AGT2 Ep. 2 Recap: Hooray for Hollyweird

[SnowflakeGirl]

As Madonna says, everybody comes to Hollywood; surely that includes million dollar talent shows! (Yes, it does…and don’t call me Shirley.) So it goes, AMERICA’S GOT TALENT continues by slouching towards Hollywood—that’s Los Angeles, California, the “entertainment capitol of the world.” New host Jerry Springer proves adept at handling the kind of crowd L.A. attracts. After all the years helming his talk show, he is an experienced ringleader of sideshow freaks. The judges continue to be some of the biggest freaks of all; although this time it isn’t a Piers Morgan and Sharon Osbourne fight that’s the main event…It’s the Hoff and his ego.

Too Hoff to Handle

The AGT stage in Los Angeles is all abuzz with anticipation. This audition round, as you probably know, will determine which acts will return for the call back rounds in Las Vegas. The start of the auditions, however, is being held up by the conspicuous absence of one of AGT’s main players. “As usual, we’re waiting for ‘the star’,” Piers says, with a sarcastic roll of the eyes and punctuated by bitter digital air quotes. Could it be that Monsieur Le Hoff is making a habit of playing the Prima Donna? Nooo!

Outside, a crowd of cheering fans goes positively apoplectic at the sight of David Hasselhoff exiting a limo. The Hoff comes out to embrace his adoring public (literally and figuratively), clearly enjoying every minute of it. Meanwhile, Piers and Sharon are clearly not enjoying every minute they have to wait for their co-star. “David is aaalways the last to turn up,” Sharon declares.

Piers and Sharon have all ready taken their seats before the studio audience while crickets and tumbleweed blow over the void where David Hasselhoff’s ass should be. The two Brits looks pissed (in the American sense, which means they look cross, and not the British sense, which would mean they were drunk—that is, after all, the Hoff’s domain). And who can blame them? They are left waiting as the Hoff changes and gets some last minute hair and make up touch ups.

Finally, the Hoff strides out like the cock of the walk, jokingly looking at his watch and pantomiming running in slow motion. I wonder if he’s been drinking again. He could be wasted right now, and thinking he’s back in his Baywatch days, doing his famous slow-mo sprint across the sand. When Piers thanks David for “popping in,” the Hoff just laughs like a guy with an iron-clad contract.

Wow! Wonderful, Weird, and Wild

Are you sure this is the Los Angeles audition? I could swear we were still in Dallas, as our premiere act is a jovial, lasso-twirling cowboy in full Woody-from-Toy Story regalia. Johnny Lonestar, from Branson, MO, is here to revive the lost art of…uh, cowboying? With an ever-present smile and shining with joy and vigor, Johnny twirls his lasso into physics-defying shapes and figures; not only that, he moves with and jumps through his rope as if it were a living dance partner. Piers X’es him early on, but Johnny does not let this get him down—his act only gets better and more energetic, involvingsome truly impressive leaps into and around his lasso. “You are the happiest cowboy I have ever seen,” Sharon declares, making Johnny holler like a coyote caught in a foxtrap, adding, “You have a fabulous smile.” Piers pooh-poohs Johnny’s act, dismissing him as simply “twirling a rope around and making a rather strange, mincing dance” and saying he’d prefer it if Johnny was the type of cowboy that shot something. Wow, who’d peg Piers to be a card-carrying member of the NRA? The Hoff, however, begs to differ, and thinks Johnny represents a great cross-section of the unique talents America has to offer. So Johnny gets in to the Vegas round with enthusiastic invitations from Sharon and the Hoff, and Piers is left to play with his gun on his own.

Big, soulful-eyed singer-songwriter Cinda Ramseur (Valley Village, CA) has been struggling for over 25 years to make it in the music industry. Despite the difficulties raising two children and worrying over how to pay her electrical bill, her passion for her craft still burns inside of her, and it shows. When she comes out to perform for the judges, she gracefully sings “One Night Only” a cappella, knocking out the tough crowd and judges alike. Sharon says she doesn’t hink anyone will forget Cinda’s name after a performance like that. Even Piers says “Whatever happens, you can look back on this moment and say you gave it everything.” David feels she did a great job, and is just the sort of talent they’re looking for. It’s unanimous. Cinda will be coming back, and you can tell from her expression just how grateful she is. Maybe singing a Dreamgirls song is good luck in this competition? Hey it worked for Bianca, hopefully it will take Cinda far as well.

Maybe Laticia Widman should have sung "Fake Your Way To The Top," because “I Will Survive” did nothing for her. Laticia’s unique vocal style entails singing with her mouth closed, cheeks puffed out like a hamster hoarding lunch up in there. She is X’ed out immediately by the judges, but pleads, in her tightlipped way, “I love you, David!” When Laticia opens her mouth to try and speak normally, Jerry yells, “Keep your mouth shut!” He seems to enjoy the idea of a woman who keeps her mouth closed all the time a little too much. Was it from all those years of talk show guests screeching, “You don’t know me!”, “Oh you di’in’t!”, or “You slept with my mom? And my grandmother too?!!”

This act is the perfect segue into the montage of strange acts that have no place in this world other than AGT, on crowded corners of public parks, or in mental institutions (and I don’t mean for the patients, if you catch my drift). There’s a guy who makes horn sounds with his mouth, another guy who makes “music” (actually wet, farty sounds) with his hand, another guy who plays a schizo Sonny/Cher (in half ‘n’ half drag), and one guy who plays Houdini in a front-loading washing machine. The washing machine guy’s act is by far the most interesting, especially since Jerry nearly kills the guy when he’s unable to open the washing machine door (you can see washing machine guy’s left shoulder bleeding a little if you pause it as he’s escaping his soapy prison). It’s no to all these fellows, but I bet we’ll be seeing them again, especially if they decide to do another Wacky Act side competition.

Hep Cats and a Hip Hop Kid

AGT can get pretty wild. And by that, I’m referring to the all the wildlife. Auditions not only let the cat(s) out of the bag, but it [i]let the dogs out too and also proved to be for the birds. Any animal you could think of was probably there to try out, even snakes! What kind of dog and pony show is this? The crème de la crème of animal acts, however, turned out to be the Popovich Comedy Pet Theater. A clown-like ringleader brings out a crew of truly amazing felines who perform feats of derring do, like cross narrow beams, jump through hoops, and balance atop high poles. Hoff has never seen anything like this act, and observes how much the cats (from animal shelters) clearly love Popovich. Sharon thinks they’re “amazing” and wants to pet the kitties. Piers says he only X’ed them because he wanted to see if he could throw the cat off at the precise moment it was about to jump, and the cat did well in spite of this. Remind me never to take Piers to events like, say, a golf tournament or a funeral, because he seems like the type who’d make a scene at one of these. All in all, Piers thinks Popovich et al are “pretty good.” All three judges put these cats through to round two.

What’s that old adage about not working with kids or animals? Well forget about around here, AGT is lousy with both. But this isn’t always a bad thing. Next up is a cute little 11-year-old kidlet from Stevenson Ranch, CA by the name of Colton Burton, a.k.a. “Lil C.” Adorable as Colton is, he came from a rough background of abuse. In foster care when he first entered dance school, he was adopted and “blossomed in a secure environment.” “I don’t think I need anything but my mom, that’s just what my prize is,” says Lil C, but he still has ambitions to be a singer, rapper and dancer, “All of it.” He comes out like gangbusters, doing crazy flips in the air, and rapping a quick, cursory rhyme. He then says, “Man, I’m tired of rapping, let’s dance,” and then really gets rolling, his thrilled mom backstage. The Hoff says the rapping was “a little rough at the beginning” but when Lil C started dancing “You just blew my mind.” Sharon agrees that the dancing was amazing, but thinks his rap also needs work. Piers thinks Colton should do away with the rap altogether, but feels he is a “brilliant dancer.” It’s a yes from the whole panel, though, who hopes he takes their advice when they see him next in Vegas.

Show Biz Can Be a Drag

Backstage, a lovely waif who looks vaguely like Lindsay Lohan with Crystal Gayle hair in an ethereal gown paces nervously as a friend speaks on her behalf. “She gets nervous,” the friend says, saying that like another songstress, Celine Dion, Max doesn’t speak before a performance to save her voice. And wow, what a voice that is! Before the judges, Max opens her mouth to sing Crash Test Dummies’ “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm,” which, if you’re not familiar, requires a very deep, bass baritone voice…or perhaps a third testicle. The judges, sadly, take a pass on Max.

That’s right, this lovely lady is not a biological female, and she’s not the only drag queen at the auditions today. There’s a whole delegation of transgender performers at AGT today, including our next act, Norman Manchester, a tall drink of water with a black Vidal Sassoon bob who looks like the love child of Alan Cumming and Shelley Duvall. She performs the cheer to Tony Basil’s “Hey Mickey” but gets the triple X. Jerry comes out to defend her, saying “These are my people.” Is Jerry “in the life”? I’m surprised I didn’t see him at Pride last weekend, heyyy!

Tammie Brown (Long Beach, CA) looks like Marlene Dietrich cross-bred in a laboratory with Lucille Ball. Her act, which she describes as “singing and dancing and prancing” consists of Tammie shuffling about chanting, “Happy as a clam, oh yes I am,” ad nauseum. She doesn’t get through either. “You boys rule on my show,” Jerry tells Tammie as she does the walk of shame offstage. “Fierce,” Tammie replies at Jerry’s words of consolation.

So far, the she-males are not doing too well as far as the judges are concerned. That is, until Grannie Pearl comes to town. Big, black, bodacious, and busty, Grannie Pearl is the creation of Darnell (El Cajon, CA), a former homeless man who eventually overcame adversity, a comedic character who is a combination of his “Grannie, auntie, and mother” who are “beautiful, strong, independent women.” His act is a stand up routine that warmly pokes fun at her obsession with food (she gives directions to places by using fast food places as landmarks), aging (“I’m old but my Sanjaya still works, Baby.”), and body image. Sharon loves it, deeming the act “very funny.” David is “kind of afraid of” Grannie Pearl, perhaps because she could kick his ass with one hand, but liked the act. Piers “rather enjoyed” Grannie Pearl, but despite thinking her “quite funny,” questions whether this is a million dollar act, and says no. Sharon is a definite yes, so the decision is down to David. The Hoff hesitates, murmuring, “It is a million dollar competition…” “If you’re selling it by the pound, I’m worth more than that!” Grannie snaps. With the crowd chanting her name, Grannie gets one more chance to come back.

Magic Man

Eli Kerr and his sister Katie bring a little magic to the proceedings with their fun and fast-paced act that includes fire-eating, disappearing (and reappearing) women in the smallest magic box I have ever seen pierced through by flaming spears, and the feeling that if The Matrix were a magic act, this is would be it (or maybe it’s just the music and S&M costumes). Piers, discriminating as he is, deems the act “quite good, actually” and adds that Eli looks “quite evil.” Coming from Piers, that is a compliment, I suppose since he often seems as he himself just emerged from hellfire. Sharon loves that he is “like a heavy metal magician.” The Hoff’s eyes twinkle with lecherous delight as he asks whether both the girls are Eli’s sisters. “The Magic of Eli Kerr” will absolutely be back for the Vegas round.

Move over, Shakira! Galadin’s in town. This smiley male belly dancer from Las Vegas who’s not afraid to wear sequins, is tons of slinky, bouncy, shirtless, waxed chest fun. The audience and judges explode in laughter at first, but then the cheers turn to jeers. The audience boos and the male judges both give Galadin the X. Sharon is the only one who looks delighted by Galadin’s gallivanting. “My darling, you are as camp as Christmas and I just love you,” Sharon tells a glowing Galadin, who loves her too. The Hoff’s masculinity might be threatened because he says, “I don’t know what to think.” While the men of the panel mull over their feelings, another shirtless performer comes writhing onto the stage. Yes, it’s a topless Jerry Springer, undulating half naked to the chants of his name. Wow, after Dancing with the Stars, it seems Jerry is all too ready to dance at the drop of a hat (or shirt, as the case may be). Piers X’es Jerry out while everyone else gives him a standing ovation. Ultimately, only Jerry will be coming back to Vegas…Galadin is out, as Sharon is his only champion.

Rockabye Babies

The next act, from Claremont, CA, is a rockabilly band called “Johnny Come Lately.” They are all super cute and super talented (and get bonus points for a rockin’ female drummer), but since they’re only 15 years old, they find that they aren’t taken seriously on the performance circuit. They really should be, however! Their version of “Hound Dog” rocks my multi-colored unicorn socks right off. They embody the true spirit of rockabilly and their high energy performance exudes confidence as if they are at star status all ready. I particularly love the solo with the lead guitarist perched on top of the upright bass. These kids are way too cool for school and they bring down the house. They impress the fickle crowd and even our pickiest judge. “I’ve got to be honest, that was absolutely brilliant,” Piers admits, which is as close to gushing as he gets. The Hoff thinks they’re “awesome.” Is there any doubt we’ll see Johnny Come Lately in Vegas? Backstage, Jerry Springer seems to be their biggest fan, looking like he was ready to throw down with Piers if he dared say anything negative. Well, I agree, they were indeed “phenomenal” for being 15 or any age.

There’s another young group coming up, headed by the “Valley Girl Rapper” Tika Rainn (Toluca Lake). The girls are XXXed out fairly quickly, with Piers describing it as sound like “a cat being microwaved.” Somewhere, Popovich is clutching his kitties tightly in fear of Piers. Tika thinks they “don’t understand rap” and Sharon argues, “I just don’t think your rapping was very good.” So it’s back to the Valley for Tika, who leaves by mooning the judges, smacking both cheeks for emphasis. Hoff yells out, “Bring ‘em back!” Oh Hoff, such the bun man.

Next up are twin musicians Hason and Nolan (Laguna Niguel, CA) who sacrificed their social lives to practice singing and violin. Pity, they should have gone to the prom, because that could have been their ticket to getting laid. Music is not. Now, despite what Piers says, their fiddling is to me the sound of a cat caterwauling in a microwave. Scratch that, make it TWO cats getting microwaved. They get a quick XXX, not even getting to sing; the judges give them one more chance, but then the buzzers go off again. Piers says, “I didn’t think anything could be more irritating than your violin playing, and then you sang.” The judges deem them “geeks” and toss them aside.

Tough Crowd

Jerry, defender of the helpless and hopeless, mutters, “The judges, what are they expecting?” A flair bartender (who looks like he could use a drink) drops a bottle and gets dropped from the competition. No one knows who a John Travolta impressionist is trying to impersonate—these people are obviously not at Operating Thetan level V! A gymnast is compared to a “glamorous crab.” A crooner is told not to “give up your desk job” by the Hoff. Everyone’s getting cranky, including Sharon’s dog Minnie, who tries to bite Piers.

Will the Disco Granny boost everyone’s mood? “75 years young” Diana Augone (Los Angeles, CA) got into dancing when her husband passed away, an activity that keeps her “young at heart.” She favors “short skirts and bling-bling” and isn’t afraid to be herself. Diana shakes her booty for the judges while singing “Last Dance.” Although she is a crowd pleaser, Sharon is the only one who loves Diana and gives her a definitive yes. Despite initially X’ing her out (comparing her unfavorably to his drunken granny at Christmas), Piers second guesses himself and decides to give Diana one more chance. There’s just something about her Piers can’t quite put his finger one. My guess: Gal’s got great gams for a granny!

Will comedienne Cocoa Brown of Glendale, CA be the last comic standing on the AGT stage? The Hoff accidentally hitting the buzzer before she even begins might be seen as a bad omen, but Cocoa doesn’t miss a beat. Cocoa talks about what it’s like to be big (size 12 or up) in L.A., a town where men are more attracted to women the size of “mic stands.” She also talks about how the saleswomen at Victoria’s Secret always ask her if she’s lost, to which she replies, “Forget you, I was getting lotion.” She is also right on about how small-chested women get the pretty bras, while more full-sized styles look like “bulletproof vests.” Sharon, the crowd and even the Hoff are laughing, but what does Piers think? “I couldn’t understand a word you were saying but I still found you incredibly funny.” Cocoa’s got the perfect comeback, “Next time I do my set,” she switches to a strong cockney accent, “Maybe I’ll do it like this and maybe you’ll understand what I’m saying.” Piers nearly falls over laughing. Everybody loves Cocoa, and they can’t wait to bring her back for Vegas.

17 year old extreme pogo athlete Fred Grzybowski (Rittman, OH) bounces around to OK Go, but his high energy doesn’t flag even after he gets three X’es. David thinks it’s “one of the weirdest acts he’s ever seen” but not worth a million. Piers says they’re looking for “the next Sinatra or David Blaine and all you come out and just jump up and down on a big stick.” Sharon is more diplomatic, saying that what he does is like a great new sport but maybe doesn’t have a place on this show. Fred will have to jump out of there. Jerry tells Fred that he thinks he was really good, and he thinks the people at home would agree.

Spin Control

Liang Patti (from Orlando, FL) is a Chinese acrobat who has been doing her thing since she was but a mere 11 years of age. Coming to America to perform in this competition is a “dream come true” for her. In a traditional red costume, Liang comes out, holding six, slender sticks in her two hands, atop which are balanced six simultaneously spinning plates. She executes a number of amazing movements from splits to bending over to balancing on her head…all while keeping the plates going at the same time. Piers buzzes her right at the moment that she is about to do her headstand. It doesn’t appear to phase Liang who continues doing her breathtaking routine without missing a beat (or a plate). When she’s finished, Sharon asks what else she can spin; it turns out Liang can also spin knives (wait for it) in her mouth! Piers admits he only rang the buzzer because he wanted to see if Liang would drop anything. “Why you make me so nervous?” Liang pleads, stricken. Piers maintains he was submitting her to the “ultimate test” and “I’m pleased to say, you passed. Well done.” Liang’s eyes well up with tears that she can’t hold back, admitting Piers scares her. Sharon comforts Liang by saying Piers scares them too; the Hoff comforts Liang by coming out to give her a big hug. Finally, the verdict is in. It’s a unanimous vote through to round two for Liang.

Manuel Romero (Milpitas, CA) has been a singer-songwriter since he was 2. This curly haired cutie is 18 and will do his version of “Ma Cherie Amour.” The young crooner wows the crowd with his silky smooth voice and earns himself a standing ovation (especially from the girls in the audience). “Now this is what the show is all about!” raves the Hoff. Funny, I thought this is what American Idol was all about! Sharon thinks he has a lot of potential, but believes he needs some work; she’d like to see what he could do in Vegas. Piers says, “You have got talent…You nailed it!” It’s official, we’ll be seeing more Manuel in this competition for sure.

Hanne Frederick (Las Vegas, NV) came all the way from Denmark to fulfill her dream of following in the footsteps of her idol, Aretha Franklin. She believes it’s her time to “rock the house.” Well, if anyone wonders why she’s been here since 1988 and still hasn’t made it in the business, once she opens her mouth, it’s abundantly clear. Hanne screeches out “Summertime” like an old rusted out Chevy truck coming to an abrupt stop. Sharon asks if Hanne has ever listened to a recording of her own voice. Piers describes her voice as “painful.” Hanne walks out looking angry, steaming over the way the judges made fun of her.

Ivan, or the “Urban Action Figure” as he calls himself, is a combo B-boy/acro/rhythm and dance man. He tries teaching resident dance expert Jerry some new moves, leading Jerry to ask, “I think I broke something, is that why it’s called breakdancing?” Ivan doesn’t break anything, despite beginning his act with a death defying flip from off a box almost twice his height, and leaping effortlessly over a full-sized park bench. He also dances like a proper B-boy. Piers is pleased; Sharon, almost orgasmic, thinks he’s “very fit” and the 90 seconds “flashed by like that, you were unstoppable.” The Hoff says they should have him back. Piers, despite thinking Ivan was good earlier, says no to a call back, because he thinks what Ivan is doing is more of a sport. Sharon hesitates, causing the crowd to clamor for more. Sharon defers to the “fourth judge” and yells out that Ivan is “going to Vegas.”

It’s getting down to the wire. Elementary school music teacher Michael Strelo-Smith (Oakland, CA) says that music “is like breathing to me” and this warm, sensitive man talks about his struggle with singing after his grandmother passed away, “so for me to be here, it’s more than just the excitement of being on TV it’s really my first venture out as a singer again.” Michael sings “This is the Moment” and gets buzzed out by Piers and Sharon; but David, being a Broadway musical performer himself, seems to respect Michael tackling this difficult song and not only lets Michael finish, but gives him a standing ovation when he’s done. The audience also gets up on their feet. “That is actually one of the most difficult songs in the world to sing and I think you did a fantastic job,” the Hoff opines. Piers commends Michael for not crumbling after getting buzzed, but instead getting stronger at the finish. Sharon says she just doesn’t like his type of voice, but Michael begs her to bring him back and he’ll show them more. The Hoff is definitely a yes, Piers says no…so it’s all on Sharon. “I’m a regular guy with extraordinary potential so please give me the chance,” Michael pleads. How can you say no to this? Sharon can’t, plus the crowd is chanting “Bring him back.” Michael then throws in, “I hop that some day you will admire me as much as I admire you, Mrs. Osbourne.” “You are good, you little Sugarmouth, you,” Sharon drawls, and Michael is in! And on that note, we are out for this week of AGT. Tune in next week for deep dish on the Chicago auditions.

My Sanjaya’s still working, Baby! snowflakegirl@fansofrealitytv. com

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[Jewelsy]

;rofl Awesome recap, Snowylicious!

[dagwood]

Great recap as always, Snowy.

[famita]

Snowflake, great recap! All hail to you to have such a full recap! Don't you ever get tired of the flops and misfits?

[Ellen]

Great recap -- it's such a painless alternative to actually watching this dreck. I work with visitors from other countries, and whenever they mention this show, I feel the need to apologize.