Oh, I’m a happy recapper this week. Not only was there a task involving animals, but there was also a disgusting eating challenge in the form of a Fast Forward. Mix in some great Detour tasks and more misread clues than the divorcees could muster up all season, and you have one heck of a fun show. And it all ended with a very satisfying elimination! There’s awesomeness all around in this episode, Race fans, so read on for the details...
Dallas Makes With the Sexy Time
After a super-sized leg, we’re finally out of India and off to Kazakhstan. Bring on the Borat jokes. I know you have some. After scrubbing the colored powder out of their hair and clothes (and in the case of Terence, his nose), teams learn they will be hopping a 1000 mile flight to Almaty, Kazakhstan. Any guesses as to how many wash, rinse, repeat cycles Tina had to go through to get that Incredible Hulk green color out of her hair? I’m thinking at least five. Ack.
Having had four, count ‘em, four, first place finishes, Nick is getting a little paranoid that their luck will run out. Foreshadowing, or just BS from the editors? You decide. Dallas says all he knows of Kazakhstan is the Borat movie, and mom Toni advises him to keep that to himself. I doubt the locals appreciate their country being known for a dorky movie. I keep having awful thoughts pop into my head of Terence showing up in that godawful neon green mankini that Borat wore in the movie. I’m telling you now, if that happens, I’m cutting this recap short. You’re on your own. I need a mental shower just thinking about it.
Back to the Race. Dallas takes the opportunity to flirt with Starr some more while his mom and Nick check out potential flights. She asks if he is shy, because he wouldn’t make eyes at her when she was trying to flirt with him a while back. He claims he had Race on the brain. Dallas later tells the camera that “If I win the million, at least I’ll be able to pay for dinner.” And it better be a damn nice one, bub.
The teams all race off to the airport for the inevitable ticket drama as Terence whines about having too much “stuff” to carry and Dandrew makes yet another Borat comment. I’ll spare you all the flight times and manufactured drama, since the teams begin arriving in the middle of the night and the stupid chicken factory opens at 7:30 am. Making it...yep, you guessed it...an equalizer. Boo hiss. Even so, Dandrew barely makes it in time.
When the gates open, there’s a footrace to the clue box. Inside: a Roadblock. One team member gets to search among the 30,000 chickens and their resulting poo for one of several golden eggs. Or, they could elect to try the Fast Forward, which both Nick and Starr and Terence and Sarah do. Terence insisted to a hesitant Sarah that they needed to take that chance. He’ll regret it later, trust me.
Andrew, Toni, and Tina choose to hunt the golden eggs in the smelly chicken house, with Toni finding one first. Yay! Andrew moves through the chickens reluctantly, not realizing that they won’t budge unless he walks through with some authority. Ken cheers Tina on, Dan cheers Andrew on (well, not really), and they finally find the eggs. Now they have to search the factory grounds for a crane truck, and take a ride in it to find a Mongol warrior...
Meanwhile, the Fast Forward is happening. Or, not. Seems that the teams must chow down on a big steaming bowl of boiled sheep butt fat, a local delicacy. Yumm-o. Starr is freaking out a bit at the thought of eating something straight out of Fear Factor, and manages to start nibbling in between gags. Nick is slow, but seems to keep it down okay. Terence is another story. He’s a vegetarian and hasn’t eaten meat in 15 years, he says - no way can he eat this stuff, he tells Sarah. She tries to get him going, but he’s barely eaten a few spoonfuls while Starr has cleaned her bowl. He knows it’s futile and they bail on the task, going back to the Roadblock. But not until after he barfs up the sheep butt in the shrubbery outside.
Back at the Roadblock, Dandrew has managed to get lost in their crane truck. Again. I think they have some sort of requirement that they get lost at least once per episode. Ken and Tina and Toni and Dallas direct their truck drivers to the correct location and find the Mongol warriors after climbing a hill, where the warriors in full costume have a beautiful messenger eagle fly in with the clue attached to its talons. The Racers are awestruck at the coolness of it all. They didn't spend nearly enough time with the warriors, in my opinion.
Happy, Stupid Cows
The clue is a Detour: Play Like Mad or Act Like Fools. In keeping with the theme of this season’s teams, they all choose Act Like Fools. As such, they must don a cow costume, find a specific milk stand, chug a glass of milk and get the clue printed on the bottom of the glass. Simple enough, right? Wrong. You forget who we're dealing with here.
Dallas and Toni have fun with it, as Dallas tells his mom to take the rear end of the costume and “be a good ass.” Of course, Tina takes the head of the cow and immediately begins bossing Ken on the finer points of being a freaking fake cow. Lighten up, woman. Damn. Dallas pretty much skips down the road, mooing in a silly voice and making people on the street laugh. He’s having a little too much fun, though, because they waltz right by the milk stand.
That’s okay – Tina and Ken find it, but she puts her glass back down after drinking the warm, nasty milk. She looks to the guy running the stand for the next clue, but of course, he doesn’t have it. They wander off, thinking they have the wrong stand and leaving the glass with the clue on the bottom right there. Duh. They realize their mistake after rereading the clue, as do Toni and Dallas, and go back to do things right.
Meanwhile, the fun-filled frats are at it again, arguing over who should be the ass end of the cow. Dan insists that Andrew do it, “because he’s bigger.” To be honest, I think Dan is much better suited to be an ass. Just sayin’. They then argue over who’s being the slowest, and I really start to hope that these two come in last tonight. Talk about no fun to watch! I don’t even enjoy watching them screw up anymore, which is just sad. It seems like they should have a little black cartoon rain cloud over their heads. Just…dreary.
Hooked on Phonics Didn't Work For These People
The only team tonight with reading comprehension skills, Dallas and Toni, find the meat market and the next clue (go to the Pit Stop!). They correctly keep their costumes on until they find the market, and bring the cow heads to the Pit Stop. Tina, on the other hand, was too busy bitching to read the clue. Again. They ditch the suits and head to the market, but Toni nicely tells them in passing that they screwed up and were supposed to wear the costumes. Tina and Ken have a d’oh moment and rush back to get their cow suits.
Too late, Toni realizes that she shouldn’t have been so nice. It’s pretty deep in the game to be helping others out. Fortunately, it doesn’t come back to bite them. This time.
Why, I don’t know, but Dandrew decides to leave their shoes at the costume shop while the others carried theirs with them. This seems to be important for some unknown reason because the editors kept playing that oh-you-just-screwed-up-big-time gong sound when the shoes were mentioned. Did they end up forgetting the shoes afterwards? Did they leave something important in them? Were they stolen? Or are the editors just goofing with us again? Guess we’ll find out next week.
The top three teams to hit the mat at Old Square aren’t a big surprise, and that leaves a race for last between Terence and Sarah and Dandrew. Stupidity rears its head yet again as Dandrew jumps happily on the mat and Phil informs them that they’re fourth.
With raised eyebrow, Phil tells the frats that since their dumb asses didn’t read the clue that said to travel on foot to the Pit Stop, they must backtrack and do it again. The right way. Without a taxi. So, off they go, sniping at each other the whole time about which one of them is dumber. It’s a toss up, guys. While they redo the trip from the end of the Detour, Terence and Sarah are desperately trying to make it to the mat, with Terence yelling at people to "Mooove!" and saying that he's "an angry cow." Really now. And here’s how they ended up:
1st – Nick and Starr, the prize hogs. This time they get a pair of waverunners.
2nd – Toni and Dallas
3rd – Ken and Tina
4th – Andrew and Dan
Outta there: Terence and Sarah
I’m guessing a solid 90% of viewers were cheering as Phil gave Terence and Sarah the bad news: no non-elimination leg for you. Go home. Phil asks the no-sheep-butt-eating Terence if he really couldn’t have eaten meat for a million dollars – the answer is no, apparently. And really, I don’t think I could have eaten that slop myself, so I can’t rip on him about it too much. Though he could have had the foresight to leave as soon as he knew what the Fast Forward involved. Too late for that now! Terence says Sarah is amazing, she’s a rock star, all kinds of nice things as she wipes a tear from her eye.
And *poof* they’re gone from our tv screens. At least until the finale.
Next week: Nick and Starr might actually do something wrong for a change, and Dan acts stupid. And/or gets lost again. Probably both, if previous episodes are any indication.