Welcome back, TAR fans! In case you didn’t catch last week’s episode, Kevin and his morose partner Drew were eliminated. Not that Drew seemed to care, either. In fact, I think he was rather relieved. As was I. Now, I know what you’re thinking about the title of this recap. You’re thinking, waywyrd, what on earth do boobs have to do with TAR? Well, we’ve seen how handy they can be in getting cabs and help from the locals. A smile and a flash of cleavage, and...well, you’re usually good to go. This time, Danielle learns how to use the girls during a Detour. Dustin and Kandice already know the power of the boobs. Rob even gets in on the action, showing us a glimpse of his new man-boobs, thanks to the few extra pounds he seems to have packed on. But, enough of this boob talk...on with the recap!
Rob Is Not Jesus: The Gospel According To The Guidos
Rob and Ambuh depart first, opening their clue to find that they must drive 4 miles to San Pedro de Atacama, and find a church of the same name. They quickly find the little white church, then head off on the next task: fly over 800 miles to Puerto Montt, then drive 30 miles to Metri. Rob and his enormous ego inform us that he doesn’t care what the other teams think of them. Oswald and Danny are second to leave, and say that they won’t run anyone else over to get ahead. I really like these guys. The accent doesn't hurt, either.
Joe and Bill are the third to make it to San Pedro, and ask a local for directions to the church. Not-so-discreetly listening right behind them are Eric and Danielle, who take off to the church after getting the free directions. Suffice it to say that Joe and Bill are mightily pissed, confronting the couple at the church. Joe even goes so far as to stand in front of their car, blocking it, as he slowly reads his clue. Eric and Danielle are shocked, calling them whiners. They just don’t get it.
The teams begin straggling into the closed airport, setting up camp on the floor. Except for Rob and Amber, who have miraculously found a little travel agency that was still open late at night. They book a flight that lands in Puerto Montt at 12:55pm. How do they do that? Uchenna and Joyce play nice, offering to go purchase tickets online for three other teams on the same 12:55 flight. One problem, however: only Joe and Bill wrote down the security code for their credit cards. That leaves Eric and Danielle and Oswald and Danny out of luck. Joyce apologizes. Ian makes a hilarious comment about Dustin and Kandice, and how they “wiggle and jiggle around the world.” And that it was totally fine with him. What they didn’t show was Teri, smacking him upside his head off camera.
The King And Queen Of Rude
The others head to the ticket counter when it opens, and begin booking tickets on a 1:55pm flight. Eric, apparently more lucid than I give him credit for, spies the 12:55 time on Joyce’s boarding pass. He immediately changes his flight to the earlier one, and now Teri and Ian and Charla and Mirna are in on the action. Mirna and Teri butt heads at the counter, both trying to hog the clerk. I believe Teri was there first, but that doesn’t matter to Mirna. “Do not talk to my person while he is helping me!” says Teri. Mirna snarls back “Teri, you don’t own the world.” When Ian says that Mirna is being rude, she replies “I took lessons from the king of rude. You.” Charla starts to pipe up from over in the corner, and the clerk interrupts, telling them that the seats are now all sold out. All that nastiness for naught.
The Fish Whisperer
Finally arriving at the fishery in Puerto Montt, Uchenna and Joyce, Eric and Danielle, and Joe and Bill open their clue to find a Roadblock. One team member must pick an 1800 gallon breeding tank, catch and transfer 80 (!) flounder to another tank at the other end of the farm. The next clue will be at the bottom of the tank when they are finished. Rob and Amber get there eventually after taking a wrong turn. See, they do screw up once in a while. Uchenna and Joe begin moving the floppy flounder in the way-too-small crates, but Danielle has a problem. She’s afraid of fish, and squeals when she tried to pick one up. Eric channels his inner jerk as he yells at her “You better pick that damn fish up, I swear to you!” Way to be supportive, doofus.
Eric soon tries a different tactic, hollering at Danielle to use her boobs to hold the slippery fish in the crate. She tries it, and hey - it works! Rob thinks Eric is a bit of a Neanderthal with all the boob comments. I concur. He manages to cheer Amber on without commenting on her anatomy, and she transports the fish without problem. Say what you will, she’s damn good at this stuff. Joe makes a comment about being a “fish whisperer.” Uchenna finally finishes, and writes down the clue revealed at the bottom of the tank: Find the sign for La Maquina along the river. Just before you enter Petrohue, search for your next clue. Joe surprisingly screws up and just scribbles down La Maquina, in a hurry to leave. That’ll come back to bite him.
The other teams that were on the later flight begin arriving. David is another one afraid of the fish, having trouble grabbing them, as does Teri. She almost gets popped in the face by a flopping flounder. I was hoping the same fate would befall Mirna, who whines loudly at having to perform the task. Alas, no such luck.
Deliverance, Part 2
Rob and Amber and Eric and Danielle have decided to work together, and the couples find La Maquina and a Detour. They must choose between Vertical Limit and River Wild. In Vertical Limits, teams must walk to a cliff where both team members have to climb a 40-foot cliff. In River Wild, teams must backtrack two miles to the Rio Petrohue, where they will complete a two and a half mile white water rafting trip through class three and four rapids. Hoo, boy. I’ve done this before, and it’s quite the rush.
Both teams decide to do the river trip, but Eric and Danielle somehow get lost on the big two mile trip back down the road. Rob and Amber take the lead, riding the rapids and receiving directions to the Pit Stop, three and a half miles away at Playa Petrohue. Dustin and Kandice show up at the riverbanks, having skipped the Detour clue completely. Not good. They think the clue will be somewhere along the river, which makes no sense. Like you could really grab a clue while being slammed around in a raft.
Eric and Danielle finally make it, as do Uchenna and Joyce. Joe and Bill get some help from Charla, who fills them in on their half-written clue. They agree to split the fee for a taxi to lead them to La Maquina, but only after Charla yells that “you better not screw us!” Somehow, I don’t think you have anything to worry about, girl. David and Mary get lost once again, thanks to Mary. David was going the right way, but Mary screeched at him to go straight. Eventually, they all find the riverbank and every team chooses the whitewater ride. Poor Teri gets thrown from the raft, but she’s not hurt. “It was exciting to fall out of the boat!” she exclaims. Once again, I hope that Mirna gets thrown, too, but it’s just not my night. Damn. She manages to hang on. Charla looks completely terrified the entire time.
The soaking wet teams all run back to their cars to head to the Pit Stop. Dustin and Kandice have even more trouble, as their car refuses to start for some reason. Charla, Mirna, and her stupid intermittent accent run around in their swimsuits, looking for their lost car keys (they were in the changing tent). After all is said and done, they hit the mat in the following order:
1st - Rob and Amber. Surprise, surprise. This is their third first place finish, and they win a complete home gym this time. That’s a hint, Rob. Lose the flab, or you’ll be starring on The Biggest Loser next.
2nd - Uchenna and Joyce, who seem shocked at doing so well.
3rd - Eric and Danielle. How'd that happen?
4th - Dustin and Kandice. Actually, they were fourth twice. The first time they arrived at the Pit Stop, Phil informed them that he couldn’t check them in without that clue they skipped. Oops. They went back to get it, and still beat the others. Go figure.
5th - Oswald and Danny, who comment that “Charla’s gonna be in love” with the greeter at the Pit Stop.
6th - Teri and Ian
7th - Joe and Bill
8th - Charla and Mirna. Charla hugs the Chilean little person that greets them next to Phil. How cute.
Eliminated - David and Mary.
Finally, the worst of the backpackers are eliminated. They’re upset, of course, but grateful for the opportunity to compete again. Nice people, but man, what terrible racers. Mary comments that “I’m me and he’s him, and we gotta accept each other for who we are.” David replies “I’m not gonna change her and she’s not gonna change me. We just gotta go with the flow.” Words to live by, y’all. Mary tells David that she loves him, and he just gives that goofy grin of his.
And that’s a wrap for this week. Tune in next time when Charla and Mirna fight Rob and Amber over a cab, and they promise a finish like no other that will have us all talking. Here’s hoping that it’s not just some lame hype this time.
Mary should have used her boobs. Comments? PM me here.