American Idol 3 1/20/04: Not All Is Peachy In Atlanta

[lobeck]

The latest stop on the American Idol 3 Audition Tour is Atlanta, Georgia. Yes, this is the city that gave us Tamyra Gray and Clay Aiken in previous seasons, so this should be a good show tonight, right? Well, keep in mind that while Atlanta introduced us to Tamyra and Clay, it also brought us the infamous Keith, he of the mop top haircut and the interpretive performance of "Like A Virgin" last year. In short, who knows what the city will have in store for us this time around. Ryan even says it in his opening tonight…"What will we find tonight?"

First, there was Nikki McKibbin. Then there was Vanessa Olivarez. Now, there is Amy Adams. Amy has hair that is redder than Elmo's fur, and her personality is almost as loud. This girl is so perky that she makes Kathie Lee Gifford seem like a nun at an all-girls Catholic school. She has the individuality part down pat, but does she have the voice to go along with it? She sings Fontella Bass' "Rescue Me" and proves that she does. She even manages some overt flirting with Simon while she performs. She does not need to do that, though, as her voice is enough to get her to Hollywood on its own. She is unanimously advanced on to the next round.

We next meet Simon Thomas, and, as perky as Amy is, Simon is almost the exact opposite. It's not that he's comatose (although he seems pretty close to it), but before going in to his audition, he launches into this speech about how he is really a nice person and just wants to share his heart with the world and zzzzzzzzzzzz…Oh, I'm sorry. I must have dozed off there for a second. Simon goes into his audition, and of course, Paula and Randy have to comment on his first name. Paula asks him what Simon means, and I am not surprised to learn that this Simon knows it means "the one who listens". I hope I'm not the only one who sees the irony in the fact that one of the judges has this same first name. Anyway, Simon (Cowell) asks Simon (the contestant) why he's there, and he tells them that he wants to share a song he wrote (uh oh…mistake #1). He says it is a song "from the heart" and is about "the connectedness of everyone" and zzzzzzz…Damnit, I dozed off again. My apologies. Anyway, Simon starts to sing, "When I listen to my heart, my heart sings to me…" That's funny. When I listen to my heart, my heart begs me to hit the Mute button until this guy is done. Simon T. finishes his performance, and Simon C. tells him, "That was painful. Everything was wrong." Needless to say, Simon T. does not make it to Hollywood. He is either completely clueless or severely delusional, because before leaving the building, he says, "I think they were really touched". Actually, the only thing that was probably touched after hearing that performance was the judges' gag reflex.

Next up is Kristin Powell. Kristin walks into her audition and immediately strips off her sweatpants to reveal some black short-shorts and black knee-high leg warmers. Oh, God. This is not going to be pretty, either figuratively or literally. Anyway, Kristin launches into "Flashdance…What a Feeling", and I cringe from the very first note. Kristin definitely gives it her all, but her voice is atrocious, and her dancing…well, as I said above, it is just not pretty. When Kristin is done, Simon asks her if she was serious with that performance. She assures him that she is, and Randy calls the performance "terrible" and "horrible". Kristin starts to cry about how she lost 80 pounds for the audition, and, while that is a wonderful accomplishment, it is not enough to advance her through to Hollywood. Kristin says that the judges are making "the biggest mistake" by not advancing her, and she goes out into the lobby to tell a girlfriend waiting for her about what happened. The girlfriend is simply stunned that Kristin didn't make it to the next round ("Oh, hellllllllllllllllllllllllllll lll no"), and puts her hand in front of the camera not once, not twice, but three times before she and Kristin get in the elevator and head out of the building.

We come back from a commercial break, and it is time to hear from Tiffany Ballard. Now, I try to have an open mind for each of these performers, but when Ryan refers to her as a continuation of "The Curse Of Keith" before she has even sung a note, you know things cannot be good. Once Tiffany starts to sing, I can see why Ryan referred to her that way. She sings "All By Myself", and I know I am not all by myself in thinking that this girl is just plain awful. Her interpretive performance makes Keith look like a student at the Julliard School. Randy does not even try to hide his laughter, and when she is done, Simon tells her, "You will be all by yourself if you keep that up." She tells the judges that this is her first audition, and Randy responds with, "Well, make it your last." Yikes. Randy may have lost weight in the off-season, but he has definitely gained some major attitude.

The bad auditions continue with Payton Cross and his rendition of "Over The Rainbow". With his abnormally high falsetto and his demonic-looking facial expressions while he sings, Payton comes off like a cross between Michael Jackson and Linda Blair's character in The Exorcist. I mean, it looked like this guy's eyes were rolling up in his head while he sang! Anyway, Payton finishes his audition, and the judges are not amused. In fact, Simon tells him, "You are close to one of the worst ever." Close, but no cigar, Payton. It looks like Keith can keep his title for a little longer.

Apparently, the one song that is getting massacred the most this season is "A Whole New World" from Aladdin. Before heading into our next commercial break, we are shown a montage of some truly awful renditions of "A Whole New World" by various AI3 hopefuls. These contestants' parents must be so proud…proud and relieved that they are not on camera with their children is my guess.

We come back from the commercial, and we're treated to a couple more bad auditions (including a truly horrific version of Donna Summer's "Hot Stuff") before we are introduced to Terrance Gaines. Now, Terrance's audition is an interesting one. He sings Elton John's "Sweet Painted Lady", and, while the song is a good one and Terrance has a decent enough voice, the two do not seem to mesh all that well in my opinion. The judges are not too sure what to make of the performance at first, either, but they eventually decide to advance him on to the next round. Judging by the look on Terrance's face, I do not think he expected to get that good news, and he lets out a "Thank you, Jesus!" before leaving the room. Once outside, he says that he has just gotten back from Iraq and that this was more nerve-wracking than that experience. Terrance, somehow I find that hard to believe, but congratulations all the same.

Next, we are treated to Pablo Amorim's rendition of "Give Me A Reason". Actually, I should not say we are "treated" to it. "Subjected" to it is more like it. The guy holds an invisible microphone the whole time he sings, and he is just awful. Simon puts it quite succinctly when he says, "That was absolutely horrendous." Pablo does not show much of a reaction, and I am not sure if he is shocked or has suddenly gone comatose. Needless to say, Pablo does not advance to Hollywood.

Just when I think the auditions will never get better, in comes Fantasia Barrino. Yes, that is her real name—Fantasia. Anyway, Fantasia launches into an awesome rendition of "Proud Mary", and my hope for this season is immediately restored. She is unanimously advanced through to Hollywood, and Simon goes so far as to say that Fantasia is "one of the best we've ever had". Wow. I will go out on a limb right now and say that I will be very surprised if Fantasia does not make it to the Top 32, if not the finals. You heard it hear first, folks.

We next hear from Marcus Butts, who arrives for his audition in a full Elvis costume. I am not talking about the Elvis from the Ed Sullivan Show era. I am talking about the later-in-his career, Las Vegas, overweight Elvis. Being African-American, Marcus says he is "the darker Elvis", and I'm already cringing in anticipation of his performance. However, Marcus surprises me as he does a rendition of "Heartbreak Hotel" that is quite good. I think the judges were caught a bit by surprise, too, but they unanimously vote to send him on to Hollywood (although Randy advises him to "leave the costume at home").

After hearing from Laketa Booker (who sings a song I do not recognize but does an excellent job and makes it to the next round), it is time to hear from Alan Ritchson. This guy could be this season's token "hottie", and, as soon as he walks into the audition room, Paula practically goes moist in her seat. In fact, Simon and Randy get up from the judges' table and let Alan sing only to Paula. He sings "You Are The Sunshine Of My Life", and when he is done, Paula hugs him and refuses to let go. Randy and Simon try to pry the two apart, and Alan jokingly says that they are "just jealous" of him. Simon looks at Paula and asks her what her vote is, and she says, "Are you kidding?" Good Lord, Paula…why don't you two just get a room? Anyway, I think it is understood that Alan is on his way to Hollywood.

Next up is Danny Parker. Danny looks harmless enough, but his voice is so bad that Simon and Randy absolutely lose it while he is singing. I am not talking about just laughing, either. Danny is so bad that Simon has to hide his face while he laughs, and Randy just gets up and leaves the judges' table. He finishes the song, and Paula asks him if he can sing anything else. I do not know why Paula feels the need to make us all suffer further, but Danny obliges and launches into Patsy Cline's "Crazy". All I will say is that Danny must be crazy himself if he thinks that he has what it takes to win American Idol. Danny does not advance to the next round.

We come back from another commercial break, and it is time to hear from Lauren Enswiler, who is accompanied to the Atlanta auditions by her father, Reverend Enswiler. She sings "Summertime" from Porgy and Bess and receives unanimous praise from the judges (Simon even calls her "great"). Needless to say, Lauren is heading to Hollywood.

We next meet Heather Piccinini, whom Ryan refers to as "the next Kimberly Caldwell". Heather says that, while their singing styles might be similar, she (Heather) is a true performer, thankyouverymuch. Me-ow. This girl certainly is not lacking in the confidence department, that's for sure. She sings "Black Velvet" and receives mixed reviews from the judges. Paula and Randy seem to like it, but Simon says, "That was textbook. I've heard it all before." It only takes two votes to make it to the next round, and Heather gets those votes from Randy and Paula. She is going to Hollywood.

We return from another commercial break, and it is time for our final contestant of the evening. When the judges ask him what makes him unique, Andrew Chester says it is this "weird stomach thing" he can do. What "weird stomach thing", you ask? Well, Andrew is able to do this move with his stomach that would make a contortionist proud. He sucks his stomach in so far that it almost disappears into one thin vertical column. Um, yeah. OK. Unfortunately, being a contortionist is not enough to get Andrew to Hollywood. He has to be able to sing, and that is something he cannot do. He gives us his rendition of "Sweet Home Alabama", and I am wishing that he had just stayed in sweet home wherever-he's-from. He rambles in and out of tune (mostly out), and he even forgets the words at one point. The performance is so bad that Simon tells him, "If you were to win, you'd shut down the FOX network. You've wasted my time. You've wasted your time." Andrew heads out into the lobby and starts to cry, saying "it just wasn't meant to be" and vowing to "blow them away" next year. Why do I suddenly have this visual of Andrew marching into the hotel with a sub-machine gun and ending up on the 11 O'clock News that evening?

Well, that is all for this season's stop in Atlanta. Of all the people that tried out, 24 make it through to Hollywood. Before we close up shop for the night, Ryan tells us that tomorrow night's stop will be in Houston, Texas. Hmm…they say that everything is bigger in Texas? I wonder if that means we will have bigger hits or bigger misses…or both. Tune in Wednesday night to find out!


To contact the author of this recap, send e-mail to lobeck@fansofrealitytv.com.

[Google]

 

[Mantenna]

Originally Posted by lobeck

The bad auditions continue with Payton Cross and his rendition of "Over The Rainbow". With his abnormally high falsetto and his demonic-looking facial expressions while he sings, Payton comes off like a cross between Michael Jackson and Linda Blair's character in The Exorcist. I mean, it looked like this guy's eyes were rolling up in his head while he sang! Anyway, Payton finishes his audition, and the judges are not amused. In fact, Simon tells him, "You are close to one of the worst ever." Close, but no cigar, Payton. It looks like Keith can keep his title for a little longer.

Brilliant as always, Lobes! Another weird show tonight. I still haven't seen anyone that's blowin' me away yet. Most of them, like Payton, simply drove me away.

I had those exact thoughts about the demonic-eye-rollings of Payton and the "blow them away" statement by Andrew. That guy kind of creeped me out--something just wasn't quite right.

Nevertheless, thanks for another speedy and hilarious recap!

[Bumpkin]

Thanks for your dedication to season three! I confess, I think I enjoy these audition shows as much as the actual season.

A few of my favorites from your recap:

This girl is so perky that she makes Kathie Lee Gifford seem like a nun at an all-girls Catholic school.

He says it is a song "from the heart" and is about "the connectedness of everyone" and zzzzzzz…Damnit, I dozed off again.

This guy could be this season's token "hottie", and, as soon as he walks into the audition room, Paula practically goes moist in her seat.

Next up is Danny Parker. Danny looks harmless enough, but his voice is so bad that Simon and Randy absolutely lose it while he is singing.

When the judges ask him what makes him unique, Andrew Chester says it is this "weird stomach thing" he can do.

I don't know what is more bizarre. Thinking muscle control makes him unique, or the fact that he actually thought he had some talent. Sweet Home Alabama has been covered by a variety of artists, but this guy ... oh .. I dunno. It was just sad.

As always, a great recap, Lobeck. You add just the touch this show needs and deserves!

[Bellenote]

Lobeck, once again, thanks for taking the painful journey through tonight's auditions a second time, and making them funnier! Seriously, an excellent job.

I may not feel the same way you do regarding Fantasia, but you were right on in your description of the "worst of the worst" as well as the hilarious Paula lust-scene and the imitators.

Let's hope Houston will be better on the good ones, and even funnier on the bad. And that next week we finally get to meet the ones who've made it so far!

[greenie]

Originally Posted by lobeck

This guy could be this season's token "hottie", and, as soon as he walks into the audition room, Paula practically goes moist in her seat.

Everything is so funny, Lobeck, but this line had me

Great job!

[EvaLaruefan]

Great recap Lobes! I'm actually enjoying the show so far, it's quite entertaining! A few people have some good voices and with some work, I think they'll be quite good.
I'm not sure what we have to look foward to in Houston, looked like everyone sucked there.

[dvm]

Fabulous again, Lobeck. I agree with your opinion of Fantasia. I thought she was great.

[cali]

I started pasting quotes I liked, then realized that Maveno, bump and greenie hadall quoted things I'd picked

In addition to those I also loved:

Oh, God. This is not going to be pretty, either figuratively or literally. Anyway, Kristin launches into "Flashdance…What a Feeling", and I cringe from the very first note. Kristin definitely gives it her all, but her voice is atrocious, and her dancing…well, as I said above, it is just not pretty.

Next, we are treated to Pablo Amorim's rendition of "Give Me A Reason". Actually, I should not say we are "treated" to it. "Subjected" to it is more like it

He gives us his rendition of "Sweet Home Alabama", and I am wishing that he had just stayed in sweet home wherever-he's-from.

Lo, you consistantly blow me away not only with your insights, but the speed in which you get the recaps up!

[Terena79]

Originally Posted by lobeck

it is time to hear from Alan Ritchson. This guy could be this season's token "hottie", and, as soon as he walks into the audition room, Paula practically goes moist in her seat.

This guy's looks alone could get him into the top 5.

[realityluver]

Wonderful Recap Lobek!