibit some of the classic signs of a future serial murderer (loner, trouble expressing self to others, “She was so quiet!”). Aw, I know, Samantha’s so sweet, it’s probably just culture shock—unless she starts mutilating small animals, then I’d watch out for her to be on the cover of a magazine as a female Ed Gein than as the CoverGirl she hopes. Always watch out for the quiet ones!

    TyraMail that night says, “Babies learn how to do it, can you?” Projectile puking? Oh wait, no, I’m confusing this show with the new CW Pussycat Dolls’ series (which, by the way, is brought to you by some of the same folks who bring you ANTM—I love you, Ken Mok, you are the soul of quality reality television!). As the girls correctly assume, Tyra’s talkin’ ‘bout walkin’. It’s the first “step” for every model, stupid pun intended, walkka walkka! [dodges tomato]

    This One Time…At Band Camp…

    The next morning, the girls wonder what they are doing on an athletic field at a local high school. Before long, a marching band comes streaming out onto the field, headed by a sinewy, baton-twirling Miss J. Alexander in full marching band regalia (replete with crazy plumed marching band headgear that makes him look like a proud thoroughbred trotting at a horse show). When they finally come to s stop, Miss J. heralds the band as an exemplar of “timing, precision, and choreography” which are all qualities our girls need on the runway. Miss J. then instructs them to get changed “It’s time for class.”

    When the girls reconvene on the field, donning in their uniform of prim polo shirt, preppy sun visor, navy shorts, and navy high heels, they find they’re not the only ones who’ve changed for class. Miss J. is doing her best vintage, “Hit Me, Baby, One More Time”-era Spears’ Schoolgirl (you remember, the last time Britney was actually cute, pre-shaved head/rehab crackup). She seems to love hopping around in her pleated, plaid skirt, hair in girly plaits accented with a matching plaid headband—but don’t be fooled! Miss J. is no shy schoolgirl, she is still one stern teacher, and pulls no punches evaluating our finalists’ walks.

    Miss J. says Felicia, for example, looks like she’s “walking with two bags of groceries” with her arms stiffly out at her sides. Samantha has paralyzed right-arm syndrome. When he tells Natasha that he can’t tell if she’s “marching or walking” she mistakenly assumes that he says she walks “like a martian” which she strangely interprets as “I’m doing great.” I want sooo badly to make an illegal alien joke, then I remember she got her green card marrying Mr. Methuselah. Renee walks too much on her heels. When Miss J. gives Jaslene the advice of taking longer steps, Jaslene says it’s “helpful” but “this is who I am, I know I stand out when I walk.” Renee laughs and seems overly pleased that “Little Miss Cha Cha Diva didn’t get all the praise she was expecting.”

    Does Not Play Well with Others

    Suddenly, overhead eight planes fly by in a perfectly symmetrical formation. J. holds that up as an example of timing and precision in a group. As a model, he says, you may have to work in groups, doubles, triples or more: por ejemplo, a vintage clip of a Michael Kors show displays Tyra and Beverly Peele strolling along in perfect synchronization. It’s all about coordination with your fellow models.

    Miss J. wants the girls in groups of three to walk in a formation that has one girl (let’s call her Girl A) stop in the middle while the two outermost girls (Girls B and C) walk ahead and cross in front of Girl A. When Girls A and B start walking back, Girl A then completes her walk by going straight ahead, then back, in a straight line. Some of the girls are confused, because even though it’s a simple formation, describing it is still confusing—like Ikea furniture instructions. Add a language barrier, like Natasha (our Martian, whose head is definitely in “outer space”), and you’ve got an accident waiting to happen.

    First group up consists of Felicia, Whitney, and Renee. Felicia makes the first gaffe, stopping as if she was Girl A instead of proceeding to cross in front with Renee. Renee brags “I feel I did really good, I don’t know about my team.” So much for team spirit…and proper grammar.

    Sarah, walking with Natasha and Jael, talks about how she finds it “easier to walk in heels because you have more elegance.” Of course she ends up being the girl who ends up wobbling at the end of the runway (well, in this case, track) and losing a shoe. She recovers rather clumsily by hopping back into her stiletto at the end of the runway. All the elegance of an elephant with the palsy.

    Brittany, Cassandra, and Diana’s formation is honestly a big ol’ mess. Jaslene is the one laughing this time, saying that “when these girls walk, it’s so funny to me.” Finally it’s Jaslene’s turn as Girl A, with Samantha and Dionne at her sides, and you can tell she feels, as she herself says, that “I’m the best once I get out there.”

    Prom Queens and Drama Queens

    Class is finally over, but not without heading to the gym for one final exam. Inside they meet Roy Campbell, whom you might recall from past episodes as the always slickly-attired fashion show producer and close personal friend of Tyra’s (Okay, who on this show is not, am I right? I’ll even bet the teamsters are people she maybe played dodgeball with or went to her church). He shares the exciting news that the girls’ challenge will be a live fashion show, in that very gym, before an audience of red-blooded American high school students, with the theme of…

    Miss J. bursts out from beneath a balloon arch and glittery streamers in a bright blue satin Zum Zum monstrosity of ribbons, ruffles, and voluminous rows that can mean only one thing: PROM! The girls will model dresses in three categories: Modern Contemporary, The Eighties, and Ghetto Fabulous. What, no Girl-Whose-Dress-Was-Handmade-By-Her-Date-Who-Happens-To-Be-Her-Gay-Best-Friend category? [ The One to Which Snowy Belonged] Miss J. adds that the winner of this challenge will win a “really big prize” so he wants them to give their fiercest.

    The girls get made up and dressed. Before the show, Natasha takes it upon herself to tell Jael how to walk. Even Little Miss Sunshine Jael gets testy at Natasha’s nerve, telling Natasha to just make sure not to step on her dress. “Huh?” Natasha asks, ever clueless.

    Roy comes out to a roaring crowd of high school students and faculty who have filled up the gym. If they’re anything like me, they are probably just excited to get the period off—and an ANTM runway show is way cooler than any Anti-Drug presentation with education skit comedy I ever attended.

    Backstage, Renee watches on seethingly as Jaslene talks to the members in her group on how their formation works. Renee finds Jaslene “full of herself,” and glares like Stephen King’s Carrie, trying to lock the doors of a burning gym on a crowd of screaming students with her mind. What’s your damage, Renee, you’re not even Jaslene’s group? Cassandra does, however, ask if Jaslene practiced walking on the outside; the answer is no, but Jaslene says confidently, “I know I can do it” and believe she has her “signature walk down pat.”

    Roy finally announces “It’s prom time!” and the first group of Modern Contemporary comes down the catwalk: Jael (in a gold strapless gown), Sarah (in a black halter), and Natasha (in a baby blue sheath). No major collisions, and the standout for Roy in this group was Sarah, due to her “great form.” Renee (royal blue assymetrical), Dionne (mint green plunge neckline), and Cassandra (iridescent orange/pink princess gown) are next; Renee admits she “a little bit nervous” but is working hard to be her fiercest, since she wants to stand out this challenge. Samantha (neon green cha cha), Felicia (one-shouldered burgundy), and Whitney (emerald green empire) follow soon after in their ruffles, with no major incident. Brittany (glitter blue halter), Diana (sea foam chiffon), and Jaslene (hot pink with rhinestones) come out; Jaslene says she gets an “adrenaline rush.”

    It’s not an adrenalin, but a little bit of vomit rising in the back of my throat when I see the next category: The Eighties. As music that is just a few notes off from being sue-able by Gary Newman (“Cars”), Natasha, Jael, and Sarah come out in John Hughes-era puffy sleeves, shoulder pads, and of course “Pretty in Pink” colors. Roy notices that Natasha walked around as if not cognizant of her fellow models, not following the planned routine. But zees ees how we do on glorious Martian planet!”

    Felicia, Whitney, and Samantha are also in hideous 1980s wear. I’m sorry, this is one retro look for which I am not onboard; I am having bad flashbacks to a childhood of bad home perms and jelly shoes that cut into my feet! But I digress, Roy likes Samantha’s look, but wishes she had “more attitude.” Cassandra, Renee, and Dionne are the bubble skirt and crinoline group; Roy thought Renee was “bland or average in terms of standing out from the other girls, but she connected with the audience.” Maybe because Renee’s maturity level is on a par with high schoolers! Ohmigod, she’d totally write something nasty behind your back in a slam book! Diana, Jaslene, and Brittany round out the 80’s group in yet more ruffles that look like someone stole the bedskirts from your grandma’s house and made them into a ballgown.

    Roy instructs the crowd to “holla for ghetto!” The crowd did not need encouragement, thankyouverymuch, thanks to Sarah’s completely exposing her breasteses, much to the delight of the proliferation of pubescent teenaged males in attendance. Sarah, Natasha, and Jael come out wearing the Lil Kim Prom Collection from Kmart, and the low neckline on Sarah’s dress opens up to expose Sarah’s dirty pillows. Yup, the pixilation pixies return, sprinkling their magical pixel dust over Sarah’s chest! But seriously, folks, if boobies that little are popping out, then that dress is just way too dang tight.

    Sarah doesn’t bother to cover up much, however, her logic being, “I’m not going to let something like that ruin my runway walk.” It might not have ruined her walk, but it did destroy the innocence of countless teens in attendance—not to mention the trust of their parents in the CW network. Come on, I thought the “C” in CW stood for “classy”! At any rate, I haven’t seen a wardrobe malfunction that shocking, or hilarious, since Miss Jackson’s much-ballyhooed Super Bowl Nip Slip.

    Well, there’s a tough act to follow, nevertheless, Whitney, Samantha, and Felicia trudge on. I love Whitney’s ghetto-fabulous walk in her cream satin hoochie dress. Samantha thinks her “should be burned” although it’s the tamest one in the group. Felicia works her fuchsia number with a fury, but she and Whitney accidentally get into a game of runway “bumper cars.” Roy notes the girls “crashing into each other, missing their routines, missing their marks” with great disapproval.

    When Jaslene, Brittany, and Diana come out, Roy is pleased with Brittany, saying she has a “very strong runway look, and she really gets the catwalk.” There’s another collision, this time between Jaslene and Diana. Roy notes that Jaslene was the one who didn’t understand the choreography, nor seemed to care where the other models were.

    Finally, Dionne, Cassandra and Renee are up, rounding off the category of “Dresses Your Mama Will Not Approve You Wearing Out the House,” a.k.a. Ghetto Fabulous. Renee works extra hard to drum up enthusiasm from the audience, including a little lip bite at the end of the runway that you know she’s thinking will put her over the top. There’s yet another near-accident on the runway, that Renee attributes to the other girls’ “lack of experience.”

    Roy critiques the girls post-show, mentioning the “car wrecks” onstage. Natasha was “not always cognizant of where the other girls were on the runway.” Natasha is probably thinking in Russian, What eez these wurd “cognizant”? Proobably he mean I am most beautiful gurl in country! I look like martian! Samantha did not have enough “hip hop” or “swagger” in her Ghetto Fabulous walk. Roy then asks Sarah what she was thinking when her dress opened up. He mentioned that they were at a high school, it would not have hurt her to cover herself up once that happened. All of sudden, Miss Experience acts cutesy-oopsy, and says, “Oh I didn’t know.” In all your years of professional modeling and photography, Sarah, you actually have an experience for which you weren’t prepared? [Snowy faints}

    Renee is all smirks when Roy addresses her, looking sure that he is going to praise her for being the best. Roy instead says that she was ”lost in the shuffle” and “lagged behind the choreography.” Her expression is the very definition of crestfallen. She say later that she doesn’t care because she knows “the crowd was loving me.” Believe what you want, Renee, but I’m willing to wager that the male contingent of the crowd was probably loving Sarah a bit more.

    Roy heaps the good words on Brittany, whom he says had the “best stage presence” and he also commended her for always being able to “catch up” with the choreography no matter what mistakes were made. Jaslene is shocked to hear that Roy thought she made the most mistakes on the runway; Renee looks on with an inordinate amount of relish as Roy chastens Jaslene for her gaffes on the catwalk.

    Roy declares the winner to be a surprised Brittany (although no one seems more surprised than Renee). She is even more surprised when she finally sees what the “really big prize” is: a “ridonculously huge” (according to Sarah, and the description couldn’t be more accurate), ugly, gold trophy with a gilded stiletto shoe on top. And when I say gilded, I don’t mean dipped in 24k gold, this baby is spray painted. Um, thanks…I think? Wow, how downhill has ANTM gotten? You know, other girls have gotten diamond jewelry or at least spa treatments. I hope they at least pay for shipping for that sucker.

    Mean Girls

    Meanwhile, back at the house, Brittany is proud she won. She lugs her giganimous trophy back to her room; I worry she will get a hernia carrying that thing. Renee, makebate that she is, asks Jaslene how she felt about Roy’s critique. Jaslene seems rather offended that Roy tried to “make it seem like I was the worst one, I felt so confident out there.” Renee’s opinion of Jaslene is that she is “very self-centered, very cocky, but at the same time, she is very insecure.” What a coincidence, Renee, because oddly that is exactly the way I feel about you, except I would add “raging, two-faced bitch whore from hell” to that sentence.

    Tension in the house is mounting, and people are feeling it. Felicia and Whitney discuss this, and Jaslene overhears them chattering that “She’s probably mad that Brittany got that trophy,” and “If she is mad about that trophy, Brittany deserved it.” Girls, girls, girls, I’m disappointed in you. It looks like they are taking the High School theme of this episode too far, and acting like they’re the Plastics of North Shore High.

    Jaslene won’t stand for hearing this talk behind behind her back, so she confronts Felicia, interrupting her little tête-à-tête with Whitney to say, “Speak for yourself, darling.” “About what situation?” Felicia replies, defensively. “You, by coming in here and talking about all that smack.” They have an angry exchange of words that ends in cold animosity.

    You can it’s all starting to get to Jaslene. Later, in the phone room, which is glass on all sides so there is unfortunately no privacy, Jaslene tells her mom that she feels like “everybody’s ganging up on me.” She cries over how the girls seem like they’re trying to bring her down; her mom says, “You’re not being strong enough.” Jaslene says she has been, but “Can I at least cry to you? I don’t have nobody out here.”

    Outside, Renee asks the girls if they know why Jaslene is crying. Like she doesn’t effing know! Some of the other, nicer girls feel bad, even saying, “Oh I don’t want her to cry.” Renee comments on how Jaslene’s “front” is “starting to crumble” and looks far too pleased at another’s misery, a grin on Renee’s face like the cat that ate the canary. She savors the moment along with her cigarette, remarking imperiously, “I told you guys…everyone’s like we’re all best friends, we’re not going to be fighting in this house…I was like wait until after the first elimination is over.” As flames from the outside fireplace rise up behind her and flicker in the quickening dusk, it’s becoming clear: Renee is the devil.

    Model Students

    Natasha reads the newest TyraMail in her halting Russian accent, in a way that makes all the girls look like “What in the hell is Ija de Putin saying here?” What it actually said was “I’m so glad we’re B.F.F.’s. Good luck in all you do and don’t forget to K.I.T. Love, Tyra.” The next day, the girls reappear at the High School and in the gym they meet Mr. Jay Manuel, who informs that the shoot today will have each girl acting out “High School Clichés.”

    Renee will be playing the Class Clown; Whitney, the Mean Girl; Jael, the Bookworm; Felicia, the jock; Cassandra, the cheerleader; Jaslene, the Weirdo; Diana, the Student Body President; Brittany, the Valedictorian; Dionne, the Bad Girl; Natasha, the Teacher’s Pet (which doesn’t seem to understand); Sarah, the Class Flirt; and last but not least, Samantha plays the Girl with the Bad Reputation. Which High School Stereotype were you? As for myself, I can’t believe they don’t have Drama Nerd, Art Geek, or at least Goth up there, the closest I come is a cross between the Bookworm and the Weirdo.

    We meet Hallie Bowman, the Herbal Essences Professional Stylist who is here today to make up the girls and also hawk some hair stuff. Woooo! They get ready and show us lots and lots of Herbal Essences products. Jael is elated to have gotten the assignment of the Nerd. She loves her outfit, which is something she says she’d actually wear in real life. She totally plays up the part, having way too much fun in her multi-colored ensemble that looks like a fun, Fruits version of a geek more than your standard Revenge of the Nerds look—although you can’t have nerd without Poindexter spectacles!

    Sarah as the Class Flirt, wears a tiny cropped polo, low rise jeans, and a crazy belly chain. Even she admits that she has a tendency to overthink her poses, but that’s probably because—sing it with me, people—SHE’S ALSO A PHOTOGRAPHER. Every time I hear this fact stated, I get a little closer to madness. Dionne says she’s not a Bad Girl, but “I’m good with seducing people.” The photographer seems to enjoy her leg-up, leaning back on the teacher’s desk pose a lot. Cassandra is the “reluctant” Cheerleader, less Bring It On than “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” Jay finds her shots “a little dull.”

    Renee is “pissed” that she got Class Clown. To be fair, you would be too if you had to wear the fugly green circus strip bodysuit she had to; but yes, it’s funny as hell that Renee has her knickers in a bunch at being assigned something at which she doesn’t feel she’d be good. When Renee has trouble being goofy, Mr. Jay asks Jael to tell her how it’s done. Renee looks even more pissed, and hates that Jael and Sarah are sitting in on her shoot because “I wish they would have asked me first.” In real fashion shoots, few models get to choose who’s around the set watching you when you work; people will always mill around. Who’s Miss Cha Cha Diva now? Jay thinks Renee was “painful to watch” and “didn’t have the best range of expression.”

    Samantha unfortunately does give a damn ‘bout her Bad Reputation. She says regretfully, “Last week I was lesbian, now I’m a ho.” That’s Tyra’s magic, empowering the young girls! Mr. Jay gives Samantha instructions that she can’t seem to relate to at all. He tells her not to think about her boyfriend, but :the other one.” Samantha breaks out of character protesting that “there is no other one.” Mr. Jay also tells her that she can put her hand on her inner thigh, “Pretend you’re totally alone and you’re [CENSORED!].” Hello, this is good clean family programming here! Let’s just say he was referring to the fine art of “Self Whoopie.” Samantha, poor innocent country girl that she is, looks totally appalled. “Everybody does it,” Mr. Jay says with a dismissive wave of his hand.

    Guess who’s crying on the sidelines? Renee, ever the hysteric, is literally in tears as she watches Samantha (Just checking, Renee, did you ask Samanth first if you could watch during her shoot?). Renee is blubbering over how much better she feels she could have done if she had only been given Samantha’s assignment, boo frackin’ hoo.

    Brittany is emerging as one to watch in the competition. Mr. Jay is all praise for her, saying she actually looks like a model, knows how to move, and carry off the clothing. Renee is again shown in a clip, watching on with jealousy bristling under the surface. Whitney says she’s not a Mean Girl but admits she knew what it was like to “whisper about others and not be so nice all the time.” Like how you and Felicia were doing to Jaslene the night before? Mr. Jay reminds Whitney that Mean Girls don’t scowl all the time, in fact they’re very fake. He then does an excellent Mean Girl impression himself, going, “Oh I love you…bitch,” with the perfect change of expression at the end. He feels Whitney “could have gone further” with the role than she did.

    Diana wanted her Class President to be sexy and confident; she seems to do fairly well. After her is Felicia, who gets to be active as The Jock. She leaps in the air with great grace, and Mr. Jay commends her for knowing “how to create dynamic body shapes.” She also looks great, and I’m finally starting to see the Baby Tyra people are talking about. It helps that the make up artists have corrected the weird, spermatozoa-like eye brow shaping she had that was bugging me.

    Backstage, Sutan and crew have basically transformed Jaslene into…a little Sutan from High School! I totally would have been friends with someone like Sutan back in the day. We’d do each other’s make up and make mix tapes for each other with The Cure, Morrissey, and Siouxsie and the Banshees on them! “That was the look, yep, that was me,” he says of Jaslene’s Weirdo, decked out in a heavy army surplus coat, big hat with ear flaps, pierced nose and dark eye make up that screams Angsty Teen Malcontent. She poses under the bleachers with perfect Freaks and Geeks attitude. Mr. Jay is ever so pleased, saying, “I love it, we’re not even at frame 20 and I’m done with you already.” Jaslene says “As ugly as I looked, I still rocked it.” Mr. Jay says she hasn’t given one bad shot all day. Renee is still crying her eyes out, whining about how Jaslene “always gets the fierce thing, if I had those looks then I would have done really good, I would have got really good and I’d be more confident.” What’s that I hear? The world’s tiniest violin playing the world’s saddest song for the world’s biggest hypocritical beeyatch.

    Natasha is oblivious as always. What ees teacher’s pet? We don’t have thees in Russia. I play like poisoned ex-KGB agent instead, yes? Is more normal. She does not understand any of Jay’s directions at all, and a frustrated Jay says nothing is working “why don’t you just imitate what you see in the magazines.” She sucks but she believes it’s because “I don’t talk like English, I don’t know basic words.” Blaming the language barrier is actually not much of an excuse because models often have to work with many different people from many different countries. It’s not that she doesn’t understand the language so much as she doesn’t seem to understand modeling. When she turns around, crying, after saying,”I feel like I’m failing,” I do feel genuinely feel bad for her, however.

    Renee at home is smoking (yet again) and complaining (yet again). She’s still crabbing about getting a raw deal in terms of assignments. She gets even testier after Jaslene tries giving her some advice. A jealous Renee complains that Jaslene gets “all the cool photo shoots…I got it, I can show you fierce, I can show you angry, I can show you sexy.” Okay, I agree, at least on the angry part. She’s got that down pat.

    Apropos of nothing Jael is running around the house in a long black wig, half naked (the Tara Reid half, not the Britney half). She reads out the latest TyraMail, which announces the upcoming elimination. Samantha looks at Jael’s antics disapprovingly, saying there is a time and a place to be loud and crazy. Samantha honey, you are on a reality TV show…it is that time and place, otherwise kiss your air time goodbye.

    Country Crock

    Tyra’s picture this week has her in one of those strange, furry, off-the-shoulder things I could never understand girls wearing in their senior pictures. In the judging room, Tyra compliments the girls on looking smashing at a stage in the competition when most of the girls still tend to look a little “broke down.” Hey, I’m just waiting for makeover time, Tyra.

    After doing the prize package blah blah and introducing the judges (Nigel Barker, J. Alexander—whose motif this cycle is a ruffle for every girl gone, and Twiggy, accompanied this week by Roy Campbell), it’s evaluation time.

    They love Sarah’s Flirt photo, although Twiggy thinks it’s a little too on the sexy side of that “fine line between fashion and men’s magazines.” Tyra reads Jay’s notes on Sarah, that her posing is too studied and she doesn’t hold poses long enough. But shouldn’t she know what she’s doing considering all her experience with modeling and photography?!! [Snowy topples over into madness]

    Cassandra’s Cheerleader is great in the long shot, but her face is “dead”; Diana’s Class President has “good body language” and she “controls” the picture; Dionne’s Bad girl is seen as “beautiful”; Brittany (who gets congrats for being the challenge winner too) has a hit with her “superb” Valedictorian pic, the judges saying “nailed it”; Samantha’s Bad Reputation pic is “not trampy enough” and Tyra demonstrates the fine art of “looking like a ho but making it fashion.” Young girls take note! Again, Tyra edumacates the young folks on the issues that count.

    Felicia’s Jock picture is truly “outstanding,” graceful action frozen in time. I finally see why the judges have kept her in the competition; Roy rightfully says, “You should be proud of yourself.” Tyra thinks Felicia’s dance background has given her the valuable skill of being able to do things like jump but still keep the face pretty.

    Jael’s Nerd elicits laughter from the panel, but in a good way. They are pleased with her body language, eyes, and Tyra likes that it’s “nerdy but fashion.” An incredulous Jael asks, “You like my photo?” in an ANTM twist on the old “You like me? You really like me?”

    Jaslene’s Weirdo is a winner. Miss J. finds it “fabulous”; Roy says he can
    “see it in a magazine, right now.” Miss J. then warns “all the girls in house, look out, y’all better get it together.” Jaslene then mentions that the girls are already on her, and are talking about her and being phony. She says the happiest she feels is right now, in front of panel. In the background, Renee is snickering, Whitney looks guilty, and Felicia looks like OMGWTFBBQ. Roy says the reality of the business is that people will kiss you on the cheek then stab you in the back; Nigel says she needs to develop a thicker skin. In short, don’t let the haters get you down.

    Whitney’s Mean Girl is slightly stronger in the face than the long shot, she needs to work on body language. Tyra didn’t like her range; when Whitney offers that it was hard for her to give range since she had a mark to hit, Tyra says she just did a photo shoot for Vanity Fair where the photographer told her not to move and she still gave variety, “so you can’t use the mark as an excuse.” Oh snap!

    The panel actually likes Renee’s Class Clown, her energy and commitment to the shot; Tyra still warns for her to “watch the face” because she has the potential to “ruin a lot of pretty by not being cognizant of the face.” In short, good not great. Natasha’s Teacher’s Pet doesn’t do much for the panel; Tyra advises her to relax her mouth, since a common beginner’s mistake is to push the lips out to look sexy. Then Tyra says Jay’s note for her was that this shoot was the hardest he’s ever had to direct in the history of the show and she’s “worse than Ann from Top Model Cycle 3.” Ooh, burn! “I remember Ann,” Natasha says, smiling, “she was one of the most beautiful girls.” The panel laughs over how she managed to spin that puppy around faster than public relations for the Bush Administration. Ahahaha…funny but ultimately very, very sad.

    Deliberations reveal the panel to be split on a number of girls, but mainly echo the comments in the earlier evaluations. Tyra then calls out the girls and gives out photos, again starting with Jaslene first. Jaslene is followed by Felicia, Diana, Renee, Brittany, Cassandra, Dionne, Jael, Whitney, and Sarah. This leaves the two fish-out-of-waters, Samantha and Natasha in the bottom two. Tyra says they have two of the strongest faces, but each has their own problems: Samantha takes great pictures but her personality is lacking and she’s maybe not ready for the business yet, Natasha has a gorgeous face, but can’t seem to translate that into a photo.

    So sweet, unspoiled Samantha goes back to the country from whence she came. Tyra says the panel saw a "story” in Natasha that they didn't in Samantha—translation: no potential drama! What a crock. A teary eyed Samantha goes to pack her bags, maintaining that she’s a simple girl, not wild and crazy, but that’s just the way she was raised. If there’s one plus to being eliminated, it’s that she can now return home to her family; a family I’m sure is proud out the way their little girl turned out (i.e. no pixilation shots for their darling daughter).

    OMG we had, like, totally the best time 2getha. L.Y.L.A.S. Have a great summer. K.I.T. Stay sweet! ~XOXO~ snowflakegirl@fansofrealitytv. com
    Last edited by SnowflakeGirl; 03-15-2007 at 08:37 PM.
    Sending good vibes and warm fuzzies your way..., SnowflakeGirl
    All New AMERICA'S TOP MODEL Recaps! Premiere Pt. 1 & Pt. 2, Ep. 3, Ep. 4, Dinah's Dynamite Ep. 5, Ep. 6, Ep. 7, Ep. 8, Ep. 9, Ep. 10, Ep. 11, Finale
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  2. #2
    Jenah! hi_guy18's Avatar
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    OMGWTFBBQ? like BBQ as barbeque?

  3. #3
    Thinking femme fatale's Avatar
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    What high school stereotype was I? Of the chosen once probably book worm combined with weirdo - however not the clothing for either, jsut personality wise.

    Or the politically (not school politics though) activist with many gay friends. How come THAT isn't a stereotype.

    Great recap Snowy!

  4. #4
    Endlessly ShrinkingViolet's Avatar
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    Terrific recap, Snowy! Too many quotables, but here are a few of my favorites:

    Another reason to stick around: wardrobe malfunctions in the presence of a large group of teenaged boys causing what might be the first mass hormonal surge recorded at a single televised event in history.

    TyraMail that night says, “Babies learn how to do it, can you?” Projectile puking? Oh wait, no, I’m confusing this show with the new CW Pussycat Dolls’ series

    This One Time…At Band Camp…

    Miss J. is doing her best vintage, “Hit Me, Baby, One More Time”-era Spears’ Schoolgirl (you remember, the last time Britney was actually cute, pre-shaved head/rehab crackup).

    I want sooo badly to make an illegal alien joke, then I remember she got her green card marrying Mr. Methuselah.

    Does Not Play Well with Others

    Some of the girls are confused, because even though it’s a simple formation, describing it is still confusing—like Ikea furniture instructions.

    All the elegance of an elephant with the palsy.

    If they’re anything like me, they are probably just excited to get the period off—and an ANTM runway show is way cooler than any Anti-Drug presentation with education skit comedy I ever attended.

    Renee finds Jaslene “full of herself,” and glares like Stephen King’s Carrie, trying to lock the doors of a burning gym on a crowd of screaming students with her mind.

    But zees ees how we do on glorious Martian planet!”

    Sarah, Natasha, and Jael come out wearing the Lil Kim Prom Collection from Kmart, and the low neckline on Sarah’s dress opens up to expose Sarah’s dirty pillows.

    Come on, I thought the “C” in CW stood for “classy”!

    What eez these wurd “cognizant”? Proobably he mean I am most beautiful gurl in country! I look like martian!


    It looks like they are taking the High School theme of this episode too far, and acting like they’re the Plastics of North Shore High.

    As flames from the outside fireplace rise up behind her and flicker in the quickening dusk, it’s becoming clear: Renee is the devil.

    What ees teacher’s pet? We don’t have thees in Russia. I play like poisoned ex-KGB agent instead, yes? Is more normal.

    Young girls take note! Again, Tyra edumacates the young folks on the issues that count.

    The panel laughs over how she managed to spin that puppy around faster than public relations for the Bush Administration.

  5. #5
    SMiLE :] lilally's Avatar
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    lol i loved it. my favorite part was
    She savors the moment along with her cigarette, remarking imperiously, “I told you guys…everyone’s like we’re all best friends, we’re not going to be fighting in this house…I was like wait until after the first elimination is over.” As flames from the outside fireplace rise up behind her and flicker in the quickening dusk, it’s becoming clear: Renee is the devil.
    and also this might be a stupid question but what is a slam book? is it like a yearbook or something of that sort?

  6. #6
    Picture Perfect SnowflakeGirl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by hi_guy18;2272190;
    OMGWTFBBQ? like BBQ as barbeque?
    Well the BBQ part is a bit of nonsense. It's just a joke, a silly little send-up of all the acronyms people use online.

    Quote Originally Posted by lilally;2272217;
    and also this might be a stupid question but what is a slam book? is it like a yearbook or something of that sort?
    Back in my day, way back in the last millenium, in a time when dinosaurs roamed the earth...there were these things called "Slam Books," usually a ringed notebook which was furtively passed around from student to student and people wrote anonymous, usually very nasty, things about others in there. In Mean Girls it's also referred to as a "Burn Book."

    Hope that helps!
    Sending good vibes and warm fuzzies your way..., SnowflakeGirl
    All New AMERICA'S TOP MODEL Recaps! Premiere Pt. 1 & Pt. 2, Ep. 3, Ep. 4, Dinah's Dynamite Ep. 5, Ep. 6, Ep. 7, Ep. 8, Ep. 9, Ep. 10, Ep. 11, Finale
    Relive every beautiful moment of America's Next Top Model...Click here for links to prior season recaps & interviews.

  7. #7
    Jenah! hi_guy18's Avatar
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    oh okay haha. Hey tyra is wearing a bandana or whatever alot, might be her new thing or something :/

  8. #8
    FORT Fogey Quemoni's Avatar
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    I thought OMGWTFBBQ meant I'm shocked, pissed, and now burning mad or I will burn you to a crisp later!

    I likes....and will probably steal it and use it later. That was great...OMGWTFBBQ three emotions all in one.

    Great recap.

  9. #9
    Miss Universe HelenHandbasket's Avatar
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    Snowy, you're freakin' hilarious. Friday is once again a highlight in my week.

  10. #10
    Rylani Rylani's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SnowflakeGirl;2272124;
    Renee is still crying her eyes out, whining about how Jaslene “always gets the fierce thing, if I had those looks then I would have done really good, I would have got really good and I’d be more confident.” What’s that I hear? The world’s tiniest violin playing the world’s saddest song for the world’s biggest hypocritical beeyatch.
    Hilarious Great great recap, this really is your element. Can't wait for mext week's
    Nice to know, impossible to forget

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