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Thread: ANTM2, Ep. 10 Finale Recap: Surprise, Surprise—Ask and Ye Shall Receive

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    ANTM2, Ep. 10 Finale Recap: Surprise, Surprise—Ask and Ye Shall Receive

    This is it, my friends, the finale of the second season of America’s Next Top Model; the one in which we, the American public that she will serve, finally learn which of our glamour girls wins it all. As if we haven’t all been sitting in our barcaloungers for the past 11 weeks chewing our fingernails down to the quick, the producers decide to kick off the show with a superfluous recap montage and profiles of the final three that makes me want to grab UPN by the collar and scream in its face, “Enough. We know them. We love them. Stop torturing us. Just give us the goods.” Of course, UPN has no face, much less a collar to grab, so with pleas unheard, we’re left wondering for a full hour of excruciating suspense (only half of which seemed to be actual show, because I swear the other half went to commercials, not counting all the shameless product placement), who’s it gonna be? Mercedes, the too-cute “toothpaste girl” who gives Lupus sufferers inspiration to endure? Yoanna, the devoted fashionista who gives fatties everywhere a “roll” model to look towards? Or Shandi, the Pygmalion transformation who gives ex-junkies and convicted felons hope that, if they work hard enough, they too may someday end up caught drunkenly rutting with a strange Italian man before an audience of millions worldwide (including your boyfriend)? It’s anybody’s game and you’ll be guessing who the winner is till the very end.

    And Then There Were Three

    Still reeling from the last elimination, the girls return to their Milano apartment at night to find a goodbye note from April that reads, “I am here in spirit for you all!” Unfortunately, spirits don’t win modeling competitions, and Yoanna expresses surprise that April, one of the strongest contenders from day one, did not make the final three. This proves to Yoanna that “Any given time, someone could leave.”

    Mercedes calls her mom, reporting that she feels good. She tells us that what she’s learned the most about her Lupus from this competition is that “It’s about maintaining my disease; I’m mentally so strong that I’m not complaining at all.” Yoanna also calls her mother, to whom she’s very close, and gets a little emotional as she reflects on how lonely this modeling venture can actually be. Shandi calls her only touchstone back at home: her boyfriend Eric. The preternaturally forgiving young cuckold tells her he is not mad at her, “I just care about you right now…don’t give up.” Shandi seems relieved that the cheating ordeal seems to be over, saying she believes that they are close enough to work things out. Keep in mind, this is all before any of Shandi’s sexploits were broadcast on national television; and hopefully Shandi’s paramour did not leave her with any unwanted “souvenirs” of her trip to Italia—the kind which might require Shanthrax to get a prescription for Valtrex.

    TyraMail orders the girls to move into one room. Why? To wring out one more drop of drama, of course. Mercedes tells Yoanna that she should come upstairs where she and Shandi are already settled in. Yoanna, packing up her Virgen de Guadalupe (what a good Catholic girl), teasingly--yet secretly seriously--asks if they’re going to come down to help her, and the other girls not-so-teasingly say no and climb into bed. “Where is the love?” Yoanna asks. The solvent of rivalry has finally eaten it away, perhaps.

    Morning greets them with yet another TyraMail informing them that their last photo assignment will be a beauty shoot. As the girls get ready to leave, they size each other up. Shandi feels her biggest competition is Yoanna, due to her vast knowledge of the fashion industry. Yoanna believes that Mercedes has a good shot at winning because she’s photogenic and has a good personality. Finally, Mercedes cites Shandi as her top contender, because of her effortless ability to look “high fashion” and, more importantly, the “caterpillar to a butterfly” transformation that the judges have definitely noticed. For all three, however, the pressure is on because they know there is no more room to make mistakes.

    Shear Stupidity

    They arrive at the studio where art director Jay Manuel meets the girls for their last shoot. He informs them that their assignment will be in the manner of “high-end stylized beauty ads” (shot by Massimo Costoli) in which each girl will be getting a “completely different look” courtesy “fabulous” Nolé Marin and hair stylist Gian Luca Guaitoli. Yoanna, excited, explains, “[You] get a cosmetics contract, your face becomes a household name.” Mercedes tries to smile but looks like she wants to puke; Shandi also appears nervous.

    Prep time: In one of those crappy over-dubs that ANTM is famous for, Jay says, “As a model, your smile is so important”--a bunch of hooey because when have we seen any of these girls smile in any of their pictures? It’s all an excuse to pimp out product placement for BriteSmile whitening pens (which I’m making fun of now, but will totally go out and buy tomorrow). Jay shows Yoanna the helmet she will be wearing for her ad, saying that the strength of her face will allow her to carry off the look. Meanwhile, Gian Luca appears to be sharpening a straight razor on a strop—um, just how are they eliminating the girls this week? I sigh in relief when I see that he’ll be using it on her hair—only to panic again when I see he’s razoring it, à la Edward Scissorhands, into a kinky, fuzzed-out fro. “I’m Buckwheat from Little Rascals,” Mercedes says, not looking very pleased. She tells herself, however, “He’s the stylist, he knows what he’s doing, keep your mouth shut.” Wise move, considering the circumstances that led to April’s dismissal. Shandi, meanwhile, is getting multi-color fake lashes that look like the awning on a sideshow trailer.

    Then disaster strikes. Apparently there was some hair on Yoanna’s neck that she complains was “itching and sticking out of the helmet,” but because Gian Luca was so busy styling Mercedes’ hair into a tumbleweed caught in barbed wire, she decides to take matters into her own hands. The next thing we hear is Yoanna exclaiming, “Oh no,” from the other room. She cut a very noticeable, very unattractive patch into the back of her head. When they see what she’s done, Jay and Nolé reproach her like angry parents. I would love to sample Jay exclaiming, “Yoanna, ugh!” He tells her, “You butchered it, you cut a huge hole in the back of your head.” Shandi looks on with a glint of obvious schadenfreude in her eyes as the team scrambles to repair Yoanna’s mistake. Barely able to stifle her laughter, Shandi says, “I can’t believe that Yoanna chopped her hair, and it looks like there’s a big chunk out of the back of her head.” As Gian Luca shaves off the back of her neck, Yoanna’s face turns red and she appears to be on the verge of an attack of some sort. “I think it might be the competition,” Jay says, still in hyper eye-roll mode, “Yoanna must be breaking down inside. She has to get it together.”

    Mercedes gets shot first, and surprisingly the wired-up topiary that Gian Luca constructed ends up looking quite stunning. She likes it too, describing it as “an Aztec warrior, Zulu, African thing”--never mind that those are from two totally different continents, this is America’s Next Top Model, not next top anthropologist. “You really blow me away,” Jay says from the sidelines (get your mind out of the gutter), and there’s no denying the girl looks fierce. “I was picturing that the camera was the eyes of Yoanna and Shandi and that they’re not gonna take me down. I’m invincible,” Mercedes says, revealing the another, tougher, more competitive side within her cute, commercial candy shell. Shandi watches, appearing a bit intimidated by the “awesome” job Mercedes is doing.

    Shandi is next, and with gigantic blue blossoms in her hair and eyes made up like a Japanese anime character, seems to have the easiest look to pull off (i.e. it’s more conventional beauty than the edgy looks Mercedes and Yoanna have to work with). Yet Shandi says the shoot was “a tad bit difficult” for her, especially because she had some problems conveying “intensity and feeling” in her eyes. This time, she is being watched by Mercedes, who says that although Shandi had “rock star” appeal, there was fear in her eyes; furthermore, she noticed Shandi repeatedly looking at her in the background. “I was like, ‘Yes! Distraction,’” Mercedes says, smiling her little dimply smile. The girl could be planning the most devious and diabolical of plans—burning down an orphanage, or attacking a major city with biological warfare, for example—but if she justified it in that adorable, cutesy way she has, I would probably pinch her on the cheeks and say, “Aw, isn’t she pwecious?”

    Finally, it’s Yoanna’s turn to give new meaning to the term “helmet head.” In fact, she looks like a cool, new action figure, very sci-fi chic. The photographer warns her against pushing out her lips too much to avoid looking too pouty. She must also “give eyes” but can’t look too squinty, is allowed to move only a centimeter at a time, and has trouble hearing the directions through her helmet. Oh, poor models, can’t we see how difficult their job is? When will migrant farm laborers, sweatshop workers, and meat packers stop their sobbing and take a good hard look at a real day’s work? Mercedes notes how well Yoanna is doing, and we get the briefest flash of the old “Rudest Girl in the World” when she says, “Watching Yoanna, I feel like, ‘Oh she’s beautiful, wonderful, they’re liking her…and I’m like, ‘Oh Bitch, you ain’t go gonna go nowhere.’” After a screeching halt, Mercedes pauses for a moment, then reverts back to cutesy, dimply girl, saying, “Sorry!” Jay remarks, “They’re all very strong. In terms of the top three, it’s really, really, really, really tight.” Maybe I left out a “really” in there, but you get the gist. There is no obvious frontrunner in this race.

    Siblings and Rivalry

    Back at il appartamento, TyraMail informs them that they will be meeting the Caten brothers, designers “of the moment” from the house of Dsquared2, whose clients include celebrities like Madonna and Eve. Mercedes seems excited because these are names she actually recognizes. The girls will have to audition to be in their fashion show, the final challenge for America’s Next Top Model. They head out for the van (Yoanna with a conspicuously huge Louis Vuitton Keepall—what is she carrying in there, the fifty pounds she lost?), and as they ride out to meet Dsquared2, Yoanna and Mercedes have their hands clutched together, praying the “Our Father” out loud. Shandi, clearly a Godless heathen, stares silently out the window.

    If Lewis Carroll created two characters in the contemporary fashion world, they would be Dean and Dan Caten, a sort of Tweedlegay and Tweedlegayer. The smiley identical twins are like sartorial sprites or the fashion industry’s answer to the Mothra twins, dressed in coordinated yet not identical outfits, moving together as if synchronized, finishing each other’s sentences, and speaking in unison. Shandi says the twins remind her of “little chipmunks,” a popular notion that Mercedes also picked up on, calling them “Chip and Dale.” This is not, of course, said to their smiley, chipmunky faces.

    Instead, the girls are on their best behavior as they sit down for their tag team audition. Mercedes shines, telling them that she’s a good match for their style because she’s “fun and funky.” Mercedes was “giving it” said Dean (or was it Dan? Who can tell the difference?)—complimenting her “sweet” and “bubbly” personality. Shandi says that she can bring her “realness and originality” to the mix, and Dan (or was it Dean? Oh who cares…) calls her a “palette” which I guess is a compliment as long as he’s referring to her being like a colorful instrument for an artist to work with, and not because she’s thin and flat like a board. Yoanna charms them with her love for fashion, saying she used to forgo Scooby Doo for Elsa Klensch at age 6.

    Then comes the all-important question: “Who’s your favorite designer?” Yoanna answers Marc Jacobs, Shandi and Mercedes both say Betsey Johnson (probably because this is the only designer they actually know). All are lambasted for their responses. Dean and Dan believe that if a designer ever asks you who your favorite designer is, always tell them it’s them! “I thought you really wanted to know,” Shandi says. “Nobody really wants to know anything,” D(e)an says with an insouciant shake of the head.

    What better way to see if the girls are a good match for their clothes than having them try some on? They try on clothes and do test shots in the design room. D(e)an gives advice that I’m sure applies even when you’re just shopping (I’m speaking as a former employee fashion retail), “A girl who hangs up their own clothes is better-loved. I hate those bitches that just throw them on the floor.” Mercedes feels like the line, which is really young and funky, looks best on her; even Shandi agrees, commenting on how Mercedes “looks perfect in their clothes…she’s got everything that Dsquared2 is looking for.” What, is she doing an infomercial for Mercedes now? “I’ll do whatever you want me to do, just book me!” Yoanna pleads.

    Walk of Shame

    TyraMail arrives and the girls are shocked to find out that there will be an unexpected elimination ceremony that day. They head to the judgment room for the 10th cut of the season, where they are greeted by Tyra, Janice, Eric, Nigel, and guest judges Dean and Dan Caten, whom Tyra introduces with much hyperbole, saying, “They are the hot thing…the new, the next, and the now. I mean, these guys have done everybody…” This of course garners much knowing laughter from the panel, including our beloved Mistress of Judgment, Janice D. (who knows a thing or two about having “done everybody” herself—and she has the book to prove it). Tyra explains that after tonight, there will only be two models who will go on to star in the next Dsquared2 fashion show, the fashion show which will ultimately determine who will become America’s Next Top Model.

    Evals begin with a walk for the judges. Mercedes strides out, looking gorgeous and confident. Tyra says that her walk looks like she’s gliding—good, right? No. Tyra says it looks kind of like she has roller skates on. Her photo, however, earns a double “Bellissima!” from Janice, who then leans forward, pointing her finger like the PTA mom she is, and says, “Never touch your face, girl, or I will come after you. You are beautiful!” This from the woman who had how much cosmetic assistance to keep her looking fresh? Tyra is impressed because “Not many models can throw on some naps, some grease, and some wire and look as good as you did.” Nigel thinks she “nailed” the beauty shoot, Eric likes the “intensity of her stare,” and D(e)an thinks it proves her “chameleon qualities” as a model.

    Shandi goes next, looking rather hesitant. To me, it doesn’t look like a fierce model on a runway; it just looks like anyone walking down a hall. Janice heaps praise on, “I love the way you look, your attitude is so hip and cool, you’ve come light years!” Eric says he still thinks her walk needs improvement. D(e)an and Tyra all tell her she needs to believe in herself more. “I know that you have it in you…I didn’t see it tonight, but it’s not just about me knowing it, it’s about everyone seeing that you have that.” Janice deems it “Very Mary Quant, very girl-next-door in Mommy’s paint. It’s a very lovely picture.” Nigel likens her to a canvas that is easily transformed, adding that she “takes makeup very well.” Eric, however, says that he still sees a “question mark” in her eyes which is asking, “Are you gonna make me a star?” implying a lack of confidence still, on Shandi’s part.

    Yoanna is the last, and her walk does little to impress the panel. “Not good, not bad…you need to focus on developing your style,” D(e)an says. Nigel found it “stiff” and Eric, “conventional.” Her photo, however, earns much love from Janice, who exclaims, “Moon rocket girl! Your eyes are amazing, your lips are perfection. Well done.” Tyra says that it looks like she’s a “villain in a movie chasing after the good guys on a motorcycle.” Tyra does, however, have some criticism for Yoanna. “Do you know what it means if you’re not a clutch athlete, like a clutch player?” Who does Tyra think she’s talking to? Is she talking about sports? Styling products I understand, selvages, Spring collection—but sports? My eyes have already glazed over. “When it’s the championships, and there’s five seconds left, he screws up.” Tyra says that’s what she’s seeing here. “You have the strongest walk to me, but then you get here, it’s down to the wire, and you fall to pieces.”

    At deliberations, Dean and Dan do the Wonder Twin Power punch, which instantly endears them to me, but I digress. Nigel says that all these girls were better than anyone he saw at a recent casting in Milan. D(e)an says that a picture’s worth a thousand words, and in Yoanna’s: “This girl is giving you face.” Eric pretty much says it all with “She can have a helmet on her head and look amazing.” Nigel still has reservations about her body, however, saying that he’s alright with Yoanna’s head, he’s “just not sure about the rest of the package.” Tyra admires the fact that she is someone who “lives and breathes fashion” but hesitates at her inconsistency. They move on to Mercedes: Janice unabashedly compliments her, pointing out that she won the walking competition and her body is amazing; Eric commends the life experiences she’s gone through and the complexity it adds to her; Nigel says this photo proves that she can do beauty as well as commercial. Finally, Shandi: Nigel thinks she “has what it takes,” but Nigel thinks something “stalled with her.” Tyra, who must find a way to bring everything back to her even if it has nothing whatsoever to do with her, says, “Upcoming models don’t look like me. They all have an edge that confuses people a little bit. I like her being there for that reason.” Janice interrupts her by screaming that Shandi should learn how to walk. Making the decision is so hard that Janice screams, “My head!” and then flops her head down on the table. Either that or she had too many Quaaludes and Stolis before she arrived.

    The girls are called back in and it’s time to hand back photos. Tyra (looking like Bratz doll who forgot to put her pants on) hands the first picture to Mercedes with a dramatic, “This picture saved yo ass, gurrrl, cuz if you had a hint of a smile in your eyes, you’d probably be going home right now.” Mercedes finally proved that she could give edge with the best of them. By the time Shandi and Yoanna step forward, I can’t breathe. Tyra talks about how they both “fell apart” today, then launches off into a model’s equivalent of a war flashback: “What are you gonna do when there’s lights, camera, action, and people are yelling your name and flash bulbs going off…and people in the audience scrutinizing you and dressers pulling at you and the person pushing you out on the runway saying, ‘Shandi, go, Yoanna go’…How you gonna handle that?” The longest pause in the world occurs before Tyra finally hands the picture to…Yoanna!!! Sorry, Shandirella fans, but you’ll be comforted to know that she handled her elimination with the most grace and aplomb I’ve seen all season. Without a tear, she talks about how sometimes she can’t even recognize herself with all the changes she’s gone through: “I’ve grown into a person I like and appreciate more.” That’s right Shandi, you went from an insecure, dorky, thieving pothead to a beautiful, confident, cheating lush. It’s like a fairy tale.

    On the Catwalk, Yeah

    The girls go home to find ShandiMail on the table, wishing them goodbye. Yoanna says she’ll miss Shandi dearly, but knows that her elimination brings her one step closer to her dream. It’s also game on for Mercedes, who says that, “From now on it’s just gonna be Yoanna and I fighting for number one—and you know what? She ain’t gonna take my title.” Later, Tyra takes them to the galleria where they will be battling head to head in the fashion show for Dsquared2. As the crew sets up, Tyra (in “strait-pants”) and Jay give them some last minute advice. Tyra: “Don’t look at anybody except straight ahead. You’ll feel all these flashes from photographers. Feel that, take that in.” Jay: “You’ve got to realize now, this the real deal. It’s not the Mercedes and Yoanna show, it’s the Dsquared2 show.”

    Fast-forward to 20 minutes before showtime, and backstage is a hive of activity and preparation. Yoanna takes note of the other models saying, “You’ve got girls that think they’re just, like, the crème de la crème.” Mercedes tries to make friends with some, and talks about how important tonight’s show is for her. When she asks the girls if they’ve done shows like this before, they say, “Oh yes, since I’ve been 12…” Outside, the crowd gathers. In first row seats, we see the ANTM crew, Tyra and the judges, plus J. Alexander (in a tiara!). Lined up in their first outfits, Yoanna talks about how she is determined to impress the judges after the comments from the other day. Mercedes says her heart is beating so fast she’s surprised she didn’t have a panic attack.

    Finally, it’s go-time. The spotlight comes on, and the music starts pumping, then out come the girls. We see some of the other models strut out first, all old pros. Then Yoanna comes out, with a glam fedora, hand bag, jeans and a short jacket. Tyra hoots like a proud Mama. I personally don’t find her walk as strong as the other models (she looks down too much), and I certainly don’t think she does better than Mercedes, who comes out looking like a fox in purple. For their second outfit, Tyra hollers at Yoanna, “You’d better work, girl!” Mercedes follows Yoanna, and when they cross paths on the runway, Mercedes says she was thinking, “Oh, that’s Yoanna? That bitch.” At the end of the runway, “I do my pose, and I go, ‘Yeah, this one’s for Yoanna,’” then proceeds to throw out like 5 poses, to which Tyra claps and cheers with glee, but J. has his hand to mouth, looking troubled. She does look FIERCE though!

    The producers did a good job of conveying what it’s like to be backstage at a fashion show during changes, crammed with stylists, dressers, models…clothes being yanked on and off, body parts flashing all over. At one point, we see a fully topless Mercedes (her torso entirely pixilated) while three people are trying to tug pants off her at the same time. I’d like to see Anna try to be Christ-like with her back here. In the backstage frenzy, Yoanna’s heel breaks, and the dressers scramble to find another shoe that fits her. Well thank God it was not on the runway, but maybe next time she’s praying, she might want to throw in a novena to Saint Blahnik, patron saint of footwear. How many times is this girl going to fall on this show? I hope Tyra’s prize package is going to include medical insurance.

    Mercedes looks sensational in her third outfit, a parka with a pouffy fur collar over barely-there short shorts that show off another of her perfect assets. The judges clap, and Mercedes looks exactly like she could be in any magazine, anywhere. Meanwhile, Yoanna is the new Cinderella of the show, with a dresser crouched on the floor trying shoes on her. She’s next, however, and Jay is yelling frantically for her, so they put on a pair of Mercedes’ shoes at the very last second, and out she goes, looking perfectly unruffled.

    In the end, Tyra says, “I have no idea who’s going to win this competition. Both girls worked it. Both girls rocked it.” Janice gives Tyra a big high-five, like this is the Super Bowl for fashionistas and their team won. Backstage, Nolé tells Yoanna she did a great job, and Jay gives Mercedes a big congratulatory hug (while she’s topless and in nothing but a pair of panties). The girls bask in post-show glory and relief, but not for long. They return home to find one final TyraMail, which they open together, which tells them that tomorrow they will know who is America’s Next Top Model. Yoanna reflects on how blessed she feels at all that God has given her, and Mercedes says, “To even fathom that I could possibly get what I want…I’m just titillated about the whole situation.” I think she meant something more like “exhilarated” or, at least, I hope so.

    While I Live and Breathe

    The next day, the girls get ready to leave. They’re all sweet and cooperative to each others faces, but in the confessional Yoanna says, “I think Mercedes is a beautiful person and I love her so much but I would be really heartbroken if Mercedes won because I’ve wanted it for so long, since I was little girl. So I’m gonna be America’s Next Top Model.” Mercedes says, “Yoanna is a great person, I’ve shared a lot with her but if Yoanna wins I’m gonna pull her hair out and yell, ‘It wasn’t meant to be!’” Now that’s what I would call television. You know they’ve hit the big time, because they have taken to addressing to each other in fake English accents, à la Madonna, Tina Turner, Diana Ross.

    Mercedes and Yoanna arrive for judgment wearing their Dsquared2 gear. Tyra greets them and (dressed in a ripped up, torn, strappy ensemble that says “impromptu gang bang” from the Tra La La collection more than deconstruction) reminds them that the winner will receive a contract with IMG models, a spread in Jane magazine, and a contract with Sephora. She also explains that there are no guest judges for the final panel because since only they have seen the girls from week to week, “we feel like we know you better than anyone else in the entire world right now.”

    They start by watching the tape from the fashion show. Nigel compliments Mercedes’ walk, saying she looked “fierce,” but it’s Janice who mentions, “Your ass is so cute!” and mimes grabbing her globes. Eric tells Yoanna she was good with her poses at the end of the runway. Tyra tells them both that “mixed in with the experienced models” they were “flawless.” Yoanna mentions that her heel broke and she had to borrow Mercedes’ shoes, to which Janice remarks that “Sometimes some of the girls are not so generous” about lending shoes and would say “no way.” Tyra does have some criticism for the girls. To Yoanna, she says, “You were on the ribbon, but too much.” To Mercedes, you knew this was coming, she mentions how at the end of the runway, you can give, at most, 2 poses, but last night she did 5. Mercedes gives her “oopsy” expression.

    They do a comparative retrospective of all their photos, basically giving out their most positive feedback on only the best of the photos (the Eve shoot, first Beauty shots, the Celeb makeover, and Couture shoot). Tyra mentions how she loves “the way your little baby hairs smooth down.” Janice looks bemused, and Tyra explains, “It’s a ghetto thing.” The only other notable thing during this segment is the way they switch to hard pumpin’ bom-chicka-bow-bow porno music once they show the girl-on-girl lezbeen shots from last week, and Yoanna says, “I thought of you” to Nigel—she meant that she thought of him because he never thinks she’s sexy in photos, but everyone laughs and Janice hoots, “You just want his vote.” Of the beauty shots, Tyra says that she thinks Yoanna’s looks like a magazine cover, and Mercedes’, a beauty story. Eric remarks on the symmetry of Yoanna’s face, while Janice says she’s “crazy” about Mercedes’.

    The judges deliberate. Janice pushes hard for Mercedes, saying, “I see Mercedes working in every country on earth. She was the strongest in the runway competition for me.” Eric feels like Yoanna makes more of an impression. Tyra says that in addition to a beautiful face, “Yoanna lives and breathes the modeling, the designers…and I’m really impressed by that.” Nigel argues that Mercedes “has a personality that you want to book and she can move really well.” Eric contends that Yoanna has that “X factor” while Janice sighs, exasperated, behind him. Janice maintains that she loves Mercedes, because she’s a “survivor.” Nigel is worried that Mercedes might not have a face with international appeal. Janice tussles with him, getting him to admit he liked Mercedes best out of all the girls on the runway last night. “Mercedes has that natural rhythm of a walker,” Janice says. “You’ve hit the nail on the head,” Nigel agrees. Satisfied that she won the argument, Janice sits back with a “There you go!” Nigel appears to be the swing voter here, saying, “It’s very tough for me,” as Janice stares him down to make his decision.

    The girls return to the room. In the room is a large television screen. Tyra tells them that the picture that appears will reveal who has been chosen as America’s Next Top Model. After a few tense moments, and one of Tyra’s crazy speeches, a picture flashes on the screen. Looks like all her prayers were answered: Yoanna wins it all. Mercedes, heartbroken, cries to the camera, saying, “I wanted it so bad. I’ve dreamed of this moment happening, but it didn’t go all the way.” Yoanna, meanwhile, lets out a scream of excitement. We see a photo montage of the girl who lived and breathed fashion and dreamt of this moment since childhood, and Yoanna says, in a strange faux-southern accent, “I never was cheerleader, never made the squad, never made homecoming or prom queen, nothing. Never won anything, I was just there. And now, I’m America’s Next Top Model.” Watch out, Jared, there’s another ex-chub scout sensation who’s about to sweep the nation!

    It's over? Already? When does next season start?!! I’m dyin’ over here! Questions? Comments? Withdrawing already? Write me at snowflakegirl@fansofrealitytv. com . It’s been a pleasure to serve you these past 11 weeks, and until next time, remember: “Walk like it’s for sale and the rent is due tonight!”
    Sending good vibes and warm fuzzies your way..., SnowflakeGirl
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  2. #2
    stripped Nymph's Avatar
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    thanks for all of your recaps. i am definetly going through withdrawl
    everyday is so wonderful........ then suddenly is hard to breathe

  3. #3
    FORT Regular Dolce's Avatar
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    [QUOTE=SnowflakeGirl]Watch out, Jared, there’s another ex-chub scout sensation who’s about to sweep the nation!
    /QUOTE]

    ..i found this final quote so amusing.. BRAVO!
    C'è tutta una vita in un'ora d'amore.

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    Luscious Pichus Pookipichu's Avatar
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    Fantabulo recap


    Touch my bunny, stroke my cow.

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    FORT Fan MidniteLace's Avatar
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    Thank You Snowflakegirl for all the wonderful recaps. Your talent and humor has been one of the major highlights!

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    FORT Newbie flip_mode17's Avatar
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    gurl you rock with recaps...it's super long though..lol..but i still want to watch the epsisode....anyone know wher ei can download it.??

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    Oh, this one was bittersweet!--as I tried in vain to stifle laughter here in my work cube at the Tyra Bratz doll and Tweedlegay and Tweedlegayer comments and oh so many others, I knew I would have no more of these days readin' recaps by the inestimable SnowflakeGirl . . .

    Thanks for them all! Withdrawal beginning now . . . (this was the last ANTM stimulus I had to look forward to after the show ended)
    Last edited by barky; 03-25-2004 at 11:23 AM.

  8. #8
    Bloomin' FoRT Fanatic! ness's Avatar
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    Jan 2004
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    While I read this, I laughed and cried . . .

    Laughed , because you've got a rapier wit, a thorough, observant eye and a mean way with words and a keyboard!

    Cried , because, at least for right now, this is the end of your fantastic ANTM recaps!

    I'll be waiting with baited breath for your next one!

    Thanks so much, SFG!!!


  9. #9
    FORT Fogey lambikins's Avatar
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    Nov 2003
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    Brilliant, brilliant recap! I liked it more than the actual show! My favorite line: "That’s right Shandi, you went from an insecure, dorky, thieving pothead to a beautiful, confident, cheating lush. It’s like a fairy tale."

    Until next year, I'll be revisiting your recaps for a chuckle and a laugh!
    Still crazy, after all these shears

    "lambikins, put the crack pipe down and back away from the keyboard." Unklescott

    "lambikins... I have come to the conclusion that you are the Jedi Master of the Kitchen on FORT!" SuperBrat

  10. #10
    Retired! hepcat's Avatar
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    Jun 2003
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    I'm all veklempt and can't type right now, but thanks for a beautifully funny last recap, SFG!
    You've gotta hustle if you want to earn a dollar. - Boston Rob

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