She’s baaaack: yes, it’s the return of Janice Dickinson to AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL. Everyone’s favorite Cryptkeeper with a boob job is back, and she’s not only verbally, but sexually harassing all the girls now. Meanwhile, there’s an alcoholic in the house, a feud is brewing, and the girls get topless. Just another hour of good, wholesome, family fun on Tyra’s li’l model show. Let’s go to work.
Hurray for Boobies
In the limo, a gloomy Kim sits next to a slumped-over Kyle. Kim is sorry the last elimination came down to her and Sarah, and though of course she was happy to discover she’d be the one going on in the competition, part of her thinks Sarah might have been the candidate more deserving to stay. Kyle doesn’t say, but is surely thinking, she’s sorry her carpet no longer matches her drapes, since Kimmy’s got a predilection for blondes. Because in the John Hughes movie in my mind, Kyle is the best friend in love with the girl in love with the other girl—sort of a lesbian “Ducky” from Pretty in Pink (Triangle) [music cue: Isn’t sheee…pretty in pink…isn’t she?].
When the girls arrive home, they find a digicam in the house, oh-so-conveniently placed near the hot tub which is oh-so-conveniently in the living room. It proves to be catnip for a bunch of oh-so-conveniently attention-starved and oh-so-scantily-clad model wannabes who immediately start to mug for the camera (like the first shot, which just happens to be Kim palling around with a towel-clad Kyle).
Jayla suggests, “Let’s take some topless ones,” and it doesn’t take much to get these girls undressed, as Bre pops her top off before Jayla has barely finished her sentence. Next thing you know, it is a HOTT pixellation party, with Nicole, Lisa, Bre, and Jayla all lined up together on a platform in nothing but their chonies, as Diane snaps away. The straight male viewers gasp, Our fantasies have at long last been confirmed! That’s right, boys, it’s what all women do when we’re alone. We’re not sitting in sweat pants, eating straight out of the ice cream carton, and talking about the stupid things you do at all—we’re half-dressed and giggling, engaged in semi-erotic pillow fights, spanking one another with purple velvet cat o’nine tails and recording it all on camera for you. [Breathy whisper:] Call me now...Oops! Sorry, got confused and thought this was my other job, heh heh!
Diane starts directing the girls to pose on the staircase, and plays the photographer and art director all in one. Nicole says, “Diane didn’t want to be in the pictures, I think that’s why she was the ringleader.” Diane reflects on what it’s like to be the only curvilicious plus-sizer in the house competing with a bunch of skinny minis—she is ever aware that she’s different.
The last pose of the night is all the girls in various states of undress flanking Kim, in her favorite pose, that odd squat she unveiled in the premiere: “Football Player Taking Dump.” Surrounded by her bitches, it’s true what Diane says, “Kim, you look like a pimp.” Somebody get this Mack Mama a cane, a floppy leopard-print hat, and some goldfish platforms, because Kim’s got it made in the pimptastic shade.
Girl Drink Drunk
Lisa asks who wants to see her “secret bag,” which sadly does not contain pixie dust, flying fairies, and magical rainbows; instead, it turns out to be a gigantic stash of vices aplenty: cigarettes, booze, and God knows what all else, perhaps crack, smack, a hacksaw, a bunny rabbit, a rope of knotted handkerchiefs, a jar of Crisco—everything you need to have a good time. When 19 year old Nicole asks if Lisa will let her have a sip of some blurred-out alcohol that wisely did not see this as a good product placement opportunity, Lisa flatly says no. Lisa is not so much concerned about preventing underage drinking, as she is concerned about keeping all the liquor to herself. “I don’t want to share it with anyone,” Lisa says with a scowl.
Ah ha, so it turns out Lisa is a lush. As everyone knows, there are many different kinds of drunks: the loving drunk, the slutty drunk, the sloppy drunk, the puking drunk, the can’t-seem-to-stop-that-bitch-from-singing-Bohemian-Rhapsody-all-night drunk [sorry, that’s why I can’t drink in public anymore]. Anyhooch, this explains why Lisa is such a bitch with a capital “C.” She’s an angry drunk, in a potent combination with bossy drunk, and apparently she’s drunk every minute of the fracking day.
AlcohoLisa criticizes and bosses everyone around as she sips her rotgut out of a travel mug. Klassy! I never thought I’d ever agree with Cassandra on anything, but I’m starting to see what she meant about this one lacking certain…graces (flashback to bottle-swigging incident from the premiere with Robin Leach). This is the kind of girl that will chug OE straight out of the bottle and get into a stiletto fight with her ex-boyfriends’ new slam piece for fun.
“Lisa drinks and lets herself come out more,” Diane says, which reminds me a bit of that old Kids in the Hall skit, ‘Daddy Drank.’ Why can’t Lisa stop drinking? She can’t! She drinks for the Government! And you know what, some people just shouldn’t come out more [I’m sorry, this is why I can’t drink before recapping anymore]. “Bring Coryn out here!” Lisa bellows with an ‘Off with her head!” urgency; and just as summoned, Coryn appears at the door to be verbally abused by Lisa, who is criticizing Coryn’s sporty, muscular body, and tells her, “You need to stop working out.” And you need a 12 Step Program, but not for alcohol so much as being a raging, importunate beeyatch! (The same one Martha Stewart needs.)
But Lisa believes she is “helping” her fellow modelettes when she says thing like: “For your advantage, it would be better if you just ate and didn’t work out.” Funny, that has been my daily regimen for years and, unbelievably, I have not yet gotten a Vogue cover—What gives? Coryn’s not buying it; she says to Lisa, “Why would I follow the advice of someone I’m competing with?” Smart cookie. Eat one. Then go sit on your ass and watch reruns of “Dead Like Me” on DVD. (For more on the SFG Workout, please contact 1-800-PIE-LUVR to learn more about the high carb diet/“PIE BO” exercise sensation that’s sweeping the nation.)
I Was Told There Would Be No Math
TyraMail proclaims: “Pluses and minuses – Who says models can’t do math? Be ready at 12:00 p.m.” [Shudder] There’s only one thing that scares me more than clowns, and that’s those floppy inflatable balloon men they have outside car dealerships. And there’s only one thing that scares me more than that—and that’s math. Fortunately,when the girls arrive at Smashbox Studios, a.k.a. the home of LA Fashion Week, we soon learn that math for models involves “turning your negatives into positives,” at least according to the John Nash Jr. of the fashion world, Mr. Jay.
Instead of a math lesson, however, Mr. Jay’s lecture strikes me more as history. Jay says they are sooo lucky to be models right now, because back in Twiggy’s day (the 60s, a land before time, when dinosaurs roamed the earth) “the women were more voluptuous and had a completely different look.” Skinny-as-a-twig Twiggy came along and changed all that forevah, Jay says reverently, as if the new panel judge were the Rosa Parks of the modeling. I’m sure Diane, not to mention anyone in the general population over the size of 2, is thinking, “Yeah thanks, you skinny little hag.”
Jay says that everyone has their flaw, but in modeling, they will have to learn to hide it. To help with the lesson, none other than Twiggy herself comes in to talk to the girls about her experience in modeling, detailing how a drastic haircut and a great photographer turned her pictures into some of the most iconic images of the 60s and a thin, little working class girl into an international superstar (take that, Cassandra). Moral of the story: “Use what you’ve got and be true to yourself.” Unless the panel tells you to be something completely different than what you are, right? Huh? What what what?
During Q&A, Bre reveals that her goal is to be a household name by the time she’s 25. Twiggy cautions her against merely chasing the fame and advises her to, instead, focus on simply doing well in the present. Diane is concerned about how to maximize her voluptuousness without looking too “porn star” and the Twigster reassures her that’s not a problem, adding “the camera sees deep…right into your soul.” Is that from a fortune cookie? It’s one of those things that sounds very profound, and yet doesn’t really answer the question at all.
Flaw Di Dah
Along with Dean and Davis Factor, co-founders of Smashbox Enterprises and Richard Gere impersonators (who are, yes, related to makeup legend Max Factor), Jay distributes a questionnaire to the ladies, who must describe what they feel are their own flaws—and also those of their competitors. The “anonymous” ballots are handed back, and Jay reveals their most remarked-upon flaws (with tips on how to improve/hide them): Jayla’s Fievel earflaps; Bre’s beaver-y bucktooth and Tyra-esque “fivehead”; Nicole’s pasty pallor; Diane’s petite-size personality; Nik’s “bubble eyes”; Lisa’s kooky cross-eyes (I’m surprised no one mentioned her weird, little Tic-Tac teeth); Kim’s “untoned ass and love handles,” (which Lisa proudly admits to writing) but Jay says is actually an illusion created by Kim’s narrow hips (he even grabs Kim’s ass just to make sure); Kyle’s neck can look short.
May I mention, for a moment, that Kyle has been sitting quite close to Kim all day sporting a tight t-shirt with odd pixellation spots around what are likely her [looks around nervously, then whispers] nipples. Furthermore, and this is the pièce de resistance, it’s emblazoned with the logo: “Natural Blonde”? Read between the lines, people—literally! Oh, she is so on Kim’s jock, I’ve been telling you!
Finally, they get to Coryn, about whom one person commented, “Too skinny for me, and muscular.” Coryn’s eyes shoot a barrage of angry daggers at Lisa, who is herself retaliating with a drive-by of mind bullets. One of the Factor Freres disagrees, remarking that Coryn has a great body for shooting—with a camera, that is, not mind bullets. Jay does say that would like to see a soft look from Coryn, whose face gets even harder as she defensively cries, “That’s what I don’t get though, how am I supposed to be soft?!!”
In the dressing room, Coryn has finally hit max capacity for all the poop she’s willing to take from her good buddy Lisa. There is a confrontation. True to stoic form, Coryn doesn’t scream or yell, but simply says “I just do not like you,” and asks that Lisa simply not talk to her anymore. Kyle thinks it’s great that Coryn stood up to Lisa, and the rest of the girls rally around Coryn’s decision too. “Everyone let her be mad at me,” Lisa says, “And I just think it’s messed up.” It doesn’t occur to Lisa for one second that her own, big, piranha-teethed mouth might be to blame for this situation; but then I’m sure the alcohol just dissolves any feeling of responsibility.
What a Girl Flaunts
TyraMail says they will “Accentuate the negative,” and the next day Miss J. meets the girls for an interesting shoot. Photographer Jay Goldman tells them that today they will be directing him, telling him what angle they would like for him to shoot them in order to accentuate their biggest flaw, then hide their flaw.
Bre asks Jay to take a straight-on head shot to show off her big chompers and wide forehead, and if you ask me that first (flaunt) shot looks better than the unsmiling Excedrin headache commercial of her second (hide) shot. Diane asks for a full length shot where she will NOT use her curves to sexy advantage, and although I personally think Diane dresses herself more flattering than anyone else on the show, it’s true she’s not flaunting that brickhouse to full effect; in fact, her second shot looks almost exactly the same as her first shot to me.
Jayla’s ears look prominent in both shots, but it really would not be an issue if she just swept her hair over them. Nik’s two pictures both look insanely babely to me, maybe because I don’t mind her “bug eyes” at all. Coryn is giving you Linda Hamilton/Terminatrix masculine muscularity in her first shot, then a girly ‘ohmigodlikenoway’ flirty-mall-rat head tilt in the next. Lisa’s lazy eye is corrected with a head tilt. Nicole’s pale skin is more in the photography, but in her second pic she sweeps her long hair in front of her body and hides her arms (what I also like to call “The Gia Track Mark Technique”).
Kyle, while talking to the photographer, certainly acts like a “Natural Blonde” (or perhaps an airplane glue sniffer) when she confuses what she’s supposed to be doing in each picture. As with Nik, however, in Kyle’s case I think both the pics look gorgeous, neck-less or no. As for Kim’s session, well she puts it best: “I looked so much like ‘Where’s Waldo,’ it’s scary.”
Photographer Jay decides to give today’s prize to No-Neck Kyle, who picks Kim and Coryn to join her in hot lesbian three-way action (we all hope). In actuality, they end up with a lovely spa day, which is still a great way to get them out of their clothes and rubbed with oils by strangers. Legally. Coryn says it was nice for the three of them to have quality time together, since they are the three left who get along the best: Yup, that’s the woman who looks like a man, the woman with the man’s name, and the actual out-and-out lesbian. Anyone here surprised by that? Didn’t think so. The good times keep rolling with some nice, relaxing Lisa-bashing, such as talking about how old she looks, and debating whether it’s the sun or the alcohol that’s drying her out. That part might have been even more satisfying than the massages.
Extreme Makeover: Janice Edition
TyraMail says “sometimes you have to fake it till you make it.” If they’re talking about orgasms with a craggly booking agent named Morty, then ewww. Instead of Morty in his polyester leisure suit, they are greeted by Mr. Jay on a set made to look like a hospital room, filled with all kinds of medical doo-dads and surgical doo-hickeys [actual doctor’s terminology]. Is Tyra going to chop them to bits, and use all their best features to create the ultimate FrankenModel?!!
Lucky for the girls, there will be no real cutting today. Dr. Jay informs them that today’s shoot will be a “high fashion, edgy” send-up of extreme makeovers. Who better to capture the slings and arrows of outrageous plastic surgery than that big, beautiful hunk of plastic herself: former judge and “supermodel turned master photographer,” THE Janice Dickinson.
The judging panel’s “First Supermodel” looks good, although one eye looks a little strange and droopy and I can’t figure out if it’s bad plastic surgery or if she’s just drunk. Or both. The girls freak out and Jayla actually gets down on her knees and kowtows before her greatness. Lisa is excited, thinking Janice is the sort of supermodel that she most resembles. If by that she means they both share a constant blood-alcohol level of 0.38 and an unchecked tongue, then yes, they are quite alike.
Janice says that she’s “not the bitch anymore” but the photographer, and says that she’s “the kind of person that just doesn’t go away.” Is that supposed to be a good quality? Can’t the same be said of the Bush dynasty or a case of herpes? I’d forgotten how much I missed Miss Dickinson’s feisty foolery on panel, however, and it is quite nice to see her put some wannabe model ass in its place.
The girls will portray the following: Lisa=facelift; Bre=cheek implants; Jayla=butt implant; Kyle=lip implant (perhaps to pump her up to some Sarah-sized smooching with Kim!); Nik=hair extensions; Nicole=fake tan; Kim=boob augmentation; Diane=boob reduction; Coryn=Botox.
As the girls are prepped in hair and makeup, Janice comes in to get up close and personal with the girls. Very up close and personal. Like in their crotches kid of up close and personal. Janice, perhaps sensing Kyle’s latent lesbian tendencies, climbs right into Kyle’s lap in the makeup chair, and conducts a conversation with her milkers practically shoved into Dairy Queen’s face. Kyle seems uncomfy and says Janice is “a little bit intimidating,” although we all know she’s only resistant because she’s in love with Kim (in the episode of “All My Womyn” in my imagination). Janice thinks it’s “hot” that Kim is a lesbian; when Bre asks for a kiss, Janice lays a smackeroo right on her lips; and Coryn likes that Janice doesn’t “beat around the bush”—I swear to God there’s more girl-on-girl action here than an episode of “The L Word.”
When Lisa approaches Janice, Janice says, “I’m detecting a little bit of attitude from you.” Reeeooooowwwwwrrrrr! They can’t even talk for one full minute before the fur flies. Lisa and Janice do not get off on the right foot; there is palpable tension between them. When Lisa tries to make herself look better by putting down the other girls (Miss Cigarettes and Alcohol claims to be the healthiest out of everyone in the house), Janice immediately tells her to “Stop dissing the other girls!” Lisa has the nerve to claim she doesn’t diss anyone, so Coryn pipes up to say, Oh yes Miss Corn Kernel Teeth, oh yes you do! Janice chastises Lisa roundly in front of everyone, until tears spring to Lisa’s eyes. (I bet Lisa is the only girl who cries tears that are an 80 proof.)
Nik begins the shoot, and looks like a gorgeous, golden Rapunzel. However, there is one thing Janice doesn’t like: her dress! So Nik must get Nekkid, which transforms her into a lovely Lady Godiva, and she and Janice seem to get along very well on her shoot. In contrast, Kim, clutching pads of silicone, annoys Janice by only giving her “the same expression” every time; Janice yells that if Kim doesn’t start giving her more, she will refuse to shoot another frame. Kyle, posing with a hypodermic needle up to her poofy pout, is deemed “best so far” by Janice.
Bre gets her face beat with killer contour for her “cheek implants,” but Janice says she isn’t connecting with the camera. Coryn has major issues portraying “soft” no matter how much Janice yells at her. All the girls laugh over Lisa needing the “facelift,” with even sweet little Jayla skickering that “She’s gonna need one.” Lisa, despite being such an insufferable cooz, really delivers yet again. She is quite a wonder to watch pose; and when the peanut gallery jokes about her being alcoholic after Janice tells her not to pose like she’s drunk, Janice says, “Any remarks from the sidelines is nothing but jealous; this girl’s a star.”
Nicole finds her fake tan “disgusting” but Janice finds her “amazing,” kisses her and says, “I was happy to shoot you.” Jayla’s stuffed booty just looks stupid big, and Jayla gets a back ache from her butt being in the air the whole time. The tape job they used to reduce Diane’s boobs is so painful, she starts crying before her shoot even begins. Jay tries to console her, and Diane goes on as best she can. Diane thinks she “pulled it through” but Janice only senses “a huge sense of insecurity.”
When the day is done, Janice sends them off with a warning not to talk behind each other’s backs, asserting that her success was due to her “being a sister to my next model.” Please excuse me, just a second…[Excuses self to go to laugh ass off.]
Back at home, TyraMail speaks of the elimination yet to come. The girls all sit around the dining table for supper, except for [music cue: One…is…the loneliest number…that you ever kneeeww….] Lisa, who sits all by her lonesome at a little table in the other room. Well, I guess you’re never truly alone when you have your best friend alcohol by your side.
Always the Plus Size, Never the Top Model
Elimination time again. In Tyra’s picture this week, she is apparently portraying some kind of epicanthic eye surgery which has made her Asian [music cue: Turning Japanese…I think I’m turning Japanese…I really think so!]. Joining the panel today are guest judges Dean and (I keep wanting to call him DeLuca) Davis Factor. I guess they didn’t want Twiggy and Janice to have to be in the same room together, for fear they might annihilate each other like when matter and antimatter meet.
This week they conduct simulated go-sees in which the girls must convince the panel that they can turn their flaws into an advantage. There are quite a few mumbles and stumbles, which the judges discuss during evaluation.
Evals start with Diane (who dressed herself in an outfit that’s much more flattering than any they have given her on the show). The judges feel she is “nervous” and “embarrassed.” Nigel says that she needs a “plus size personality” and Tyra talks about how she must work harder than the other girls. Tyra posits that it’s even tougher being a big girl than a black girl in the biz these days, pointing out, “You’ve got to be bubblier, you’ve got to be more loveable, your pictures have to be better…” Obviously the competition is not being conducted on a level playing field, Tyra, so why why why do you insist on pretending plus size girls ever have a chance on this show? The good news is that Diane’s photo is lovely; “classy” is how one of the Factors describes it.
Tyra takes a moment to mention the shots were done by Janice Dickinson. Nigel remarks, “I always think models make the best photographers,” and then we are treated (and when I say that, I really mean, it’s a treat—schwing!) to drool-inducing shots of Nigel back in the day when was a model o’ magnificent man meat himself.
Kim is told that when she is asked to pose, she shouldn’t have to talk about her pose the entire time she is posing. I’m figuring that might also make her a poor mime. Her picture is not a hit, even though La TyTy uses it as a public service announcement to inform everyone that her TaTa’s are real-real. Miss J. takes a line from Janice’s old playbook, describing Kim’s hands as looking like “catcher’s mitts” and Tyra thinks she looks “paralyzed.”
On to Lisa, whom the panel derides for having called attention to so many of her different flaws, however her face lift photo is “beautiful” and Tyra mentions how impressed she was by the “subtle changes” Lisa was able to provide from frame to frame. Coryn is criticized for her air of sadness at the go-see, and Miss J. advises she practice smiling in the mirror; her picture, however, gets high marks from the judges, who tell her she’s “definitely photogenic.”
Kyle’s lip injection pic is another panel favorite, earning a “fierce” from Tyra who particularly appreciates the connection in the eyes. Jayla’s rumpshaker pic, which contains a clever nod to J.Lo (whose picture is on the wall in the photo), is also accepted positively by the judges who like the versatility they see in her, as she goes from “safe” to “punk/rock‘n’roll.” Tyra feels like Nicole is resting on her “pretty” laurels and not “pushing through.” Twiggy finds Nik “totally in control” of her picture, and Nigel declares, “I’ve never seen a girl so hairy look so gorgeous.” I want to make a German porno joke sooo badly, but I’m sure you’re sick of them by now.
The panel notices Bre seems “down” this week. Bre remarks that it’s the competition itself that has broken her spirit. Tyra gives her a little lesson about fame, telling her to imagine what it will be like when she is famous, and there’s Joan Rivers ripping apart your red carpet outfit, you’re on a worst-dressed list, there’s “chat rooms dedicated to the ‘I Hate Bre’ fan club,” or people on message boards start scrutinizing and criticizing your every—hmm, yeah that would suck [looks guilty]. Anyway, that’s fame, baby, so if you’re not, as Bre says, “used to hearing criticism like this on a regular basis” then you’d better start getting used to it. Her picture, however, is divine. Twiggy says it could be seen in any high-fashion magazine, and I particularly love the angles of her pose.
The judges do that deliberation thing they do [music cue: Youuu…doin’ that thing you dooo…] and return to kill some poor girls’ dream. But first, Tyra and her real and fabulous boobs hand back photos to the lucky ones who are here to stay: Kyle, Jayla, Nik, Lisa, Nicole, Kim, and Coryn.
Bre and Diane step up for the Traditional Tyra Tongue-Lashing and Eye-Flutter. Tyra she says it’s between the girl who might not be capable of handling the toughness of the fashion industry versus the “ball of fire that’s…just kind of glimmering…softly.” Ooh, waxing semi-poetic there, Tyra. The one who gets another chance at proving she’s tough enough to be the next Top Model is…Bre.
Diane stifles her tears and politely thanks the panel for the opportunity she’s been given. It’s rather sad to get the boot after having produced your best picture yet, but she proves she can make a classy exit by looking at this all as a learning experience. “And I guess I have a little bit more to learn,” she says with a smile. Adios, Diane, y buena suerte!
Even recappers need a vacation, and I, your humble servant SnowflakeGirl, am sailing away for the next two weeks, where I am happy to announce I will be renewing my marriage vows with the wonderful man who has put up with me for five long years. And you think it’s tough just putting up with my nonsense once a week! In the meantime, I leave you in the more than capable hands of master recappers Totoro and Shazzer. In fact, you may not even want me back at all! [single tear leaves trail down cheek] If you should find yourself missing me just a widdle-biddy bit, you can still send me mail at snowflakegirl@fansofrealitytv. com. See you in a fortnight!