Welcome back everyone to another exciting night of America’s Got Talent. I am filling in this week for the lovely Snowflake Girl who is off working on her talent so she can try out next year. If you are watching the show tonight I assume you don’t like Rock Star and have absolutely nothing else to do with your time.
When I first agreed to recap this show I looked at the time it was on and my TV was telling me the show would be an hour and a half long. I figured I could handle that much of Regis and the Hoff but lo and behold the show has somehow blown up into a two-hour spectacle tonight. I really don’t know what they are going to do with these two hours but if any part involves the airing of a new video by David Hasselhoff I will be ending the recap and writing the 1st of 100 angry emails to NBC. So let’s all pray that does not happen and see what talents we can
Don’t Jump in His Car. It’s All a Ploy!
Regis comes to stage to welcome us all to the show tonight and to introduce us to the judges. Tonight we have David “Don’t Hassle the Hoff” Hasselhoff, Brandy “I’m too cool for a last name,” and Piers “I want to be like Simon but my show is not nearly as popular so I will never be famous” Morgan.
Earlier in the week the fifteen acts invited to the show tonight had a chance to show a small portion of their bit to the judges. The judges then need to select ten acts to perform tonight and eventually two will move on this week. After the acts all perform for the judges we get a little insider info on what goes on with the judges when making their decisions. Hasselhoff is wearing a “Don’t Hassle the Hoff” t-shirt and I think that is his passive aggressive way of telling the other judges to back off. They argue a little, but alas they come to a consensus on who will perform this evening. So let’s get this show started!
The Cheesiest Horny Man Alive
Up first tonight we have Dave the Horn Guy. I wonder what Dave will be doing for us tonight, maybe playing the drums? No, Dave is going to be playing horns that are attached to his sensible jumpsuit. He looks kind of like Bert from Mary Poppins when he has his one-man band outfit on at the beginning of the movie. Dave informs us that this is his full-time job and he supports a wife and 3 children by doing this. If I were married to this
loserman I would be filling for divorce first thing in the morning. Dave comes on stage and starts playing "Play that Funky Music" with his horns and singing along. He then goes into a patriotic montage and shoots confetti out of his back horns and the audience pulls hidden flags off the bottom of their chairs. I just want to know who was so careless to leave that many American flags around the auditorium? It sure gave Dave one heck of an advantage. At the end of the performance I want to call his wife and comfort her from the embarrassment she must be feeling.
Let’s see what the judges have to say about this mess. Hoff thinks he would do well on Hollywood Blvd., and I wonder doing what exactly. Brandy thinks it was corny and Piers says this is a serious competition and that was not. The judges were kind to him in my opinion.
The next act up is called Realis they are acrobatic gymnasts. This sounds interesting, I took acrobats as a child and I absolutely loved it. We dressed as little jack-in-the-boxes and did tumbling all over the place. I hope this twosome does the same routine. Arthur and Shanay make up Realis and they want everyone to know they are not a couple but they are soul-mates. They come on stage and classical music starts and Arthur starts tossing Shanay and balancing her high on his hands. My acrobatic experience I never left the ground, this is much more advanced. I am stunned at this performance, it is awesome, and I am actually impressed.
If the judges say anything negative I am going to be disappointed because that was just spectacular. Brandy thought it was fantastic and she is very proud. The Hoff thought they stepped it up tonight and were very creative. Piers thinks they are what the competition needed.
I Heart Boy Bands
At Last is the next group that will be performing tonight, they are a singing group. Before they even start I know right away that I will enjoy them. I have a soft spot for Boy Bands ever since my first childhood crush on Jordan Knight from New Kids on the Block. The group comes out singing Al Green’s “Let’s Stay Together.” They perform with a nice 4-part harmony and someone is doing a beat-box to give it a little flavor. This group is also very good.
Piers enjoyed the group and does not think anyone else wants to win as much as these guys. The Hoff tells them they need to keep taking it up a notch and no one else in the competition is as good as them. Brandy thinks they are tight and they deserve a spot in the finals.
All right, the show is moving along at a snails pace with the number of commercials thrown into this thing. Up next is a little girl named Natasha Le, she will be playing the piano tonight. She is 8 years old and just adorable. I hope she does well and I am actually a little nervous for her. She sits down at the piano and starts playing and sounds great. She does not seem to miss a note and when she is done I breathe a huge sigh of relief.
The Hoff has all of sudden candy coated his voice and he starts to talk in this little sweet tone that almost gives me a cavity. He tells Natasha you did well you didn’t miss a note. Brandy tells her she is excited for her in the competition. Piers tells her that her mother was so nervous for her but you did great.
I’ve Seen this Before. It Was Called Cirque Du Soleil
Next up is Vladamir, the amazing hand balancing guy. I really have no idea what that is but I love his name and say it out loud about ten times before I unpause my TV, VLADAMIR. Vladamir is going to balance on a 7ft. high metal pyramid, to make it extra scary he pretends to be afraid of heights. He comes out and balances and holds himself all over the pyramid. He climbs to the top of the pyramid and does a hold and I pray he does not fall because all dreams of ever having children would be gone. He finishes the act and it was good but nothing special.
Brandy tells Vlad that she liked it better the first time. The Hoff liked the music. Thanks Dave for the constructive criticism. Piers tells him that this not the Olympics, it’s a talent show. I am just stunned. I am not watching the Olympics right now. What year is this? Where am I?
A Man Who Knows How to Work His Fingers
The next person called on the stage to perform tonight is a man called Bobby Bad Fingers. He is the only professional snapist in the world. He looks like he is straight out of the 80’s with his fluffy hair and porn mustache. He comes on stage and starts to snap his fingers in a super fast, erratic fashion. The camera pans to the audience and somehow during the commercial break everyone, including the women, has grown mustaches. Is the auditorium next to a Nuclear Power Plant? After the crazy snapping the song “Conga” comes on and he dances and snaps along. The dancing is some of the worst I have ever seen and I sure hope the Hoff is taking notes so his next video he makes he can incorporate it.
The Hoff thinks he was terrific and I am not surprised since they both have the same bad hair do. Brandy thinks he is a true performer and is great at what he does. Piers admits to being a secret Baywatch watcher and thinks that Bobby is his new Baywatch. I thought Bobby was actually pretty entertaining and the crowd loved him.
I May Go to Hell For this One
The next act called to perform is a group of sisters called Sugar & Spice. They will be singing and dancing and their ages range from 3-12 years old. I am very curious to see what is going to happen with this group because some of them are so young. They come out to the stage and start to sing, “We are Family” by Sister Sledge. It is just straight up horrible. I feel so bad because the little kids are just cute as a button but their singing and dancing should never be shown on TV. This is what people should watch when being tortured. I will stop before I increase my hate mail even more.
Brandy tells the girls that she loves them but they need to work on their singing and dancing. I think she should have told them to find another talent. Piers tells the girls they are not the best singers or dancers but they are the prettiest and sweetest girls he has seen in a while. The Hoff tells them they probably won’t make it to the end but they have won the hearts of America.
I Think I Learned About N’Versity on 7th Heaven
A group called N’Versity is called to the stage as the next performance. N’Versity? What is that? Right off I don’t care for their name so they have some make up work to do with me. This is a group of 3 teenage girls who sing. They come out on stage dressed a little like Madonna back in her Material Girl days. I have no idea what the song is they are singing but they sound good. The performance is good but it needed some dancing or excitement in it.
Brandy tells the girls they can do better, they need to develop chemistry with each other. Piers thinks they have great chemistry, they look sexy, and they were better than the last time. The Hoff thinks they are going to give the group At Last a run for their money. Someone really needs to take the crack pipe away from the Hoff that was just a ridiculous comment.
I Get It. It’s Like Mac the Knife.
Okay, we only have two more acts to go from this show that just won’t end. Whoever decided to bump it to two hours obviously is the same one who sold the crack to the Hoff. The world’s most dangerous comic, Mark the Knife, is up next. He is going to do a stunt that got him banned in three countries. Ha-ha Mark, my recaps have been banned in 5 countries. Not really, I just wanted to feel good about myself. He first starts out with this really lame bit with a baby doll. It’s too stupid to really give any more details. He then brings out a lawnmower that he is going to balance on his chin and then have his assistant throw heads of lettuce into. He gets the mower on his chin and the lettuce is thrown. I am actually stunned that someone can balance a lawnmower on their chin. That was interesting.
Piers thought his act was pathetic. Brandy thought he did a good job but he won’t make it to the finals. The Hoff tells him Gallagher did something similar.
The Most Beautiful Man
Finally we are rounding the corner to the end. It’s time for the final act, Leonid the Magnificent. Leonid is from Siberia and he loves make-up, sequins, and feathers. He needed to move to America were all that stuff was plentiful. Tonight he is not going to wear all that but is going to go plain. Every time they show a close up of Leonid I need to get another tissue to clean the drool off my chin, he is a beautiful man. He comes on stage with a large metal box that he dances around and then starts to juggle. It is a bit odd but still interesting.
Brandy tells him he has a presence but the performance was boring. The Hoff liked the change and thought he did well tonight. He also was wondering if Leonid could give him some make-up tips for his next Internet video. Piers tells Leonid his act reminded him of the time after Christmas, the pointless time.
You Mean I Watched Two Hours For Nothing
Everyone has performed and now it is time to see whom the judges are going to let through. We come back from break and Regis asks for their selection. The judges say they could not come to a unanimous decision and they want to wait till tomorrows show. I scream at my TV “You have got to be kidding, I put up with this crap for two hours and now I get nothing! Someone is getting a very angry email from me in the morning.”
Coming Up Thursday
Make sure you tune in Thursday night to find out who the judges and America put through. I will not be tuning in because I will still be pouting. I will be reading Roseskid wonderful recap to find out what happens.
If you ever wanted to be a Carnie or a Drifter, please email me at Yardgnome77@fansofrealitytv.co m.