Two things have remained a constant this season: Jaime’s never-ending rants and a never-ending supply of sports shows that preempt our beloved Amazing Race. If it’s not football, it’s basketball. This week it was golf. Next week, who knows? It could be the world badminton championships. Or a ping-pong playoff. One thing is for sure, though. We’ll always be treated to the wonderfulness of 60 Minutes in its entirety, that snooze-worthy irrelevant news show that has way overstayed its welcome. A pox on you, Rooney!
So, yeah. A recap of last week: Elephants got personal on top of our Racers, Jaime bitched, the stuntdudes got penalties, and Margie ended up with heatstroke. And Mel and Mike were Philiminated. Sadness. On a side note, I caught a few minutes of Mike in Chuck and Buck this past weekend. Wow. I never knew he could play creepy so well!
This week: epic stupidity as several teams leave their stuff behind during a Roadblock. Tammy and Victor leave first, ripping open the clue to discover that they must fly 400 miles to Bangkok, Thailand. One by one, teams take off - Tammy admits that they must learn to stay focused, Mark and Michael are still kicking themselves for earning stupid penalties, Margie complains about the stifling heat at 1 am, and Kisha and Jen say they’ve learned to give each other space.
Oh, and Jaime turns up the bitch again, demanding to know if the cab they want to take is an “official” cab. The guy turns to confer with some locals, and she lays into him for talking to others and not listening to her. “Listen! Listen! Stop talking to him!” she screeches. She says the language barrier makes her a lunatic and that she just can’t help herself. Yeah, okay. Just once, I want someone to cuss her out. Or laugh in her rude little face. Seriously.
Margie seems to have recovered nicely from her heat-induced fall out, having the presence of mind to tell her cabbie not to share the directions with Kisha and Jen’s cab driver. No more nice guys, the competitive side is finally coming out. Excellent!
Let's Do The Time Warp Again!
There was a little oddness with the leave times - Tammy/Vic supposedly left at 9:27pm, Jaime/Cara at 12:31am, and Mark/Michael at 12:46am. This doesn’t jive with the penalty they incurred last week. Unless somebody discovered a time machine in Phuket, I think the editors just made a mistake with the times. But, I’m all for conspiracy theories, so fire away if you have one.
All five teams hop the same flight, and some mad taxi driving ensues when they land. Cabs play leapfrog with each other, and several drivers can’t find their way out of a paper bag, stopping for directions several times. Kisha and Jen’s driver is particularly clueless. Jaime spies some dogs on the side of the road and shares that she prefers to call them “doogies.” I prefer to call you something else, too, girlie, but I’ll keep that to myself.
And then they hit the Roadblock. One racer must figure out how to attach a propellor to a rod to make it work on a long-tail boat. A series of washers and nuts have to be put on correctly, or the prop wouldn’t work. Margie hops right on it, making short work of the task while Jaime struggles a bit, yelling at the other racers to clear the dock if they weren’t participating. Oh, someone just shove her in the water, please.
Victor (who had to redo his), Mark, and Kisha all take their turn at the props, hopping in the boats to find their next destination. Only, Mark/Michael and Kisha/Jen decide to leave their bags in the taxis, hoping to return for their stuff later. Where’s that oh-you-just-screwed-up-royally gong sound they used to use? Insert that here.
Tammy and Vic note the two teams who left their stuff, and Victor thinks they made the right call in going back for their own packs. How right you are, buddy. Michael stresses over leaving some of his “irreplaceable” items in the taxi, arguing with his brother, while Kisha blows off Jen’s concerns about leaving their passports and money laying on the middle of a dock in freaking Bangkok. Kisha’s not going back, not even for her shoes that she left there. Jen fumes on the back of the boat, refusing to start another argument. If you look close enough, you can see the steam coming out of her ears.
Front runner Margie smiles and enjoys her boat ride to the upcoming Detour, but Jaime wrinkles her nose up at the murky water, saying it looks nasty. That’s just your reflection, woman. Really, everyone, if you had the chance to globetrot like this, wouldn’t you at least try to enjoy the trip? You might not ever be able to go to these countries again, for crying out loud.
Once their little cruise is over, teams hit the Detour du jour: Broken Teeth or Broken Record. In Teeth, teams will travel to a place called the “Street of Happy Smiles” and proceed to root through 50 pairs of dentures and pop them in the waiting patients’ mouths until they find five that fit correctly. Oh, yippee! In Record, teams will get in a party taxi (they have party taxis?) and scream to their tone-deaf little heart’s content along with the onboard karaoke system for five miles. This is an easy one, with way less nasty factored in than Teeth, but the traffic could be a killer.
Did I mention that those who choose to sing will be accompanied by a cabful of local transvestites? Because they will.
Margie and Luke are the only ones who opted for Teeth. Laughing, Margie wants to spare the people of Bangkok their horrendous singing, saying “I’m a bad singer, but he’s a reeeally bad singer!” She also confides that she has a background in nursing, so she has no issues getting into someone else’s personal space. And get she does, digging through the bowls of funky-looking dentures and popping them into open mouths, hunting for the ones that fit. There are uppers, lowers, and partials, all piled into bowls with what I dearly hope is some kind of antiseptic liquid. Because, eww. Luke looks like he just wants this one to be over with. Quickly.
All other teams have chosen to go sing, heading over to pick out a party taxi (seriously, why aren’t there party taxis around here?!). There, they will join in with the group of transvestites that will serve as their backup singers. The streets are very flooded as they ride in regular old boring taxis to get there - of course, Jaime complains about this - but as a whole, they’re excited to do this task. Tammy squeals, “We’re Chinese, we have to do karaoke!”
Meanwhile, Michael and Mark are still sniping back and forth about their stuff. Mark wants to do the Detour first, but Michael wants to go back and get the bags. They have neither the money nor the time to be traipsing around town, but Michael insists. I don’t know what these “irreplaceable mementos” are that he keeps on about, but I’m starting to wonder if he hasn’t been nabbing illegal artifacts along with way. Sheesh. Mark relents, but not without getting in a few jabs first: “You don’t want the million dollars. You just want to play!”
The others have a blast belting out bad karaoke - hell, even Jaime was smiling for a change. Tammy giggles about the “Mai Tai trannies” that came along for the ride while Jen laughingly wonders why she’s in a party taxi with three transvestites. I’m just in amazement that Kisha has been running barefoot since the Detour!
Once the toothless locals have their grins back and the awful singing has halted, the race for the Pit Stop begins. Tammy runs down one of the screaming hot pink cabs in the street, banging on its door to get a ride. Jaime and Cara tell their cab to follow Tammy/Vic. Jaime’s back in bitchface mode, complaining that their cab driver is “the meekest driver on the planet.” And Kisha/Jen, having no money for a cab ride to the Pit Stop, manage to find a kind driver that will take them for free.
The Penalty Kings
Unfortunately, it didn’t do them a lot of good. Here’s where the check-in turned into somewhat of a cluster: Kisha and Jen arrived in third place, only to be informed by Phil that he couldn’t check them in without their travel documents. Saddened, the sisters take off to retrieve their bags, knowing that they will never make it back in time. Tammy/Vic and Margie/Luke encourage them, telling them not to give up.
Then, finally, Mark/Michael hop onto the mat with smug grins. A pissed off looking Phil - not even a raise of the might Brow, just an evil glare! - tells them that sure, they arrived fourth, but since they used personal items to help pay for their long taxi rides (flashlights, compasses, and so forth) they have incurred yet another penalty. To the tune of two hours a piece - they did it twice - for a total of four freaking hours.
Oh, ouch. I didn’t realize this was a rule, but man, this one’s gonna hurt.
The shellshocked brothers park their butts off to the side of the mat to wait out the four hours, but Kisha and Jen return in much less time - it looks like they took about 50 minutes, if I saw the brothers’ time clock right. So this is how the teams checked in with Phil and the guy with the talking parrot:
1st - Margie and Luke, winning a nice trip to San Juan, Puerto Rico along with the assorted excursion goodies.
2nd - Jaime and Cara. Yay for Cara.
3rd - Tammy and Victor
4th - Kisha and Jen
5th - Mark and Michael
And, wouldn’t you know it, this is a NEL. Boo. The minimen get another chance next week, but not only will they have the requisite Speedbump to get through, they’ll have the remainder of their penalty time tacked onto their release time. That’s a whole lot to make up in one leg. They’d better hope for some Amazing bunching somewhere, or they’re toast. The brothers remain optimistic, declaring that they won’t give up. We’ll see.
So what do you think - are the stuntguys done for? Did they even realize that their karaoke pals weren’t women? And do you think the penalty was fair?
Next week: Jen and Luke get into a bitchslap contest, literally. They get physical over clueboxes, Jen calls him a bitch, and he signs “bitch” right back at her. Woohoo!