***DISCLAIMER - the following is a lame attempt at humor, no offense is intended towards any American Idol contestants, hosts, judges or ex-Presidents of the United States***
3/25/2003 - American Idol Studios
It's Disco Night on American Idol and you can tell the producers have spared no expense in making this as real as possible. The packed studio is illuminated only by the rotating balls dangling from overhead, and flashing lights blazing across the stage. It reminds me of my friend Vinnie's bedroom back in college. All it's missing is the flashing blue neon Mens Room sign that he stole from Mooses.
Ryan Seacrest is nowhere to be found. Dramatic Voiceover Man tells us Mr. Seacrest is out ill. Apparently, he's allergic to polyester. In his place they have brought back one of the contestants. Who could it be? Keith? One could only imagine what kind of outfit, or musical renditions, he might torment us with. A two hour show could turn into five. Finally, we catch a glimpse of who it is.
It's Vanessa Olivarez ladies and gentleman. The audience goes nuts - they seem genuinely happy to see her. Vanessa walks up, strutting her stuff, as if she knew she'd be back on this stage sooner rather than later. She tells us they have brought in a very special celebrity judge this week. This person not only grew up in the disco era, but he's also known for his musical appearances back in the early 90's. He moved onto bigger and better things for around a decade, and just recently decided to get back in the limelight.
The girls scream as if it's Justin Guarini, and Mr. C takes a bow. He surveys the crowd, extends a finger towards someone near the front of the crowd, and winks. The camera pans to see who he is motioning at, and we get a tight shot of Kim Caldwell's mother frantically waving and blowing kisses in the direction of the ex prez.
Vanessa informs us that Randy Jackson is unable to make it today as he is performing in a reunion special for Journey on the good ol' WB network. We then get a nice shot of Paula and Simon in their disco attire.
Finally, it's time for the contestants to show us what they are made of. First up is Clay Aiken, the wunderkind from North Carolina. We get a quick profile of Clay swimming laps at the mansion and chugging down some beers with Corey Clark in the rec room. Clay tells us he is going to be singing "Macho Man" by YMCA.
Clay shows his incredible range, sounding like the next coming of Barry White. Paula likes it. Simon says it was good, but that Clay needs to work on losing some weight.
Next up is Joshua Gracin. A lot of people have been wondering how he was going to pull off a country disco song. What song could he possibly sing? It appears he is going to be singing "Snake Shake" a song first sung in the late 50's that reappeared at the end of the disco era. Josh comes out donning something that could only be described as a half ass sombrero and does his best John Travolta "Urban Cowboy" line dancing impression.
Simon tells him he is awful. Josh challenges him to another pushup contest claiming he was cheated on the results show. Simon says he'll only do it if the rest of the contestants do.
Now we see a profile of the recovering Corey Clark. Apparently, Mr. Aiken drank him under the table and Corey is just now regaining his voice. Corey tells us that he is going to be singing "Le Freak" by Chic. He also says that he was made for disco. One look at his renewed image and I can only say "Ummm yea."
Corey is amazing. Simon cries he is so moved and tells the crowd that "after this performance, Corey is the one to beat." Paula says "You have such an amazing presence Corey. You really shine. You are what this competition is all about."
Ruben Stoddard is up next. He's going to be singing "Shake Shake Shake" by KC and the Sunshine Band. The crowd gasps when he walks out onto the stage. He's NOT wearing a 205 jersey.
Ruben shows the world that he has some dance moves. He shakes and shakes. Two of the revolving balls fall from overhead. One crashes onto J.D. Adams. No one notices. The other falls into the seating section reserved for Carmen Rasmussen's fans. Fortunately, it's empty and no one is hurt.
Speaking of the devil, Carmen is up next. She tells us she's going to be singing a song she personally relates to, "Staying Alive" by the Bee Gees. Carmen looks smokin' hot. Kind of reminds me of a singer named Christy Love who plays in a disco tribute band called Boogie Wonderland here in Minneapolis.
Following Carmen is yet another blonde bombshell, Kimberly Caldwell. She tells us in her profile that she is choosing a song that hits upon her every wish and desire. The song is "It's Raining Men." Miss Caldwell ironed out the curls and is wearing a revealing red outfit sure to entice every 12 year old boy and 80 year old man to dial her number for two hours straight just so they can see what she wears next week.
Kim finishes her song and blows kisses to the crowd. She looks towards where J.D. was sitting and sees that he is no longer there. A look of puzzlement comes over her, and then she shrugs her shoulder and motions for Clay to come nuzzle her, hoping his presence will help the judge's to say something nice about her. For once, Simon is speechless. He's asleep.
Trenyce follows Kim and is consistent as always, singing "Hot Stuff" by Donna Summers. Trenyce comes out looking strikingly similar to the former disco diva.
She's been in the bottom three the first two weeks. Was there anything Julia DeMato could do to survive one more week? Julia explains in her profile that the reason she is lacking confidence is because Simon picks on her and because that mean Mrs. Caldwell keeps flashing a sign that says "Julia sucks" whenever she is on stage. She's going to be singing "Dancing Queen" by Abba. I can only laugh.
Paula stops Julia in mid-performance and starts to choreograph a routine for her. It's no use, however, and Julia continues to do her Carlton from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air impression.
Rickey Smith arrives and tells us he will be singing "Ring My Bell" by Anita Ward. Somewhere in the matter of a week, Rickey gained that male hormone called testosterone and grew facial hair.
Last, but certainly not least, is Miss Kimberly Locke. She tells us in her profile how wonderful she is, and how she has been training for this moment her entire life. She finishes by saying, and I quote, "It really shouldn't matter what I look like. As long as I don't sing like a dog, I should be the American Idol." Kim will be singing "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy" by Rod Stewart. Ahhhhhhhh NOOOOOO, the curls are back. I liked the straight hair, Kim, why'd you have to go and do that?
Kim hits all the high notes in her performance and Paula gives us the how refreshing line for the 800th time this season. Simon finishes the show by telling Kim "You have a great voice, but if I'm going to be honest here, you just don't look like an American Idol."