Did I miss something? What exactly did Charla and Mirna do that made them think they single-handedly caused Rob and Amber’s ouster last week? Because they sure are taking all the credit for it. I must have been watching an alternate version of the show, because all I saw them do was find a stinking letter faster than Rob did. No big strategy, there. Just plain, dumb luck. But I guess in Mirna’s World, things are different then they seem to us normal people. Here's hoping that Mirna goes back to her world soon, and out of mine. I'm running out of earplugs.
Major Shrinkage Time
Oswald and Danny are first to depart at 12:02 am, and open their clue to read their next task. They must take a taxi to the base of Martial Mountain, ride a chair lift, then hike a half mile to Martial Glacier. They must then use an avalanche beacon to locate another beacon, buried in the snow and ice along with their next clue. Oswald tells us that they see all of the teams as contenders, and that the race isn’t necessarily geared towards the strongest or smartest teams. Of course, he tells us this while wearing a yellow flower tucked behind his ear (Danny also has one, on his sweater). Only these two could get away with that and still look cute. The accent doesn’t hurt one bit, either.
Team Boob, Eric and Danielle, are second to depart at 12:06 am. They giggle about having to dig in the snow and get cold, and Danielle says that Eric’s cockiness is really annoying at times, but since they’re in second it’s okay. I guess it’s cool to be an asshat, then, but only if you’re winning. Teri and Ian leave third. Ian thinks that there’s more psychological play going on this season. He’s got the psycho part right, anyway. (I’m looking at you, Mirna.) Joe and Bill leave next, and tell us that they’re trying to be a “kinder, gentler Guido” this time around, and hope the others think that they’re too old and decrepit to win. They both cackle evilly after saying this, so I’m not taking that too seriously. Dustin and Kandice, the wrong-way blondes, are fifth to leave. They say that it’s time to stop worrying about what other teams think of them. Have they ever really cared what anyone else thinks? Uchenna and Joyce take off sixth, followed by (ugh) Charla and Mirna. Mirna blathers on about how they race through the pain and stress, blah blah. Like the other teams don’t. They joke about becoming icicles and popsicles digging around in the glacier, and Charla says something about they can “suck us.” Gah. Mental images I don’t need, thankyouverymuch.
Of Thongs And Wedgies
They all race to the chair lift, but of course it’s not open until 8 am. Everyone heads off to a hotel, but Joe and Bill either slept there or got up really early, making them first in line. Teri and Ian arrive second, and comment about the Guido’s matching hats. Ian asks jokingly if their underwear is tagged “Team Guido” and Bill replies that they’re wearing thongs. Ian says that they have paper drawers (what the hell?), and talk of wedgies ensues. Thanks for sharing, people. Good lord, I’m going to have to bleach my brain after this episode.
Finally, the chair lift opens and they stop with the awful undies talk. The teams reach the top, grab a backpack with a beacon inside, and begin searching the glacial ice. Well, everyone except Dustin and Kandice, who have another blonde moment and run right past the backpacks. Duh-huh. Pay attention, girls. They eventually figure out what they’re missing when they see the others with beacons, and run back to get one. The blondes pass Charla and Mirna on the way back, and the nasty cousins snark that “they’re not too smart.” Is it wrong of me to hope that they get buried in a real avalanche? Joe and Bill find their buried beacon quickly, as do Teri and Ian. The only ones that have trouble are Danny and Oswald, who get snippy with each other. It's a Cuban thing, they say. They end up last, and open the next clue to read:
Fly over 7000 (!) miles to Maputo, Mozambique. Teams must book tickets at a travel agency because the airport cannot book international flights; however, the teams are given tickets on a 3:00pm flight in case they are unable to find anything better. Apparently there aren’t too many departing flights from the Ushuaia airport. Imagine that.
The teams hit the travel agencies to book their flights, and they all end up with tickets on a 9:40 am flight. Much better than the 3 pm flight they were given. While waiting for the plane to leave, Joe and Bill browse through a gift shop at the airport, grabbing some cologne off the shelf and dousing themselves with it. “I smell like a French whore, but that’s okay with me” says Bill. I don’t think the poor sucker who has to sit next to you on that long flight would share that sentiment, Bill.
Peace On You
Once in Maputo, teams must choose a marked car with a driver and go 45 miles to the Apopo Training Field for their next clue. They all do so, racing off to the training field. Eric decides to have some fun with the Guidos on the way, telling his driver to act like he was going to pass the Guido’s truck. Both Bill and Joe keep looking back in a panic, sending Eric into fits of laughter. When the teams all pull over to wait at the gate (because once again, it’s not open yet), the Guidos approach Eric with a warning to “watch your speed!” Eric laughs and says that he was just playing around with them, he wasn’t trying to pass. They don’t see the humor, and Joe sullenly tells Eric to “watch your jokes, guy.” They stomp off in a huff as Team Boob rolls their eyes. Maybe Eric should just give them wedgies, since they thought those were funny earlier. Joe and Bill go back to talk about it some more, but Eric doesn’t see the big deal and they start to argue. Bill walks off, saying “peace, peace, peace,” and Eric replies “freaks, freaks, freaks.” I was on Eric’s side until that dumbass comment.
The gates open, and the teams make their way to the clue box to find:
- Roadblock: one team member must use a trained rat to find a race marker above a deactivated land mine. When the rat gives a signal that it’s found something, a mine tech will dig in that spot for the clue.
You Dirty Rat
These are some big, honking rats, people. They even have names, and little leashes. Sort of cute, actually. Joe’s rat is called Nelson, and Ian’s is named Tupac. Hee. Ian, Charla, Oswald, Joe, Uchenna, Dustin, and Eric do the Roadblock, coaxing their rodents along the ropes and finding the buried clues. Charla doesn’t seem to thrilled to do this task, but Mirna squawks from the sidelines that “it’s just like a cat!” Only, not. My cat is insulted at the comparison. I yell at Charla that “it’s just like your cousin!” but I don’t think she heard me. Joe and Bill finish first, and rip open the envelope to read the next clue: go 50 miles back to Maputo and find the building called Praca dos Trabalhadores to search for their next clue.
Off to Maputo they go, reaching the clue box to find:
- Detour: Pamper or Porter. In Pamper, teams must go half a mile to the Maputo central market, pick a nail polish kit and convince passersby to let them paint their nails. They must earn the equivalent of one dollar to earn their next clue. Men usually perform this task. In Porter, teams must travel two miles to the Mercado Janet, where they will use their bare hands to fill 10 large 45-pound bags with coal, sewing them shut by hand. They must then carry one of the bags to a specific address, where they will get their next clue.
Beaten By Queens
Joe and Bill think painting nails would be weird for guys to do (no weirder than the goofy matching outfits, guys), so they choose Porter. They may be older, but they are in good shape. The Guidos enlist the help of some local boys to hold the bags open as they sling the coal in (the boys can only hold the bags, not help with the coal). Charla and Mirna choose to paint nails, and immediately after finding the place, Mirna starts her screeching. A crowd gathers to look at the crazy, screaming white women, and they get their quota quickly. Damn. Mirna has also apparently traded in her old, phony Spanish accent for a new, phony Italian-sounding one. Maybe she’ll do some Cockney next week. Who knows. We should start a new game, where we try to guess what accent Mirna will use that episode.
On the way to the market, Oswald and Danny come across a parade for World Aids Day. It’s a bittersweet moment for Danny, who lost his ex to the disease. They choose to do the coal, as do Uchenna and Joyce and Eric and Danielle. The coal-bagging teams get absolutely filthy, delivering their filled bags to the correct addresses covered in black dust. Eric and Danielle get a few local boys to help them find their house, while Uchenna and Joyce seem a bit lost. “They got the kids!” she says. Psst, Joyce - nothing says you can’t get some help from the kiddos, too. I bet there's more kids in the neighborhood, if you look. Danny and Oswald get in their taxi to leave, and Danny asks if he looks like Rambo, all smeared with the coal dust. “No, you look like a faggy raccoon,” says Oswald.
Teri and Ian try the nail-painting, getting no response at first. They finally rope two girls in, and get their quota with just the two customers (they way overcharged them!). Dustin and Kandice wisely choose to paint nails also, even giving a little girl with no money a free manicure. Aww. At least they do a neater job than Ian did, who slopped the polish all over the poor girl’s fingers. They count up their money, and get their clue to find the location for the Pit Stop, which is in Fortaleza, a fort built in 1781 and the oldest building in Maputo. They finish like this:
1st – Charla and Mirna, who win a trip for two to Aruba, falling all over each other on the ground. Unfortunately, Charla wasn't big enough to do any damage to her cousin.
2nd – Dustin and Kandice, who get a “pretty in pink” comment from Phil. Hmph.
3rd – Teri and Ian, very happy to be third.
4th – Oswald and Danny, who chase Phil around the fort, trying to hug him. Phil runs away from the coal-covered guys. All that was missing was Benny Hill music. Freaking hilarious!
5th – Joe and Bill, who would have placed better if their cabbie didn’t get them lost.
6th – Eric and Danielle. Eric got mad at Danielle for letting Joe and Bill beat them in a footrace to the mat, saying she “got beat by a bunch of queens.” How charming.
7th – Uchenna and Joyce, who were saved by this being a non-elimination leg. Same rules as last time: they must come in first next time, or earn a thirty minute penalty.
That’s it for this week. Next week’s previews show Uchenna sucking at axe-throwing, while Eric and Danielle get removed from a plane they were already seated on. Maybe the other passengers got tired of Eric’s mouth. For now, let me leave you with a quote from the utterly annoying Mirna: “Just because someone’s a little shorter or a little skinnier, doesn’t really matter. We work hard and we’re a damn good team! If coming in first lets people have a little more respect for us, then that’s a wonderful thing to accomplish.”
I bet I could have caught Phil. Comments? PM me.