Erotic foot massage, hyperactive midgets, itinerant male genitalia, blow up dolls, recreational use of adult diapers, a cameo from a well-known Diva, and an apparent case of multiple personality disorder—but you don’t want to hear me ramble on about my vacation, you’re here for the recap of this week’s AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL (during which, yes, all these things happen, and more). You may not remember me or even want me back, but like the recapper equivalent of a psycho ex-girlfriend, the SnowflakeGirl won’t get the message and just keeps returning.*
In short, I am delighted to be back in time to join you for “Top Model Week”, a sweeps blitzkrieg that UPN has hatched in order to capitalize on ANTM’s tasty ratings, though methinks there seems to be an indirectly proportional correlation between ratings hitting an all time high and show content hitting an all time low. Will watching would-be models urinate on themselves bring in more advertising revenue? The plot sickens!
Crazy for Being So Lonely
The show begins with Kim pining over the loss of her Dairy Queen Darling, Kyle. I guess her milkshake really brought Kim to the yard, as Kim cries, questions what she will do without Kyle, and seems much more devastated than when her last playmate, Sarah, left. All this happens over a photo montage of the two of them smiling, embracing, hanging out—the only thing missing is a slow motion insert of them running to each other in slow motion. I didn’t know Kim had it so bad for the Kylester, and now, without any more natural blondes in the household, she is sure to go crazy.
Crazy doesn’t even begin to describe Lisa’s ever-more erratic behavior. “I think slowly but surely I’m becoming more of a threat to the other girls,” Lisa speculates. You mean threat as in competition, or threat in terms of a possible danger to their health and well-being? Because if it’s the latter, then yes, the concern that one will wake up in the middle of the night with a drunken Lisa squatting over you in the bed with a pillow over your head grows with every minute.
Lisa thinks people are erasing her pictures from the digicam (paranoid schizophrenic, much?), so she prints them out to stick on the wall of photos—on which fully a third of the photos are solo shots of LISA!!! There is one especially disturbing shot of Lisa screaming, the motion making a blurry distortion that makes me wonder to whom she’ll be showing Samara’s videotape next.
TyraMail asks if they ever thought of what it might be like to be a “Diva.” The girls don’t need Hercule Poirot to figure out that means an appearance from a certain someone who took the ANTM title in season trois. The girls are prompted by the producers to seem excited; though Nik and Bre are the only ones who look like they actually are.
The Eva-lution of a Star
Ah, Eva Porkford. Arguably ANTM’s most successful, though probably more accurately the most popular, winner (and my mom’s all-time favorite), she’s certainly the most high profile visible without having had to bang a Brady. Our six remaining girls are transported to a studio to meet the infamous Eva Diva, and they arrive just in time to catch her working a sleek and sexy caramel bob in a photo shoot for ELLEgirl magazine.
While Eva is shooting, Samara and Marie (fashion editor and art director, respectively) from ELLEgirl™ greet the girls and explain that Eva is modeling DKNY™ clothing for a “bohemian chic” spread. Why stop the product placement now? Why not mention that DKNY™ is available at stores like Nordstroms™ or Macy’s™, the cameras are Hasselblad™ and the staff of ELLEgirl™ just loves Playtex™ and are wearing their tampons as we speak? (BTW, when the SFG™ writes recaps, she gets her energy from Red Bull™ spiked with E-Mer-Gen-C™, Krispy Kreme™ donuts dipped in Ghirardelli™ chocolate, and huffing Sharpie™ pens.)
Kim remarks how cute Eva looks and how much “You just want to kiss her.” Seems Kim is really hard up these days if she’s gunning after Missy Elliott’s sloppy seconds (not that there’s anything wrong with that). Nik encourages her to “Deliver us from Eva,” because she is a mole that Kevin Mok is paying to help get more lesbian shenanigans out of others for the sweeps episode (we wish).
Sadly, there will be no lesbiananigans today—there is work to be done. Eva explains the importance of getting along well with others and surrounding yourself with good people, and brings up the watchword for the week: “Entourage.” De rigueur for any star, she introduces her own entourage, which consists of her cousin/makeup stylist (taking a page from the Tyra playbook, are we?), a hair stylist, her photographer, and the various other peeps, a.k.a. sycophantic parasites that shield you from reality, make you feel important, and keep you from feeling lonely, all whilst slowly sucking out money and the other perks of your stardom from out of your egotistical ass.
Eva changes out of her wig (I personally think she might want to try growing her hair out, since it was much more flattering than the odd micro-mullet she’s sporting) and appears with another celebrity cliché, the itty-bitty lapdog. Or did the wig she was wearing just fall into her lap? [squints] God, I need to wear my glasses when I recap. She gives a fairly generic pep talk to the girls, and tells them “You are in control of your destiny.” If only that were true; we all know that on ANTM, it’s Tyra and Tyra alone who determines your fate. After all, Tyra is the name of God on the lips of all who sign up to be America’s Next Top Model.
Psycho Sybil, Q’est-ce Que C’est
After Eva finishes her lecture, the girls sit around yawning and playing with their hair…except for Lisa, that is, who decides to “network” with some of the Diva’s people, i.e. accost them while they’re trying to relax and eat lunch. Bravo to Lisa for being motivated but boo for interrupting someone’s meal (a terrible crime in my book)! Lisa has this tendency to act overly familiar with people she’s just met, like when she rubs the head of Eva’s cousin, who looks like he’s doing his best to be polite when secretly he’d like bite that bony hand off right off Lisa’s skinny, pipe cleaner arm.
Still, it’s hard not to feel sorry for Lisa when one sees the ever-widening rift between her and her housemates. All the girls are discussing how they think all the finalists remaining are a pretty good group. When Lisa tries to join in, even the normally Nik says, “No, we don’t like you, Lisa.” Everyone laughs in a way that makes you wonder if it was a joke or if the joke is on Lisa.
“I’m gonna be friendless,” Lisa resolves herself. At home, Lisa returns to the only friend who has never let her down, made snide comments about her, or tried to compete with her in a modeling competition: her old chum Al Cohol. The problem with Al, however, is he often makes Lisa do foolish things. He’s a bad influence.
Case in point: in order to relieve some of the tension in the house, Al convinces Lisa that it’s a good idea for her to dress up in costumes and pretend to be other people for a while. “To be honest, we’re all a little scared of Lisa,” Kim remarks, as well she should be. There was a little Hitchcock movie a while back that also had a character who enjoyed wearing costumes and pretending to be other people for a while—only that guy had a big, sharp kitchen knife. [cue Bernard Hermann theme] Mother?
Lisa runs spastically around the house in a green t-shirt emblazoned with the word “Envy”, nappy wig, huge stained fake teeth, and smeared red lipstick Robert Smith would find over-the-top, speaking with crackhead eloquence and a drooly drawl extolling the virtues of cookie-eating. Everyone tries to stay as far away from her as possible. Poor Lisa, it seems the only way she has friends is if she makes them up in her own imagination [somewhere outside in the back yard, Cousin It nods sadly]. I’m sorry, Lisa, the voices in your head don’t count as an entourage.
Let’s Hug It Out, Bitch
TyraMail queries, “Have you ever fantasized about being the head bitch in charge?” The girls head out to downtown LA’s fashion district, to a small, airless warehouse where they must roleplay that they are Kathie Lee Gifford yelling at small Southeast Asian children to sew buttons faster. Faster! Faster! Please the master! Okay no, in actuality they are brought to yet another studio (snore) filled with loads of clothes, makeup, and people standing at attention. It is basically like being in J.Lo’s closet, only without the smell of fear in the air.
They are greeted by “CoverGirl Makeup Pro” (what kind of lame title is that), BJ Gillian (sounds like name of a gay porn star). BJ, who looks like he has the same plastic surgeon as Siegfried & Roy, says that as they have been learning how models work with an entourage, today the girls will get to pick an entourage of their own. They have only 1 hour to choose people for their team, pull together a star-worthy image, then work on a collage that will represent their uniqueness in a go-see with a “very big manager.”
The girls rush around to choose people for their “entourage” which must consist of: a personal assistant to create their poster, a wardrobe consultant, makeup and hair stylist. Once selected, the people set to work dressing the girls from the myriad clothing choices they have in racks around the room. Then Jayla the Jehovah’s Witness takes the Lord’s name in vain: “God, I hate so many choices,” declares she of the one blue Italy shirt.
Bre is worried she might have come off as too bossy to her peeps, whereas Kim finds her entourage enormously helpful. No big surprise that the girl who seems to be clashing the most with her entourage is Miss Does-Not-Play-Well-With-Others, Lisa. Lisa balks at her team’s selections and asks if she can wear her own clothes. Her wardrobe consultant, as nicely as possible, says that these designers have kindly donated all this great clothing for them to use, why not take advantage, you certifiably insane, Chiclet™-toothed bitch? (She was, of course, too professional to say that last part aloud.)
In the meantime, BJ has been going around hawking CoverGirl™ products like a carny barking it up on the midway. Wetslicks™, True Last™, blah blah blah, he was talking up such a blue streak I thought his chin implant was going to fall off. The hour goes by fast, and once the personal assistants have put the finishing touch on the girls’ poster collages, it’s off in the limo to see their mysterious Show Biz Big Wig.
Funky Cold Medina
Jean Kwolek of Handprint Entertainment greets them and reveals that aforementioned Big Wig is Benny Medina, manager of stars like Tyra Banks (of course) and Mariah Carey (does this reference really help him?). Also, the girl who makes the best impression today will get a cameo on UPN’s “Veronica Mars.” More fake enthusiasm from the girls. Is it just me, or do the girls just not seem that excited about anything any more this season? They seem a little tired, and not that easy to impress anymore. Any sort of “excitement” seems wrung from a second take which the producers surely demanded. What happened to all the screaming at the start? Tips for future seasons: Pace yourselves, girls, don’t blow your whole wad at that first luncheon when Tyra appears.
You know who else appears less than enthusiastic? Benny Medina. He must have lost a bet or owes Tyra a favor, because he sits in his chair, head in hand, looking bored as a 7-year-old kid with ADD in math class. Like he’d rather be having crabcakes at the Ivy with Will Smith right about now. This is probably great training for meeting a good percentage of Hollywood Players, and I mean that in the Robert Altman-movie sense, not the hip hop sense.
Nik is the first to meet him, and she is barely through her first sentence before he interrupts her and squints at her rudely. This throws Nik off a little bit, and she stammers through the rest of her interview. She really blows it when he asks if she can act and she says no, but she will try. Benny sums her up as, “really beautiful, but I didn’t want to listen to what she had to say.”
Coincidentally, that’s how I often feel about the next girl: Nicole, whom Benny also treats harshly and will not skate by on her pretty looks. He asks her to tell him in 30 seconds why she thinks she’ll be a star. As she rattles on inanely about her “wild side” he stops her and impatiently asks “What about talent?” Nicole has an unattractive tendency to screw up her mouth when she’s frustrated or angry.
Bre’s presentation is very intense and real, but like she has done before in the past, she buckles under too much self-imposed pressure. Benny seems to like her though, and seems genuinely concerned when he asks why she thinks she’s messing up. After she’s done, he describes her as a “sexy sister” who’s obviously “passionate.”
By the time Jayla goes up, Benny seems to have given up altogether and just lets her drone on and on about God knows what—a sales pitch from the Watchtower organization, perhaps? He dismisses her with a curt thanks, and later says he cannot for the life of himself remember anything about Jayla.
Kim wakes him back up again by nailing her interview. She brings up her past acting experience and her versatility, and her passion and professionalism manage to impress even the chilly, standoffish Benny.
Lisa falls off the back end of confidence into cuckoo-town. She starts off with a strong pitch, but ends up near tears and choked up with emotion. She attempts to recover by kissing ass at the very end (by calling Benny and Jean the opportunity she’s been waiting for her whole life), but it backfires. Jean announces that the girl they think “has the most star power” is Kim. Lisa looks down, crestfallen.
Lesbians are from Mars, Drunks are from Venus
Kim is excited about her appearance on “Veronica Mars” and winning the challenge also boosts her confidence; for the first time, she actually feels like she could have a shot at winning it all.
Next thing we see is Kim being taken to the “Veronica Mars” set in La Jolla (which is actually in San Diego, despite the creative geography in ANTM’s little Hollywood montage). She is a little nervous, but since her character (an associate working behind the counter at a rental car agency, a role sure to garner attention at next year’s Emmy awards) is a “jaded underachiever, very sarcastic,” Kim feels like ”I can do that!”
Before their scene, Kim chats with pretty, friendly, blonde Kristen Bell, the star of “Veronica Mars.” The blonde Kristen offers to “rehearse” with Kim [nudge, nudge, wink, wink]. During shooting, Kim’s fingers seem to linger a while on the blonde actress’s hand as she passes papers over the counter in their scene. Am I sensing a Love Connection here?
When Kim returns to the mansion, the girls gather round as Kim tells them about her experience. Everything seems pretty congenial until Lisa opens up her mouth to speak. Now would be the right time for Lisa to bust out that green “Envy” shirt—instead, she wears her jealous, passive-aggressive heart on het sleeve as she slaps Kim with some back-handed compliments and patronizing congratulations.
“I’m not saying I wanted to win but if I did, it’s all good,” Lisa says, adding, “You deserve to win one.” Hardly the great communicator, Lisa’s comments only get more condescending and snide, and everyone ends up getting up from the table and walking out. Lisa leaves last, typically alone, save for her sole chaperone, Mr. Alfred Edward Cohol. That’s Al Cohol, to you.
“Don’t let your fears of the wild keep you from looking fierce,” TyraMail teases. Will they doing a shoot with wild animals, the girls wonder? Their guess is not too far off from the truth, despite the fact that the posh Hollywood Hills mansion they are driven to throws them off the scent a bit. Jay Manuel, donning a t-shirt emblazoned with the slogan “Erotic City Come Alive,” [SFG does the Cabbage Patch and sings, “If we cannot make babies, maybe we can make some time…”], explains that today they will be portraying “High Fashion Mad,” at which time he gives a little scream and leaps forward balletically, as if he were the gayest Godzilla I’ve ever seen in my life.
They meet their photographer, cute brunette Nadia Pandolfo, before reporting to hair and makeup to get glammed up in sort of a retro-60s sex kitten look. Jay interrupts their preparations, however, to introduce them to a few more of the people they will be working with today: [cue Duran Duran music] WILDBOYZ, WILDBOYZ, WILDBOYZ! “Do you know who these guys are?” Mr. Jay asks. Well, back in my day, Wee Man, Chris Pontius, and Steve O were on Spike Jonze’s “Jackass.” I don’t understand the kids today with their “WildBoyz.”
Anyway, the midget, the slob, and the nutcase come out clad in little more than itty-bitty shorts in order to portray the girls’ “entourage gone wild”—talk about your cheap ratings stunts! This is starting make the Trump/Star Wars collab look klassy in comparison. Some of the girls laugh, most of the girls look confused, but Bre is obviously repulsed by the Wild Boyz’s frantic, frat-boy-boy-from-hell antics.
“All you need is some Wee,” says Wee Man when he sees Bre’s distress. Or did he say “weed,” which is probably the only thing that gets anyone through an episode of “Wildboyz” without wanting to bite your own hand off? Bre tells him he looks like he’s going to be a “problem” and just as Wee Man is starting to say he is the “answer,” Steve O creeps up from behind to yank his Wee pants down, and judging from the pixellation, exposing his Wee wee-wee in the process.
Kim anticipates that “the person most likely to get along with the Wildboyz is disgusting, crazy Lisa.” Lisa is relieved because she now can say, “See, I’m not the only one who’s crazy!” Or exposing midget penis (let’s start a new rumor that Lisa is a hermaphrodite). Lisa is the first to shoot, and in her scenario, she is mad that the WildBoyz have gotten into her makeup. Perhaps CoverGirl™ should consider Wee Man for their next campaign—his close-ups had me screaming “Beauty!” Lisa was just screaming, and screaming, and screaming—Nadia the photog has to remind her that the shoot is not solely about looking angry, you still have to be pretty too. Lisa seemed to be the most comfortable at interacting with the Boyz—even spanking and smacking them around a little, which they seemed to enjoy.
Bre looks like it’s not much of a stretch for her to act “ticked off” as the Boyz pretend to have gotten into her underwear drawer. Her challenge is to keep from puking during the course of the shoot in which much pixellation indicates quite a bit of Boyzenberries exposed onset. Steve O, then the others, decide to throw panties in Bre’s face, which starts to really piss her off. “A lot of girls don’t like that,” Pontius observes; klassy. My advice is to not mess with the girl from Harlem, because even if she can’t get to you now, you’d better watch your ass walking through that parking lot later on, you know that’s right, mmmhmm. “I want to know who their parents are,” Bre grumbles, “Because I was not amused by their childish games.”
Nicole (looking great in a honey blonde fall) is up next, and her situation is the most hilarious of the bunch: she is supposed to be walking in on her boyfriend (Steve O) whom she catches in bed with none other than Kim, all while Pontius and Wee Man catch it on video. Trust me, if anyone is going to “turn the lesbian straight” it would so not be Steve O—if anything, he looks like he’d make a few girls go gay—but that’s precisely what makes the concept so funny. So funny, in fact, Nicole can’t stop laughing during her shoot, which peeves the photographer (who finds her “fake”) but endears her to the WildBoyz, in particular Steve O, who looks like he’s truly in love with her as he bows down before her and she smacks him with a purse. He even smooches her on the neck as he leaves the set.
Jayla has an additional challenge—she can’t actually holler aloud so as not to frighten the live dog, which she is supposed to catch eating off the dining room table. Her silent screams are frightening to behold, and alas the photog also remarks that Jayla seems capable of giving only one look. And it’s true, as you watch the video, it’s basically Jayla switching her purse from one hand to the other, but giving the exact same face each time. Steve O says he was not able to see much of Jayla’s performance as he was “busy making out with the dog.” Oh yeah, pitch a fit over a flash of nipple at the Superbowl, but don’t mind the bestiality—nice work, FCC!
Nik’s turn, and the Boyz are playing dress-up while she screams in the foreground. Steve O takes a leap and his skirt flies up, but instead of pixellation there is a big black box over his crotchal region (kudos, Steve O!). This happens repeatedly, as Steve O jumps, leaps, and cartwheels behind Nik, who can’t see a thing. All she knows is a big crowd has gathered around the set, and everyone is laughing. “What happened behind me?” Nik asks innocently at the end. “Penis, a whole lot of it,” Bre informs her, illustrating her point with a nice impression of Steve O’s elephant dance.
Kim is the last shoot, and she must react to the Boyz’s poolside misbehavior. She says that several times she nearly passes out from screaming; and at the end Steve O dumps her into the pool. Steve O says he did his best to try and “convert” Kim, and Chris thinks he was successful—don’t know how he came to that conclusion, because quite frankly Kim seemed way more into Kristen Bell in a bow chikka bow bow-type-way than with Steve O—and who could blame her? I’d rather get together with Kristen Bell in a bow chikka bow bow-type-way than with Steve O! The Boyz’s sophisticated academic theory on sexual orientation is that “no one is 100% lesbian to begin with.” Thank you, Dr. Kinsey, for that enlightening report.
Get Back into Life with Depends
It’s official: Steve O is smitten with Nicole. All day he follows her around like a puppy, giving her foot massages, inviting her to stay with him if she moves to LA…All this attention on Nicole seems to have aroused the little green-eyed monster in Lisa, and her attempt to wrest the spotlight back is to run around in an adult diaper. Lisa seems all too eager to please when she comes out yelling, “Hey I’m wearing your guys’ underwear!” Instead of the positive response she was surely hoping to get, the WildBoyz barely give her a glance, and Pontius merely asks, “Why?”
The rest of the girls are appalled, and Steve O’s reaction is the best, and most precise, description of Lisa I have ever heard, “She is so Fatal Attraction!” Lisa then stands with her legs apart and announces that she is going to pee in the diaper. “Don’t do it,” a male voice cautions. You know you have reached a new nadir when even the WildBoyz plead with you not to do something because it’s too vulgar. Wee Man, as is appropriate for his name, is the only one gung-ho about Lisa weeing on herself. He exclaims gleefully, “She’s doin’ it, dude, you can totally see it!”
Bre tells it like it is: “No woman of class, especially a supermodel-in-the-making, is gonna do something as disgusting as pee on herself on the job,” and suggests that if Lisa does win the competition, that she take her $100,000 prize and “check herself into a psych ward ASAP.” When Nicole expresses her disgust aloud, Lisa has the gall to dedicate her urination to Nicole. If you want to make friend, Lisa, maybe next time…try requesting a song on the radio? Everyone is horrified and generally embarrassed about Lisa’s pathetic attempt at peeing her way to the top. That might work in the German porn industry, Missy, but not here on ANTM.
Blow Me Up, Tyra
Judgement day: Tyra says they are here to make their seventh cut of the competition…but is she lying? Faster than you can say “Objection, leading the witness,” Tyra introduces the judges, this week joined by the “High Fashion Mad” photog Nadia Pandolfo. Tyra says that “being a star is about being versatile” so today they will be tested on their ability to endorse different kinds of products. Each girl must demonstrate how they would work with 1) toothpaste (commercial), 2) sunglasses (high fashion editorial), 3) chocolate (television endorsements).
Most everyone gives their biggest, cheesiest grin for the toothpaste commercial—it’s not until they get into the high fashion editorial that the girls start to get creative. There are many sultry poses with this item that earn approving looks from Nigel. Nik gets off to a rocky start, but then manages to strike a smoldering pose. When the glasses fall off her head as Lisa takes a flying leap, Tyra warns her, “Be careful, those are my glasses.” How low budget is this series that they have to use Tyra’s own glasses in a challenge? I hope it wasn’t Tyra’s underwear the WildBoyz were wearing earlier!
The girls then have 1 full minute to act out their endorsements for “ANTM Chocolate.” The girls start to get a little too creative at this point, especially Lisa who says, “You can use it in many different ways, for arousal…” Nicole literally does a song and dance with her piece of chocolate. Nik comes up with the brilliant slogan, “It’s chocolatey, it’s chocolate, it’s ANTM chocolate.” Quick, someone call Chiat/Day, this girl’s a genius! Kim comes up with a way to fill up her minute, by using the remainder of her time to hand out samples to the panel. Bre’s pitch is by far the most erotic, as she uses her smoky voice to talk sensually about how “late at night” she likes to enjoy a piece of ANTM chocolate. Nigel, practically in a swoon, says he wishes the minute could go on longer, but the second time’s up, Bre’s face scrunches up and she declares she “hates chocolate.”
Jayla steps up to be evaluated first. In reference to the first line in her pitch, Miss J. asks, “Who says models shouldn’t eat chocolate?” He adds that he completely disagrees, as does Tyra, who leans over to try to bite Miss J. who declares, “I am Sexy Chocolate!” The panel overall agrees that Jayla seemed too scared to let go and be relaxed or sexy in her chocolate commercial. Her WildBoyz photo is also universally slammed. Her vacant, wide-eyed and gaping-mouthed expression is deemed by Tyra to be “like a blow-up doll” (both Tyra and Miss J. mimic the look to high comic effect). Tyra even goes so far as to add that the photo “should be on a blow-up doll box.” Well, you did want them to be versatile, didn’t you, Tyra? You never when your next client might be the manufacturer of high-end inflatable love surrogates.
Nadia doesn’t feel Nik connected with the toothpaste, but Twiggy likes the way she handled the chocolate commercial—until she ran out of steam at the end, that is. The panel does, however, love her “High Fashion Mad” photo, calling it “powerful.” Tyra says Nik did the best this week on film, since she was able to give lots of variety in terms of screaming expressions, “but still pretty.”
Tyra thinks Kim sort of “gave up” at the end of her commercial; but everyone loves her screaming photo. Twiggy thinks it’s “great.” Nigel compliments her by saying, “This is the most attractive I’ve ever seen you look.” Miss J. says he thinks it was her best photo because she could be “one of the boys.” Kim gives him an odd look, but says thank you anyway.
Tyra says that when Lisa jumped in the air, her first thought was that she was “crazy.” But TyTy admits that if there were a still photo capturing that moment in midair, “it would have been gorgeous.” Twiggy liked the movement, but says she did panic when the glasses fell because she knew they belonged to Tyra. “They only cost $15,” Tyra says with a dismissive wave. See you at the swap meet, girl, okay? Unfortunately, they think Lisa has “gone too far” in her WildBoyz picture. Nigel says she’s need to learn, “how to not go all-the-way crazy.” I’m sorry, Nigel, but I think Lisa used her one-way ticket to the capitol of Crazy long long ago, and there is no hope of coming back.
Everyone loved Bre’s chocolate commercial, because it was “sexy” and contained not a single “awkward pause.” Unfortunately, the judges criticize her for putting on an act to “try to seem posher” than she is. Twiggy, in particular, cites herself as being the first “working-class” supermodel, and tells Bre not to be ashamed of herself and lose her identity. She does get a hearty “well done” for this week’s photo.
The panel has a laugh over Nicole’s song and dance, unfortunately it was more of an “at her” and not “with her” type of laughter. Nadia says that if Nicole doesn’t learn to take herself more seriously, then she will never succeed as anything but a catalog model “if that.” Ouchy. They show her WildBoyz pic, and Nadia feels like during the shoot, Nicole seemed “embarrassed” and like she was “holding back.” “You’ve got to become more confident,” Nadia advises. Wow, does Nadia have it out for Nicole or what?
The judges deliberate (and I notice Nadia has quite a few harsh, but spot-on, criticisms for Lisa, Jayla, and Nicole) until Tyra says they’ve reached a decision, ”a strange one.” They call the girls back and Tyra says that this week there is a clear demarcation between the frontrunners and the girls who are not progressing. She hands photos back to the girls she feels have shown progress: Bre, Kim, Nik, and Lisa.
So the bottom two for this week are Jayla and Nicole, who both step up to the panel looking sick with dread, like they could vomit on Tyra’s shoes at any given moment. Tyra tells them that they were formerly at the top of the pack, but are now at the bottom due to their poor performance in the endorsement test and inability to represent a product. Tyra then says that “the judges are so disappointed in you that this week, you must both pack your bags…”
Everyone reacts with shock and sadness, and tears spring to the eyes of not only the bottom two, but the girls who are safe, like Kim and Bre. A long moment of silent horror passes before Tyra screams out “…because we’re all going to London! Nobody’s going home!!!” As glitter falls down from the ceiling, and English Beefeaters march into the room, Jayla and Nicole look profoundly confused and, and in Nicole’s case, still horribly upset.
“It’s okay, I was just faking you out,” Tyra says, trying to console the distraught Nicole. Damn, that’s cruel, even for Tyra. Some jokes are just not funny, like a doctor coming out of the hospital room to say, “I’m sorry but I’m afraid your grandmother’s no longer with us…[long pause, family bursts out in sobs]…BECAUSE WE HAVE SENT HER ON A FREE VACATION TO DISNEYLAND!!!” Thus concludes this episode of ANTM. Join us next week when we head to [doing best Austin Powers impression] SWINGIN' LONDON, BABY!
*Psycho ex behavior including, but not restricted to: drunk dialing you at 3am, knocking on your door wearing nothing but a raincoat over your old underwear—I was just in the neighborhood, I swear!—using the copy of your restraining order to light a cozy fire in your backyard. Email me at snowflakegirl@fansofrealitytv. com, because I know we’re meant to be together, even if you won’t admit it! [eye twitch]