My Uncle Gus is a professional gourmet chef. He caters fancy-schmancy Hollywood premieres and stuff like that—believe me, his food is beyond divine—and he just so happens to be hosting our family’s Thanksgiving celebration this year. Why am I telling you all this? Because it means I am in a hurry. It means this is going to be a bodge job. It means this recap will be fast and rough, and not just because that’s how Kim likes her women, but because I have to change into my skirt with the elastic waistband so I can get the hell out of here and onto a piece of prime rib or latched onto a turkey leg, Henry VIII-style, with a quickness.
Crikey! As the show opens we’re still in jolly old Eng-er-land, at the girls’ posh new digs at the Savoy Hotel, where the girls remain stunned at Lisa’s departure. Apparently, the only thing scarier than the barmy old broad’s behavior is that fact that she can be summarily dismissed after having performed so well.
Bre and Kim and are all buddy-buddy again. They’re sitting together, sharing a smoke, laughing, imagining being in the top three together. Kim think’s Bre’s confrontation in the limo is something they can put behind them, and they “care about each other and want to help each other out” and are shiny happy people holding hands, la la la. Poor Kim. So worldly wise when it comes to pleasing the lay-days…and yet so naïve when it comes to friendship. This will end in tears. Bre says, with her special brand of faux-earth mama friendliness, “I told you, God got plans for you.” Mark those words.
TyraMail beseeches them to “Find out the pecking order at 7:00am,” and in the morning they are met by fashion stylist Jason Leung in an outdoor square, who will be taking the girls on a tour of sculptures around London. He tells the girls that models for sculptors must remain still for hours; likewise, in the modeling they do, it is important that they focus for the photographer. The double decker takes them around town to see statues of blokes in codpieces and funny helmets, before they finally stop at Regent Park
In the middle of the park, standing tall, proud, and perfectly still, literally up on a pedestal, is Miss J. in a sort of Olympian pose and what is either a very large tank top or a very tiny dress. Jason tells the girls to observe the way that Miss J. remains undisturbed by their presence, and stays completely focused. Miss J. finally breaks his pose after, what 3, maybe 4 hours, to tell them that the girls’ challenge today will be based on the following factors: “statuesque poses, focus and concentration." Jason will pick the winner, and instead of coyly keeping the prize a secret, he says that the lucky girl will get “a huge shopping spree,” the sound of which seems to leave the girls looking chuffed as nuts.
Of course, how can they act like statues until they’re made up like statues? The girls get the Venice Beach street performer treatment, with metallic, possibly toxic body paint, Greco-Roman-y looking robes, and gold trays (think, scales à la Libra) to use as props. Then it’s up on the pedestal, to put out their “fiercest pose.” The girls reach fierceness of varying degrees.
Clearly, Nicole does the worst. Why Nicole picks a one-legged pose to start with, I have no idea. Before I have to long to think about it, however, Nicole gets the Tippi Hedren/Hitchcock treatment when birds start attacking her from all directions. The birds go after pretty much everyone, but only Nicole has a full-on freak-out about it, screaming, crying, whining and flailing her arms with the sort of balls-out hysteria that only actors in old Godzilla films can match.
Bre laughs and even starts talking as the birds land on her plate. But Nik? The woman is steel, she doesn’t even blink. Kim seems to be doing fairly well until a trio of the critters decide to have a hot pigeon three-way on her head; one pigeon in the midst of the tryst sticks its tail right in her eye as if to invite her to join. As popular as Kim is with the birds, not so with the blokes: Jason thinks she lacked imagination with the poses. He’s also not keen on Jayla who appears to be “concentrating too hard.”
The girls are dismissed to a large trailer where they await word from J. and Jason. In the trailer, Nicole goes one of her horrible, grating whine-a-thons. Nicole’s rant, which hits as many octaves as Mariah Carey can sing, appears to be boring a hole into Bre’s head, into the central nervous system, and bearing straight on the area where Bre’s inner beyatch has been imprisoned all this time. Bre starts to look possessed in a Nicholson-in-the-Shining type of way, as if she’d like to permanently quiet the admittedly insufferable histrionics of Nicole, the overgrown baby with cholic. Bre might want to get in line. Nicole: so pretty, but also pretty bloody annoying.
The girls go out to reunite with Jason and Miss J. Today’s prize is quite possibly the most not cheap and cheesy prize ever in ANTM history. I mean, this one really is a prize to prize: it’s a shopping spree worth $15,000! The winner gets to share her spoils with two friends. Jason bestows upon Nik her first-ever challenge victory, and she selects Bre and Jayla to join her.
The girls return home to the Savoy. All day Nicole has been getting on Bre’s last nerve, as well as starting on the nerves of Bre’s beyatch within—let’s call her Bre-yatch. Like some kind of psychic jackhammer, Nicole’s behavior is drilling away at Bre’s walls of “niceness,” behind which the evil, bitter and twisted Breyatch lays waiting to get her revenge. Nicole doesn’t pick up her clothes around the suite [drilling sound]; Nicole won’t shut up when Bre announces she wants some peace and quiet [drilling continues]; Nicole starts to jump on bed when Bre is in bed trying to get some rest [cracking sound begins]. Bre is like a beleagured a single mom and Nicole her hyperactive brat in need of Nanny 911.
Later TyraMail arrives: “Have you ever felt like you’ve been framed?” Will Tyra set these girls up for some felony crime, Keyser Soze-style? The only photos for this challenge would be the mug shots before their arses are thrown in jail. It’s a possibility, but there is other suspicious activity going on in the area, with recriminations and threats that prove to be far more immediate.
After having gotten groceries that day, Bre finds that someone has opened her box of cereal bars and enjoyed one before she was able to. What’s that loud, deafening explosion? It’s the Breyatch crashing through Bre’s last wall of insincerity, shrieking like a mad harpy out for revenge. “That bitch Nicole has been getting on my nerves all damn day,” Bre whispers to Nicole. “Don’t touch food!” Bre hisses, looking like a crazy hag in her bathrobe, hair sticking out at crazy angles, and no makeup on. NOT a pretty site. Lisa’s Cookie Lady looks more like a Top Model than Bre does at this point.
Then, without any proof whatsoever that Nicole actually was the perpetrator of this oh so heinous pilfering of snack products, self-righteous, loves-to-pass-judgement-on-others’-characters Bre takes it upon herself to sneak into Nicole’s room and steal several cans of her Red Bull to maliciously pour down the sink drain. “I poured out all of Nicole’s sodas,” Bre admits (well, technically, they are energy drinks—I know, because, don’t forget, Red Bull™ and huffing Sharpies™ gives SFG wings!), “I have been disrespected, but this was just too much.”
And she might have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling lesbians! [shakes fist angrily] Kim innocently walks in and, as if sensing mischief in the air, starts to smile and investigate what’s going on with Bre, who oh-so-slyly drops to the floor and attempts to conceal the empty cans under an armchair. Smooooth. Kim, obviously thinking this might be a fun prank, asks Bre what’s she got. Oddly, Bre’s attempt at hiding her misdeed includes wrestling Kim down to the ground, spanking her, and once she has her in some diabolical Brazilian leg hold (or is that a Kama Sutra position) eerily whispers in her huskiest voice, “Do what I ask you to do…Sssh, do what I say.” It’s a creepy command, like something a child molester might say.
Kim still demands answers, and Bre adds not only evil, but lying to her list of descriptors. Bre talks maddening nonsense, like trying to convince Kim she’s the crazy one because her “mind wanders too much,” then claiming she “put Jayla’s dirty socks under Nicole’s bed.” Bre finally admits to pouring Nicole’s drinks out. Nik, who is in the room with the two of them, looks as if she’s trying to will herself into invisibility or perhaps telekinetically transport herself to another place and time. “I don’t really want to be in the drama,” says Nik, “I feel like I have to try and focus on myself. I have enough things to worry about.” Kim decides to try and just get along with Bre as best as she possibly can until one of them is eliminated “and I don’t have to worry about her anymore.”
The next day a Rolls Royce from the world-famous shopping destination Harrods comes to pick Nik, Bre, and Jayla up for their VIP shopping spree. Alone at the Savoy, and having discovered the empty Red Bull cans, Nicole has a breakdown and sobs that “I don’t have the energy to get mad. I just don’t even have the energy to be around these people anymore!” All this lack of energy, blimey, I guess that was what the Red Bull was for.
It also finally dawns on Kim how unfair it was for Bre to pass judgment on her the other week in the limo, basically tearing Kim’s character to shreds. Bre’s high-and-mighty tone of condescension rings especially hollow after her petty behavior last night. It’s almost not fair that at that very same moment, Bre gets to share in Nik’s glamorama $15,000 shopping spree (which is split up with $10,000 going to Nik and $5000 split between Bre and Jayla).
Pretty as a Picture
All the girls reconvene at the Holborn Studios, where they are met by Jay, and his sexy new cleavage. Yes, Jay has boobs! He is tickled pink when Nik tells him his “boobs look fabulous.” And this is the one they call Mr.? Don’t worry, Mr. Jay did not go pre-op transy on us [beat] yet, instead his daring décolletage is due to a trompe l’oeil t-shirt depicting a nice set of breastesses over a gilded 18th century-esque bodice.
There’s a reason for his man boobs, he assures us, but he starts by saying that today they will be shooting an ad for Olay Quench body lotion (the body lotion that helps men grow boobs?) and they will be recreating famous works of classical art with a “modern twist.” Kim will be portraying Botticelli’s “The Birth of Venus”; Nicole, Vermeer’s “The Girl with the Pearl Earring”; Kim, Da Vinci’s “Vitruvian Man”; Bre, the “Mona Lisa”; and Jayla, “Whistler’s Mother.” Of only Lisa was here, do you think she would be a Picasso or a Dali? Now, Jay says, his shirt is his modern interpretation of classic art. Whatever you say.
Twiggy appears to introduce them to their photographer for the day’s shoot, who turns out to be the man she’s been talking about all season, the legendary Barry Lategan who shot her famous, icon-defining first pictures. He is an avuncular, well-spoken and intelligent gentleman, who speaks to them in gentle tones, explaining, “You’ll all be representing, in a modern sense, the way beauty has been looked at in the past.”
The girls get prepped for the shoot, and Kim, in effort to mediate, decides to confront Bre, telling her she should replace Nicole’s Red Bulls. Not rudely, not angrily, just sayin’. Nevertheless, the Breyatch is awakened, and flips out on Kim’s ass and tells her to mind her own business. Hmm, did Bre mind her own business in the limo last week? Bre basically wigs out, and stomps away from Kim making a creepy, gargly noise of frustration in the back of her throat, not quite a scream or a shriek, maybe the sound of the inner beyatch trying to escape from the hatch of her throat.
The shoot begins with Kim, who has a bit of trouble during her “Birth of Venus,” especially with her hands, which Jay finds to be like a “catcher’s mitt” (a fave ANTM phrase). Jay thinks Kim let the competition get into her head a little too much, and kept her from finding “grace in her stance.”
Jayla thinks doing Whistler’s Mother will be a “piece of cake” because it’s just sitting. Jay advises she practice posing, and she essentially blows him off. Meanwhile, Nik, despite not being too familiar with Vitruvian Man, is able to totally embody Da Vinci’s sense of mathmetical symmetry. Barry raves about how fantastically coordinated her movements are, and how in touch she is with every extension of her body.
Jayla, who appears to be Whistler’s Mother by way of Sexy French Maid, finally comes out for her turn; turns out her confidence was correct, Barry thinks she captures what he wanted “beautifully.”
Meanwhile, behind the scenes, Jay overhears Kim and Nicole talking about the Breyatch situation. Kim spills the beans, and Jay compares what’s going on to Showgirls—only the best bad movie about tacky, competitive ho’s in Vegas EVER!!!—when Nomi pushes Crystal down the stairs—only the best showgirl-pushing-showgirl stunt sequence EVER!!! Jay says, “When competition heats up, people start to get cuckoo…But I think you need to learn how to push that stuff aside.” These are the truest, wisest words he’s ever spoken.
Nicole happens to be next, after some laughable product placement during which Nicole asks what that smell is and an assistant tells her it’s the lotion they’re hawking which “moisturizes all day long.” Don’t get me wrong, the assistant is selling it, but Nicole’s delivery, even when she says she likes it, is so dead and flat, I sincerely hope she is not picked as ANTM because her spokesmodel skills are beyond “Eet smells like cupcakes” sucky. But Nicole is cute, and her shoot goes well. Jay notes that she doesn’t let “the kerfuffle between her and Bre” ruffle her feathers, even when Bre acts loud and distracting during her session. Then, Mona Bre-sa breezes through her simpering rendition of La Giaconda, and then the day is done.
So Nicole confronts Bre after the shoots are over, and Bre (slouching on the couch, looking like an angry, bitchy tree sloth) refuses to replace Nicole’s beverages. Nicole also denies Bre’s allegations regarding the “stolen” cereal bar. Who do I think is the culprit? Wendy Pepper. Just kidding, I think a crew person snagged a snack and started World War III, personally. Anyway the discussion is just a big mess that ends with Nicole crying and calling Bre “mean” to her face and “spawn of the devil” to the camera. Bre just sits, slumped, and emotionless. Who’s the sociopath around here now? Back at the Savoy, everybody’s still stewing. Kim and Nicole drown their anxiety by guzzling a bottle of red wine together. Somehow in London, Bre turned into Cassandra while Nicole and Kim turned into Lisa!
The “Perfect” Storm
Tyra’s pic this week is a Warholesque portrait that perhaps is saying subliminally, “Someone’s fifteen minutes of fame is about to be up!” Panel is this week joined by the esteemed Barry Lategan. The test this week is to hold a “stoic” pose for 1 minute while the judges try to distract them by singing, blowing little party horns, donning clown wigs, bunny ears, bad fake teeth, blowing bubbles, shooting them with water pistols, and much rumpshaking.
Evals start with Nicole, she did okay with her test though Nigel found her poses “odd”; Miss J. also reminds her how he felt about her Screaming Mimi performance at the statue challenge. They love her portrayal of the Girl with the Pearl Earring, despite the fact that Tyra had a difficult time finding that perfect shot in her film. I’m jarred that they photoshopped in some hideous background instead of using the painted backdrops that were in the studio.
Nigel tells Nik she did “the best job of all” in the posing test, even though, as we find out, Nik doesn’t know what “stoic” means. Oh Nik, so beautiful, yet so in need of a dictionary! She also gets applause for her victory at the bird challenge. They move on to evaluate her rendition of Vitruvian Man. As Da Vinci’s original flashes on my screen, I realize the censors have fallen asleep and this is the first full frontal male nudity we have ever gotten on ANTM! Woohoo! (Watch the letters roll into UPN tomorrow…) Nik gets rave reviews from everyone on the panel, and everyone agrees that Nik finally overcame her tendency to pose at an angle. This picture proves she can look hot “straight on” as well.
Bre is next. The panel loves the “African Princess…regalness” in her version of the enigmatic Mona Lisa. Tyra reads some notes from Jay saying she displayed, “classic Showgirls syndrome” (is that actual DSM criteria?) towards Nicole, due to insecurity that makes her “go for the jugular.” Oooh, Bre got tattled on! Bre defends herself by saying, “I was very professional.” Tyra asks if Bre thinks she was perfect [insert helpful montage of Bre’s multiple tantrums], and Bre answers, what else, yes. Bre starts rambling a hot mess until Kim steps in to disagree with Bre’s account of what happened, and Nicole is called in to explain over what in the Sam Hill everyone’s got their knickers in a bunch for. It’s all downhill from there.
Tyra notes that Bre retaliated off an unconfirmed assumption, adding that even if the situation had been real, retaliation is childish. Tyra summons one of her amusing and enlightening anecdotes about how once someone accused her of taking their alarm clock then [dozes off]—HUH? I’m sorry, WHAT? Where was I?
Kim is up. She does fine on the test, but her picture gets a mixed response. The panel seems to question Kim’s “sad” facial expression. Barry says that he told her to go “dreamy” and to think of “her mother, her boyfriend…” The panel has a good long laugh over that one. Nigel likes the “modern pop” sensibility Kim gives to her Venus, and he remarks that he likes that she wore the same jewelry tonight. Tyra asks of she stole the pearls from the shoot, and Kim says she liked them so much she bought them. “Models usually steal stuff,” Tyra says, then compliments Kim for being “very honest.” J. doesn’t like her hands. The panel feels tension slipped in during the last half of her film. Meanwhile, in the background, Bre is contorting her face, mumbling madly, then rolling her eyes and crying.
Jayla did the worst at the test, but her Whistler’s Mother is hot to trot. Mr. Jay’s notes from the studio, however, mark her “cockiness” at the shoot from when he asked her to practice. Tyra says, you’re always being watched on photo shoot, and everyone’s talking about you, and the there’s a vast underground government conspiracy concealing the existence of UFOs. Ack, someone’s paranoid!
As per usual, the girls are dismissed so panel can deliberate. Backstage, the scene is shambolic. Bre goes apeshiznit on Kim’s ass, just cursing her out and shrieking incomprehensibly. Kim tells Bre that her anger will get her in trouble and she’s lying. Bre tells Kim that she won’t win the competition because “You are an ugly person. You have ugly personality traits.” Look in the mirror, you crazy ass cooz! It doesn’t get uglier than your behavior lately. Kim is hurt because she maintains that she has been loyal to Bre this whole time, never talked behind her back, and thinking back, when was there ever proof Kim talked smack about Bre? There’s plenty of Bre judging Kim from the very start (think of her observing Kim and Sarah in the pool). “God don’t like ugly,” Bre blubbers. Oh sweet jumpin’ Jesus on a pogo stick, don’t go and bring God into this. [Cut to: the Heavenly Father with a long grey beard, sitting on his throne among the clouds, rolling his neck and going, “Oh no she didn’t!”]
The Elim of Kim
The panel has decided, and the girls return. Photos are handed back out to Nik, Jayla, and Nicole. The Bottom Two, for drama’s sake is Kim and Bre, who are both standing there seething, like angry rhinoceroses—rhinocerosi? Rhinos. If there was a ring in the center, I would have confused with another reality show, “The Contender” because they both look like they’re ready to pound the hell out of each other, mano a mano. Hey, Tyra, pay-per-view! Think about it, and have your agent call mine for the details.
Tyra speechifies panel’s thoughts. Kim: inconsistent. Bre: unprofessional. Tyra then asks, “Bre do you want to go home?” I want her to! But no, Tyra says she won’t have to. Nicole looks all discombobulated and distraught, like “We’re going to London!” all over again, as she hugs her good friend goodbye.
Oddly, Bre is the one sobbing as she learns she’s still in the running, and Kim leaves with nary a tear. For her part, Kim decides to take the high road out of there. Her parting words are gracious and mature, saying she learned a lot from being on the show, and she will get past her feelings of betrayal knowing that she has gained the skills and experience to be a “really good model.” She says she’ll miss some of the people, but most of all, she’ll miss the modeling, which she has discovered she can excel at and has grown to love. Good luck, Kim (especially from my mom, you were her favorite)!
Well, I said I’d be brief and I rambled on anyway. Happy Thanksgiving, my fellow Americans, and a Simply Awesome Thursday to everybody else.
Somewhere out there is a turkey leg and a piece of prime rib with my name on it. Email your turkey leftover recipes to: snowflakegirl@fansofrealitytv. com.