Once upon a time in T.V. development land there was an idea. An idea to televise a race around the world. The racers would come in the forms of groups of two people, and it would be hosted by a sexy-eyebrowed man. It was exciting and things were very good. The viewers were pleased. It came to pass that a plague would hit the race, changing it into a family edition, and limiting the travel. Things were bad, and viewers complained. The powers that be in T.V. development land gave people back their original race, and they were happy again. Then the powers that be said "the viewers have been faithful, regardless of what we have bestowed upon them. They have stayed through the likes of Flo, of Freddy, of Jonathan, of the pox that was the Weaver family. It is time we rewarded the viewers for their faith in TAR, and give them an All Stars edition!" But instead of a golden, shiny glow over the series, a darkness fell, and the viewers were sad as they saw their favorite show turned into a mere shell of its former glory. Will TAR ever emerge from this darkness shiny and new? Will we ever see our sexy-eyebrowed host again?
The Beginning of the End
We start this last leg in Guam, where Dustin & Kandice are departing at 11:53 AM. They rip open the clue - make your way to Honolulu, Hawaii. Teams must now travel over 3,800 miles to the Hawaiian island of Oahu. When they land they will make their way to the Kamaka Air Hangar and sign up for one of three helicopter flights to the island of Lanai. The beauty queens say that we're going to see a passion and agressiveness that we've never seen from them. *yawn* Eric & Danielle leave at 12:55 PM. Eric says he was only 5 minutes away from a million dollars in the race he ran with Jeremy, and that the only redemption will be winning first place this time with Danielle. Let me take this time to say yet again that I hate that they put a "blended" team on All-Stars. Ugh! Charla & Mirna get their clue at 1:29 PM, and everyone is off to the airport.
Dustin & Kandice get to the airport and get a flight that leaves at 3:50 PM, arriving in Honolulu at 7:40 AM. There's a layover in Tokyo. Eric & Danielle get a flight at 4:20 PM, but are unconcerned because it connects to the same flight in Tokyo. Charla & Mirna get the same tickets as Eric & Danielle on the later flight. When the 2nd plane lands in Tokyo, Charla & Mirna discover that there is a different flight to Honolulu, and race to find out if it's any better than what they've got. Charla pops onto one of those luggage carriers, and Mirna races through the airport with her. I'd sort of like to see Charla fall off and Mirna run over her, just because I'm mean like that. They get to the United counter, and find that the flight they're inquiring about gets to Honolulu at 7:00 AM, and they've got 15 minutes to make it. Naturally they do, leaving the other teams baffled about why they're not on their flight.
Up, Up & Away!
Charla & Mirna end up landing in Honolulu at 6:40 AM, while the other two teams arrive at 7:20 AM. Charla & Mirna get to the Kamaka Air Hangar first, and sign up for the 9:00 AM flight to take them 120 miles to the island of Lanai. Once they land, they will pick a jeep and drive 3 miles to Kaumalapau Harbor where they'll find a man in traditonal Hawaiian dress and get the next clue. The flights are just ten minutes apart, killing any lead that Charla & Mirna had. Eric & Danielle get to the hangar and sign up for the 9:10 AM flight, while the Beauty Queens grab the last spot at 9:20 AM.
Everything's Better When Wet
Unfortunately Charla & Mirna's helicopter doesn't crash, and they get to the jeeps, quickly followed by the other teams. While driving, Mirna admires the landscape and says "look at the cliffs, how they drop straight down!" Yes Mirna, that's why they are called cliffs. They find the man with the next clue, which is a detour - Under or Over. In Under, teams take a boat to an underwater cave and swim under the rocks, where their next clue is waiting. In Over, teams take their boat to an inlet, where both team members have to stand and paddle themselves on a paddleboard to a buoy where they'll get their next clue. Charla & Mirna choose Over. Charla has the advantage in this with her low center of gravity, and tells Mirna that it's not that hard. Mirna says "yeah, it's not that hard because you're shorter than me!" Okay, so now Mirna is yelling at Charla for doing GOOD at something because of her (lack of) height? I swear, Mirna could find fault with the sun for rising.
Eric & Danielle choose Over, but after seeing all the problems Mirna is having, change to Under. Eric says he has a shark phobia, so he's looking out for them, and I take a minute to fantasize about a great white coming and chomping him to bits. The Amazing Race - JAWS Edition! Yeah okay, fine. I bet frat boys taste bad anyway. Charla & Mirna finish their paddleboarding, and get the next clue - make your way to shipwreck beach and find your next clue. Teams must now drive themselves to shipwreck beach, named for a shipwreck off the shore. Once there, they'll trek 1 mile up the beach to find their next clue. Eric & Danielle time their swin and get under the rocks for their clue. Dustin & Kandice arrive to the detour, and choose Under. They get their clue, but crack me up as Dustin flashes her g-string a couple of times while swimming. Is that beauty queen behavior? I think not!
All three teams reach Shipwreck Beach fairly close together, and both Eric& Danielle and Dustin & Kandice pass up Charla & Mirna, as Mirna's little legs cannot maneuver the rocks very quickly. Mirna screams at Charla, "you have to run, it's a race!" Really? You don't think Charla's figured that out by now? Eric & Danielle reach the clue box first - teams must now choose a kayak and paddle out to the shipwreck, where they'll find their next clue on a buoy. Dustin & Kandice hit it next, then Charla & Mirna. Eric & Danielle paddle well together, while Dustin & Kandice are having a meltdown. Dustin seems to thing it's a good idea to get out of the boat, and just walk it there, since it's shallow. The waves keep smacking them, and Kandice yells at Dustin for them to get back in the boat. Eric & Danielle get their clue and pass Dustin & Kandice going the other way. Mirna yells at Charla to get them away from the waves, and I don't really see how she's going to do that, considering it's the ocean and everything. Then she yells at her "are you DEAF?" Which really, is a stupid thing to yell. If the person IS deaf, they can't hear you. After capsizing, Dustin & Kandice finally get their act together and grab their clue and begin the trip back to shore.
Eric & Danielle have reached the shore, and rip open the clue - teams must now travel more than 2,300 miles to their final destination city, San Franciso. When they land, they have to make their way to San Francisco's Old Mint. Dustin & Kandice get to the shore, and once in their jeep start a fight. Kandice is just itching to tell Dustin what she thinks, and boy, she does. "Dustin, out there on the water you were not a good teammate! You were about Dustin and didn't care what I was saying." They squabble for a bit, then Kandice tells her that she has no patience for her right now, and that she sucks up a lot. (heeee!) Dustin tells her that she's saying a lot of hurtful things. After being all teary-eyed, they make up. Charla & Mirna finally make it to shore, exhausted.
Airport, part 2
Eric & Danielle are at the airport, trying to get a flight to Oakland. They find one at 11:55 PM, arriving in Oakland at 6:57 AM. Dustin & Kandice arrive and get the same flight. Charla & Mirna try to get anything at all better, but don't have any luck.
This Is The End, Beautiful Friend
The flight lands, and all teams run for a taxi. Charla has popped out the wheels on her Heely rolling shoes, and Mirna is just rolling her along. I think this is unfair, unless ALL teams wore Heely shoes. Dustin & Kandice's taxi reaches the Old Mint first, and they get the next clue, a final challenge showing how well teammates know each other. First, one team member must enter a vault assigned to their team. Once inside, that person has to answer questions displayed on the wall. Answers must be chosen from a numbered list on the wall, and their answers will create a 4-digit combination code. They'll program this into a safe, locking a clue inside. That person then leaves the vault and their partner will come in and have ten minutes to match their teammate's answers and unlock the safe. If they're successful, the safe will open and they can leave, if not they have to keep trying for the entire ten minutes. Is that complicated enough for you? The questions are as follows:
In the opinion of your team, which other team...
- is the least trustworthy?
- has the best sense of humor?
- is the most overrated?
- is the one you most want to stay in touch with?
Dustin goes in first for her team, and Eric for his. Mirna is dragging Charla down the sidewalk on those damn Heelys. For least trustworthy, Dustin answers Rob & Amber, while Eric answers Oswald & Danny. Obviously Eric hasn't gotten over the whole yield thing. For best sense of humor, Dustin answers Uchenna & Joyce, while Eric answers Charla & Mirna, proving he's been dropped on his head a few times. Most overrated is Rob & Amber from both Dustin and Eric. They both answer Uchenna & Joyce for most want to stay in touch with. Charla & Mirna start the task, with Mirna answering first. She picks Rob & Amber for least trustworthy, Kevin & Drew for best sense of humor, Rob & Amber for most overrated and John Vito & Jill for most want to stay in touch with. At the last second, Dustin goes back and changes "least trustworthy" to Joe & Bill.
Danielle, Kandice and Charla replace their teammates. After a few failed attempts, Danielle gets it right and they get the next clue - teams must now travel by taxi to the Botanical Gardens, where the first team to cross the finish line will win the Amazing Race and a million dollars. Eric & Danielle grab a taxi and borrow the driver's phone to get clear directions. Kandice and Charla do not figure out the correct codes, and are given their clues after the full ten minutes is up. When Charla & Mirna grab a taxi, Charla tells the driver that it's "like a life and death situation." I hate when any team uses that phrase in this race, it's about money, not life and death. And unless there's been some fantastic rule changes, non-winners won't face a firing squad when they trail in to the finish line. But wouldn't that be fun? Danielle is praying in her taxi, while Kandice is stripping off her jacket showing huuuge sweat stains. Charla, not yet done with her crappy accents, tells her driver "we give you all our money if you take us there quickly."
We get the shot of Phil, standing at the final mat, with eliminated teams standing in lines on either side. Who will be first? Whoooooo? It's Eric & Danielle, and Phil says "28 days, 5 continents, more than 45,000 miles, Eric & Danielle, you are the official winners of the Amazing Race, you have won one million dollars!" Phil tells Eric that he is the first person ever to get into the final three twice on the Amazing Race, and Eric says "with much better results." Eric says he's happy to be there with Danielle. Danielle says that the race kicked her butt, that Eric kicked her butt.
Dustin & Kandice come in second, and tell Phil that they're honored to be there. Charla & Mirna come in last, and say they had a great time. Mirna says at the end, she thinks that so many people got to know the "real" Charla & Mirna. Well that just concretes my opinion that she truly IS a raving lunatic bitch, yay!
In the weirdest TAR moment ever (and that's saying something) Phil tells Eric & Danielle that he has a Sprint phone for them to call their family, and hands it to Eric. Eric says "hello?" and on the other end is Jeremy, his original race partner, sporting a buzz-cut and neon-pink t-shirt. Eric tells Jeremy that they won, and he responds "yea-ah, yea-ah, I'm ree-otch beeyotch!" Because he is a freaking idiot. Jeremy then says "I'm loving it, I'm loving it, I'm taking it in right now. Dude I'm going to give you some spankings when you get home, that's awesome." Bizarre? Yes. Any reason I can see for this stupidity? No.
One million dollars, not bad, now Eric can afford triple Rogaine treatments and Danielle can get those roots done. As of this writing, the fate of this show has yet to be determined, but I think I can speak for us all saying I'd love to have it back, but never ever EVER have another All-Stars edition. I'll miss you, Phil! Call me!
My apologies to Steve Miller and Jim Morrison, for my blatant lyric-stealing. If you've got Phil's phone number, contact me here.