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Thread: What disco night might look like

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    What disco night might look like

    ***DISCLAIMER - the following is a lame attempt at humor, no offense is intended towards any American Idol contestants, hosts, judges or ex-Presidents of the United States***

    3/25/2003 - American Idol Studios

    It's Disco Night on American Idol and you can tell the producers have spared no expense in making this as real as possible. The packed studio is illuminated only by the rotating balls dangling from overhead, and flashing lights blazing across the stage. It reminds me of my friend Vinnie's bedroom back in college. All it's missing is the flashing blue neon Mens Room sign that he stole from Mooses.

    Ryan Seacrest is nowhere to be found. Dramatic Voiceover Man tells us Mr. Seacrest is out ill. Apparently, he's allergic to polyester. In his place they have brought back one of the contestants. Who could it be? Keith? One could only imagine what kind of outfit, or musical renditions, he might torment us with. A two hour show could turn into five. Finally, we catch a glimpse of who it is.





    It's Vanessa Olivarez ladies and gentleman. The audience goes nuts - they seem genuinely happy to see her. Vanessa walks up, strutting her stuff, as if she knew she'd be back on this stage sooner rather than later. She tells us they have brought in a very special celebrity judge this week. This person not only grew up in the disco era, but he's also known for his musical appearances back in the early 90's. He moved onto bigger and better things for around a decade, and just recently decided to get back in the limelight.



    The girls scream as if it's Justin Guarini, and Mr. C takes a bow. He surveys the crowd, extends a finger towards someone near the front of the crowd, and winks. The camera pans to see who he is motioning at, and we get a tight shot of Kim Caldwell's mother frantically waving and blowing kisses in the direction of the ex prez.

    Vanessa informs us that Randy Jackson is unable to make it today as he is performing in a reunion special for Journey on the good ol' WB network. We then get a nice shot of Paula and Simon in their disco attire.



    Finally, it's time for the contestants to show us what they are made of. First up is Clay Aiken, the wunderkind from North Carolina. We get a quick profile of Clay swimming laps at the mansion and chugging down some beers with Corey Clark in the rec room. Clay tells us he is going to be singing "Macho Man" by YMCA.



    Clay shows his incredible range, sounding like the next coming of Barry White. Paula likes it. Simon says it was good, but that Clay needs to work on losing some weight.

    Next up is Joshua Gracin. A lot of people have been wondering how he was going to pull off a country disco song. What song could he possibly sing? It appears he is going to be singing "Snake Shake" a song first sung in the late 50's that reappeared at the end of the disco era. Josh comes out donning something that could only be described as a half ass sombrero and does his best John Travolta "Urban Cowboy" line dancing impression.



    Simon tells him he is awful. Josh challenges him to another pushup contest claiming he was cheated on the results show. Simon says he'll only do it if the rest of the contestants do.



    Now we see a profile of the recovering Corey Clark. Apparently, Mr. Aiken drank him under the table and Corey is just now regaining his voice. Corey tells us that he is going to be singing "Le Freak" by Chic. He also says that he was made for disco. One look at his renewed image and I can only say "Ummm yea."



    Corey is amazing. Simon cries he is so moved and tells the crowd that "after this performance, Corey is the one to beat." Paula says "You have such an amazing presence Corey. You really shine. You are what this competition is all about."

    Ruben Stoddard is up next. He's going to be singing "Shake Shake Shake" by KC and the Sunshine Band. The crowd gasps when he walks out onto the stage. He's NOT wearing a 205 jersey.



    Ruben shows the world that he has some dance moves. He shakes and shakes. Two of the revolving balls fall from overhead. One crashes onto J.D. Adams. No one notices. The other falls into the seating section reserved for Carmen Rasmussen's fans. Fortunately, it's empty and no one is hurt.

    Speaking of the devil, Carmen is up next. She tells us she's going to be singing a song she personally relates to, "Staying Alive" by the Bee Gees. Carmen looks smokin' hot. Kind of reminds me of a singer named Christy Love who plays in a disco tribute band called Boogie Wonderland here in Minneapolis.



    Following Carmen is yet another blonde bombshell, Kimberly Caldwell. She tells us in her profile that she is choosing a song that hits upon her every wish and desire. The song is "It's Raining Men." Miss Caldwell ironed out the curls and is wearing a revealing red outfit sure to entice every 12 year old boy and 80 year old man to dial her number for two hours straight just so they can see what she wears next week.



    Kim finishes her song and blows kisses to the crowd. She looks towards where J.D. was sitting and sees that he is no longer there. A look of puzzlement comes over her, and then she shrugs her shoulder and motions for Clay to come nuzzle her, hoping his presence will help the judge's to say something nice about her. For once, Simon is speechless. He's asleep.

    Trenyce follows Kim and is consistent as always, singing "Hot Stuff" by Donna Summers. Trenyce comes out looking strikingly similar to the former disco diva.



    She's been in the bottom three the first two weeks. Was there anything Julia DeMato could do to survive one more week? Julia explains in her profile that the reason she is lacking confidence is because Simon picks on her and because that mean Mrs. Caldwell keeps flashing a sign that says "Julia sucks" whenever she is on stage. She's going to be singing "Dancing Queen" by Abba. I can only laugh.



    Paula stops Julia in mid-performance and starts to choreograph a routine for her. It's no use, however, and Julia continues to do her Carlton from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air impression.

    Rickey Smith arrives and tells us he will be singing "Ring My Bell" by Anita Ward. Somewhere in the matter of a week, Rickey gained that male hormone called testosterone and grew facial hair.



    Last, but certainly not least, is Miss Kimberly Locke. She tells us in her profile how wonderful she is, and how she has been training for this moment her entire life. She finishes by saying, and I quote, "It really shouldn't matter what I look like. As long as I don't sing like a dog, I should be the American Idol." Kim will be singing "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy" by Rod Stewart. Ahhhhhhhh NOOOOOO, the curls are back. I liked the straight hair, Kim, why'd you have to go and do that?



    Kim hits all the high notes in her performance and Paula gives us the how refreshing line for the 800th time this season. Simon finishes the show by telling Kim "You have a great voice, but if I'm going to be honest here, you just don't look like an American Idol."

    Roll credits.
    Last edited by hazyshadeof; 03-21-2003 at 11:22 AM.
    I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, I know you'll be a star in somebody else's eyes... but why... why... why can't it be me?

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    That is so hilarious!! Wow!

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    FORT Fan Crystal's Avatar
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    Re: What disco night might look like

    Ruben shows the world that he has some dance moves. He shakes and shakes. Two of the revolving balls fall from overhead. One crashes onto J.D. Adams. No one notices. The other falls into the seating section reserved for Carmen Rasmussen's fans. Fortunately, it's empty and no one is hurt.

    --------------------


    My personal favorite. Made me laugh out loud.

    What a wit! This forum has the best people and the best talent anywhere out there. I am proud to belong to such a great group of people.[B]

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    FORT Regular abstractedxXxx's Avatar
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    i liked that
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    Sleeping with George W
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    Ok, that made my day!


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    I was going to post it in "jive" talk but figured I'd do that after people read it first ('cuz jive can be a little hard to understand). Glad some of ya'll enjoyed this.
    I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, I know you'll be a star in somebody else's eyes... but why... why... why can't it be me?

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    Chihuahua's rule! drkim's Avatar
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    Great job - we all need some humor right now. Thanks for the fun hazy.
    Spay and Neuter your Pets!
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    Evil Slash Crazy Miss Filangi's Avatar
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    VERY well done Hazy!

    (you don't mind a little cheering from the lemmings, do ya?)
    If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker.
    It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.


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    Bye, I'm Spent! dahoney7's Avatar
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    Haha...That was great! Thanks for a good laugh!

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    Cheer on ya lemmings (what is up with that anyway, what ever happened to good ol' fashioned graciousness for someone taking the time to write up a good review?)

    Here is the "jive" version sans pictures.

    It's Disco Night on American Idol and ya' kin tell de producers gots' spared no 'espense in makin' dis as real as possible. What it is, Mama! De packed studio be illuminated only by de rotatin' balls danglin' fum over'haid, and flashin' lights blazin' across de stage. What it is, Mama! It reminds me uh my homey Vinnie's bedroom back in college. What it is, Mama! All it's missin' be de flashin' blue neon Mens Room sign dat he stole fum Mooses.

    Ryan Seacrest be nowhere t'be found. Dramatic Voiceova' Man tells us Mr. Ah be baaad... Seacrest be out ill. Apparently, he's allergic t'polyester. Ah be baaad... In his place dey gots' brought back one uh de contestants. Who could it be? Keid? One could only imagine whut kind'a outfit, o' beatal rendishuns, he might to'ment us wid. A two hour show could turn into five. What it is, Mama! Finally, we catch some glimpse uh who it is.

    It's Vanessa Olivarez ladies and gentleman. 'S coo', bro. De audience goes nuts - dey seem genuinely happy t'see her. Ah be baaad... Vanessa walks down, struttin' ha' stuff, as if she knowed she'd be back on dis stage soona' rada' dan later. Ah be baaad... She tells us dey gots' brought in some very special celebrity judge dis week. Dis sucka' not only grew down in de disco era, but he's also knode fo' his beatal appearances back in de early 90's. He moved onto big-assga' and betta' din's fo' around some decade, and plum recently decided t'get back in de limelight.

    De goats scream as if it's Justin Guarini, and Mr. Ah be baaad... C snatch'd some bow. He surveys de crowd, 'estends some fin'a' towards someone near de front uh de crowd, and winks. De camera pans t'see who he be moshunin' at, and we git some tight shot uh Kim Caldsheeit's moda' frantically wavin' and blowin' kisses in de direcshun uh de 'es prez.

    Slap mah fro! Vanessa info'ms us dat Randy Buckwheatson be unable t'make it today as he be puh'fo'min' in some reunion special fo' Journey on de baaaad ol' WB netwo'k. We den git some supa' fine shot uh Paula and Simon in deir disco attire. What it is, Mama!

    Finally, it's time fo' de contestants t'show us whut dey are made of. What it is, Mama! First down be Clay Aiken, de wunderkind fum No'd Carolina. Sheeeiit. We git some quick pro stash uh Clay swimmin' laps at da damn mansion and chuggin' waaay down some beers wid Co'ey Clark in de rec room. 'S coo', bro. Clay tells us he be goin' t'be sin'in' "Macho Man" by YMCA. Clay shows his incredible range, soundin' likes de next comin' uh Barry White. What it is, Mama! Fuh'rinaa likess it. Simon says it wuz baaaad, but dat Clay needs t'wo'k on losin' some weight.

    Next down be Joshua Gracin. 'S coo', bro. A lot uh sucka's gots' been wonderin' how he wuz goin' t'pull off some country disco song. What song could he possibly sin'? It appears he be goin' t'be sin'in' "Snake Shake" some song fust sung in de late 50's dat reappeared at da damn end uh de disco era. Sheeeiit. Josh comes out donnin' sump'n dat could only be described as some half ass sombrero and duz his best Raz'tus Travolta "Urban Cowboy" line dancin' impression. 'S coo', bro. Simon tells him he be awful. Josh challenges him t'anoda' pushdown contest claimin' he wuz cheated on de results show. Simon says he'll only do it if de rest uh de contestants do.

    Now we see some pro stash uh de recoverin' Co'ey Clark. Apparently, Mr. Ah be baaad... Aiken drank him unda' de table and Co'ey be plum now regainin' his voice. What it is, Mama! Co'ey tells us dat he be goin' t'be sin'in' "Le Freak" by Chic. He also says dat he wuz made fo' disco. One look at his renewed image and ah' can only say "Ummm yea. Sheeeiit." Co'ey be amazin'. Simon cries he be so moved and tells de crowd dat "afta' dis puh'fo'mance, Co'ey be de one t'whup'." Fuh'rinaa says "You's gots' such an amazin' presence Co'ey. Slap mah fro! You's really shine. What it is, Mama! You's are whut dis competishun be all about."

    Ruben Stoddard be down next. He's goin' t'be sin'in' "Shake Shake Shake" by KC and da damn Sunshine Band. De crowd gasps when he walks out onto de stage. What it is, Mama! He's NOT wearin' some 205 jersey. Slap mah fro! Ruben shows de wo'ld dat he gots'ta some boogy moves. He shakes and shakes. Two uh de revolvin' balls fall fum over'haid. One crashes onto J.D. Adams. No one notices. De oda' falls into de seatin' secshun reserved fo' Carmen Rasmussen's fans. Fo'tunately, it's empty and no one be hurt.

    Speakin' uh de devil, Carmen be down next. She tells us she's goin' t'be sin'in' some song she sucka'ally relates to, "Stayin' Alive" by de Bee Gees. Carmen looks smokin' hot. Kind uh reminds me uh a sin'a' dojiggerd Christy Love who plays in some disco tribute band called Boogie Wonderland here in Minneapolis.

    Followin' Carmen be yet anoda' blonde bombshell, Kimberly Caldsheeit. She tells us in ha' pro stash dat she be choosin' some song dat hits downon ha' every wish and desire. What it is, Mama! De song be "It's Rainin' Men. 'S coo', bro." Miss Caldsheeit ironed out da damn curls and be wearin' some revealin' red outfit sho' nuff t'entice every 12 year old boy and 80 year old dude to dial ha' numba' fo' two hours straight plum so dey kin see whut she wears next week. Kim finishes ha' song and blows kisses t'de crowd. She looks towards where J.D. wuz sittin' and sees dat he be no longa' dere. What it is, Mama! A look uh puzzlement comes ova' her, and den she shrugs ha' shoulda' and moshuns fo' Clay t'come nuzzle her, hopin' his presence gots'ta help de judge's t'say sump'n supa' fine about her. Ah be baaad... Fo' once, Simon be speechless. He's asleep.

    Trenyce follows Kim and be consistent as always, sin'in' "Hot Stuff" by Donna Summers. Trenyce comes out lookin' strikin'ly similar t'de fo'ma' disco diva.

    Sheeeiit. She's been in de bottom dree da damn fust two weeks. Was dere anydin' Julia DeMato could do t'survive one mo'e week? Julia 'esplains in ha' pro stash dat da damn reason she be lackin' confidence be a'cuz Simon picks on ha' and cuz' dat mean Mrs. Caldsheeit keeps flashin' some sign dat says "Julia sucks" wheneva' she be on stage. What it is, Mama! She's goin' t'be sin'in' "Dancin' Queen" by Abba. Sheeeiit. ah' can only laugh. Paula stops Julia in mid-puh'fo'mance and starts t'cho'eograph some routine fo' her. Ah be baaad... It's no use, however, and Julia continues t'do ha' Carlton fum de Fresh Prince uh Bel Air impression. 'S coo', bro.

    Rickey Smid arrives and tells us he gots'ta be sin'in' "Rin' My Bell" by Anita Ward. Somewhere in de matta' of some week, Rickey gained dat male ho'mone called testosterone and grew facial fro.

    Last, but certainly not least, be Miss Kimberly Locke. What it is, Mama! She tells us in ha' pro stash how wonderful she is, and how she gots'ta been trainin' fo' dis moment ha' entire life. What it is, Mama! She finishes by sayin', and ah' quote, "It really shouldn't matta' whut ah' look likes. As long as ah' duzn't sin' likes some dog, ah' should be da damn American Idol." Kim gots'ta be sin'in' "Do Ya Dink I'm Sexy" by Rod Stewart. Ahhhhhhhh NOOOOOO, de curls are back. ah' likesd da damn straight fro, Kim, why'd ya' gots'ta go and do dat? Kim hits all de high notes in ha' puh'fo'mance and Fuh'rinaa gives us de how refreshin' line fo' de 800d time dis season. 'S coo', bro. Simon finishes de show by tellin' Kim "You's gots' some great voice, but if I'm goin' t'be honest here, ya' plum duzn't look likes an American Idol."

    Roll credits.
    I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, I know you'll be a star in somebody else's eyes... but why... why... why can't it be me?

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