The Amazing Race All-Stars 4/29 Recap: When Teletubbies Attack

[waywyrd]

Let me get this straight - this is the All-Stars season, right? The best of the best, and all that good stuff? We’re almost down to the final three, so we should have only the best racers left. The cream of the crop. Yes? So, someone please explain to me how it is that we still have people on this show who cannot read a map. No clue how to budget their money. Can’t drive a stick shift to save their lives. Can’t use a GPS. Basically, I don’t think some of these people could find their ass with both hands. But anyway. Tonight’s show definitely has a military theme, so break out the camouflage and get ready to go commando with me...

Karma’s A Big Ol’ Bitch
After Phil gives us a quick recap of last week (featuring Oswald and Danny’s 30 minute penalty and Eric’s idiotic tantrum at having been yielded again), Dustin and Kandice take off at 2:15 am. They must travel over 7500 miles to the island of Guam in the South Pacific. Once they land, they will have to drive themselves 9 miles to Anderson Air Force Base, where they must choose a military escort to take them to an air traffic control tower for their next clue. The girls get on the 3 am ferry to leave, and tell us how pumped they are for this leg of the race. Charla and Mirna follow the blondes, leaving at 2:50 am. Charla admits that she was a little hesitant to come back for All-Stars because it’s tough on her physically. Hey, it’s not easy being drug around by the hand with your psycho cousin screaming at you to go faster. While Charla talks, Mirna just sits there with her goofy “this is what cool looks like” t-shirt. And what looks to be a new padded bra, because she looks a little more...uplifted than before. But, at least she keeps the girls covered up (I’m looking at you, Danielle). The cousins don’t quite make it onto the 3 am ferry, and have to wait for the 4 am. I can’t believe there are that many people waiting for a ferry in the middle of the night.

Leaving at 3:06 am are Eric and Danielle, and they run into Charla and Mirna. Eric asks if they’ve seen the blondes, but nobody has. He wonders if they went to the airport to research flights, but Mirna pipes up that she doubted it, because Charla said the blondes don’t know how to use the Internet. No, no, says Charla. That’s not what I said. “I haven’t seen them using the Internet,” she corrects. Mirna’s still cackling because she thinks she made a funny, and Eric just looks at the two with a dazed look on his face. But, that’s how he always looks. Last but not least, Oswald and Danny leave at 4:37 am. A very tired looking Ozzy informs us that “karma was a particular bitch” and they got slapped hard on the last leg, but they’ve asked the universe for forgiveness and hope to make up their 30 minute penalty this time. I feel the urge to light some incense and get into the lotus pose for the rest of the show.

How You Say ‘Dumbass’ In China?
What would an Amazing Race episode be without some of Mirna’s condescending drivel aimed at some locals? This time, they’re in a cab headed for the airport, and she’s trying to tell the driver to use his cell phone to call information at the airport. Honestly, I don’t know what kind of accent she’s trying to use this time. It sounds like she has a mouthful of gummi bears to me. “How you say ‘airport’?” she asks the Chinese driver. In perfectly understandable English, he replies “airport.” Mirna just doesn’t get it, telling us that “you have to try to do the right accent - makes all the difference in the world.” I really hope they see what clowns they were when they watch this later on...but I won’t get my hopes up.

Everyone is arriving at the airport except for Oswald and Danny, who are just getting on the 6 am ferry. Dustin and Kandice book a flight leaving at 9:05 am that morning, and arriving at Guam around 9:50 pm that evening. Charla and Mirna rush up to the counter right beside them. Eric and Danielle finally make it, and stand behind the beauty queens in line. One of them comments that Eric looks buff in his tight white shirt, and they all giggle (even Danielle) while Eric looks on with a sheepish grin. Once Dustin and Kandice get their tickets, Eric steps up and says he wants to do the same thing. Kandice snarks that they did all the work, while Eric just came up and said “I’ll have what they’re having.” No big airport ticket drama this time, for a change. Yay.

Cold Shoulder? More Like Arctic Blast
But there is a little connection time drama. Oz and Danny have just made it to the airport, missing the 9:05 flight that the other three teams are on. They get tickets on a 10:15, but will only have 45 minutes to make the connection in Tokyo. As the other teams land in Tokyo and get seated on the connecting flight, they all comment happily that nobody has seen Oz and Danny yet. Wipe those smug grins off your faces, people. The ChaChas are running full-tilt through the airport as they speak, and barely make it onto the plane. None of the other teams say a word to them as they board, and the ChaChas can feel the cold looks as they take their seats. “We’re not sure if we landed in Japan or Alaska. We felt the cold breeze, but we don’t care,” says Oswald. Off to Guam they go.

Once there, they all hop in their cars and drive to the base, only to find that the visitor’s center doesn’t open until 7 am. Good, because some of these people look like they need a nap. Bad. Morning arrives, and the teams all jump to choose one of the military escorts. Why they had five escorts for four teams, I don’t know. One poor guy was left out. Everyone introduces themselves to their escorts and chats with them a bit as they drive. Mirna’s ridiculous accent from earlier has disappeared, and she sounds *gasp* normal. For crying out loud, why can’t she speak like that all the time?

The teams arrive at the air traffic control tower and discover that they must run up the gazillion stairs to reach the next clue. Dustin and Kandice make it first, and Dustin gasps for breath as she open the envelope to read:

• Detour: Care Package or Engine Care. In Care Package, teams must go to a warehouse where they will fill a box with five hundred pounds of supplies. They will then board a massive C-17 cargo plane and watch as the supplies are dropped off at a specified location. This exercise will take about 30 minutes, and there’s a little surprise that Phil doesn’t tell us about until later for this one. In Engine Care, teams must scour clean a B-52 bomber engine pod and flap. When the job is approved by the maintenance officer, teams will get their next clue.

Let Me See You Sweat
Everyone decides to do Engine Care except for Mirna and Charla, who choose to fill the care package. Because Charla likes to help people in need, she says. Too bad her legs aren’t longer, because her cousin is in need of a swift kick in the butt. They’re running to the warehouse and Charla’s doing the best she can, but Mirna screeches at her “Charla, can you run?! Please, Charla, it’s for a million dollars!” She is running. She’s got little legs and a big ol’ badonkadonk booty, give her a break, Mirna. Sheesh.

The other teams don their protective gear and get to scrubbing while Charla and Mirna chunk the supplies in the box. Literally. It’s not an I Don’t Care package, ladies. The guy tells them to pack it with a little love and not throw it like it’s garbage. Hee. Meanwhile, the scrubbers are finding that the task is a little harder than they thought it would be. These engines are filthy. Black, baked-on needs-a-sandblaster filthy. Oswald accidentally sprays the officer with the hose as he checks out their work and apologizes. Dustin and Kandice quickly realize that there is no charming the sergeant. “We weren’t getting anywhere with a smile. We’re going to have to scrub,” admits Kandice. They finally get the sergeant’s approval, and the dirty, sweaty girls get their next clue: drive 21 miles to the U.S. Naval Base in Guam, where they will choose another military escort to drive them further. The blondes are now in the lead. Danny and Oswald are cleared next, with Dani and Eric third. Everyone is exhausted.

At the warehouse, Charla and Mirna reach their five hundred pound goal, tape up the boxes, and head onto the huge plane. “I feel like Top Gun!” yells Mirna. They’re strapped into the seats, and Mirna opens a bag that turns out to be an air sickness bag. She might need that later. The pilot tells them that they will be doing a nosedive, enabling them to feel zero G’s. The cousins squeal with delight as the plane nosedives and they feel weightless. Bleah. I’d be making good use of that barf bag. The care packages are dropped off, and the plane heads back to base as Mirna hollers directions to the pilot to “Come on, let’s make it fast. We’re kind of in a rush.” The plane lands (I’m sure they were in a hurry to dump Mirna off anyway) and the cousins get the clue. They’re in last place at this point.

Dumb and Dumber
Dustin and Kandice find the Naval base with no problem, and choose the only female escort in the lineup. Arriving at the base, they open the clue to reveal a Roadblock. One member of each team will participate in a search and rescue operation, using a GPS to help them locate a “lost” officer. When found, that officer will program new coordinates into the GPS to lead them to a landing field, where the team member must call for a helicopter to pick them up and return them to their waiting team member. The other teams are having trouble finding the base, it seems. Mirna runs into a local store, squawking about life and death until someone offers to show them the way. Drama queen. Oz and Danny enlist the help of a taxi driver to take them there, while Dani and Eric manage to find it on their own.

Dustin performs this Roadblock, as does Danielle. Eric says that this one is much more suited to him, but he’s done all his Roadblocks and cannot perform this one. Mirna and Charla arrive a bit later, and Charla wants to do this Roadblock, saving the last one for Mirna. Mirna tells Charla not to press any buttons on the GPS as she leaves, but does she listen? Nope. Charla keeps pressing buttons, screwing up the device. “Ma’am, you’re not allowed to touch the buttons.” “Ma’am, please stop pressing the buttons.” The poor guide. To his credit, he keeps his cool with Charla, even after telling her over and over and over to Stop. Touching. The. Buttons. I’d have popped her upside the head with the thing after the third warning.

Dustin finds her lost pilot without much trouble, and he programs the new location for her. Off they go. Danielle is right on top of her pilot, but she wanders in the roadway, unable to see him. He’s not going to have a neon arrow pointing at him, woman. Go into the brush and look! Grr. She finally goes into the woods, complains about spiders, and finds the pilot. Charla is still wandering around, messing up the GPS. Oz and Danny are just making it to the base while this is going on.

Having found the pick-up location, Dustin calls for her rescue helicopter and throws a smoke signal out. “This is so cool,” she exclaims. “My brothers will be so jealous!” A grinning Dustin is dropped off to meet Kandice, and they open their clue to reveal the directions to the next Pit Stop, Fort Soledad. Danielle is losing it, crying and calling herself an idiot and wandering around lost. And Charla still can’t keep her paws off the buttons. Oz and Danny finally get there, and Oswald does the Roadblock. He has no trouble using the GPS, but ends up right in front of his pilot, who is hidden in the brush. He can’t see the guy until he steps out into the light and waves his water bottle at Oswald, who can’t believe he was so close. I thought that was against the rules, but whatever. Finally, finally, Danielle finds the right place and gets the helicopter pick-up. Eric breathes a sigh of relief, and they head to the Pit Stop. That leaves Charla and Oswald, who run into each other at the pick-up site. Spying Charla in her military garb, Oz exclaims ‘Oh my god, the teletubbies go to war.” I love this guy. Charla makes it back first, and Danny hugs the cousins before they go, congratulating them. He knows they’re last, unless someone gets lost on the way to the Pit Stop....

After some forced dramatic editing, the teams finish like this:

1st - Dustin and Kandice. For their trouble, they win a pair of ATVs. “Do you have any idea how many toys you guys now have?” asks Phil. “We love our toys!” yells Kandice. Phil grins. I laugh.
2nd - Eric and Danielle. It’s Eric’s second time in the finals, and Dani’s first. Phil says that Eric should be proud of her for beating out such strong competition. Like, who?
3rd - Charla and Mirna. Damn, damn, damn. Sorry, Mirna lovers. I’m not a member of the I Heart Mirna fan club.
Eliminated - Oswald and Danny. They get the sad piano music as Phil tells them the news, but they said they had an awesome time. And they want Charla and Mirna to win it. Huh?

Well, phooey. One of the two teams I really like is eliminated. The guys wax poetic about how much fun they had, and how they’ll always have each other in their lives. Even when Danny opens his “gay nursing home,” as he puts it, he’ll have Oswald to push him around in his wheelchair. “Hopefully by then, he won’t speak so much that he’ll be interrupting me every time I say something,” Oswald quips. Farewell, guys.

Join us next week for suncat’s awesome recap of the finale. Looks like there will be more helicopters, some canoeing, and Dustin and Kandice get into a fight over something. Oh, the drama. Here’s hoping your favorite team wins!


This recap brought to you very late courtesy of my cable company. Thanks, guys! PM me with any comments right here.

[Google]

 

[suncat7]

How You Say ‘Dumbass’ In China?

She is running. She’s got little legs and a big ol’ badonkadonk booty, give her a break, Mirna. Sheesh.

Charla and Mirna. Damn, damn, damn.

Fantastic job, Waywyrd!

[Oceansands]

waywyrd thanks for the great recap.

someone please explain to me how it is that we still have people on this show who cannot read a map. No clue how to budget their money. Can’t drive a stick shift to save their lives. Can’t use a GPS. Basically, I don’t think some of these people could find their ass with both hands.

Love your description of "All Stars".

I've noticed that the first team to arrive at pit stop isn't always an advantage. Seems when they arrive at an airport, bus depot or train station first the place is closed for hours allowing the other teams to catch up. I've also noticed the blondes never have problems the other teams have. They always get a car that works, never a flat tire, never out of gas or engine trouble. Their taxi drivers always know exactly where to go, never gets lost or stuck in traffic. I would think occasionally they would run into these problems that the other racers run into. Sure makes me wonder!

[MotherSister]

Originally Posted by waywyrd

Karma’s A Big Ol’ Bitch

How You Say ‘Dumbass’ In China?

Charla and Mirna chunk the supplies in the box. Literally. It’s not an I Don’t Care package, ladies.

To his credit, he keeps his cool with Charla, even after telling her over and over and over to Stop. Touching. The. Buttons. I’d have popped her upside the head with the thing after the third warning.

Phil says that Eric should be proud of her for beating out such strong competition. Like, who?

Great recap, waywyrd!

[lildago]

Basically, I don’t think some of these people could find their ass with both hands. But anyway. Tonight’s show definitely has a military theme, so break out the camouflage and get ready to go commando with me...

How You Say ‘Dumbass’ In China?


And what looks to be a new padded bra, because she looks a little more...uplifted than before.

She’s got little legs and a big ol’ badonkadonk booty, give her a break, Mirna. Sheesh.

Very funny recap, waywyrd! I'm still laughing about the little legs and badonkadonk booty comment.

[Slow Runner]

Great recap. I am really struggling deciding for whom I am cheering. I can't really say that I like the beauty queens. Something about Eric and Danielle bothers me. But I definitely cannot stand Charla and Myrna. I guess it's down to the "lesser of all evils" for me. That being said, I guess I pull for E&D.

Looking forward to the finale.

[CCL]

Great recap, waywyrd.

[Unit312J]

Anybody heard if there is a new one to look forward to come September, or do I need to pause and give a moment of silence to the greatest show ever after this finale????

[Leo]

Terrific recap, waywyrd.

[dagwood]

Originally Posted by waywyrd

Basically, I don’t think some of these people could find their ass with both hands.

Too bad her legs aren’t longer, because her cousin is in need of a swift kick in the butt.

The poor guide. To his credit, he keeps his cool with Charla, even after telling her over and over and over to Stop. Touching. The. Buttons. I’d have popped her upside the head with the thing after the third warning.

Excellent.