We’re down to six teams in this season of the Race, and I’ve come to a decision: we need to start a petition banning all couples who enter this thing for the purpose of “testing their relationship.” Seriously. If you feel the need to do this, I’m thinking you already have some major problems that will not be helped in any way by dealing with the stress of international travel and serious competition. If I want to see children fighting, I can stop by the playground down the street.
Hendekea’s Pants Party
The teams learn that they’ll be traveling 900 miles to Dubrovnik, Croatia for the next leg of the race. I really love some of these confessionals at the beginning of the show. Kynt and Vyxsin pout a bit about not coming in first yet, and Jen is regretting that she and Nate have fought so much, saying the rest of the race is the “deciding point” for their relationship. Uh, right. Like none of us could see that partnership was headed down the tubes from the get-go. Hendekea, Queen of the Obvious, confesses that Azaria is a control freak. She also confides that she knows how to say “there’s a party in my pants” in Croatian. Somehow I don’t see this as being very useful.
All six teams hit the airport in the early morning hours only to find that the ticket counters were closed and wouldn’t open til 4:30am. After some Internet research, TK and Rachel park their butts outside the ticket offices to wait, while Kynt and Vyxsin keep searching the web. Ron and Christina, hoping to be the smart ones, booked a flight at a local hotel on Polish Air before they made it to the airport. They have second thoughts about their flight once there, however, and hop in line with the others for Czech Airlines in case that is the better flight. They inform Azaria and Hendekea of the Polish Air flight, giving them the number to call. “They’re the only team we completely trust,” says Christina of the brother and sister duo.
Lots of second guessing and follow-the-leader games happen now. Azaria and Hendekea jump out of the Czech Air line to go call the Polish Air number, but they can’t get through. Losing patience with her bossy brother, Hendekea thinks they should suck it up and get back in line - Azaria wants to keep trying the phone number. When she exclaims that he makes all the decisions for them, he blows up at her: “Don’t give me your attitude, okay?!” Oh, I’d give him more than attitude. A foot in the rear is more like it. He finally gives up and they get back in line - in last place - and Hendekea complains that they should have just stayed there in line. Azaria starts yelling at her. “Just remember who worked his ass off! I made a bad decision - get over it!” he bellows. Nice.
Whilst these two bicker, Kynt and Vyxsin decide to head over to an open travel agency to check out flights, sending a few other teams into a tizzy, thinking the Goths know something they don’t. Nate and Jen and Ron and Christina run off after them to see, but end up returning to the line. In last place. Which bumps up Nick and Don and TK and Rachel, who all land tickets on the 11:20am flight. By the time Nate and
the shrewJen step up, it’s too late - the flight is already boarding. Off they run back to the travel agency, barely getting tickets for the Polish Air flight along with the remaining three teams.
But wait - the screw ups aren’t over, yet. As everyone boards the Polish Air flight, Azaria and Hendekea discover that their agent had given them business class tickets, a major no-no on the Race. They haul butt back to the travel agency, begging to get them changed, but it’s too late for them, too - the flight is now taking off. They get a different flight that goes through Frankfurt, and their agent gives them a bit of good news: the Prague flight that TK and Rachel and Nick and Don are on has some major delays, which will give them a chance to catch up. When the hippies and Nick and Don get off the Prague flight, they discover that their connecting flight is long gone. They’re stranded, and both teams have to reroute through other flights.
To borrow Jen’s favorite word, it’s a frickin’ mess.
Another Brick in the Wall
Leaving the airport drama behind us, Nate and Jen end up landing in Croatia first, with the Goths and Ron and Christina right behind them. Jen marvels at the beautiful scenery as they ride in their taxi to the Fort of St. Lawrence. I marvel that she actually ventured outside her own pity party to enjoy the countryside. Upon reaching the cluebox, they discover that it is a Roadblock: Who has a builders’s eye? One team member must use bricks to help rebuild Dubrovnik’s walls, damaged during Yugoslavia’s civil war. Only specific stones in the huge pile will fit in the holes in the wall. Nate and Jen and the Goths somehow get lost on the way to the wall, letting Ron and Christina get ahead of them. Way to lose your lead, people.
Of course, the old dude with the hernia, Ron, decides to do this one. Yeah, that makes sense. But he finds the correct brick relatively easily, and then they’re off to their next task: go to the roof of the fort, where they will ride a tandem zipline across the harbor. Ron worries that his lunch might make a return appearance on the ride, while Christina is excited. Whoosh - off they go, with Ron hollering the whole way. They then discover a Detour: Long and Short, or Short and Long. One involves rappelling down the fort wall, climbing a rope ladder, then traveling a long distance on foot through the confusing streets to a plaza. The other consists of a zipline ride into the water where they will get in a boat, paddle it around the city walls, and run a short distance to the same plaza.
I Hate You, Part 432
Boats and paddles. You just know one of these teams won’t have a clue how to row. Ron and Christina immediately begin arguing about the best way to sit, with Ron insisting that his back be towards the front of the boat. Christina says that’s wrong. Ron flounders around, saying it’s “so ass-backwards,” and turns the way he wanted. It works much better. I hate when he’s right! Nate and Jen ride the zipline down into the water as I secretly hope hers breaks in midair, and hop into a boat intending to whoop Ron’s butt in rowing.
But we know better. Nate has no idea how to row a boat, and Jen is her usual unencouraging self. Yelling ensues, he says she’s not trying, she calls him the meanest person she’s ever met. “I’m never going to be with you ever again. I hate you with a passion!” whines Jen. “Good!” replies Nate sarcastically. God, let’s hope these two never reproduce. Meanwhile, Hernia Ron is running out of steam and Christina tries to help paddle. They’re not getting anywhere.
Kynt and Vyxsin decide to do the rappelling, and as Vyxsin is getting strapped in, Kynt makes a comment about how hot she looks in the straps. Now cut that out, Kynt, before I actually think you two are a couple. Kynt says Vyxsin’s daddy is military, so this is nothing new to her. She breezes through it, and they both climb the rickety rope ladder and head out to the town’s streets. “You’re like a little Goth action hero!” Vyxsin tells Kynt. A breathless Ron and Christina barely make it to shore ahead of Jen and Nate, but they get beat to the clue box which tells the teams to take a taxi to the Pit Stop: the Stone Cross Overlook.
Just to let you know, I’m not ignoring the other three teams. Apparently they’re so damn far behind that the producers aren’t bothering with them for the first half of the show.
No Taxi For You
Nate and Jen run down a taxi to head to the Pit Stop, but the guy takes one look at their dripping wet clothes and says “nuh uh, not in my taxi.” Jen whines, but to no avail. Ron and Christina hop in a taxi right in their face with no problem, and Jen starts screaming and crying about how it’s not fair. Nate tries to tell her it’ll be okay, but she’s not having it: “It’s not okay, our relationship sucks!” she wails. Now taking bets as to how fast these two will break up after this thing. I’m thinking it’ll happen before the plane home even lands on the runway.
Once Jen stops her caterwauling, they stop a local in the street and ask him to drive them to the Cross. Remember, the clue said take a taxi. This stupid mistake will bite them in their asses later on. Oh, look at this - we get a glimpse of TK and Rachel, finally landing in Croatia. They are alive, after all.
Ron and Christina find the Pit Stop first, and a guy with a really loud gun shoots it right as they hop on the mat, scaring the tar out of them. If Ron makes it through this thing without having a major blowout of that hernia, I’ll be amazed. “Who’s your daddy now?” asks Phil with a grin. He then tells them that they’ve each won a 12 ½ foot catamaran, cautiously looking at them for signs of recognition. Ron jumps for joy, saying “I know what that is!” Take that, Mirna.
Nate and Jen run up the hill to the cross, Jen almost falls down after being startled by really loud gun guy (I love it), and Phil promptly sends them back down the hill, telling them they didn’t follow instructions. Burn! They must go back and find proper transportation before he can check them in. That just made my night, I tell you.
We finally get a few minutes featuring the last three teams - TK and Rachel enjoying the ziplines, Don puttering about with the bricks, and Azaria and Hendekea spazzing out. Editing seemed to show that Nick and Don and Azaria and Hendekea were pretty close at the end, but this is how the teams panned out:
1st - Ron and Christina, happy with each other for once.
2nd - Kynt and Vyxsin, who give each other an awkward high five.
3rd - Nate and Jen, who give each other a lame-o handshake, which Phil comments on.
4th - TK and Rachel, ever the happy hippies.
5th - Nick and Don, who looks like he’s on his last leg.
Philiminated - Azaria and Hendekea
So one of the strongest teams got screwed by a travel agent and a couple of business class tickets. Sucks to be them. Azaria tells Phil that he’s impressed by how his sister put up with him for the past few weeks (as am I), while Hendekea thinks that while her brother is hard on her, it’s just to make her a stronger person. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Next Sunday is the Survivor finale, so we get a week off. The next episode of The Amazing Race promises a freaky Fast Forward and a bitchfest between Kynt and Vyxsin...see you then!
Send all questions, comments, and Jen insults to: waywyrd@fansofrealitytv