As much as I don’t care for non-elimination legs, at least Phil has used them to save teams I like this season, so I can’t complain too much. Yep, the Philiminator has to pull another one out his pocket this episode to save another team from their stupid mistakes. Let’s hope they do better than Jeff and Jordan, who never could make up the lost time after their save.
The Seventh Sign
Phil informs us that not only are teams headed to the lush Seychelles Islands, but that 7 Up is the sponsor for this, the seventh leg of the Race. Take that, Gnome. There will be no flight drama this go round, since all teams will be on the same plane. Not much traffic from France to the Seychelles, I imagine. There will, however, be much butchering of the pronunciation of Seychelles - from the cowboys’ “Say chilies” to Brent and Caite’s “Say kill eez.” Carol and Brandy are the only team to pronounce it correctly, and that’s probably the only good thing I’ll have to say about those two in this recap.
Louie and Michael think they’re racing smarter, which instantly dooms them to do something stupid on this leg. Kiss first place goodbye, guys. Jet and Cord just want to go somewhere English is spoken, while baseball coach Steve compares the Race to being in the World Series. Carol and Brandy are thinking of wearing bathing suits as soon as they find out where they’re going. Say, how is the shark population in the Seychelles, anyway?
Amazingly, Brent and Caite have the foresight to pick seats at the front of the plane, as do Dan and Jordan. Carol thinks about it, too, but only after they’ve gotten their tickets. Too late. And the duh moment of this segment goes to the cowboys and the detectives, who all head off to grab some food instead of securing good tickets. They even get the “uh oh” sound effect that editing loves to add. Not the “you’re a dumbass” gong sound, but the other one. You know what I’m talking about.
So in the race to grab numbers from the kiosk after landing, Brent and Caite’s plan worked - they get the number one, with Dan and Jordan and Steve and Allie getting two and three. The last three teams are out of luck, having to sit on their duffs for an hour and wait for the helicopters to return. Carol and Brandy bitch (shocking!) that the strongest three teams are last, and that Brent and Caite just got lucky. Whatever, heifers. In her helicopter, Caite shares that she just wants the Mean Lesbians out. As do I, girl.
A Detour awaits once the helicopters land - teams must choose one of the cutely named tasks: Turtle Toddle or Ox Trot. One involves luring a giant tortoise across a field with a banana, then toting a huge bunch of bananas to the harbor. The other has teams loading a pile of coconuts into a cart, attaching an ox to said cart, then delivering it to the harbor.
Steve thinks turtles rock almost as much as beer, so he wants to do that task. Allie leads the turtle out of his box and down the field with a banana, while Dan and Jordan and Brent and Caite start tossing coconuts in carts. The camera shows a lone coconut that Caite tossed over the cart, laying unnoticed on the ground as they take off for the harbor. I laugh. Then the camera shows Steve and Allie’s backpacks, laying on the ground as they trundle off with their bananas. I yell at them, but they don’t hear me. Stupid must be contagious with this cast.
Brent and Caite’s ox wants to misbehave the whole way there, taking his sweet time. Or perhaps he just wants to get away from their childish, incessant fighting. I hate you. You smell. Do not. Do too! Ugh. After a commemorative poop by Dan and Jordan’s ox, they dub the critter “Box” after their dad (?) and proceed to run right by Brent and Caite, which pisses them off further. Meanwhile, Steve and Allie are getting banana goo all over themselves on the trek to the harbor.
Once there, Brent and Caite are denied by the harbor guy: not enough coconuts! Brent doesn’t understand, and whines about quitting. I don’t know what’s so hard to understand about “not enough coconuts,” but whatever. They eventually shut up and head back as the second wave of teams arrive. Jet and Cord and Louie and Michael all start tossing coconuts while Carol and Brandy try out the turtles. Not surprisingly, the turtle completely ignores their attempts to lure him out, paying no heed to the banana treat and nipping Brandy in the process. He probably just wants to get as far from them as he can. I know how you feel, fella.
The Mean Lesbians give up and go load coconuts, as the camera pans to yet another missed coconut on the ground, this one belonging to the cowboys. They take off, unaware of the missing one. I yell at the tv once again. After Brandy whacks Carol in the head with a stray coconut (by accident? Maybe…) they finish loading, and snicker when they pass Brent and Caite heading back. Joke’s on them, however, as they too have left one coconut laying on the ground.
Contagious, I tell you.
While the nut crowd gets their messes sorted out with several return trips and quite a bit of arguing, Steve and Allie have boarded the boat to take them to St. Pierre island and the waiting Roadblock. It’s at this point that they realize their backpacks are no longer with them. Steve saves the day by revealing he has the passports and money with him in a separate pouch, but Allie isn’t too keen on leaving her clothes and makeup behind. Steve convinces her that she can do without, and they soldier on.
Dumb Diver Down
This Roadblock has team members diving a few feet down and retrieving a tied up bottle from a box. Inside the bottle is the map to the Pit Stop. Since this has to do with bottles, Steve jumps all over it and wastes no time in nabbing the sunken bottle. They head back to the beach, having to swim part of the way, and begin to put their map pieces together.
And, might I add, Phil was looking pretty good in his diving clothes as he explained the task. Just sayin’.
Jordan also does the diving, but can’t hold his breath for more than five seconds so it takes him several tries to untie the bottle. Brent and Louie follow, with Louie breaking his bottle by accident when getting back on the boat. No matter. Jet and Cord arrive as the Mean Lesbians are still getting their coconut mess taken care of and blaming each other in the process. The cowboys joke that they’re wearing board shorts in favor of speedos (thank you for that) and head out - Cord does the diving as Brandy and Carol catch up…
On shore, Steve and Allie and Dan and Jordan have already made it to the Pit Stop while the detectives team up with Brent and Caite in the hopes of knocking certain other teams out. After Louie takes forever piddling his way back to shore - seriously, floating on your back isn’t cutting it, dude - they all hit the Pit Stop. Phil grills them about what team they want gone. All say Brandy and Carol. It’s anonymous, chirps Brent. Uh, you mean unanimous? someone offers. Brent is embarrassed at his poor choice of words, as well he should be.
This leaves a race between the cowboys and Carol and Brandy. Brandy is diving - no sharks in sight, dammit - as the boys swim for shore. Leaving their bottle, map inside, on the boat. I scream at the tv once again. Been doing that a lot this season.
Somehow, Jet and Cord manage to find the Pit Stop without the map, just by intuition. Uh uh, says Phil, telling them they have to go back and get the bottle and bring the map with them. They both get that Oh my Gravy look on their faces and run back to the beach, only to find their boat is further out in the bay than it was when they left it. Swim, boys, swim!
They swim for all they’re worth, but the Mean Ones are catching up. Who will make it to the Mat first? It’s….it’s…..Carol and Brandy.
Noooooooooooo! we scream from the couch. Even the cat gives a hiss at the screen.
But…could it be? Yes! Phil throws some non-elimination leg happiness their way, saving Jet and Cord for another week. Of course they have the silly Speedbump to complete, but here’s hoping for a stupid-free leg for them next week. I’d hate to see them go.
Here’s how teams ended up:
1st - Steve and Allie
2nd - Dan and Jordan
3rd - Brent and Caite
4th - Louie and Michael
5th - Carol and Brandy
6th - Jet and Cord
So Jet and Cord are saved by a NEL, and Steve and Allie get all kinds of goodies for being first: an oceanside dinner, massages, 7 grand, and tons of 7 Up. At least they can afford some new clothes now.
Next week: Malaysia, where Jet and Cord better get their behinds in gear. I need someone to root for, and dingbat models and Mean Lesbians aren’t cutting it.