ANTM5 Ep. 7 Recap: Petroleum, Poo, and the Curse of Kim's Concubines
All right, I’m not Snow either. And I’m not Totoro. And I am also not “with” them, rolling around in a “love burrito” made with hot baby oil, luv, and an extra large, tight fitting, silk kimono-for-three, (despite my constant, obsessive, completely unscary requests.) If they ever
succumb agree to it, I’ll we’ll sell you the video. (I’ll be the one in soft focus, ala Alexis Carrington, or Shelly Winters ala “The Poseidon Adventure”…..or….Ernest Borgnine, of “The Poseidon Adventure.” <---part of the completely fair, adult video contract I signed.)
Disclaimer: the timeliness of this recap was delayed due to rather large emergencies. Yes, cat out of the bag: I’ve been in the running for that whole, Supreme Court Justice thingy. Do I have a law degree? *chuckles* No. But I look hot in a judicial robe.<--number one motive. And yayy! Even better: less time before more Snow *cue jungle sounds tape, prepares taping room with faux fur covered, purple Elmo dolls*
So now that we're here.......let’s do it. <--Tone Loc/Shazz.
This is the episode where we find out that befriending Kim is like tying cement shoes to your wee, waify ankle. You will be suctioned down to the bottom of the river bed, never to be seen in an amateurish print ad again.
So. We’re here. In the ugly, Brady-bunch-esque ranch style house, where Nik indicates to the cam diary that Jayla’s a beyatch. She stole her night light idea, and Nik wants Jayla to chew down on big, insecticide burrito. There is a cornucopia of love. Seemingly pinch hitting for Nik, is Bre, who’s shown bending Jayla’s untoned stick legs back behind her head, in what could be the precursor to Jayla’s future stint on the Surreal Life, but what Bre simply calls “helping her stretch”. *wink, nudge* <--adding unimplied, non-existent sexual tension.
Soon, Tyra emerges from a fine, figure flattering mist. I’m astonished at how much the girls scream every time she appears, as if they haven’t just seen her. I want this kind of reception everywhere! Friends. Family. The people at Chipotle. *squeals* “It’s the girl who eats stupid-crazy amounts of guacamole!!!” NOW you’re talkin’. Anyhow, she shows up, letting them know she’s going to do to them in the backyard what her girlfriends did to her in the backyard: rub each other down with Vaseline. <--this isn’t so much hot as it is completely disgusting. And just so I don’t have to describe it again: all are adorned in sack-like tube tops in varying, bright, Trading Spaces retro wall colors.
Bre’s up first and is freakishly excited to be petro-lubed. She loooooves Tyra and again, acts as if she didn’t just see and talk to her like, yesterday.
Ms. Flexible Jayla’s next and can’t seem to rest her bionic, independent-entity pinky.
Kyle thinks she’s totally cut for this and looks wild along with Bre, whereas Nicole pulls out her average, magical, same-expression face.
Lastly or firstly or middlely (I don’t remember where it happens, I was busy keeping my Wheaties down), Tyra takes an enormous globule of the grease and squishes it into Lisa’s hair. It’s Crisco-like in it’s consistency and ick factor, causing my uvula to twitch.
Nicole grabs the card first, and I have to say, does a fine, fine, fine, Gilmore Girls acting job of squealing over the lie that it says they’re going to gay Paris! *insert freakishly realistic Nicole squeals* After years of studying the fair ladies, Kim sees through the act right away, and we see the real message: Are you a diamond in the rough? Lisa and Nicole grab each other and scream, inches from each other’s face, for a full, oh…five or so minutes. It’s weird. And btw, I noticed that the much hated Lisa and the vacant Nicole are frequently laughing together. Does Lisa have….*gasp*…a friend? Yo no se.
in bondage bonding together are Kyle and Kim. They hang. They rap. They keep it real. Both suggest their best friendhood is imminent (and I’d like to point out that Snow is sage and wise, for I do believe she predicted a Kim/Kyle match-up early in the game. High Five! *slips Snow some skins* Woot!) They compliment their sanity while detailing their neurosis. Well, Kyle does, anyhow. It turns out the poor girl has turned her boyfriend back home into the giant glowing orb known as the sun, for which she gratefully and perpetually revolves. Kim states the obvious: are you stupid or something? Kyle: stupid is as stupid does. Actually, Kim just let’s the poor innocent lamb know she should put herself first. Jayla gets a little diary cam clip where she infers that Kyle’s head is filled with pure helium. Note to others: it is. After returning to Dairy Queen, it’s rumored that she floated into the ether, a child hopping and crying below, mourning the loss of his swiftly upwards advancing twist cone.
Let’s Put Some Poo in that Petroleum
Next up, the girls head to Griffith Park, which has now been deemed “Camp” Griffith Park by Erik Viscosity (<--because this sounds cooler than his REAL, semi-similar, 19 consonant last name, and also sounds as if HE is coated in engine fluids. It’s a theme, people. Note: when you hit pause on the Tivo, all text on the bottom disappears under a green bar. This is why I don’t see the news crawl on CNN, and was slightly behind when high waisted jeans came back in. *self-consciously covers extremely hot plumber’s butt* )
So Eric greets them and tells them that yada yada, top modeling is akin to a ninja-like affair: lots of challenges and tough obstacles and flying through the air in loose fitting black. Pre-challenge, he asks if everyone’s ready, and Lisa jumps and vibrates in overly excited, coked-up mode. She goes first. She gets black marks under her eyes and begins the oddly militaristic challenge. Up over a wall, then struggling under a self-imposed dummy “attacker”, which btw, looks ridiculous. I.e. all girls place this rag doll atop themselves and fight with it, crawling across the ground on their backs, while, at their own hand, the dummy humps their thigh. Side note: this is how I learned about sex. After the sex dummy, they crawl under a low hanging limbo-net, through a combo of turd-looking “soil”. Lisa actually looks like she enjoys it and hugs the ungrateful trainer when she’s through. The rest of the girls gag and spit their way through the earth, many of them moaning, feeling disgusted, and choking on the bits of turd-earth that splash upon their face. After the Vaseline, this was another delightful little appetite suppressing scene. Jayla thinks it’s about time she started working out, before she gets “older and fatter”, but doesn’t think this is the way to do it. Note: the girls all look winded, Nicole the worst of the bunch, running as if she’s 90 and carrying a load in her sweats. The trainer is excited about all of this, (because senior citizens are HAWT - which they are - and because Nik’s pants continually fall down) and notes that none of them realize this is only PART of the challenge.
The next part of the challenge comes after the girls are loaded into a plastic-sheet lined limo. More Tyra mail in the limo which tells them they can’t bathe. All want to hurl.
They pull up to a loft in LA, and Bre arrives first, greeted by Elle Girl magazine editor, and two of her toadies with names-I’m-making-up-right-now-like-Chi-chi-and-Zulu. The winner of ANTM is going to be on the cover one day, and the Elle peeps want to see how the waifs let their personalities shine through their glistening, new, manure coat.
The chicks walk in one by one, covered in grime and put on the spot to give an immediate, happy, zesty interview. Everybody totally fakes their way through the interview, with Nik (to me) sounding the lamest, as in, completely pulling the answers out of her ass. When she’s asked how she has fun, the pretty girl says she loooooves playing in the mud and further throws in a pun about loving to “mess things up” a bit. So, here, this is what she did. She played in the mud, see? She got dirty, see? Messy, right? And then she told the ELLE people that she liked to “mess things up”. See? I hope you didn’t let this piece of ingenuity pass you by. Like a pilot saying he likes to “jet” through life. It’s great. Lisa also does her happy smilie face, that on any other girl would look completely fake, but as Lisa’s totally all about impressing and courting her own person, when she talks about self-confidence, the girl means it. Jayla talks about her “hey-I’m-a-Jehovah-but-look-how-I-rebel-with-my-punk-music, see-mom-and-dad? Canwehaveapooldad? See? I’m complex!” Yada yada Kyle talks about Dairy Queen and jewelry, and Kim says she’s versatile, which to her means: jeans, jeans, and maybe, for a switch-up, some jeans.
Pre-waif-win, the editor zips around the room to tell them how each of them suck individually. The winner receives: one on one time with a fashion industry expert on how to be a top model. <---different than all their other days there.
Lisa: girl, you’re more wired than a crackhead. Thumbs up!
Jayla: you look shy, ready to crack from the stress. Jayla: But…but…but..I’m dirty! <--*insert throbbing porn beat* Elle: can’t let people know you’re less-than-cozy on a go see, even if you’re sporting a crisp, Wal-mart Greeter uniform. *blood curdling screams* <--if Cassandra was still here.
Bre: um, don’t know how to say this, but, the Polaroid, she is not your friend.
Nik: It’s like you’re dead.
Nicole: America’s sweetheart. The world wants you. You should be selling cheese.
Kyle: We love your pride in frozen cow by-products, you have striking bone structure, but you don’t use that structure to do anything but follow the traveling dot of light my watch makes on the wall!
The winner: Lisa!
Lisa greets celeb stylist Todd Hallman, who’s apparently styled that girl from Joan of Aracadia (Amberlin Tamblin? Ramblin’ Amberlin? <--wrestling names. You know who I mean) as well as the hilarious and slutty sister on Arrested Development. He’s got alllllll the A-listers. Lisa spends her time walking around in a brown dress and learning how to laugh if you trip and fall on a runway and your femur snaps and pops through your skin. “Ah ha ha ha! My bone ALWAYS does that!” <--way to be cool, my babies. Lisa loves him, he loves her, and she departs, with the groundbreaking tip: take care of your epidermal layer. This will give her the edge she needs, as all the other models likely bed down in full mime make-up, their thickly coated white skin resting on a wheel of pizza.
Back in the house, Kim’s agitated. She’s used to being the best, and can’t stand that Lisa won, because she thinks Lisa’s face could start apocalyptic wars. Not in the good way. (Because when it comes to war, there are so many ways for good.) Everybody self-cleanses except for Jayla. This disgusts Kim, who lets her know how completely funkified she is. Jayla just thinks Kim is insecure and lame.
Squeezed as Tight as a Kielbasa Casing
Tyra mail yet again: (btw, never before recapping this show did I realize just how much Tyra mail they get. It’s shocking! And for positively everything! “Tyra mail: There’s a new Lenscrafters.” “Tyra Mail: Who keeps gettin’ ash on my rug?” “Tyra Mail: Hand me that pen.” )
Anyhow, the mail: Vroom vroom, be ready tomorrow at 8:15 a.m. Also noted about her mail: the stunning simplicity. Let’s bring back iambic pentameter, people. Go limerick, or go home. <--first ever, poetry threat.
The shoot: Ford Fusion, babies! A new, happening, car, that Jay describes with rehearsed stiffness. (*Beavis laugh* Heh heh...she said, "stiff".) Jay greets them and let’s them know they’ll be as bent and contorted as origami paper. What’s the scoop: 1940’s pin-up girls. Lisa pipes up with her inner, model knowledge, “like the Vargas girls!” Yes. The goal: it’s about inner confidence today. He wants them to ride the fine line between sexy and sleazy. According to him, Tyra’s the master. Of her domain.
Soon the girls are squeezed into cozy, comfy, bone-crunching corsets. The wee organs of all are being panini’d, but they must somehow look uber hot while wheezing, pretending not to be terribly worried about their ruptured organs. Hey, as long as you're thin, right? (Sad side note: I saw a study reiterated again this week, that noted that girls were more afraid of being fat than they were afraid of war and death. This seems....sadly unbalanced. Personally, I'm more afraid of men with excessive body hair. Have you seen the gnarled forests on Robin Williams' white chest? *shudders....suddenly fantasizes about sheep sheering*)
Nearly imploded by whale boning (*Beavis laugh again* The whales are "boning!" heh!), they still all manage to look insanely gorgeous. I.e. this is the best photo shoot of the season, imo. And good news: Kim finally gets to pull out all the stops as a girlie girl, which thrills her hairdresser, seen slamming a red wig onto her wee head.
Long story short: everybody looks hot. Africa hot. *tsss* <--them. The highlights: Lisa’s a natural poser and Jay thinks her hiney looks cute. Jayla looks completely and utterly awkward to me. Nicole looks completely 1940’s, like Kate Beckinsdale or something, but Jay thinks she has no ass.
And Kim finally gets girlied up in a big red corset. At first she has difficulty staying out of masculine stances, but soon she finds her inner lotus bud. Jay stupidly says this is the most amazingly girlie she’s ever looked. Duh. Girl is wearing a corset and stockings! Of course she looks feminine! It’s the clothes! The clothes! *smacks back of hand into palm* Kim worries about being good enough. Annnd we’re done with the Kim segment.
Annnd then Kyle comes out. All are agog at her bod, most especially Nik, who feels all insecure next to the D Queen. <--cup size? Dairy? Or both? Buwahahahaha! She looks lovely and according to Jay, very Ashley Judd. The first little foreshadow into her fate comes when she asks Kim about her facial expressions, and Jayla gets more diary cam time to slam Kyle’s blank, mannequin-like face. Lastly, Bre laments the extreme pain of the corset and how it’s squishing her organs. Jay notes impatiently that Bre’s lack of oxygen for some reason causes her to lose focus. The nerve!
Possibly the most useless of all the Tyra mail: tomorrow they all meet with the judges to eliminate/harvest one of their own. Does this need to appear on a Tyra mail? Does it?
Lastly, pre-elim, all the girls head to the Venice Cantina where everybody dances and Nicole makes a naďve, drunk-seeming speech about missing whomever goes home, including herself. Kyle isn’t feeling happy, and Kim just wishes the judges would notice that she’s like, totally on fire. <--yes, she says this.
Jean King Softens Her Edge
Yada yada and it’s elimination time. Today’s little on-the-spot challenge: the judges want to know what’s sexy to YOU all, personally. Backstage, there are boatloads of accessories and they all get 3 minutes to put something together. Annnnd *gun shot* Go!
The girls race in a feverish frenzy akin to a Fashion Week runway show. Boobs are flying, clothes are torn, and the interpretive dance part of the competition begins.
Lisa's first, and parades in front of the judges in a white tank and jeans and starts to babble about theories and some dude coming up to her because she’s smokin’ hot. They love it. Twiggy: love. Nigel: you look like a model!
Nicole wears a strapless, shapeless black dress which works for no one but the completely horned up Nigel who calls it hippy sexy.
Bre’s wearing boxer briefs and a tank shirt, saying her man-whore would love her to be wearing something like that. Verdict: all force her to put her hair down and shake it. And wow, it's Kling-on lush. Gorgeous.
Kyle also wears a tank top, but she wears a flirty sort of short skirt that works for no one, and Nigel goes so far as telling Kyle that models need to be thinkers. <--another universal truth.
Jayla wears a criss cross, belly baring tank and crotch-tight faded jeans. According to all, this is smokin’ hot! Tyra says she’s blown away the competition. This always happens with a well placed camel toe.
Nik’s flowery and delicate in a little black dress with cut outs. No one thinks she's selling it.
Leave it to Kim to make Nigel want to hump a nearby trash can. He’s like, so very young, but still, down deep inside, you know he's an oversexed dirty old man. (A HOT but arrogant D.O.M.!) Anyhow, Kim comes out wearing some sort of semi-tennis get-up, does a spin, and flashes us boy short undies. Very cute. Nigel reacts: *insert vibrating trash can, visibly being humped by Mr. Peabody* The dude emits guttural, primal roars from deep in his throat and his “hoo-ha” practically pokes through the table. It’s sort of embarrassing to watch, like the dog you have that hasn’t been neutered yet, who goes into heat right in front of company and everybody pretends not to see the enormous boner so as not to spoil the dinner party.
The Queen of Cream Goes Back to the Dairy
Last but not least: the evals. Let’s fly through them like a hot knife through buttah!
Lisa’s first: b&w photo = fabu! Her brow is furrowed and people dig it. She looks like she’s selling Pirelli tires to me, and reminds me a wee bit of Johnny Depp. Not holding back: Lisa completely and utterly loves it. She hops and giggles at her own stunning coolness. And she rocked that Vargas photo like a pro, according to the peeps. Despite his inner coil of hatred for her, Nigel manages to be complimentary.
Bre: Everybody loves the savage b&w pic, and Jay says she looks pissed. Which apparently rules. Bre ends up admitting to freezing up on camera because she’s afraid of being imperfect. Annnd the Vargas photo is criticized, but I think she looks fabulous, especially with the Twiggy-loved leg-up on the car hood.
Jayla: girlfriend’s got a jacked-up pinky, and personally, I think she has he weakest pin-up photo. No one agrees with me, and the judges eat it up like the last cookie crumb.
Kyle: the b&w photo is savage, and makes Kyle look like she’s been walking the streets in search of meth, and/or is ready to pull a live, squirming salmon out of a nearby stream with her bare teeth. The Vargas photo, however, looks fantastic from afar, but suffers up close when we get to the empty-eyed close-up. Unseen, off camera, someone held a baby rattle.
Nik: she’s finally owning the sexy, and Nigel’s a believer (but again, trash can people. <--reminder of previous mention of trash can humping in this recap, NOT calling you all “trash can people”. ) Anyhow, raw and sexy b&w, haunting eyes, yada yada bing bang. And the consensus on the Vargas photo: you need more fat, girl.
Nicole: first off, everybody thinks she looks like a stunner in them both, but they’re hoping for more variety in expression. Tyra wants even more: an attitude adjustment for Nicole. Tyra’s beef: Nicole is given constructive criticism which she then proceeds, “to poop on”. This bugs all, and Nicole finally says she’s gonna change! All agree that the body is too slim in the Vargas photo.
Kim: Jay tells her she’s on the gender bender bus, and needs to pick a stop and get off. Kim giggles and says she’s been trying to girlie it up by spending time with the laydays of the house. She states that Kyle is her main ho in the house, and spending time with her is like spending 10 years in a female prison. Or something similar. Or maybe not, but she’s sure spending a lot of time with Kyle. Waaarning! *sing song voice* Kyle…she be in danger, girl. Annnnd finally, what we’ve all been waiting for: the judges stunned reaction to Kim’s Vargas photos. Um…what? They’re all freaking out over how feminine she looks. Here’s my beef: Um…is it typically very male to dress in corsets, fishnets and hey, maybe even some lederhosen? Answer: no (except on that last one. High school boyfriend. *sigh*). So I just don’t get why they’re all freaking out that she looks so womanly. Although, she looks totally hot. *tsss* <---this bacon sizzles just for HER!
Annnnd the end result: they love Kim’s new Snuggles soft cuddliness, think Nik is too nervous, say Nicole is an edgey teen, and Bre loses her *poof* in photos. The only thing for certain: they rake li’l Kyle through the coals.
Kim: you rah-hocked!
Nik: stay, think about being sxy and subtle with what the body God done give ya.
Jayla: pinky. And stay.
Nicole: you’re beautiful, make sure it goes all the way to your spleen. Humble and sweet is just as flattering as new chapstick!
Bre and Kyle: please, come face your doom. They step forward and Tyra explains why they both suck. Bre: you want it a lot, Kyle: fantastic, but you need to be more than a pretty face. You need to be a canvas, girl.
And the stay-er is…………Bre! She nearly passes out, Kim cries, and another one of her lady loves is sent packing. Kyle’s hurt and has no idea what to do now. Annnnd we’re out!
Next episode: inspirational visits by Eva, whom Kim immediately wants to nail/kiss. Thank God Eva can’t be voted out anymore. Also up: Lisa meets the “wild boys”, who she commences partayying with. And the best thing of all: mistress Snow will be back! Woo hoo!
In need of Emeril’s essence. firstname.lastname@example.org