Now that Jason and the Queen of the Hissy Fits, Lorena, have been eliminated, who will take over for her? Who will continually lose it on national tv, giving their coworkers back home enough ammo to roast them for months on end and allowing us at home to point at the screen and giggle at their stupidity? It’s not like we’re lacking candidates this season. The frontrunner seems to be Jennifer, the not-so-better half of Nathan. He’s no prize himself, but at least he keeps the squawking to a minimum and had the decency to not whine about coming in second last week, unlike Jen, who seemed to think the other teams should have tanked the last part of the leg just so Her Greatness could come in first for once. Jen, hon, here’s a suggestion: get your ass to the mat first. That’s the only way it’s going to happen.
The Internet Buffet, Complete With Lithuanian Pastries
Those first-place mat hogs Azaria and Hendekea start it off this week, ripping open their clue to read that they must fly over 3,000 miles to Vilnius, Lithuania, then drive to St. Anne’s Church for the next clue in a specially marked car. Azaria claims that he doesn’t have a quick temper, but the look on his sister’s face says otherwise. Nate and Jen leave right after them, and Jen confesses that they have “fire in their eyes” and it’s going to help them get first place this time. They both head off to the very un-busy Ouagadougou Airport in awful, beat-down pea green taxis. Of course, the ticket counter isn’t open yet, and they head over to a local internet café to search for the best flights.
The other teams are just getting started, and Ronald seems excited to be going to Lithuania, telling Christina that the Lithuanians “make some great pastries.” She gives him a blank stare while I wonder where on earth he got that little tidbit from. Methinks someone is mixing up the Travel Channel and the Food Network. That’s only one of the many Ron-isms we’ll be treated to tonight, trust me. Kynt also seems stoked, admitting that he’s always wanted to go somewhere like Transylvania or Romania, somewhere with “spooky” architecture. What’s really spooky is Kynt’s arms - I just now noticed that he’s got a bit of pasty white biceps action going on there. Somebody’s been hitting the weight room in addition to the makeup counter!
Everyone catches up and piles into the “Internet buffet,” as Donald puts it, hunting the best flights. Jennifer is still stressing over U-Turning Jason and Lorena last week, but Shana blows her off. So much for BFF. The café attendant tells them all that the ticket counter opens at 9, but Ronald isn’t one to wait around - he insists on heading over to check, just in case. Good thing, because they are open. Christina keeps asking the agent about Air France flights, and Ron flips out. “We don’t need to use Air France! She’s fossilizing her mind to Air France!” Poor Christina just looks at him in exasperation as I contemplate sending Ron a dictionary. She asks the agent to check other airlines, and lo and behold - there is a better flight, not on Air France. “Wunderbar!” exclaims Ron. Don’t ask, I have no idea.
The other teams wander over to buy tickets, and Nicolas shows once again how lame his social skills are. He tells the agent to give the other teams a later flight. Said teams are standing right behind him, and Hendekea calls him on it. He giggles and says it’s a game, but she gives him the stinkeye anyway. He stops laughing when Azaria and Hendekea get on the flight he was asking for with a different ticket agent, but Nick’s agent tells him the flight is booked and gives him a much later flight. He’s not a happy camper, and the others laugh when he leaves. “That’s karma,” says Azaria. Nick later gets seats on the better flight at another ticket office after finding out that Nate and Jen got seats after it was supposedly “sold out.” Meanwhile, Shana and Jen ask the other teams to leave the office so they won’t hear what seats the blondes are getting on the flight (why does this matter?). This goes over like a lead balloon, leading to several nasty comments. Jen stresses once again over playing dirty, leading to an argument between the friends.
The Gong Show
All teams fly off to Paris, and take one of three different connecting flights from there to Vilnius. Despite all the ticket drama and separate flights, the teams are only 10 minutes apart from each other when they land, except for Ron and Christina, who are 45 minutes behind. Nate and Jen hop in one of the marked cars (a Mercedes!) and proceed to track down St. Anne’s Church. When Nate asks directions, Jen “assumes” they need to turn left, and we get the hilarious gong sound that lets us know that team just screwed up big time. The blondes take a left, too - *gong*. Kynt and Vyxsin land, and all of a sudden Kynt has developed Myrna-itis - the odd development of an accent that comes and goes at random. For whatever reason, Kynt has picked up a British accent while asking for directions. Nate gets frustrated at traffic, whining that “this is the most insane place I’ve ever dealt with in my life!” Too bad he didn’t have Christina’s common sense. She paid a taxi to lead them to the church. Duh.
Nick and Don reach the church first, and discover a Roadblock. One team member must become a Lithuanian messenger and choose a local Lithuanian woman working outside, and receive a package and instructions from her on where to take it. Then they must travel on foot through the Old Quarter, find the correct person, deliver the first package and get the second package, which will lead them to one of four destinations and their next clue. Oh, you just know someone’s going to screw this one up. I like that there are four different places, too - no playing follow the leader.
On the way to the church, Shana and Jennifer block an intersection with their car as they look around. In the background we see the speeding bus we were promised last week, flying up to the blonde’s car, and....it slams into the Mercedes, sending the car spinning into a nearby building! Nah, not really. Jen got the car into gear and the bus missed them completely. But a writer can hope, can’t she? Damn teases at CBS. All that hype last week for nothing.
Kynt, Hendekea, Ronald, and TK (with the help of a local hippie/kindred spirit) complete the Roadblock with ease, while Nick flounders, trying unsuccessfully to get directions from locals. I don’t know what it is with this kid. Nobody else had trouble, and the locals in the beautiful old town seemed so friendly. Not so friendly are Nate and Jen - Jen is being her pushy self, and Nate tells her he can’t believe the kind of person she’s turned into, “it’s the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.” Ouch. Shana and Jen finally show up and Jen wants to do the Roadblock, but Shana shoots her down, saying she’s not a good listener and interprets things wrong. Some friend, huh?
Teams must now drive to the town of Rumsiskes and find Lietuvos Liaudies Buities Muziejus, a Lithuanian outdoor ethnographic museum. Once there, they must go gnome hunting! Yes, the little Travelocity dude is making his appearance. Once found in the picturesque country village, he must be carried back to the Pit Stop by the teams. First-place Kynt and Vyxsin find him quickly, and read their next clue, which is a Detour: Count Down or Step Up. In Count Down, teams must make their way through the midsummer festival in town and count the pickets in a marked section of fence correctly, and in Step Up, they have to walk on stilts along a length of road to the finish line. If they fall off before the finish line, they must start over. Doesn’t sound too hard, right? Riiight.
Pretty In Pink
The Goths decide to walk on stilts, and Kynt declares this his favorite moment of the Race so far as he walks through the costumed festival participants. “Vyxsin and I love to play dress-up,” he confides, and says he feels at home amongst the crazy costumes. They soon decide to dump the stilts and go count pickets after falling off repeatedly. TK stilt walks pretty easily, but tiny Rachel has a lot of trouble, as does hernia-plagued Ronald. Azaria and Hendekea give up the stilts and go to count, also.
Nate and Jen decide to count pickets at Jen’s insistance (she is not doing stilts, she declares). The teams aren’t allowed to count in peace, however - there’s a whole troop of locals trying to screw their count up, making noise and slapping sticks on the fence. Jen begins counting, 86, 87, 88, 89...100. Say what? When I was in school, 90 always came after 89. Must be that new math. Either way, she blows the count and they have to do it over. Nate decides to count, too, but is an out-loud counter, and Jen yells at him to “count inside your mouth!” as Nate calls her a bitch. Azaria and Hendekea nail the count and pass up the bickering idiots (the correct count is 717). Nate and Jen give up and do the stilts, not knowing how to count past ten.
Somewhere, about a week behind the others, Nick and Don and the blondes are gnome-hunting. They eventually make it to the festival and both teams choose to count pickets. Nick mistakenly counts the fence posts and gates, but he is able to go back and subtract them, getting it right on the first try. The blondes are too busy bitching back and forth about how to count instead of actually get the counting done.
After the teams hoofed it to the Pit Stop at Aukstaitija Windmill, they placed as follows:
1st – TK and Rachel, winning an awesome 10 day trip to Japan. Hippies are happy.
2nd – Kynt and Vyxsin
3rd – Ron and Christina
4th – Azaria and Hendekea
5th – Nathan and Jennifer, still finishing behind Jen’s nemeses. Ha.
6th – Nicolas and Donald
Sent home to catch up on their mani/pedis – Shana and Jennifer.
Jen begins sniffling on the mat, and Phil comments that she must have really wanted to stay in the Race. Well, duh, Phil! Do you know how many manicures, facials, and Botox shots a million bucks can buy? Sheesh. Shana confesses that they’re used to a comfy lifestyle, and having done without all the pampering, she’s amazed at what they’ve accomplished. Not a peep about the people or places they’ve seen on the Race, just a big old pat on her own back for surviving such “hardships” as having chipped nail polish.
I won’t miss ‘em one bit.
Join us next Sunday for our weekly Nate and Jen lovefest as she tells him how much she hates him, and Azaria treats his sis like a five year old. Good times.
Here's hoping Jen comes in 30 seconds behind Azaria and Hendekea for the rest of the race...waywyrd@fansofrealitytv