ANTM Ep. 3 Recap: The Skeezers Who Scoped Out the Competition
This week, America’s Next Top Model tries something novel and decides to be a real modeling competition and not a soap opera or a porno. Okay, maybe there’s a little bit of drama, and just a pinch of porn, but guess what folks, this week it’s actually about the modeling! Plus, it’s the ever-popular makeover episode, how could you miss this?
The show opens with our bleary-eyed modelettes waking up in their Bel Air digs. Sarah (a.k.a. “Hot Lips”) is relieved that she narrowly avoided being ejected from the competition, while Kim (“The Token Lesbian”) and Lisa (“Fiesty Firebrand”) ponder life without the “Pretty Gene” (and no, I don’t mean Hackman).
Then, as if LL Cool J were narrating a Discovery™ Channel program, Ebony (“Twisted Sistah”) explains the habits of the wily North American Would-Be Top Model, “You can’t underestimate for one second, one of these skeezers here. If you show weakness, they’re gonna pounce on you like a pack of hyenas to a carcass.”
When TyraMail commands them not to “bitch and moan about this hairy situation,” everyone knows what’s coming up. The girls know, you know, I know, your grandma knows. Yup, you guessed it. For the next challenge, the girls will have to “perform” in a special scene with hirsute porn legend Ron Jeremy. That’s right, skeezers, shut the hell up and do whatever Tyra says you must in order to won this competition!!!
Okay, actually the girls suspect it is makeover time, and the first sure sign that at least one person is going to get the drastic Tyra Treatment is when Cassandra (“Sociopathic, Bum-Killing, Robotic Beauty Queen from the Land of Awesome Chicken Fried Steak“) states firmly that she’s absolutely perfect and therefore does not need much making over. “I am so confident in the way I look, and I think I present myself very well,” sayeth the girl in the shirt emblazoned loudly with her own name, “I have a great natural beauty and I don’t think you really have to change much to enhance that.”
The girls are whisked off to salon, but not just any $10 chop shop, it’s the Louis Licari Hair Salon where they meet the master of color himself, celebrity hair guru Mr. Louis Licari. Tyra and Mr. Jay are also there to tell them that today they are going to be turned into “bling top models.” When Jay mentions that Linda Evangelista become a supermodel when she cut her hair very short, a few girls look around nervously, like Sarah (a.k.a. “Giganomouth”), whom I can’t help but notice is standing right next to Kim (“Sarah’s Fiancée).
Tyra tells the girls what’s in store: Nicole (“Whiney McComplainerson”) is going to get a weave as curly and voluminous as a fluffy cup o’ ramen noodles; Coryn (“Big Bad Brows”) is going blonde; Diane (“BooBoo’s Beatdown”) will get a wheat-colored ‘do; Lisa (self-dubbed “Chameleon”) is told by Licari himself that going a richer shade of chocolate will make her blue eyes pop, a prospect that disappoints her as she was looking forward to something more drastic; Ebony (“Henson Muppet on Acid”) will get long braids; Kyle (“Dairy Queen Darling”) will be getting down with the brown; Jayla (“Jehoho’s Witness”) will get a long weave; Kim (“Just One of the Guys”) looks a little apprehensive that Tyra might do something gonzo like give her Rapunzel locks but then is told they like her hair as it is, except they want her to go red; Sarah (“Yes Her Lips are Real and They’re Fabulous”) will get an “edgy, symmetrical haircut”; Nik (“Honey Child”) is going “brighter” and “sunkissed” to match her honey complexion; Bre (“Le Frommage”) is getting straightened out.
That leaves one person, Miss Cassandra. Tyra tells her in so many words that she is tired of the perfect, prefab Beauty Queen exterior, and wants her to be less “bland” and “safe.” “Have you ever seen that movie, Rosemary’s Baby?” Tyra asks. You bet your tannis root, I have. For those of you have not, I might like to point out the hilarity of Tyra choosing one of the 60s’ creepiest horror movies as a beauty reference for Cassandra. Well, Tyra wants to give Cassandra the “Mia Farrow,” basically the very short, boyish crop that the actress popularized.
Then something shocking happens. What’s this leaking from her steely blue eyes, my God are those tears? Cassandra cries over the thought of losing the hair that she loves. Tyra, Delilah to Cass’s Samson, assures her that “your face is strong enough to handle that.” As Cass weeps, there is a hush in the room as most of girls stare, absolutely stunned to see Soulless Robobitch actually showing emotion, although it’s all a few of them can do to keep from smirking over Cass finally getting her comeuppance (I see you back there, Coryn).
Before getting on with the chop-chop, Tyra says at the end of the makeovers the girls will be doing a photo shoot in which they must represent their new looks “to the tenth power.” Wait a minute, I was told there would be no math in this recap. In a dub that’s worse than a 70s Italian horror film, Jay says he’ll give them assignments as to what their new looks are.
As the makeovers commence, Sarah tries to comfort her, as does Lisa in her own, non-comforting way, i.e. by yelling “If that’s how your hair has you’re your whole life, then it needs to go!” Cassandra remains inconsolable, even as the stylist reassures her, and by the time the shears actually start slicing into her hair, Cassandra can’t even look, and instead she continues sobbing like he’d hacked off one of her limbs. Jay comes over to check on Cass, and he gently reminds her what she said in her audition tape: “I am really easy to work with, and I think photographers and makeup artists will love me, because I will do what you tell me.” Caught on tape!
Cassandra keeps a sour puss as one of the colorists chats her up about the movie which inspired her new do, describing it as “freaky” and explaining that Mia Farrow’s character is pregnant. Despite not having ever seen it, Cassandra grumbles, “With the devil’s baby?” Cassandra’s not scared of the devil’s baby, she is the devil’s baby. But take a whack at her hair and she’s reduced to a quivering mass of jelly. Call it her Achilles’ hair, if you will.
Meanwhile in Makeoverville, Lisa loves her new haircut, and Jay decides that instead of going darker as planned, he wants to turn her into a “believable blonde.” Those two words coming out of Jay Manuel’s mouth make me have to stop my tape and guffaw for a good 16-17 minutes straight. Meanwhile, Kim feels her new red color compromises her personal style by being “too feminine.” “No boy has this color hair,” Kim gripes. And somewhere, off in the distance, Danny Bonaduce is weeping.
After Jay sticks his finger up her nostril, Bre gets her nose hair trimmed (talk about full service!). And in another part of the salon, Ebony is surrounded by a passel of people (Waatani, Lorgh, and Latanya—weaveologists, or Starship crew?), who are working their fingers to the bone to get her mini-micro braids in. Alright for Ebony, that ain’t cheap! Meanwhile, Jayla whips around her Morticia weave as peroxide-headed Cassandra looks on, tortured.
Jay starts assigning personas: Bre is “ghetto fabulous”; Nicole, “90s wideyed supermodel”; Lisa, “supermodel with a twist” (though that twist is never defined, I mean what could it be, a penis, a churro?); Sarah, “Ralph Lauren chic”; Kim, “femme boy” (not, to be confused with “femme bot” which used to be Cassandra’s territory); Jayla, “Yves St. Laurent chic”; Diane gets the bland label “dressy casual”; Coryn, who I think looks surprisingly good blonde, is simply “sophisticated”; Kyle gets another dumb moniker, “Chanel with an edge”; Nik, “bohemian chic”; Ebony, after 13 hours in the chair, is “sophisticated with an edge”; and Cassandra is “mod with an edge.” What are these twists and edges, people? Meaningless fashionspeak!
Overall, perhaps because Licari was involved, the makeovers this cycle are almost universally flattering—no egregious missteps in color, as in past seasons, and the changes really do seem to brighten and improve each girl’s look. Yes, even Cassandra, though she might not know that yet.
JUST SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP
Back at the mansion after a long day, TyraMail says, “Get ready to rack up some fashion cred.” So apparently this cycle’s TyraMail is authored by Captain Obvious.
Cassandra is still fussing, and says to everyone that she so misses her hair that she’s considering sleeping with her chopped-off ponytail in bed. Alright, Drama Queen, enough; you don’t see Coryn telling everyone cuddling up with the leftovers of her monster-brows, or Bre with her old nose hair, now do you?
Cassandra continues to mourn for her hair all day and night, much to the displeasure of everyone. She drives everyone to such distraction that one of the few escapes is in the confessional, or “Intimates Room,” where Nicole and Ebony use creepy little black and white puppets to act out their rage against Cassandra’s non-stop monologue.
Even in the morning, Cassandra’s still broadcasting her unhappiness to everyone and their brother. In fact, she’s excited the phone is now working because, having run out of people to torture in the house with her shrill, high-pitched whine, she’s anxious to call everyone at home and bitch to them too. “You’re gonna hate it,” Cassandra tells her boyfriend. Even if he doesn’t the hair, he will for sure hate her relentless bitch-a-thon over it. Kim is thinking (hoping?) that this is will hurt Cassandra during evaluations.
The limo delivers the girls to the Luxe Hotel in Beverly Hills, where they are assembled on the roof. How I wish the next challenge involved a little mobster-type dangling of Cassandra over the edge. No such luck. Instead, a bald-headed fellow in orange comes out spinning so fast, at first I think today’s special guest is a Buddhist monk. And perhaps instead of spending money, the girls are forced to give up all their material possessions in search of Nirvana—no, not the band [groan]. Cassandra describes the mystery man as, “this bald guy with makeup…wearing what looks to me like a clown dress” [shudder—please note author is deathly afraid of clowns].
That’s no clown, however, young children, who never knew that before becoming a lame men’s style mag, Details was the society pages of NYC’s omnisexual underground club scene, and James St. James was one of THE original Club Kid “celebutantes.” Many of our models were likely still wearing diapers when James St. James was, well, wearing diapers—but as a FABULOUS fashion statement, bitches!
James St. James, Career Club Kid and true crime writer (think: Truman Capote in a swing dress), is there to teach them about personal style. The girls look dubious, but he knows what they’re thinking, and snaps, “Personal style means that you can be fat, 40, and bald, dress like a clown, and still be the most FABULOUS person in the room.”
He gives them their mission for the day: each girl will be given 90 minutes and $500 to spend shopping on Rodeo for an outfit that reflects their personal style (well, personal style as dictated by Tyra and Jay, that is). Only the winner of the competition will be allowed to keep their outfit (way to be cheap, UPN!).
Some of the girls head to Club Monaco, which befuddles me. You are shopping on Rodeo on someone else’s dime and the first place you choose is an overpriced, glorified Gap? Not that I haven’t shopped there myself, I’m just saying, live a little. To be fair, at most of the other stores on Rodeo, $500 might only buy…a logo keychain, if you’re lucky.
Inside the store, Cassandra asks Ebony if she’s going to shop there, and when Ebony says no, Cassandra snaps, “Okay, come help me.” Something makes me very nervous about a white girl from the South ordering a black girl around…and for the first time, I actually sorry for Ebony, who is actually nice enough to go and help Mistress Cassandra (I also remember she was the only one to stop and Kim too, making me feel even worse for her).
Instead of trying to feel her new style from the inside out, Cassandra goes around methodically asking people “Is this Mod? Is this mod? Is this MOD?” No, but it’s annoying…will, somebody open up her back panel and fix that glitch (and people wonder why we think she’s a robot)?
The girls run up and down the street, from shop to shop madly, as James yells at them through a bullhorn, “More style! More glamour! Faster, hurry!” Oh my God, so it was his voice in my head that made me max out my plastic before I went through Shopaholics Anonymous. Lisa feels that as a wardrobe stylist’s assistant, she has a distinctive advantage, as no one else there “takes fashion as seriously as I do.” Ebony tells everyone about her plan to buy a certain tank top, and everyone, including Diane and Cass encourages her too even when she discovers it’s more than double the price she thought it was.
Time’s up and James St. James analyzes how well the girls’ outfits represent their new Top Model personas. Everyone’s a wee bit off: Kyle’s “Chanel with an edge” looks rather plain, and JSJ says she could go bolder with the accessories; Jayla’s not “as sophisticated” as she should be. When Cassandra steps up with her “mod” look, JSJ gives the kiss of death, that little “Hmm,” that people give when they don’t really like what you’re wearing but want to be polite. Even though Kim was told not to change her style, JSJ thinks she should “embrace a little more of her femininity.”
Coryn has a scarf that in no way matches her dress; Sarah was washed-out; Lisa was a bit off the supermodel mark, but JSJ still thought she showed great personal style. Ebony gets two words about the tank top everyone told her to buy: “Um” and “Ew.” Ebony later confesses she thought, “Why did those girls tell me to buy it, doggone-it.” Hey whoa, watch your language, this is a family operation here—though, again, I sympathize with Ebony that her girls pulled a fast one. You just can’t trust no skeezer.
JSJ thinks Nicole should be more “deconstructed” and “rattier”; JSJ likes Diane’s shoes and thinks she looks good as “dressy casual” (though how hard do you have to work to live up to that label?); Nik is warned about over-accessorizing; Bre’s belt is derided as “a little 1999.”
JSJ picks Lisa as his winner, and she in turn gets two select two girls who will share in her prize. She selects Ebony, who keeps standing around with her braids in her face, like a plaited version of Samara from The Ring, and Kim, who thinks she should have won because she has “the best personal style out of all of these girls”—and I’d agree, if your fashion exemplar is Karate Kid-era Ralph Macchio. In a cruel, bitchy twist, Lisa gets to choose three items from the losing girls that they must take off and give to her; Ebony and Kim get one. Everyone gasps for some reason when Ebony picks Diane’s shoes, and why the hell not when Diane nudged her into getting “Um Ew.” They don’t show what Kim selected, but in my imagination I’m guessing…Sarah’s panties?
Speaking of girls rubbing, Lisa is starting to rub people the wrong way, because as Sarah observes, she comes off as a “know-it-all…bossy and a bit snobby.” At home, Lisa is dispensing her advice on how to pose to anyone who cares to hear, and even those who are not. “Are you listening? I’m trying to teach you something here,” Lisa barks to Kim who is, heh heh, lounging in bed with Sarah (bow chikka bow bow) and Ebony (sans bow chikka bow bow).
Lisa just thinks she’s doing her share to make the competition “as fierce as possible” so that when she wins, she knows she won against girls doing their best. But nobody likes someone who comes in and orders everyone around like a controlling dictator who knows better than everyone else—unless it’s Tyra, damn it! Kim pulls out an impression of Lisa as angry gorgon declaring, “I’m gonna win if that’s…alright…by you,” leaving everyone in peals of laughter. Kyle laughs particularly hard and long; is some other fresh-faced country lass making a play for the Kiminator? Let’s start rumors based on slim circumstantial evidence: Kyle was the other girl who pointed out with wonder that she saw her first lesbian ever—and Kyle, c’mon, it’s a dude’s name.
Meanwhile Back at the Ranch
TyraMail says “Seeing double? You’re not looking in a mirror.” At 6am, they head out to a big ranch somewhere outside of LA which has Ebony guessing they will have to work with twin sheep, as is typical in German porn. Anyway, Jay tells them to pick a partner and stand next to them. Kim, playing hard to get, picks Kyle, while Sarah weeps uncontrollably in the back and considers throwing herself under a train…is what might have happened if this was a soap opera I wrote called “All My Womyn“.
Jay explains that their partners will be their direct competition today, by modeling the exact same outfit in the exact same setup in today’s photo shoot shot by Michael Madsen-lookalike Craig De Cristo (to keep it fair, they won’t be allowed to see each other model, either). Nice way to save money on wardrobe, you wily ANTM producers, they only have to spend half to get all the outfits they need, which maybe isn’t a bad thing because for once they finally have clothes that could actually pass for couture or you might actually see in a high-fashion editorial and not, oh, in Cirque du Soleil.
Round 1 is Nik vs. Bre, in my favorite outfit, a post-modern Victorian riding costume. Nik pulls out some lovely, elegant poses up in a tree which pleases even the discriminating Mr. Jay. Bre, who is told to work that “hunch” which just screams high-fashion (or osteoporosis) also seems to do fine by Jay. Did he get laid last night or something, because he’s surprisingly chipper today.
Round 2: Sarah vs. Coryn, in a lovely ruffle-hemmed gown, should, in my opinion, get extra points for having to work with a live horse (Do I even have to make the German porn jokes with this show?), which even “snots” on Sarah’s dress. By the time the horse gets with Coryn, it gets uncooperative because it has to go to the bathroom. Hello, Diva Supermodel Horse! I hear he won’t even get out of his stable for less than $10,000 a day.
Round 3: Ebony and Ivory—I mean, Lisa. As bitchy as she was about teaching the other girls to pose, when Lisa is in action, she is so impressive with her poses that I’m now thinking it would behoove the girls to actually take her advice. Jay compliments her range, and Lisa reveals that she has studied every pose in every magazine “straight up.” Earlier, Lisa was playing weird mind games with Ebony, and must have effectively put the psyche-out on her competition, because even Ebony admits she’s not doing all that well. Jay calls her a “dead carcass on a fence,” those words every girl longs to hear.
Round 4: Diane vs. Nicole. Nicole is wondering how they will find something that will fit both Diane’s Rubenesque fullness and her narrow little pre-pubescent child ass. On Diane, the outfit (a long dark jacket and floor-length skirt) makes her look a bit like a frumpy frau. It’s just too much fabric, and doesn’t emphasize the curves she has. Jay instructs her to jump, and Diane skins her knee, in the first purple heart of the competition (no, Cass, your hair doesn’t count as a wound). Nicole has that street urchin in secondhand clothes look that Jay seems to enjoy.
Round 5: Kyle vs. Kim, battle of the boys. The look they’re instructed to shoot for is “androgyny” as they sport a cuuute black ruffled suit and feathered chapeau. Add a cane and it could be sort of a high-fashion Mama Mack look. Kyle looks good, but Jay feels he’s not getting “soft and feminine” out of her. Jay cautions Kim not to get “cocky,” but he’s pleased with her performance. In sentence twistier than an M.C. Escher image, he thinks it’s funny how the feminine girl can’t pull off the masculine suit, but the masculine one can and is able to make the suit look feminine.
Round 6: Jayla vs. Cassandra. Cass says that she doesn’t mind having Jayla as her competition, because she seemed weak at the last elimination. In a Mugler-y sheer net column, Jayla does a sufficient job. Cass is warned to tone down her pageant posture and give in to the supermodel slump. She looks awkward, and has such trouble getting the “hunch” that the photographer ends up laughing at her. Jay says working with Cassandra was “not a super joy” because he felt they were trying to make her into a model. “She needs a miracle,” he sighs.
Obligatory Reality TV Hot Tub Scene As Required By Law
At home, the girls get the TyraMail announcing that tomorrow brings elimination again. To relax, a bunch of the girls pile into the hot tub located conveniently in the living room. Ebony tells the girls they are so pretty, it makes her feel like the ugliest girl in the house. Lisa starts trash talking like a professional boxer, yelling, “I told you all from the beginning I was gonna win this!” Then she launches into a crazy speech that does indeed sound exactly like Kim’s impersonation from earlier.
Meanwhile, Cassandra’s already working on her contingency. “If this doesn’t work for me, I am definitely going to go back to pageants because I think they help you develop more as a woman, where modeling’s just more of a career.” GASP! You know, Cassandra, sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion.
Ebony Gets Boned
Tyra welcomes the models-in-training into the Judging Room, where Tyra says the makeovers should “connect from your head all the way down to your toes.” Tyra goes through the judging ceremony speech she must know by heart, and then announces the judges: regular panel Nigel, Miss J. (insisting on wearing his corsage again), and Twiggy, accompanied by guest judge James St. James (in a crazy feathery ensemble that makes him look like a Disco Birdbath).
Because of the way they did the photo shoot, this week the judges will do evaluations by pair, starting with Coryn and Sarah. Before they even get to photos, there are some criticisms: Nigel tells them to walk up with more confident next time. Coryn is slapped with a fashion violation for not wearing an outfit that fits her new “more sophisticated” persona. Their photos are received warmly, with the judges declaring that her new hair has transformed her (in a good way), and her picture does look elegant, although I think with the she leaned her head back , if she dared inhale, the camera would get sucked up her nostrils. Coryn’s look amazing to me, and the panel is also wowed, with Miss J. remarking that she reminds him of Tyra Banks a bit.
Kyle and Kim walk up, both of whom get compliments on their looks (Kyle for now being more noticeable, and Kim for maintaining her personal style). In her picture, Kim is told she should try looking forward next time, since her last picture was also from the side. Kyle is told she “shouldn’t have to try so hard” to be a model.
Cassandra and Jayla come up, and although Nigel says he loves Cass’s new look, Tyra says she’s still not happy. She didn’t get what she wanted. Damn it, she “specifically asked for Mia Farrow from Rosemary’s Baby”, and true it came out looking more “angry soccer mom” than waif-like flower child. Tyra’s gonna send her back to the salon, like an under-done steak, until they get it right. The panel also doesn’t like Cass’s fashion choices, like a belt she says she borrowed to look “mod.” “That’s not mod, that’s 80s,” Tyra laughs, and Cass gets a flash of murder her in eyes. At least she’s not the only one getting it: nobody seems to like Jayla’s super-long straight hair, so Tyra says if she does survive this week’s elim, she’s getting sent back too. Jayla gets tips on how to keep your eyes looking great even in bright sun: keep your eyes closed until just before the shot is taken (1…2…3…Bam!), but otherwise the panel seems to like her pic. Nigel thinks Cass still looks uncomfortable with her hair.
Ebony and Lisa report to the panel, and Tyra tells Ebony (who pulled back her new braids) that she needs to “release” her hair and show off the sexiness. Ebony then proceeds to do a very un-sexy hair whip that lashes Lisa. Their best shots are a study in contrasts. Ebony looks like she’s retreating in fear and her hair is so in her face that it looks like she was caught walking midway through one of those 70s beaded curtains. Lisa’s looks straight out of Vogue, graceful and artfully posed. Lisa is funky-looking in person, with far-apart Chiclet teeth like a Jack-o-Lantern, but damn, the girl can pose and she does indeed look “crazy amazing,” as Tyra says, in photos.
Diane and Nicole come up. JSJ says Nicole has a “sex kitten” look that makes him think “naughty things” to which Nigel says, “I’m glad he said that,” adding he could never get away with that. Does his wife tune into the show now? They like Diane’s makeover but not her belt. I don’t see what’s so great about it, but Nigel declares Nicole’s the best they’ve seen from anyone so far. Diane is told she’s too “reserved” and does not look “comfortable with her body.” I’m still wondering why they always do things like give the big girl the homeliest persona (“dressy casual”) and then have the nerve to wonder why their personalities disappear.
Nik (whose shot is actually my favorite this week) and Bre both get good marks. “That’s black Town & Country, baby,” Miss J. says approvingly.
The judges deliberate, and then return to drop the ax. Out of each pair, they have selected six girls for an ANTM fashion editorial called “The Country Life” which will be shown on a screen, and if they see their picture made it, they know they have advanced to the next round. These girls are: Cassandra (“Haystack Honey”); Nicole (“Pretty Peasant”); Coryn (“Rustic Ruffles”); Kim (“Hunting Haberdasheries”—Tyra remarks that Kim looks “sad” but Kim is “just surprised”; Lisa (“Farmhand Fatale”), and Nik closes the story with “Country Couture.”
Tyra says that the six remaining girls are the weakest pictures, and as nostrils start to flare and faces get red, proceeds to hand out pictures to following: Bre, Jayla, Sarah, and Kyle. The bottom two are Ebony and Diane, who walk up to get the Traditional Tyra Tongue Lashing. Diane is told she has a beautiful face and beautiful body, it’s just not getting captured in the photo (stop dressing her like a dining table then!). Ebony impressed Tyra at casting because she was “so obsessed with modeling, but the judges are seeing that maybe it’s just a dream.” OUCH!
On that note, Ebony is unceremoniously dismissed, with everyone in tears—except for Cassandra whose eyes are bone dry and probably gazing jealously at Ebony’s long, long hair. As much as I ribbed her, I do feel sorry for Miss Twisted, who is “heartbroken.” She says it was hard to hear that others think it’s “just a dream.” She says she will persist by knocking on doors until someone says yes. And at least she’ll be going door-to-door with head-full of expensive braids and some killer heels. Don’t get it twisted, Girl!
”If you're kinda confused to what a skeezer is/It's just a girl who's on my jock cause I'm in showbiz/There was a whole lot of skeezers, I dogged every one/That story is over, but my rhyme ain't done”…snowflakegirl@fansofrealitytv. com