Ugh. You know, I don't normally take shots, but it's a good thing I did, because I needed to be good and drunk to deal with what was to come next....
Meet this bitch. You may know her from this season of America's Next Top Model. Apparently she's the roommate of a friend of a friend that I invited. Weirdly, she was the one person besides me dressed in the nerd theme, as her outfit is clearly based on Darryl Hannah's Pris character from Blade Runner.
When I was introduced to her, she turned around to face me and I recoiled. I'd never in my life seen someone so purely intoxicated. Her eyes were leaking out of her skull and her breath stank of gasoline. It was as if she was on every drug. She pulled me close and then shoved a glass bottle of something into my mouth. She then began to dance around the living room with this guy drinking the Mickey's 40's.
What happened when the playlist shuffled to non-dance music? Oh that's okay, she and her bf were dancing anyway. Not to mention calling everyone fat and ugly! She was also seen taking some kind of pills. From the way she behaved, I imagine they were whatever Gary Oldman was taking in The Professional. You know, those weird red pills. You didn't know exactly what they were, just that they were seven kinds of nasty.
Look at this bitch, she is just pinging so hard. This is where things got gross x666.
Danger Sl*t and her bf started to strip down and switch outfits right there in the living room. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem with, you know, humans, but these bitches were too f*cked up to keep from collapsing to the floor over and over like a pair of retarded monkeys. With each layer of clothing she removed, she exposed another layer of stinking sweat, hideous stretch marks and plain awfulness.
I was later told that she removed my Superman figurine from the mantle, dunked its head into a small metal bowl full of cocaine, snorted whatever she could off its awkward shape, licked it, and then offered some to my friend Jonah -- which besides being wholly depraved is also very funny because Jonah is the editor of a comics magazine.
She eventually made her way into my (closed) bedroom, where she found some of my close friends hanging around. She was struggling to get into the closet to take more drugs, but the door was closed so as to protect my cat from the party. The door wasn't locked or anything, she was just too f*cked up to operate the knob mechanism. When my friends told her to knock it off, that there's a cat inside, she continued to bang at the unlocked door and answered, "It's okay, I like cats."
Finally, she and her bf were asked very politely to leave. She responded by calling everyone a bitch, wh0re, sl*t and/or c*nt. When Megan and Stepho asked her again to leave, she exclaimed, "Who do you even know at this party? I know everyone here! Nobody kicks me out of anywhere!" Her big strong boyfriend then stepped up in his blue wig and threatened to kick Stepho's 5'0" ass. He was also calling her something that sounded like "French Sl*t," but I can't be sure because I think he had Down Syndrome. This was where I tried to step in, but Stepho was regulating. She drove both of them out from the bedroom, through the hall and out the front door. The door slammed on the beast's face and she kicked it real hard before stomping down the hallway -- in the wrong direction.
America's Next Top Bitch, this girl was the most disgraceful display of anything I've ever seen. She spent the whole night pinging around like an Australian's nightmare. She was monstrous.
It's okay, the nightmare is now over. Time for some genuinely attractive human females.