OK, so let's just get this out of the way: I'm not your beloved SnowflakeGirl. I know this, and it's one of the main reasons I cry myself to sleep each night. Snowie is the epitome of FIERCE and she knows how to WORK IT. I have neither of these qualities. I am more like Coryn: Kind of sad, a tad defensive... and I look a bit like a man. (A really pretty man, though!) So let's all do ourselves a favor and set aside any expectations for a kick-ass Snow-cap today. After this is all over, maybe we can all get together and make a homemade greeting card to send to Snowie and her Snowman, congratulating them on renewing their marriage vows. I'll bring the construction paper, and you can bring paste. Together, we'll make something bee-yoo-tee-full! Deal?
Red Red Wine, You Make Me Feel So...Drunk
Nik squeezes out a few tears over Diane's elimination. Now that her closest friend in the house is gone, her plan is to step back and just be a "quiet girl" from here on out. Lisa plops into the occupied hot tub, adding a handful of dishsoap and making a whole lot of bubbles. She swigs some wine, and removes her top. She chugs some wine and makes funny faces. She swills some more and accuses Kyle of letting the bubbles own her, when she should be owning the bubbles. She polishes off her MUG of wine and stumbles out of the hot tub, mumbling that she doesn't understand why she doesn't have any friends. Jayla, the Jehovah's Witness who brings shame to all other Jehovah's Witnesses, tells the camera that at this point pretty much no one likes Lisa. She hopes Lisa will be eliminated this week.
Smush an Apple and a Pear, and Smear 'Em Like You Just Don't Care
Jay Manuel comes to the house and calls the girls into the kitchen, where a butcher block table is covered with bowls of produce and other food items. Kim wonders if they are having a cooking competition... or if maybe they are "playing housewives" today. Kinky! Jay interrupts Kim's feather-duster fantasies by introducing the first icon he ever worked with...Iman. Now it's time for the rest of the girls to wiggle with excitement. Jay holds up Iman's book...which, as he points out, even has Ms Tyra in it! Imagine that! Iman, seeming a bit nervous and using Jay as an emotional crutch, gives the girls some profound advice, in prose form: "It don't matter a thing if you don't have that skin." I guess it rhymed better when said with her accent, but really, she should leave the poetry to her husband.
Iman tells the girls there are many organic things in your own kitchen (she said ORGANIC, Kim, get your mind out of the gutter!) that you can use to improve your skin. The girls must use a recipe from Iman's book (that has Tyra in it!) to make their own face mask. The girls slather on...nasty...chunky and shiny smears. Jayla's in particular turns her into a Freddy Krueger look alike. This organic face mask talk leads in to their challenge for the day... they will be a guest on a mock talk show, and they need to sell the new "ANTM Honey Banana Face Mask". They are handed a sheet of 10 talking points to study, and Jay and Iman exit.
Excuse Me, Is That a Tomato in Your Face Mask?
The talk show host is Chris Spencer, who introduces himself as a 'comedian extraordinaire' who used to be a supermodel "before the fire." Har dee har har. He tells them they will have 3 minutes each for their interview, and must work 5 of the talking points into a natural conversation with him. Comedienne extraordinaire that he is, he will do his best to interrupt them with his stellar humor. Lisa swears she has the lines down and this is going to be a piece of cake for her. Excuse me for a second... FedEx is ringing my doorbell. Ooh, a delivery for me? *ripping open package gleefully* Hmmm...that's odd, I don't recall ordering this foreshadowing...
Back to the mock talk (malk?) show: Jayla is up first. She mentions the product name (ding!) and says that it has folic acid and vitamin C (ding!), and that it is really good for cleaning out your pores (ding!) Three points, but Chris says she was putting him to sleep. Next.
Coryn manages to mention that it is a facial mask (ding!) before Chris sidetracks her successfully. Bre doesn't get a single point in, as Chris starts right in on her tongue piercing. Kim mentions that it is a face mask and then Chris notices the notes written on her hand and disqualifies her. Nik says the brand name, but gets no further. Nicole's sole mention is that the bananas come from the hills of Caracas. Kyle slam dunks the gig when she gets five full items in the conversation - the last being that you can use it on your breasts (DING!). Uber-confident Lisa is up last, and lists the ingredients: banana, honey, cucumber and tomato. Then she backtracks and says it is just tomato. Somehow, she ends up doing the spanky-spanky dance, complete with a soundtrack of "uh! uh!"... and then her time is up. No surprise here: Kyle is the winner and she chooses Nicole to share the reward with her. They get to co-host The Fabulous Life of...Supermodels on VH1, counting down the top five supermodels.
Cat Fight! Cat Fight!
Backstage, everyone teases Lisa about her dance, and Coryn tells her she needs to find a new move. This leads to a showdown where Lisa tells Coryn that she needs to stop hatin', Coryn tells Lisa that she is through with her, Lisa says pretend like I don't exist, Coryn says then shut up and I will. It's all very middle school, until Lisa says Coryn is presenting herself like a moron, and Coryn retorts with, "then what are you doing, alcoholic bitch?" Ooooh girl, she took it straight to high school! *snaps* But... that's it?! Coryn leaves, Lisa takes a drink from her cup, and the crowd disperses. Bo-ring.
In the stretch Hummer, Lisa says she realizes now she not surrounded with people who love her and care about her...and it bothers her, because she's never been truly hated before. Or maybe, and this is just me talking, MAYBE she's never been sober long enough to notice it? I'm just saying. Nik makes it clear that she can't tolerate the drama, and is not going to get involved. Later, Jayla and Nicole have a private talk by the pool about how at least half the people in the house hate Lisa and that the blow up with Coryn was bound to happen because Lisa keeps doing stupid things. Jayla remarks that it is so like high school here. I just have to say, it's nice to see a pleasant young woman like Jayla is able to recognize the harmful drama around her and take measures to keep herself away from the toxic people.
Unicorns and Rainbows Are Cool, Too
Kyle and Nicole are shooting the VH1 show by the pool (and looking like stiff little automatons in my opinion). Lisa lies on the bed and complains to a nearby Nik (who is busy with watercolors, painting "LOVE" on her...Trapper Keeper? How old is this chick again?!) As Lisa goes on and on about how much better she would have been at the VH1 gig, the director pops his head in and asks her to keep it down for thirty seconds. Like Janice D. before him, he seems to recognize the true annoyance that is Lisa and gives her a pretty hard time...mocking her harshly before he leaves. As he congratulates Kyle and Nicole for a job well done, Lisa's eyes roll so far back in her head, I have a sudden panicking flashback of Rebecca and her Nestea Plunge of last season. Oh wait - she was just being a bitch. No need to call the paramedics.
She's Crazy and She's Kooky
And without further ado.....It's wine time (again)! Lisa uncorks a bottle of red and proceeds to gettin' stoopid. She's belching, knocking over her goblet, and dancing on the bed. She goes to the kitchen for a refill while the other girls huddle to talk about her. Lisa, feeling the lack of Lisa-love in the house, retreats outside and ends up drunk in a lounge chair by the pool, talking to Cousin It... her name for a large hairy bush nearby. Bre finally takes pity on her, and goes out to bring her in the house for the night.
Lisa gets on the phone with her boyfriend (who incidentally sounds like a 45 year old man) and starts to hyperventilate and cry. Meanwhile, Bre is camera-talking about how Lisa is taking in every comment and every argument, regardless of how confident she is. Bre knows they are all under more stress and have more anxiety than they ever have had in their lives before, and feels some empathy for Lisa. While her boyfriend tries to get Lisa to hold her breath, Bre comes in to talk Lisa off the ledge.
Tyra Gives The Girls Some Ad-Vice
It's another day, another visitor - this time, Tyra. She sits the girls down and wants to talk to them about...vices. What a coincidence! She asks if any of them are dealing with vices of any kind. Bre volunteers that sleep is her vice, and Tyra nods indulgently and then asks if anyone smokes. Jayla and Kim raise their hands, and Tyra says 98% of models smoke or have smoked - it is something they do to keep their weight off. Tyra mentions that her grandmother died of lung cancer at age 50. Even at a superficial level of harmfulness, Tyra says smoking will cut the attractiveness of your face in half. Do you hear that, kids? Don't smoke. It cuts things in half... like your life, and your face. Tyra wonders if there are any other vices in the house, and Lisa says she drinks wine. Tyra jokingly asks "You're a wino?" and Lisa agrees. Tyra is a bit taken aback and thought Lisa would describe herself less negatively, but Lisa says, yes, she's a wino. However, when asked if she has to drink every day, Lisa says no, and goes on to say that when she has a glass of wine the feeling is nice and relaxing. She doesn't mention the effects of entire bottles of wine. Tyra asks if she drinks to get drunk, and Lisa shakes her head no, while everyone else looks on in disbelief. Even Tyra looks a bit skeptical, and she leaves rather abruptly. Kyle is pissed that Lisa was lying right to Tyra's face.
Can I Tell You a Secret? Jayla's Not as Nice As I Thought!
Tyra Mail comes and says "How well can you juggle? Be ready at 8 o'clock a.m. Lisa talks to the confessional camera and says that she has been on an emotional roller coaster, but this competition means alot to her and she is throwing in all her chips - and that hopefully it will work out for her in the end. Arriving at the studio, Mr. Jay tells them that today they will be doing a multi-faceted promotion for Secret Platinum Antiperspirant. They will be working a typical day of a model, doing a photo shoot, commercial shoot and then a press interview back to back (to back.) He introduces the commercial director, Bill Heuberger, and the photographer for the still shoot, Jason Wilheim, who has a very creepy, no-upper-lip smile Jay tells the girls that today they will get to put their own personal twist on the commercial by including one of their secrets. Let's get to work.
Everyone is busy getting their hair did, and Bre is rehearsing, including her individual line: "What's my secret? I'm afraid of the dark, and I sleep with a nightlight." Sweet Jayla sits nearby, reading a magazine. Lisa shoots the commercial first, and does a really good job. Her secret: she tells herself she's beautiful, every single day. I would have loved to see her say she drinks a bottle of wine, every single day... but that would have interferred with her denial. Jay tells her that her shoot is relatable, and Lisa walks away knowing she nailed it. She beams her way through the photo shoot, and goes into the interview with Ryan Devlin of Entertainment Tonight. She mentions that as an Italian, she's naturally a sweaty person, and Secret does the job for her. She even invites Ryan to sniff her pits. Italians everywhere are not sure if they should be pleased with the recognition, or just irritated that their dirty little secret is out of the closet.
Jayla narrates the next segment, a montage of the girls going through the 3-step process. She reveals that they only had 10 minutes to complete each portion of the shoot. Nicole shoots her commercial, and her secret is she eats ice cream in bed (let me guess...vanilla?) Kyle badly over-emotes during her shoot. Bre tells Ryan that he's got beautiful eyes and she thinks she has a crush on him. Coryn totally chokes during the commercial portion and can't get past her sad, withdrawn facade until Jay makes her laugh - then she actually does a decent job.
Next, we see Nik and Jayla talking to Jay - seems like Jayla is using "I'm afraid of the dark" as her secret, too, and Nik wants to know if it's okay that they both have the same secret. He says if it truly is your secret, then stick with it. Bre notes that their secrets are a tiny bit different, as hers includes the nightlight bit. Nik secretly thinks that Jayla stole her secret and is now worried about how her perfomance is going to go. Jayla shoots her commercial, and in the second take, switches her secret to include "and I sleep with a nightlight". Bre is pissed, but in a very mellow and understated way, as she is too busy working up a monumental case of stage. She blows her commercial, and then carries that feeling of defeat all the way through the rest of the tasks. Nik nevers says anything to Jayla about the secret business, as she says she is a firm believer in karma.
Smells Like Teen
Back at the mansion, and Jayla is having another poolside bitch session, this time with her former biggest enemy: Lisa. Jayla says she is so sick of Nik giving her the cold shoulder, and Lisa asks if Jayla has any idea why that may be. Jayla acts innocent, and asks Lisa to enlighten her. Lisa gently points out that Jayla and Nik had the exact. same. secret. Jayla gets huffy, and says it's ridiculous that Nik is mad about a little thing like that. She tells Lisa that it's stuff like that that makes her realize how few friends she is going to have from the house after this all over. Next thing we see is Jayla ranting to the camera "I'm so sick of being in the house with some one who's stupid like that...just STUPID!" all while clenching her fists. She mimics a knife slicing across her throat and declares that Nik is officialy on her bad side. "And I predict in the future, if we are together long enough, something big is gonna happen. Mark my words; it will happen." At this point, I am getting a little scared of Miss Thing.
Tyra mail announces that one of them will be eliminated today, and Coryn confesses that she is really nervous because she knows she did not perform well in the commercial shoot. Nik says she will be crushed if she is eliminated, and that she simply can't go home yet. Jayla is still ranting to the camera still that she dislikes, nay, borderline hates Nik, and she hopes that Nik keeps up with her nice-girl-with-no-personality act so she will be eliminated tonight. I'm confused. A few paragraphs ago, Jayla wanted Lisa out, but now she wants Nik gone. All because Jayla couldn't think of a good secret of her own.
Unfortunately, Karma Is Not a Bitch
It's time for eliminations and Tyra runs through the laundry list of prizes. The guest judge tonight is Bill Heuberger, the commercial director. The girls learn that the best photo of the shoot will be used in an actual Secret Platinum ad campaign, and Lisa's looks like the cat that ate the canary. Actually, she might have actually eaten a canary, as there is a suspicious yellow feather tucked into her silver sequined headband...which goes lovely with her gold tube top and brown suede boots, might I add. But enough about Lisa and her attention-getting antics, lets get on with the critiques!
Nicole is up first: Nigel says her speaking voice is nice and that she is a diamond in the rough. Her ET interview was a bit unnatural, but her photo is truly beautiful.
Tyra critique's Jayla's commercial for the winky-wink model thing she does during her (stolen) secret. Twiggy applauds how many times Jayla got in the brand name during her interview. Her photo is good and gets approval from everyone but Nigel. Personally, I think she has scary Mary-Kate Olson duck lips in the photo.
Coryn has a so-so commercial, a melancholy interview but a great photo. Tyra says she nailed it. No other comments from the judges.
Kyle's commercial is too sing-songy, according to Twiggy. Bill says he would have cut out Kyle's pointing gesture had this been for an actual commercial shoot. Her interview was very natural and conversational, but her photo is deemed not strong enough. Twiggy alone defends it, saying it's beautiful.
Bre's commercial (her secret: she loves men's underwear!) is called very cute and real. Miss J asks for a boxers-or-briefs clarification. She says "boxers, baby." I had no idea Bre was so flirtatious! Her interview is also very natural, but in her photo she looks bored. Nigels says it looks like she has a bad smell on her lip.
Kim's commercial is liked, other than her horrible HORRIBLE posture. She looks like her spine was surgically removed. Nigel says there is something wrong with Kim- but it works, so don't lose it. She gives an anecdote during her interview that gets applause from Tyra. Her picture is "gorgeous" but Tyra says they had to retouch her arm because she squooshed it.
Lisa is up next, and Nigel asks her what happened when she got dressed. Tyra says the getup so wrong it's right, and she actually doesn't mind it. Tyra actually gets teary eyed from Lisa's commercial, and it is deemed the best of the bunch. Bill says she had the most raw talent of the bunch. Lisa deftly turned a question around during her interview, to the approval of the judges. And to complete a perfect trifecta, they also love her picture.
Nik is last, and Tyra notes her nervousness. Her commercial is called too stiff and rehearsed. She admits that the one thing she is afraid to do is talk to a camera. In her interview, she confesses another secret: she has BO, but Secret Platinum actually makes her feel fresh. Tyra likes that she was straight up about her funkiness, but it was TMI for Twiggy. Her picture is pretty good, but she unfortunately posed in a way that makes it look like her head is being impaled by her high heel. Tyra tells Nik she has the weakest photo, while Jayla smirks in the background. Nik says it's no excuse, but she felt betrayed. Tyra and Nigel ask for elaboration, and Nik decides to clam up and say it was no big thing. Nigel calls her a fortress.
Jayla: Nigel thinks she looks cross-eyed in her photo, but Tyra thinks her face looks magical.
Nik: Miss J says he doesn't see top model there. Bill says she's not beautiful, but she is sexy.
Nicole: Nigel again calls her a diamond in the rough.
Kyle: Twiggy says she is lovely, but a bit ordinary for her taste.
Kim: Nigel says there is something about her that leaves the viewer wanting more.
Coryn: Twiggy really likes her. Bill says she makes him like her because she's so sad. Nigel asks when was the last time you booked someone because you felt sorry for them?
Bre: She is deemed cute in person, but it doesn't translate to a picture.
Lisa: Miss J loved her interview and says she will never be the girl to say 'no comment.' Nigel says there is something about her that leaves you wanting more, but he also can't stand her. Sometimes I wish Nigel would just say what he means and stop being so darn ambiguous!
What's Worse? Being Sad or Being Scared?
The girls are called back in, and Tyra hands back photos, first to Lisa, telling her she rocked it but she is not getting the ad campaign Next to get photos are Jayla, Kim and Nicole, who IS getting the ad campaign! Take that Lisa! Last, Kyle and Bre get their photos, and Tyra mimics Kyle's overacting from the commercial and warns her to never do that again. This leaves Sad Coryn and Scared Nik on the hot seat.
Tyra calls them forward for the beheading. "Coryn, you stand before me so beautiful and so radiant. But you're so sad. Some of the judges said maybe we should save you from the cut throut world of modelling that would make a sad girl extremely depressed. Nik, the reason you are standing in front of me is because you were supposed to take a photo that was stripped and beautiful and you didn't rock it. In the commercial you were stiff and rehearsed. But in the long run, we are looking for someone who is comfortable speaking into the camera, and you said that's your weakness." She pulls out Nik's photo, saying, "Nik, you have to work. You're still in the runnning to become Amercia's Next Top Model."
Coryn gestures everyone over and they all embrace her. Packing her bags, Coryn says it's a load off of her shoulders and she feels like she can breathe again. Her closing words are, "It's my time to go - there's a lot of other things out there for me - my life is gonna change."
Stay tuned next week, as the incredible, edible Shazzer is going to bridge the gap until our dear SFG returns from her second honeymoon. In the meantime, please leave all nice comments here in this thread, and send all criticisms to firstname.lastname@example.org - where I promise I will not throw them, unread, into the trash can.