Just in case you didn’t get enough TAR last week, the powers-that-be have decided to treat us to a two hour episode. Maybe it’s to make up for the irritating basketball delays, or the way they gypped us with a one hour premiere this season. Either way, I’m a happy camper. Yep, two whole hours of racing, drama, Phil....wait. That also means two whole hours of Mirna. Mirna, with her screech-owl voice and intermittent accent. Aw, damn. Maybe this is an April Fool’s Day joke.
I See Dumb People
We start out at the last Pit Stop, Zanzibar. Fun name to say, impossible place to get a flight out of, apparently. More on that later. Charla and Mirna are the first to depart at 4:20 am, and rip open their clue to find that they must fly over 5000 miles to Warsaw, Poland, then find the Czapski Palace. There they must locate a Chopin look-alike playing the piano for their next clue. Just like last week, the teams are provided tickets to Warsaw (arriving at 11:25 am the next day), since flights out of Zanzibar are limited. They are under no obligation to use them, if they can find a better flight. And that’s a big “if.”
Mirna admits that while they enjoyed coming in first last time, it might be better to fly under the radar so the other teams won’t see them as a threat. A threat? How about annoying. Insufferable. Occasionally psychotic. A flaming hemorrhoid on the butt of the All-Stars season! Yeah, that’s it. Anyhow, the screwy cousins decide to wait a few minutes so they can share a cab with Danny and Oswald, who leave at 4:28 am. Lucky guys.
Uchenna and Joyce take off next at 7:55 am, followed closely by Dustin and Kandice at 8 am. The blondes squeal at the prospect of going to Poland, with Dustin excitedly saying how they will be able to see Chopin playing. “For real?” says Kandice. “Well, he’s dead,” replies Dustin. I wonder about Kandice sometimes. Seriously. They talk of stepping their game up a notch, and head off to a travel agency to find a better flight. So do Charla and Mirna and Danny and Oswald. Uchenna and Joyce, on the other hand, went straight to the airline, which wasn’t open yet. So they decide to call the very same travel agency (which may well be the only travel agency) and try to book tickets over the phone.
Oh, hell no. Dustin realizes who is on the phone, and tries to talk the poor travel agent into hanging up on Uchenna. He can hear them in the background, and asks the agent who is trying to get him off the phone. He assumes it was Mirna. Ha. I have no problem with Mirna getting the blame. The lady finally tells Uchenna to call back later and hangs up, much to the other teams’ delight. Mirna then gets all in the agent’s face, trying to keep her from sharing the good flights with the blondes. Yeah, that makes no sense. Neither does Mirna calling the woman “my sister.” For some odd reason, Ozzy and Danny have decided to work with Schmirna for now, mainly to allow Mirna to use her big yap to their advantage.
They should have hooked up with the blondes, however: they quickly (and much more nicely, might I add) get their agent to book them on a flight arriving almost two hours earlier than the provided tickets, on a Addis Ababa-Frankfurt-Warsaw route. When Schmirna and the ChaCha’s try to get on that flight, they are told that it’s full. More sitting around. Four hours later, Uchenna and Joyce finally get tickets on a Johannesburg-Frankfurt-Warsaw flight. Dustin and Kandice are long gone.
The New Backpackers
Where are Eric and Danielle, you ask? Why, they’re just leaving at 3:15 pm. These teams are more strung out than Britney Spears at 3 am on a Saturday night. The stress is showing between Eric and Danielle, as he calls her a knucklehead for not knowing where Warsaw is. She thought it might be in Africa. They end up at the same travel agency the others have been sitting at for seven hours. Seven. Hours. Just how long does it take to book a flight in Zanzibar? Even if they were on the slowest dial-up ever, it couldn’t take that long to check flights. Two tin cans and a piece of string wouldn’t be that slow. Ugh. Eric makes the mistake of asking the others if they’ve found a better flight, to which Mirna sarcastically replies that yes, they found one. But they decided not to take it so they could hang out with Eric! Har-dee-har har. He rolls his eyes, and he and Danielle decide to go find another agency after bickering about whether to leave or not. “I’m surprised Jeremy didn’t kill you,” Danielle tells him.
Okay, it feels like we’ve been in the travel agency for seven hours with these people. Enough! Schmirna and Ozzy and Danny manage to get on a Nairobi-Amsterdam-Warsaw flight, and Eric and Danielle just give up and use the provided tickets. But we’re still missing one team, aren’t we? Joe and Bill! They leave at 7:01 pm, stuck with the thirty minute penalty for coming in last. They meet up with Eric and Danielle at the airport (who try to hide from the Guidos) and both teams board the Kilimanjaro-Amsterdam-Warsaw flight. Well, they get to Kilimanjaro, anyway. The flight in was a little late, and now the attendants won’t let them board. Danielle cries, Joe runs out and tries to flag the plane down with a bell, and I wonder why they haven’t called security on these nuts. Even with all the hysterics, they’re not allowed to board and the plane leaves.
Dummy On Board
The Guidos and Eric and Danielle meet up the next morning to get tickets on a 6:30 flight to Frankfurt. Dustin and Kandice are already in Frankfurt, as were Uchenna and Joyce, who somehow miss the flight to Warsaw. The blondes touch down in Warsaw at 9:07 am, with Schmirna and the ChaCha’s right behind them at 9:22 am. Dustin and Kandice quickly find the plaza with the piano player, and open their clue to reveal:
- Detour: Perfect Pitch or Perfect Angle. In Perfect Pitch, teams must use a special tool to tune a grand piano. Once the musician plays a piece by Chopin and deems the piano in tune, the teams will receive their next clue. In Perfect Angle, teams must choose a mannequin and carry it to a nearby lab. They must then take x-rays of the mannequin at a specific angle to find their next clue hidden inside.
It doesn’t take long for Charla and Mirna to piss off their taxi driver on the way, asking him ignorant questions such as “Do you like Polish sausage?” He makes a face and ignores the two, and they realize that “he doesn’t like us too much.” Join the club, taxi driver. We have lots of members. The taxi driver drops them off in the wrong area, and they wander the streets trying to find someone to help them locate the building. They are completely ignored by everyone, and I can’t help but laugh. It’s amazing how the other teams have no problems with the locals, but Mirna thinks all of Poland is just rude and unhelpful. Psst, Mirna. It’s you, woman. Not them.
Dustin and Kandice decide on Perfect Pitch, since Dustin has some piano playing experience. They have no trouble finding the out of tune key. The pianist plays the required piece, gives them the okay, and hands them some sheet music with the name Jan III Sobieski Łazienki on it. The teams must figure out that this is the name of a local monument where they will find the next clue. Danny and Oswald also decide to tune the piano, but they end up breaking two strings. They finally get it, and Oswald tells the cute pianist that “If I were in town, I’d ask for your number!” Uchenna and Joyce have trouble finding the piano player - Joyce ends up looking in a bathroom inside the wrong building. I don’t think he’s hiding in there. Charla and Mirna also try the tuning task, but these broads must be tone deaf from all their screaming. They insist the piano sounds fine. It isn’t even close to fine. They give up and go to do the Perfect Angle task, complaining about there not being any women mannequins. Charla even covers the dummy’s private parts with a protective cloth before the x-rays are taken. Why, I have no idea. I don’t think the mannequin will be having any children.
Dustin and Kandice find the monument and the clue, directing them to the first Pit Stop. They win a trip to Puerto Rico, complete with some cool tours and spa treatments. Or “spar,” as Phil says it. Danny and Oswald make it second, Uchenna and Joyce third. Joyce’s eyes almost pop out of her head at the news. Schmirna comes in fourth, and it’s nighttime when they get there. Joe and Bill and Eric and Danielle are just getting into Warsaw while this is going on! They’re so far apart, that Dustin and Kandice leave for the next leg while the last two teams are still dinking around in Warsaw. For the record, Eric and Danielle do the piano task, with Joe and Bill doing the mannequin. Well, they don’t do the mannequin. You know what I mean. Eric and Danielle find the Pit Stop fifth, with Joe and Bill getting there last. Phil looks way tired, and tells the guys that it’s a non-elimination leg. So they get the big 30 minute penalty, but they’re still in it.
And that’s only the first hour. Now would be a good time to get a snack, walk the dog, or jog around the room to get the feeling back in your behind, because we’re only halfway through this sucker.
Here We Go Again....
Dustin and Kandice take off in the middle of the night to locate the next clue: Find a certain monument where they will get tickets on a bus to Auschwitz-Birkenau, the infamous concentration camp. The buses leave every four hours, so someone’s going to get screwed big time. They get on the first bus, leaving at 1 pm. So much for their big lead. The ChaCha’s and Uchenna and Joyce also get the first bus. Schmirna, Eric and Danielle (who argue over her wanting to buy a two dollar cup of coffee), and Joe and Bill get on the second bus, leaving at 5 pm. Joe and Bill make some smartass comments about Eric and Danielle not having much “brainpower,” then they promptly walk right by the bus ticket dispenser. The editors must eat this stuff up.
The first bus arrives at the entrance to Auschwitz, a dark, dreary tower with railroad tracks leading up to it. This is where the trains full of people arrived, and the horrible sadness of the place is not lost on the teams as they read the history of the camp from a scroll. Small candles are scattered about the tracks, and several of the team members get teary-eyed as they read. Uchenna is dead-on as he says that the place makes you realize just what’s important in life, and that history cannot be forgotten. They light a few more candles and head out to Krakow via taxi, where they must find the Juliusz Slowacki Theatre.
Dustin and Kandice’s cabbie gets lost on the way, and they ditch him for someone with a better sense of direction. Uchenna and Joyce and Danny and Oswald find the cluebox, only to realize that it’s an Intersection. This is where two teams must partner up until further notice. Wait - did you hear that noise? That was the sound of Joe and Bill’s chances being flushed down the toilet. Yeah, let’s have an Intersection immediately after a non-elimination leg with a penalty. Great planning.
Screwed, Part One
It gets better! The newly formed team of Uchenna, Joyce, Ozzy and Danny open the envelope to find a Fast Forward. Awesome. Joe and Bill don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell, now. The Fast Forward consists of climbing the stairs in two huge towers and counting the number of steps, adding them together to get the total. Of course they decide to do it, and take off for the towers. The four climb the calf-killer stairs, and after some discussion, come up with a final number that is correct. Poof, they’re done. They get the instructions to the next Pit Stop and leave.
Screwed team number two is Dustin and Kandice, who make it to the Intersection third. That means they must now wait for the second busload of teams to arrive, and it’s still four hours behind. The girls are disappointed, but resign themselves to sit and wait for the next group, hoping that they’ll get partnered with anyone but Schmirna. Har.
The second bus finally makes it to Auschwitz, and have the same sad reactions the first group did. Bill, especially. Even Eric says that it puts all their silly fights into perspective. Like fighting over a two dollar cup of coffee, maybe? Back at the Intersection, Dustin and Kandice are dismayed to see Charla and Mirna arrive first, and they hide in the shadows, hoping for another team to get there quickly. But they realize that they’re wasting time, and the girls suck it up and call out to the harpies so they can be on their way. Since they know the Fast Forward was probably taken already, they must now perform the Detour.
- Detour: Eat It Up or Roll It Out. In Eat It Up, each team member must make one three inch link of Polish Kielbasa (yum!), then park their butts around a table where they must each eat two feet of cooked sausage. In Roll It Out, teams must travel to a bakery, make 20 bagels, then deliver them to a specific restaurant for their next clue.
And Now, For Something Completely Gross
Dustin and Kandice talk Charla and Mirna into doing the sausage-eating, but they still don’t seem too thrilled about it. You’d think with mouths that big, they would have no trouble. Eric and Danielle and Joe and Bill have reached the Intersection by now, and they decide to do the eating task also. Danielle isn’t quite sure how long 24 inches is, though, looking a little frightened at the prospect. Joe shows her how long two feet is. With his hands, you bunch of pervs. Oh, if only this weren’t a PG-13 site. This task is just going to be comedy gold.
The girls make their three inch sausages amid snickering about naked mannequins and phallic-shaped food, then sit down to eat after a quick prayer. These are not little sausages, people. They begin stuffing their faces, and Charla comments that “The more you eat, the more it seems like it grows!” I’m so not touching that line. The last four arrive, and Eric asks how the sausage is. “It tastes like poop!” hollers Mirna. Bet the owners of the shop loved that. Dustin is clearing her plate quickly, and Mirna lets out a belch loud enough to set off a few car alarms as the last two teams sit down to eat.
Joe and Bill tear into their sausages (hee!), admiring how well Danielle is doing. Eric is the one lagging behind. I’m shocked, having figured Eric to be a closet sausage-eater. Joe finishes first, then Kandice. Dustin is done next, but promptly turns and barfs into the handy provided buckets. Eric immediately says “Ladies and gentlemen, Miss California!” and everyone busts out laughing. Thank you, Eric, for finally doing something entertaining. Not enough vomiting action for you? Poor Charla is next, shoving a knife down her throat so she can make room for more sausage. She’s not a quiet vomiter, and the others cover their ears so they don’t have to listen, lest they be forced to bow down to the buckets too. At least Kandice has the decency to hold Charla’s hair back as she barfs.
It’s down to Charla and Eric. Eric wins by a little chunk, and they receive their next clue: choose a marked car from the parking lot, drive 20 miles to the city of Skala, and find the Pieskowa Skala Castle. Charla stuffs down the last piece, and the four girls leave right behind the others. Mirna has trouble starting the car (even the cars in Poland don’t like her), while a woozy Charla sits in back. She’s not feeling well at all, but that doesn’t keep Mirna from screaming at her. “Am I supposed to do everything?” yells Mirna. She also yells at the taxi drivers who are trying to show her the way. “I’m a young girl, I don’t have a hundred dollars! Have a little sympathy!” she hollers in her accent du jour. A young girl?! Someone needs a reality check.
Dustin and Kandice have taken the lead, arriving at the castle first to find a Roadblock: who wants to be a knight in shining armor? One team member must don a full suit of armor, then lead a horse half a mile through the woods to the castle gates, where they will find the Pit Stop in the courtyard beyond.
Dustin decides to do the Roadblock, as does Charla. Yes, Charla. I guess they had a mini-me suit of armor handy. Dustin says the armor is very heavy, but she manages. Charla, on the other hand, is afraid of being trampled by the horse. Plus she’s getting yelled at once again by Mirna the Mouth, who screams instructions the whole way, probably scaring the wits out of the poor horse. Joe comments that Charla “looks like a dressed up rat.” Charla spends most of the time walking the horse in circles and falling over face-first. This looks like something out of a Monty Python movie, I swear.
Eric complains that the armor hurts, and Danielle encourages him. Mirna continues her whining, trying to tempt Charla’s horse with sausage. Wait - sausage? Did she hide some in her purse or what? Never mind that horses don’t eat sausage. And that Mirna shouldn’t have been allowed to help Charla up each time she fell, either. Somehow, they don’t get passed up (cheaters), and the teams finish like this:
1st - Uchenna and Joyce, and Danny and Oswald. They all hit the mat at the same time, tying for first. Phil only has one prize to hand out, and the ChaCha’s graciously give the trip to Uchenna and Joyce. I love these guys.
3rd - Dustin and Kandice
4th - Charla and Mirna
5th - Eric and Danielle. Was actually Joe and Bill, but the thirty minute penalty killed them. They had to stand by and watch as Eric and Danielle took their spot.
Eliminated - Joe and Bill.
Phil breaks the bad news, but Joe and Bill take it well. They talk of soulmates and knights in shining armor, and are glad to have had the chance to experience the Race together once again. “Life is supposed to be enjoyed. You’re supposed to surround yourself with love and happiness, and I think Bill and I have done that,” says Joe. You’ll be missed, guys.
Join us next week for suncat’s fun take on next week’s events, as Charla and Mirna piss off Eric and Danielle (I’m shocked) and Oswald and Danny have a tiff. Hopefully they'll spare us the vomiting this time. See you then!
I fart in Mirna's general direction. Comments? Click here.