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Thread: America's Next Top Model ... in the news

  1. #1

    America's Next Top Model ... in the news

    <a href=""><i>The National Post</i> article on <i>America's Next Top Model</i></a>:

    Shannon, a young blond American woman, stood uneasily before the panel of five judges on America's Next Top Model (Tuesdays, UPN). She'd spent the afternoon visiting fashion houses in Paris, and was awaiting feedback on how she'd been received.

    "Our clients describe you as beautiful," Shannon was told. "Big smile. Maybe too obvious." Hearing this, Tyra Banks, a top model herself and one of the judges on this reality show, interjected. "Too obvious means too pretty," she explained. "In America, it's fine to be safe and pretty and waaaaaa" -- waaaaaa was uttered in a high-pitched voice, with Tyra's head tilted sharply to one side, and I'm pretty sure it meant "wholesome" or "feminine," or possibly that she'd recently been fitted with a car alarm. Banks continued: "But (in Paris) you gotta" -- here Tyra winked seductively, made a weird little clicky sound with her tongue and did a sassy kind of thing with her head, moving it smoothly from side to side and back again -- "just freak it up a little."

    Shannon nodded politely. She is 18 years old, a devout Christian from Franklin, Ohio, and, quite plainly, congenitally incapable of "freaking it up." One senses she would also struggle with "working it," "flaunting it" and most forms of "shaking her thang." Still, Shannon was one of just five contestants remaining on what is proving to be the only new reality show worth watching this summer -- and not just because the producers are steadfast in their pursuit of novel ways to oblige the women to prance about in their underpants.

    There is much theatrical, girlish weeping on America's Next Top Model. There are conflicts and crises, a few of which don't even involve blow-dryers. There is a chubby, bespectacled man named Pink. There are snooty people with snooty accents whose sole job appears to be informing potential models that their breasts are too big or too small or just the right size but, dammit all, insufficiently perky or too perky or just right perky-wise but kind of, like, weirdly shaped or something. And there is intellectually invigorating conversation.

    Elyse: I was laughing at your ugly tits.

    Adrianne: I have beautiful tits. Almost everyone who looks at my boobs is like, "God, they're just so jiggly and beautiful."

    Um, you know back there, where I said "intellectually"? Could you go and substitute "libido"? That's what I meant: Libido-invigorating conversation.

    America's Next Top Model, on which the winner will receive a modelling and management contract, works in part because it avoids the three most annoying conventions of the reality genre: the interminable "dramatic" pauses, the gimmicky plot twists and Ryan Seacrest. Yes, each episode concludes with the Obligatory Elimination Round, but there are stretches during which the show feels more like a documentary about young women trying to make it in the modelling industry (motto: More Ruthless, Fetid and Odious Than Even the Music Business Since 1985!).


    On America's Next Top Model, you at least get the feeling that there's something more at stake than three minutes of corporeal hydraulics. As this week's show ended, Shannon was spared, even though one judge gravely lamented: "Her hair is looking a little banged-up Barbie doll to me." (Meow!) Instead, the judges dispatched Kesse, a 21-year-old student from Arkansas. Kesse cried. That made Robin cry. Then everyone started crying. Then they moved on to all-out, voice-cracking, cheeks-coated-in-mascara bawling.

    Paradise Hotel concluded with rump-shaking dance moves, the threat of fisticuffs and some simulated mooning. Not exactly the sort of behaviour that Tyra Banks would call waaaaaa.

  2. #2
    I think America's Next Top Model is the best show currently being shown on tv next to The Amazing Race. Adrianne and Elyse are hilarious.

  3. #3
    <b>Alpha Dog Janice Barks Back:</b>


    Catwalk beauty Tyra Banks has been verbally attacked by modeling legend Janice Dickinson after an onscreen disagreement.

    On her reality TV show "America's Next Top Model," supermodel Banks branded Dickinson "the problem with America" after she criticized a contestant for being too fat.

    When guest judge Steve Santagati agreed with Janice, an infuriated Banks boomed, "I think you are why women are leaning over the toilet at this very minute and vomiting after they've eaten or are taking laxatives after they've eaten. The full-figure market is changing."

    But the attack has angered Polish Dickinson, who rants, "I was the world's first supermodel, and Tyra and all the other models owe me at least a Christmas card every year because I broke down the ethnic barrier to begin with.

    "Back in the day when the top models were Christie Brinkley and Cheryl Tiegs, I was having doors shut in my face for having [big] lips and being 'too ethnic'. I was real upset about that for a long time, and I'm just upset about this situation.

    "Maybe Tyra's hair weave was too tight that night. Maybe that's why she went off on me."

    She adds, "Wait till season two. This alpha dog is not going to take it lying down next time. I have this rigorous program of honesty -- and if Miss Thang can't handle that, she needs to have a garden show."
    Was that Santagati guy really a journalist anyway? Wasn't he on that Grooms in Alaska show? ;-)

  4. #4
    ... Janice, an infuriated Banks boomed, "I think you are why... The full-figure market is changing."
    Like my editing? I changed nothing, just omitted the fatty middle part. It was not that important anyway.

    Anybody notice how Janice and Tyra are in the same weight class?

    I was having a slice at Mulberry Street Pizza in Beverly Hills lastnight (the one South Beverly Dr), and I saw Janice's autograph conspicuously on the wall between the bathroom and the counter. Perhaps she does the old "scarf and barf" while in town?

    At first I thought it said "bite me Tyra" : but I was mistaken.

  5. #5
    hooked on C.S.I jumad's Avatar
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    Jun 2003

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