Havenít gotten enough of auditions yet? Good, because weíve got more for you. I heard that. Stop groaning. This time around weíre in New York and Chicago, and the parade of nuts seems to be never-ending as our four judges are bombarded with thousands of the dumbest ideas Iíve ever heard of. A few good ideas are sprinkled in, but theyíre few and far between. Letís see what screwy ideas are in store for tonight:
What Not To Wear: Copper
New York is the first pit stop tonight, and 70 yr. old Carlo Giansanti is our first inventor. He claims to have come up with a medical breakthrough. Carlo has spent over 10 thousand bucks on creating copper mesh breathing masks. And copper mesh hats. And copper glasses. Yes, they're as silly looking as they sound. Supposedly the copper gets rid of nasties like TB and other assorted diseases, and it gives you total control of your brain! His words, not mine. The judges look on in disbelief, Peter and Pat give it a resounding no, and thatís it for Carlo.
James Davis, a swim coach, has spent 25K on a Dry Swim Trainer. I guess this is for people who want to learn to swim but donít want to get wet? UmmÖyeah. Anyway. Itís a mechanical contraption that holds you in the air, allowing you to practice your swim moves without getting in the water. Which was the whole point of swimming, I thought. A sweat-covered James almost falls off the dangerous thing, and the judges give it four thumbs down.
Tom Jermyn is next with his $5,000 Body Squeegee. For those of you who think towels are just too much work to keep clean, you simply run the various contours of the squeegee down your body to dry off. There are two holes in the middle of the squeegee, and Peter asks what theyíre for Ė until George cuts him off. George doesnít want to know. Either that, or heís trying to keep the show PG-13. This one also gets voted out, quickly. I think Iíll stick with my towels, thank you.
Russian Sophia Kandelaki presents her 12-In-One Jewelry Box. At least thatís what I think she called it. She only has a basic drawing to show the judges, and begins rattling off all the wonderful things this imaginary box will do: itís a webcam, recorder, karaoke machine, air conditioner, blah blah. Oh, and it says nice things to you in the morning! Itís good for single women, she says, to boost their spirits. No, say the judges, and boost her right on out of there.
John Lorinz brings us Safe Sex In A Bottle, and is dressed in a big bottle costume to make his point. Or, just to be weird. The real thing, he says, is a little bottle that goes on your key ring and holds a condom inside. It took him four years to come up with this one, folks. Whatever happened to carrying them in your purse or wallet? And I have enough crap on my key ring, thank you. It must weigh five pounds. Four no votes from the judges for condom guy.
Our kid-of-the-night is nine year old Molly Balevre, who has come up with a drawing of a pair of sneakers with speakers in them. She says itís good for dancing around in your room, and looks with hopeful eyes to the judges. I hate when they do this. Softie George says yes, but Pat and Peter say no, since there are already Ipods and such in the market for portable music. The little girl tears up, and George walks her out to her family, trying to give words of encouragement.
New York has been a bust so far, so off to rainy Chicago we go. 78 yr. old Elmer George is the first to present, and he has come up with Whizz Ball. Itís sort of like the one handed paddle ball game, but this one makes you use both hands to bat the ball around your body. It looks pretty fun, actually. Itíll also help improve cardiovascular fitness and muscle tone, and is easy for older folks to use. Elmer flirts with Sara a bit, and gets a yes vote from her. George and Peter also jump on board, making Elmer the first one to make it past the judges tonight. Hallelujah!
A few quickies from Chicago that also made it: A peel away shower curtain (helps eliminate mildew), a stick-on cover for shopping cart handles to keep germs off your hands (awesome idea), and a ball with a retractable leash for dogs that lets them play without running off.
Let Your Fingers Do The Walking. Right Out Of The Door.
Produce manager Howard Batterman is next with his $2,000 Finger Tunes gloves. Made for kids, these gloves ďplayĒ music when you tap your fingers on a surface. Howard says they can even be programmed to play voices instead of music notes, and proceeds to demonstrate how it would sound. He succeeds in irritating the judges, but not in making it through to the next round. Peter tells him to ďtake his hand and get out of here!Ē
Some screwy things that didnít make it to the next round, but had the judges cackling: the EZ Run Belt, a belt that teaches you to run while youíre running. Yeah, it made no sense to me either. Instant Abs, a tan-on illusion of a six pack for lazy asses who donít want to work out. The Six Tap, that makes a six pack of beer into a mini keg. Stupid, stupid. And a creepy pod-like baby chair, that Peter calls ďa baby in Darth Vaderís helmet.Ē Big fat no to this one.
Dave Le is next with a friend who is modeling some kind of foam motorcycle helmet. Itís attached to foam shoulder pads with cardboard tubes. Honestly, I didnít quite catch just what this thing was supposed to do. Keep the helmet straight when the driver turns his head? Because thatís what it does, which makes zero sense. The judges have a major case of the giggles with this one, and give it four thumbs down.
Wesley Caudill has spent five years and $300,000 on....a toy race track. How on earth he spent that much money, Iíll never know. But he did. Itís not a terrible idea, though. It simulates drag racing, using Matchbox cars and a pedal you stomp when the light turns green. The cars then launch down the straight track. The judges are flabbergasted at how much heís spent on this, and everyone but Peter gives it a yes. Pity votes, for sure.
Back to New York, and a montage of the judges shooting yet more people down. Still not one single invention has made it to the next round from New York. Sad.
Ending tonightís show is Silvio DiSalvatore, a wild-eyed man with long, feathered hair. I havenít seen hair like that since the late 70's. Silvio has brought us the Black Cougar, which is some dude dressed in a black cougar superhero suit. I fail to see where the invention is, but what do I know. Silvio blathers on about how the Cougar protects kids, and exclaims ďI canít believe Iím pitching a cat to a network owned by a mouse!Ē I canít believe it either. For some unknown reason, George and Sara vote yes, but Peter and Pat say no. Silvio is sent on his way, going off on the judges, Patís last name, and things in general. Someone forgot his meds tonight.
Well thatís it for this week's parade of lunatics. Tune in next week for another round of auditions from Chicago and New York - hopefully itíll get better. It has to.
Someone needs to invent a device to prevent idiots from auditioning for reality shows. Seriously. waywyrd@FORT