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Thread: ANTM3 Ep. 5 Recap: The Booty Flasher Who Bored Me to Tears

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    ANTM3 Ep. 5 Recap: The Booty Flasher Who Bored Me to Tears

    I am sick. I am fevered, aching, can't-get-out-of-bed-for-three-days, I-think-I-just-coughed-up-a-Smurf sick. I say this to you not just because I want sympathy--because, believe me, I do--but rather, in the interest of full disclosure, as a glimpse at my medication bottle reveals this warning: "Do not operate any heavy machinery, such as riding a tractor, using a vibrator, or utilizing a computer in a feeble attempt to write what you hope to be entertaining recaps for your fellow devotées of America's Next Top Model." Wow, how the heck does Pfizer know these things? Well, okay, as much as I was looking forward to it, I'll cross riding tractor to sex shop off my "Things to Do" list). I could never, however, let you down, my beloved ANTManiacs; so let's get to the recap before that damn Vanity Smurf comes up my gullet.

    Obligatory Worrying-Over-Elimination Portion of Show

    The editors might want to switch up their formula, because even my monkey has started to notice that the someone from the bottom almost always appears in the segment that opens each episode. A sepia-toned flashback reminds us of last week's booty debacle, just in case the image of Jennipher's fuzzed-out ass cheeks, emblazoned with the show's initials, has not already been burned into your mind's eye. Even though you can't see it, in the interest of full disclosure, I am compelled to tell you that, as I write this very recap, I have taken the liberty of writing FORT onto my own keister, and I don't see why Jennipher's little joke was such a huge problem for the judges, since it';s made me such a popular girl. Nevertheless, the former Rapunzel who used her long hair to escape from Pocatello, regrets having bared her buttocks, as the stunt backfired disastrously. Eva, never one to refrain from giving her opinion on a subject, says, "If Janice don't like it, it ain't good! Foul ball!"

    Next, we are treated to a shot of Ann, with the elimination ceremony's pink hooker tube dress hiked up to her hips so her panties are in full view, doing leg squats with a bar on her shoulders. It's kind of sexy and kind of scary all at the same time, in the manner of German porn. She admits that she hasn't been doing too well in the competition, but finally pulled through at the last judging with her Lee Jeans photo, which Tyra and Nigel loved. This positive reinforcement has really given her the impetus to get her act together. As it turns out, all she wants is to be loved, is that so wrong?

    Kelle frets over her own poor performance, admitting she "definitely didn't get this far in the competition because of amazing photographs." No duh, platypus face; I am still scratching my head over why you are still in this competition. Please, just go. Meanwhile, Toccara (who, in this episode, looks to me like she's losing some weight) is in the phone room, crying over what appears to be a real problem. Apparently talking to her daddy, Toccara says, "Mom hss been making me mad a lot lately. Then I called her...and she said she was depressed and didn't want to talk about it." We learn more from Toccara about her personal life; despite being proud of her background, she says he's had to be tough all her life because she hasn't ever had anyone else to rely on, especially her parents, who have both had their problems.

    Posers

    TyraMail reads: " New York pretzels aren't the only things that are twisted." Does that mean that for this week's challenge they will be doing German porn? Eh, sadly not; instead the next morning they go to a studio where hunky bald trainer Saavas (not to be confused with non-hunky bald TV detective Savalas) greets them in a complicated position that I think I've seen in German porn before, but is in actuality a yoga posture--which is exactly what Saavas is there to teach them. The girls bend and twist (oh you clever TyraMail poets) and whine about how hard yoga is until a special guest enters the room.

    Tired and sweaty, the girls turn around to see, in Yaya's apt description, the "fabulous as always" Janice Dickinson. Janice asserts that in the industry, there are "a series of poses we have to do that goes along with the whole lineup of modeling" and she is there to school them. "Let's start with bathing suits," Janice says, stripping out of her workout wear to reveal an amazing body that is probably so plasticized at this point that it's nonbiodegradable (flashforward to an Indian chief weeping over a landfill piled with styrofoam, whole Twinkies, and Janice's incorruptible but still smokin' body). She then proceeds to twist and bend herself into a multitude of poses that would rival the yoga postures in difficulty, all effortlessly and while still giving face throughout. Janice believes that her direction could make any model "a super-diva," and also many chiropractors super-rich, since all of them look like torture on the back.

    After putting the girls through some basic poses, Janice calls photographer Jeffrey Neira into the mix, flirting with him briefly. A girl really can learn a thing or two from Miss D.--sucking up to the people that will make your shot look good is invaluable. She continues with her lesson by cautioning the girls not to make the crotch the center of attention. "Like hello," Janice cracks (pun intended), spreading her legs wide on the floor mat, as if for an impromptu pap smear. "It's important not to look like a porn star, it's important to look editorial," she says judiciously. After everyone magically changes into bikinis, Janice, like drill sergeant in some twisted, Russ Meyer, B-movie boot camp, goes about the room bossing everyone around (which mostly consists of repeatedly yelling "Own it!" and "Work it!"), while we get a full view of her own bodacious, deep plunge bathing suit. This includes literally pushing Toccara around, as they do some floor work. I guess the question of the day is, what does not look like German porn to me today?

    Janice enlists Jennipher, Cassie, and Ann to do a practice girl-on-girl-on-girl photo shoot. They all get up and start posing together. Personally all I think they need is a crawl underneath saying 1-900-HOT-ANTM, because they are looking so "Call me now." But Janice singles out Jennipher as doing poorly and tells her to get out of the shot. As "eva" our Greek chorus, Eva recalls that Janice "kicked Jenn out of the photo...Better wake up, honey, you're not looking too hot." Ouch, but oh so true.

    Next, Janice has them work on another category: posing in gowns. In a gorgeous flame-colored, bias-cut slip, Janice demonstrates some moves before picking up a camera and shooting the girls herself. First up is Eva, who says she like Janice D. because she doesn't "sugercoat" the things she says--hmm, remind me of anyone else we know? "All wrong," Janice says of Eva's first pose attempts, "You have a bit of a handicap because you're smaller," which is why I wonder why she had to sport the most inappropriate dress for her body type (gigantic print, high neckline, and high waist). Anyhooter, this is why "you need to think length," Janice instructs. Eva instantly switches into a different pose, a very classical, 50s Richard Avedon photo, and Janice immediately brightens and screams, "There you go, diva pose!" Also proving she's not impossible to please, Janice admits she is impressed with Norelle's performance too, adding that while the former brace face cannot walk to save her life in heels, she sure as shooting can pose in them. Posing with Toccara includes a whole lot of repositioning of a whole lot of boobage, still Janice D. concedes that the plus-sizer "nailed the pose." Janice also seems to dig Yaya, Nicole, and Ann--I think, although she might actually be more pleased at her "stringy-thingy" joke regarding Ann's dress more than anything.

    Jennipher, whom they've outfitted in the most unflattering, granny gown, seems to need coaxing in order to get any enthusiasm out; Janice asks her to pretend as if "the most incredible cow" is giving birth, then to "sell me the gown." Janice D., put down the pipe, you're confusing everyone. She is, however, completely unequivocal in her dissing of Kelle, who has extreme difficulty taking direction, especially as Janice tries to get her to change the expression in her face. "Then hide your face if you can't do it," Janice says, frustrated, then walks Kelle through several poses that have Kelle obscuring her face with her hands (might I suggest a "Phantom of the Opera"-type mask?). Now that's got to hurt if you're a would-be model, being told the rest of you is okay, but your face sucks so much, it must be hidden. Thus concludes Posing Day with the infamous Janice D.

    Tyra: Model/Actress/Singer/Savior of the World?

    Back at the Waldorf-Astoria (anyone else get hungry for salad everytime they read that?), the girls are relaxing. In comes Tyra, I guess she doesn't have to knock, who announces that she knows the competition has been stressful, so she's there to have a one-on-one talk with everybody. Is TyTy a licensed therapist now too?

    Anyway, Kelle is first, and she asks Tyra's opinions on her strengths and weaknesses. Tyra answers that Kelle's strength is her skin, but her weakness is "You don't understand your face. You are photogenic but the way you place your face in a picture, you are not photogenic." Kelle gets all whiny and defensive about how it's different in the mirror, and when Tyra snaps back firmly, "No it isn't...That mirror's the photo." I realize I'm beginning respect her no-nonsense authority. Yes, FOX, the brainwashing has finally sunk in. [brainwashedzombievoice]Must go to official site to purchase rhinestone ANTM tank top, then go rent Life-Size.[/brainwashedzombievoice]

    Ann talks about how she didn't realize how hard modeling would be; perhaps because everyone, her entire life had told her, "You should be a model," she thought it would come more naturally. Tyra, again being practical and compassionate at the same time, reminds Ann that the reason she is good at everything else she's done is a result of study and practice. "You didn't just start doing water polo and say, "Oh a pool, that's cute, let me get into it with a bikini and I'm gonna win."

    Cassie says she doesn't want to go back to stripping, and Tyra says if she does, she will come to the club and "grab your naked little butt right off that stage and say 'You coming home with me Cassie'." Now that sounds HOT! Tyra saves the world again, one stripper at a time. Tyra's criticism of Jennipher, however, seems to be that she's a little cold; Tyra explains that people get the feeling that she doesn't even really want to be here. Jennipher says she doesn't understand why people think that. Tyra stresses that, in order to advance the competition, Jennipher must really make her desire to win, her passion to remain in the competition, visible to others. "There is a fire that people need to feel," Tyra says. You might want some antibiotics for that.

    Although there is some eye-wiping, the Barbara Walter waterworks don't really start until Toccara talks. As has already been alluded to, Toccara talks to Tyra about her relationship with her parents, and how she had to basically raise herself. This makes her start to break down, and Tyra encourages her not to fight the tears, saying: "This is a beautiful [ratings-increasing] part of you, and this will make you a better person [and me richer] by not just being one-dimensional [but also a drama queen]." I don't mean to make light of Tocarra's situation, it is actually very moving to see her come to the realization that she is not responsible for her parents' happiness, they have to want it. They must have severely truncated this conversation, because the next thing we see is Toccara bawling inconsolably, talking about how difficult it is to remain strong, and Tyra looking as if she herself is going to cry. Tyra, holds the sobbing Toccara in her arms and tells her that she can help her family (including Toccara's little sister) by achieving in her own life. Perhaps Toccara's success can inspire them in their own lives. Tyra saves dysfunctional families too--watch yourself Dr. Phil!

    The waterworks don't stop here, however. In the bathroom, post heart-to-heart with TyTy, Kelle sits in front of a mirror and tries making different expressions, only to end up crying. And everytime she tries to look back in the mirror, she starts to cry again. God help me, I know this is the saddest thing I've ever seen, but I have never laughed so hard at another person's pain in my entire life. Clearly, I am going to hell, thanks to ANTM. Kelle admits her pictures have been some of the worst in the group: "I've had a penis, I've been a deer in headlights in the middle of a cemetary, I've been a platypus that just came from the dentist." This retrospective of Kelle's modeling portfolio makes me laugh even harder. Toccara notices Kelle missing and finds her in the bathroom, giving her a big hug when she sees Kelle is obviously not in a great state of mind. When Kelle moans about how, for the last hour, "I can't look at myself in the mirror," Toccara straight up laughs, saying, "Before you was all in the mirror. You couldn't get your ass out of the mirror." Toccara notes the huge change from the confident-bordering-on-arrogant Kelle that came to the competition versus this new Kelle that "judges have totally broke." Toccara feels all this mirror-gazing is "unhealthy" and takes her out to her room to get her mind off things; still, Kelle will not let things go. "It's part of my mouth...like an extra layer of fat or something, so it's like a snout," she muses, handing over a picture of another model that she feels has the same characteristic over to Toccara, who looks at Kelle like she's got two heads. "I'm just saying, I was in denial about my snout, it's just hard to work," Kelle explains to Toccara, who she can see is totally confounded; and by now I am peeing in my pants with laughter. As if to say to Kelle, that she is now overanalyzing the situation, Toccara says, "Well, obviously she's doing something cuz bitch gettin' paid. Obviously bitch workin' it."

    Don't Get Your Knickers in a Twist

    The next day the girls recieve TyraMail that reads: "Did you ever have a dream that you were walking around in only your underwear?" Is that all you got? What, no rhyming couplets left, Shakespeare? The girls report to the crème de la crème of lingerie stores, La Perla. Simon Doonan, whom most of you ANTMers will remember is creative director of Barneys, and apparently just can't get enough those floral shirts, greets our gals and tells them that today's challenge, like yesterday's lesson, is "all about posing." Furthermore, the posing will take place live, in lingerie, in the front window of the La Perla store for all of New York to see; I hope they've all kept up on their waxing, hello, Mr. Pubie!. On the bright side, if this modeling thing doesn't work out, they will at least have street mime to fall back on.

    Simon instructs them to look "alluring" and "interesting" but never "cheap and slutty." Cassie looks nervous (I'm not snarking on her, she really does in this shot--okay, I snark a little...Strippah Gal!), and Simon goes on to explain that the winner will get $5000 worth of lingerie. Toccara says that she feels confident, so long as they have sizes that will fit her. Back in the dressing room, Kelle's ordering up a 34D and a small, Eva a 32B or a 34A (she's not sure since she apparently never wears a bra, Rowrrrrrrrr), and Toccara? Looking stressed, she answers 38DDD. It's a sad state of affairs, but as is so true in stores across America, there are very few options for the plus size girl. While everyone gets dressed up in delicate yet sexy little numbers, Toccara gets stuck in the big, plain bra, the big, plain panties, and a big, plain robe. Although clearly disappointed, Toccara takes it all in stride, and is later even seen entertaining the other girls by showing how an entire bra (a cute and frilly little confection) won't even cover a single one of her behemoth boobs.

    Throughout this segment, I started to feel my eyesight was getting progressively weaker and I should make an appointment for the optometrist, but then I realized that was just because there was all sort os censor-y pixellation goin' on. America--not scared of terrorists, but terrified of nipples. What's the logic? At any rate, first group up is Nicole, Kelle and Yaya. Yaya observes that at first there were not that many people on the street, but people (i.e. creepy fat dudes) started to stop once they were in the window, and "all of a sudden the street got busier." Outside with a clipboard, Simon grimaces and yells at them through the glass, they way I do on the other side of my television screen (what do you mean they can't hear me?). He finds Kelle's poses to look "natural and effortless." Kelle says that Yaya and Nicole start doing "weird stuff," adding that La Perla is a high-end lingerie line, so "they don't want to see a pinup girl and this statue of, like, Mighty Afrodite."

    Next group consists of Toccara, Norelle, and Cassie. Toccara says that she felt stiff, and the shots we see of her, she does look still and rigid, like the bodies of Ancient Pompeii that were preserved in motion after Mt. Vesuvius blew. Cassie, however, was the very opposite--Toccara does an excellent, hilarious impersonation of Cassie's soft porn expressions--ah, the stripper background betrays itself. Simon yells very pointedly at Cassie, "Remember what Janice said, class not crass." Norelle gets a "fabulous" from the Doonan.

    Finally, we get to group number three, containing Jennipher, Ann, Eva, and Amanda. Simon comments that with her "strength" and "elegance," Ann has a lot of natural potential. Jennipher, he feels is "dull/very dull." Well, he went and said the "slash," kind of the "heart" in I "Heart" Huckabees. In evals, he tells Amanda lingerie is not her forté; Yaya, that her poses looked too "bodybuilder" which is "only good if you're doing Nike"; Norelle comes off as "most sweet"; Kelle, that she was "very creative"; Cassie, "a little too bada-bing." He thought Nicole's 50s pinup look was "very cute"; Toccara's charm and humor were not coming out; Ann was not very creative but was saved by a "natural elegance." He says to Eva, "You're a real show-off...but I like that,"; he tells Jennipher, simply, that she looks as if she just took a quaalude. The winner, however, is Kelle, and Simon tells her that she must now pick two the girls: the first will get $1500 to spend in La Perla, and the second, $500. Kelle selects Amanda and Toccara, respectively.

    Roller Girls

    Back at home, new TyraMail for tomorrow announces: "The modeling business is a catty, dog-eat-dog biz. Sometimes you just gotta roll with the punches." There is much speculation over the cryptic message. Kelle takes this to mean they will be "dog-boxing" each other, but most of the girls thinks this means they will be posing with live animals--see, everything is like a German porno after all! Jenniphers cries to her boyfriend about how she's not doing well enough in the competition.

    At the Roxy, Jay Manuel scoots them off into hair and makeup without so much as a hint as to what they will be doing. It's another hyperstylized, candy-colored clown theme. Whose decision is it to do this again, after the Heatherette show? Is it Danilo? Jesus, somebody slap him to get the needle out of this groove already. Jay finally calls the girls out to meet the photographer and discuss the shoot, but not after giving Kelle one of the most stinging, back-handed compliments, I've ever heard, even I'm starting to feel sorry for her. He tells her he learned that she won yesterdays competition, which starts to make her beam with delight until her expression is flash frozen by his extra: "Which I still find hard to believe but all right, work it out, girl."

    Jay says that they are adding something to the shoot, and the girls look terrified, until Tyra comes rolling in on a pair of roller skates to tell them that they will being doing an ad for Dooney & Burke...on wheels. Yup, they will have to pose with the bags on roller skates. All I'm thinking is the producers must have had everybody sign their life away in releases, because the liability issue on this must be ridonculous--I am thinking broken necks, broken legs, mangled bodies here. Tyra brings out today's photog, Mathew Jordan Smith, who apparently did a lot of early work for La Banks (at least we know an Tyrannical as Tyra gets, she really does take care of her own).

    Norelle, in fuschia wig that looks like it could be made of cotton candy, goes first and has fun, even though, since she doesn't skate, it's rather difficult for her. I actually think she looks more stable in those skates than she did in high heels. Mathew says that Norelle is good but is concentrating on the skating more than her face--well she probably doesn't want to wipe out and break her head on the floor, Mr. Oblivious! She's not the only one who has trouble on the skates, though, not by half. Yaya, who is thankfully not fully decked out in evil clownwear, despite being an agile dancer, is herself "surprised by my inability to just skate and stop and have control." Jay says Yaya "sucked on the roller skates but her poses were incredible." Toccara is next and I fear for her life as she reels around dangerously and falls nastily several times. Ouch!

    Cassie, in a Gloria Swanson-looking turban, doesn't appear as wobbly as the others on the skates, however, she doesn't fare to well in the photo department; Jay dismisses her as "mediocre" today. Jennipher, in a lime green wig and dark green dress with a deep neckline (that later causes many a pixellated shot to obscure errant hootage), feels okay on the skates, it's concentrating on all the other stuff, like holding the bags and presenting her beauty, that's she's having trouble with. Mathew says that while Jennipher is a "beautiful girl" she "gives nothing." Funny, that seems to be the consensus around here.

    Eva, I have to say, out on the dance floor is just a joy to watch. With the disco music pumping, and her giving you face every second and working her poses (even when she stumbles a little, she doesn't let it slow her down), it's clear what the distinction is between her and the previous models. Accordingly, the photog and Jay heap tons of praise on her. "This is Eva's best shoot to date. She allowed herself to become fluid and much more beautiful," Jay says. Next up is Nicole who says she feels like "Marilyn Monroe done by Andy Warhol"; actually more like Dame Edna done by Yayoi Kusama, but no matter. Despite falling herself, Jay tells her she "lucked into the shot of the century."

    Kelle is determined to show everybody what she's been practicing since having been told to work on her expressions, so she gives it an enthusiastic go--maybe too enthusiastic. Jay calls her out and says, "It's cool to try weird things, but if it's coming out like this--" He then proceeds to jerk spastically, like a "Special Needs Ken Doll." Say no more, Mr. Jay. Later, Jay and Mathew tag-time harp on Kelle, with Jay hollering, "Don't get ghetto in the face, Kelle," and Mather responding, "And that one was, too."

    Next, it's Amanda, dressed like a psycho ballerina. Oh great, let's put the legally blind girl on roller skates in a room with spinning lights. Yup, she eats it a few times, but goddamnit she pulls out some fantastic poses out there. According to Jay, she fell the most but produced the most viable frames, he doesn't even know which to choose. Ann follows, and Jay says that when she does her "model thing" she becomes--someone in the room suggests "Ugly?" and he says, being kind, "Well, not like a model." Ann has recurring problems with fish face, an awful, mouth-open expression. Less kind later on, he tells Ann directly that "it sucks." He says he would hate to see Ann not move on as a result of this shoot, but she surely sucks, and claims again that she responds to meanness, "If you're nice to her, she sucks." Sing with me, folks, Dysfunction Junction, what's your function?

    Bye Bye Booty

    Back at home, TyraMail announces that an elimination will take place. Everyone frets again. Amanda fears the person might be Kelle or Ann. She mock-cries to Kelle, "You can't leave me here without a friend." Ann must fear elimination as well, because she is in the phone room crying to her mom, a nice-sounding woman who says great, soothing mommy things like "Honey, you've run a very, very long way and just to be there, to be one of the ten, relax and whatever will be will be." Ann throws a pillow in frustration.

    Judgement time again, and as always Janice, Nigel, and Nolé are in attendance (Empress Minnie is again MIA, alas). They are joined by guest judge, Mathew, the photographer from the Dooney & Burke shoot. The big surprise, however, is Lanny Ward, male model. He's cute enough, but he's no "Manhunt" contestant. They will be judged today on how well they pose with him. There is a quick montage of all the girls posing (more like fumbling) with him. Highlights include Toccara making like she's about to grab his hiney, Norelle ordering him on his knees (but sweetly, and cutely),. Lowlights include a bizarre moment when Kelle orders Lanny around, trying to force him into an awkward, unnatural, incomprehensible pose that requires him to hold her weight. Lanny gets an expression on his face that says "What the @#$!" more than "blue steel". What she was going for, I got no idea.

    The evals this time start with Toccara. In her pictures with Lanny, Janice feels "You look like were going to throw him over your shoulder like a cavewoman." Nigel starts to criticize Tocc too, until Tyra breaks in, in defence of her girl, bellowing, "I disagree with all of you guys. Look at the arch of her back, look at the bust, at her body...I like it." Her roller photo does not get a warm reception. Nolé, who loves Toccara to bits, even said, "It looks like you're waiting for the bus." Norelle is next. Janice scolds, "Engage with the boy," and demonstrate grabs Nigel's face and pulls it toward her. When it dawns on her what she's doing, Janice screams, "Ewww," and shakes off her hand as if she touched a public toilet seat. Everyone loves Norelle's roller girl shot, however, deeming it "gorgeous" and "sexy."

    Everyone does not love Jennipher's shots, however. They feel she was hiding behind Lanny today, and at the Roxy, Mathew says "Out of all the girls yesterday, I think you gave me the least." Janice asks Jennipher why she wants to be a model and Jennipher pulls a Julie (which my ANTM dictionary defines as saying the stupidest thing at the most crucial time), saying like a petulant child, "We went through last time." Janice looks appalled. Tyra says that it really does look like Jennipher does not want to be there in her photos. Eva is told that Lanny shows her up in their shots, but her photo, which I like, is criticized for having her hair so low in her face. Eva says that was the look the stylist was going for, and Tyra gives her judos for not blaming him, even defending him.

    Nicole is told that her Lanny shots look like pictures at a school dance, but the judges seem to really like her skating photo; in fact, Tyra deems it one of the strongest in the bunch. Yaya is criticized yet again for looking too much like a dancer and not a model, which I don't understand as I think her dynamic poses really help make her shots, particularly in this week's ad shoot. Janice is like-minded, and says this shot is her favorite photograph. Ann is dubbed by Nolé as his "orgasmic letdown" because everytime he sees her, he gets so excited, but by the time he sees the pictures, his response is, "Yes. Yes! NO!" Needless to say, no one is into her pics this week. Also needless to say, everyone loves Amanda's picture again, this week, which is indeed a fairy-like stunner.

    Cassie gets meh reviews this week. Nothing special. Kelle gets disastrous reviews, first from Nigel, who dislikes how bossy she was with the male model, and points out that these are also his worse pictures. Does the Dooney & Burke ad fare better? "You neck looks like a quarterback. Just all wrong. SAME FACE IN EACH PHOTOGRAPH." Janice declares. Tyra calls it "the best of the worst." Is that a compliment or an insult? Or both?

    The judges deliberate in private, with little new to say, except Nolé's hilarious, and spot-on estimation that Kelle "looks like J. Alexander in this picture" over a Separated-at-Birth splitscreen of Kelle's ad and a photo of J. in a green geisha wig. The girls return for the final verdict, and photos are handed back as follows: Amanda, Yaya, Norelle, Eva, Nicole, Toccara, Ann, and Cassie. The bottom two are Kelle and Jennipher. Tyra tells Jennipher that every week it just doesn't seem like she wants to be here, no matter how much she cries or tells or tells the judges, they don't feel it; Kelle is told her pictures have been some of the worst of all the pictures and some of the judges don't even know why she's still around. Still, there might be a chance that potential still exists, because Tyra hands the almighty photo back to Kelle.

    And thusly, Jennipher, the butt-baring beauty, is kicked out on her behind. Packing in her room, Jennipher tearfully asks, "If I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't have left everything I have back home to be here...I feel like this is my purpose, just not at this time." A beautiful bore, not ready to be a top model; still, Jennipher, I beg you not to go back to Pocatello only to get knocked up by your boyfriend. Run, dear girl, run like the wind!

    I'm sick. What more do you people want? Send me chicken soup at snowflakegirl@fansofrealitytv. com
    Sending good vibes and warm fuzzies your way..., SnowflakeGirl
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    FORT Fogey Frostelized's Avatar
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    Bye Bye Booty


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    FORT Fogey Salome's Avatar
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    I'm dying of laughter here. Whatever drugs you're on, they must be enhancing your already-rich creative juices, Snowflake! But I do hope you feel better! , Salome

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    Fashionista Sandinista Chorita KaBoom's Avatar
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    What a delicious, illness addled, humorous, German porn influenced recap! Thanks again SFG!
    there is no energy shortage, there is a shortage of imagination

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    Christian,Mom,Teacher mom2's Avatar
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    Sing with me, folks, Dysfunction Junction, what's your function?
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    Climbing Solsbury Hill CCL's Avatar
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    Eva says that was the look the stylist was going for, and Tyra gives her judos for not blaming him.
    .

    Judos?

    Great recap, Snowflake Girl. Even your typos had me laughing.
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    [QUOTE=SnowflakeGirl]I am sick. I am fevered, aching, can't-get-out-of-bed-for-three-days, I-think-I-just-coughed-up-a-Smurf sick. I say this to you not just because I want sympathy--because, believe me, I do--but rather, in the interest of full disclosure, as a glimpse at my medication bottle reveals this warning: "Do not operate any heavy machinery, such as riding a tractor, using a vibrator, or utilizing a computer in a feeble attempt to write what you hope to be entertaining recaps for your fellow devotées of America's Next Top Model." Wow, how the heck does Pfizer know these things? Well, okay, as much as I was looking forward to it, I'll cross riding tractor to sex shop off my "Things to Do" list). I could never, however, let you down, my beloved ANTManiacs; so let's get to the recap before that damn Vanity Smurf comes up my gullet.[/QUOTE=SnowflakeGirl]



    That was priceless SFG! Excellent job!
    I used to have a handle on life... but then it broke off.

  8. #8
    Plotting spegs's Avatar
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    Way too much to quote! ....yet, I must!

    Quote Originally Posted by SnowflakeGirl
    I am fevered, aching, can't-get-out-of-bed-for-three-days, I-think-I-just-coughed-up-a-Smurf sick.

    (flashforward to an Indian chief weeping over a landfill piled with styrofoam, whole Twinkies, and Janice's incorruptible but still smokin' body).

    "Like hello," Janice cracks (pun intended), spreading her legs wide on the floor mat, as if for an impromptu pap smear. "

    I guess the question of the day is, what does not look like German porn to me today?

    Tyra: Model/Actress/Singer/Savior of the World?

    [brainwashedzombievoice]Must go to official site to purchase rhinestone ANTM tank top, then go rent Life-Size.[/brainwashedzombievoice]

    Cassie says she doesn't want to go back to stripping, and Tyra says if she does, she will come to the club and "grab your naked little butt right off that stage and say 'You coming home with me Cassie'." Now that sounds HOT! Tyra saves the world again, one stripper at a time.

    This makes her start to break down, and Tyra encourages her not to fight the tears, saying: "This is a beautiful [ratings-increasing] part of you, and this will make you a better person [and me richer] by not just being one-dimensional [but also a drama queen]."

    God help me, I know this is the saddest thing I've ever seen, but I have never laughed so hard at another person's pain in my entire life. Clearly, I am going to hell, thanks to ANTM.

    America--not scared of terrorists, but terrified of nipples. What's the logic?

    He then proceeds to jerk spastically, like a "Special Needs Ken Doll."

    The big surprise, however, is Lanny Ward, male model. He's cute enough, but he's no "Manhunt" contestant.
    Whatever's in your Nyquil, I need some!
    "Look, you love me, and I love you. Maybe in a different time, a different place, this would work out. But we both know that only one of us is leaving this room alive, and I'm the one holding the flame thrower." - Film Fakers

  9. #9
    What's The 411? Fanatic277's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SnowflakeGirl
    I say this to you not just because I want sympathy--because, believe me, I do--but rather, in the interest of full disclosure, as a glimpse at my medication bottle reveals this warning: "Do not operate any heavy machinery, such as riding a tractor, using a vibrator, or utilizing a computer in a feeble attempt to write what you hope to be entertaining recaps for your fellow devotées of America's Next Top Model." Wow, how the heck does Pfizer know these things? Well, okay, as much as I was looking forward to it, I'll cross riding tractor to sex shop off my "Things to Do" list).

    Next, we are treated to a shot of Ann, with the elimination ceremony's pink hooker tube dress hiked up to her hips so her panties are in full view, doing leg squats with a bar on her shoulders. It's kind of sexy and kind of scary all at the same time, in the manner of German porn.

    TyraMail reads: " New York pretzels aren't the only things that are twisted." Does that mean that for this week's challenge they will be doing German porn? Eh, sadly not; instead the next morning they go to a studio where hunky bald trainer Saavas (not to be confused with non-hunky bald TV detective Savalas) greets them in a complicated position that I think I've seen in German porn before, but is in actuality a yoga posture--which is exactly what Saavas is there to teach them.

    Janice enlists Jennipher, Cassie, and Ann to do a practice girl-on-girl-on-girl photo shoot. They all get up and start posing together. Personally all I think they need is a crawl underneath saying 1-900-HOT-ANTM, because they are looking so "Call me now."

    Jennipher, whom they've outfitted in the most unflattering, granny gown, seems to need coaxing in order to get any enthusiasm out; Janice asks her to pretend as if "the most incredible cow" is giving birth, then to "sell me the gown." Janice D., put down the pipe, you're confusing everyone.

    Cassie says she doesn't want to go back to stripping, and Tyra says if she does, she will come to the club and "grab your naked little butt right off that stage and say 'You coming home with me Cassie'." Now that sounds HOT! Tyra saves the world again, one stripper at a time.

    It's another hyperstylized, candy-colored clown theme. Whose decision is it to do this again, after the Heatherette show? Is it Danilo? Jesus, somebody slap him to get the needle out of this groove already.

    All I'm thinking is the producers must have had everybody sign their life away in releases, because the liability issue on this must be ridonculous--I am thinking broken necks, broken legs, mangled bodies here.
    Fantastic recap as always Snowy, hope you feel better soon!

  10. #10
    Big Electric Cat jasmar's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SnowflakeGirl
    "Let's start with bathing suits," Janice says, stripping out of her workout wear to reveal an amazing body that is probably so plasticized at this point that it's nonbiodegradable (flashforward to an Indian chief weeping over a landfill piled with styrofoam, whole Twinkies, and Janice's incorruptible but still smokin' body).
    We must be generation-mates. That PSA is burned into my memory of Saturday mornings long ago, along with "Conjunction Junction" and "I Put a Dime in the Drugstore Record Machine."

    Sick and delirious, alert and sharp-witted, or stalking the netherworld in between… you are deliciously eloquent, SnowflakeGirl. Hope you feel better soon!
    Token Christian.

    If truth is relative, how do you know?

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