Amazing Race. Schmazing race. Lame-azing race. Okay, I'm just saying that because I'm not thrilled with the four teams we have left. Well, I take that back, I love Oswald & Danny. Since we've been together this long, by now you know all of my ridiculous insults for Charla & Mirna, so I'll just get on with the recap. Last week was a non-elimination leg, and Eric & Danielle were the lucky recipients of that fate. They have the by-now-familiar 30 minute penalty, which they'll incur unless they are first on this leg. Last pit stop was at the Hong Kong Jockey club, and that's where we'll begin this leg.
Oswald & Danny are first to leave at 3:41 AM, and they get the clue - travel by turbo jet ferry to the city of Macau. Teams must now travel 40 miles by turbo ferry to mainland China, to the city of Macau. When they arrive, they'll find a certain man with a rickshaw to give them their next clue. They have $73 for this leg of the race. Other teams may have saved money from previous legs, but Oswald & Danny are close to b-r-o-k-e, thanks to Danny's frivilous newspaper buying to complete a roadblock a while back. They're really concerned about their lack of funds, especially after tickets for the ferry cost them $50. They contemplate prostituting themselves. Once they leave the ferry, they find the rickshaw guy and get the next clue - travel by taxi to the tallest structure in Macau. Teams must now figure out that at 1,109 feet high, the Macau Tower is the tallest structure in the city. They must then travel 2 miles by taxi to find it, and search inside for their next clue. Caution! - yield ahead. Uh-oh. I'm sure you all know what a yield is by now, but just in case, here goes: there are only 2 yields in the race, this is the last one. If you get to the yield first, you may choose to yield another team. The yielded team will have to turn over an hourglass when they arrive at the yield, and wait 30 minutes before proceeding. You can only use a yield once, but you sure as heck can be yielded more than once! Oswald & Danny don't think they'll have to use it.
Dustin & Kandice are next to depart, at 5:23 AM. Dustin & Kandice describe their race style as "wild animals fighting for food." If this fight was between each other, I am sure there are some people that would pay to see that. They ride the ferry, find rickshaw guy, and once they discover there is a yield, they think that they might be yielded. When they arrive at Macau Tower, they find Oswald & Danny waiting there because the tower doesn't open until 10:00 AM. All smiles, they mention the yield, which they can't use due to using it previously in the race. Oswald has a proposition for them, and since he's gay, it's not the type of proposition the Barbies are used to. Oswald tells them that they're broke, but that in exchange for money, they'll yield whoever Dustin & Kandice want them to yield. Dustin & Kandice think about it for a little bit, then give them $45 to yield Eric & Danielle. Oswald isn't happy about racing this way, but they needed cash. I'm sure this is a reasoning of hookers everywhere. "But I needed the cash!" Poor Ozzy & Danny, I love them so.
Charla & Mirna are third to depart, at 7:06 AM. Mirna says that people think just because Charla is teeny-weeny, that she's supposed to treat her in a special way. No Mirna, but it would be nice if you weren't a raving bitch all the time. She says that people see her as a tyrant but that she's here to win.
Eric & Danielle leave at 9:31 AM. Waywyrd mentioned this in her last recap, and I have to agree, does Danielle own anything that covers up her cleavage? Anything at all? She needs to be careful, because she's dating a really immature guy, and when you're showing off the "girls" like that while dating an immature guy, you're in store for things that just aren't that funny. Like him throwing popcorn in your cleavage at the movies, followed by comments of "I'll go in for that later!" And really, that's why I broke up with Todd. Oh, these tangents are killing me...back to the race.
Charla & Mirna arrive at Macau Tower, and Mirna gets an unexpected hair compliment from Kandice. The compliment just sort of hangs there in the air, with neither the giver or receiver believing it was really spoken. Macau Tower opens, and there's a mad dash to a sign bearing numbers of what order they'll go in. Dustin grabs #1, Oswald #2, and Mirna #3. But even though they're inside, whatever they're going to do doesn't open until 11:00 AM, so it's another hour-long wait. Charla goes up to Oswald & Danny and offers them cash since she knows they're low on funds. Oswald thanks her profusely, and tells her that it would have been wonderful a bit ago, but that they have secured some money. Dustin & Kandice see them talking and worry that they're making a different deal with Charla & Mirna. 11:00 AM rolls around, and they all board the same elevator to the 61st floor. Eeeee!!!
Oswald gets to the yield first, and yields Eric & Danielle as promised. Then he and Danny get the next clue - and it's a roadblock - whoever is going to do the roadblock must step outside and walk completely around the outer rim of the observation deck. Then they have to do a 660 foot sky jump to the street below, where they'll get their next clue. Kandice is going to do it for her team, and Danny for his. And of course, since it's something super-scary, Mirna is finally letting Charla do something! They get into cute little orange jumpsuits, and circle the outside deck. For reasons unknown to me, they have to change again for the actual jump, into blue jumpsuits. Why not have them walk around in those to begin with? Maybe it involves different harnesses, I don't know. Kandice plummets to the ground, and says that she thought she was going to crap her pants. Look for her to be offered a Depends adult diaper spokesmodel gig soon.
Kandice & Dustin get the next clue - travel by taxi to Lou Lim Loc garden and find your next clue. As they're racing out to a taxi, they see Eric & Danielle finally arriving at Macau Tower. Eric & Danielle don't see them, though, they're too busy musing that maybe the blondes are yielded. They get to the yield, find out the bad news, and yell that Oswald & Danny are pieces of *bleep*. Nice! Then Eric does the always-mature bird-flipping, earning us viewers a nice fuzzy blob on the screen. He then rattles on about how he has no respect for Oswald & Danny after this, but I have to ask, wouldn't Eric have done the same thing if necessary? Yeah, that's what I thought. Eric does the roadblock, finally doing a difficult one this race.
Oswald & Danny get to Lou Lim Loc garden first, and get the next clue, which is a detour - Noodle or Dragon. In "noodle" teams make their way by taxi two miles and find a building where they'll choose a noodle making station. Using traditional methods they'll flatten it, and then cut it, making two bundles of noodles. In "dragon" teams must make their way by taxi to a warehouse where they'll choose a dragon head and a drum. They must then carry them three quarters of a mile to a dock with dragon boats. They must then attach their dragon head to the one boat that it fits, and hand over their drum. Oswald & Danny choose "dragon", thinking it will be fun. I don't see how, as it's pouring down rain.
Dustin & Kandice choose "noodle", as do Charla & Mirna and Eric & Danielle. Meanwhile, Oswald & Danny's taxi seems to be lost, and Oswald prays "God grant me the patience to withstand the things I cannot change, and the intelligence to hide the body of this man once I'm done killing him." I'd say that's probably not God's favorite prayer. Then their driver takes them to the end of the detour where the boats are, and Oswald about pops a blood vessel wanting to kill him.
The beauty queens arrive at the noodle place, and discover that "traditional methods" of flattening noodle dough consists of straddling a big pole (hee!!) and bouncing up and down. Kandice hops right on, and I can't begin to describe how pornographic this could look to some. Dustin comments on Kandice "riding the pony." Apparently she has some experience at this as she flattens that dough right out. Wonder if this was her talent portion of one of her beauty contests? Like say, a secret performance in a judge's room? Unfortunately they don't cut the noodles thin enough and have to do it again, just as Charla & Mirna arrive. Kandice hops right back on that noodle pony and rides it for all she's worth. Second time is a charm, and they get the next clue - find the mini moke to find your next clue. Teams must now travel by taxi one mile to a certain street, and figure out that the mini moke is a small car, and they'll choose one and get their next clue. Want you own mini moke? Here's one for sale on eBay. The owner says he's had hours of topless enjoyment with it. Hee!
Oswald & Danny finally find the warehouse with the dragon head and drum. Oswald levels another death threat at their taxi driver after getting no response when asking how to get back to the lake he took them to in the first place. Danny says he knows how to get there, and since they have to get there on foot, the taxi driver is going to follow them.
Now for the non-erotic noodle-making, Charla & Mirna are anything but traditional (or sexy) as they create their own methods for working the noodle station. Naturally Mirna yells at Charla to get out of the way so she can do it. Charla is standing on the flattening board, where the actual noodle dough is. That just can't be sanitary, since she's being running around the world wearing those shoes. Mirna's ready to cut the noodles, and Charla tells her to cut them thicker. They present them to be examined, and they're too thick. Mirna is pissed, as she was cutting them thin to begin with. She then snipes at Charla as they re-do them. During this, Eric & Danielle have arrived, made perfect thin noodles, and received their clue. Sweet!
After leading Oswald through the streets of China hopelessly lost, Danny decides it's time to ask someone how to get to the lake. Their taxi driver has ambled up beside them, and points forward, so they go that way. They fuss, they argue, but they finally get to the lake. Their dragon head fits into the last boat they try, and Oswald says to give them the damn drum. They get their clue.
Dustin & Kandice find the mini mokes, and get their next clue - drive yourselves to the island of Taipa and find the next pit stop. Teams must now drive themselves 5 miles to the island of Taipa and find Triho de Taipa Pequena 2000, which is the pit stop of this leg of the race. They pick a cute little hot pink mini moke and take off. After a bit they find a guy on a motorcycle and ask to follow him to Taipa.
Eric & Danielle have the same idea, as they find their mini moke and ask to follow their taxi driver to Taipa. When Charla & Mirna find the mini mokes, Charla whips out her fake accent to their taxi driver, complete with hand gestures. "Your car go, our car go behind!" I wish just once on this race, someone would say to her or Mirna "shut up you condescending bitch." Just once. Is that so much to ask? Mirna can't drive a stick shift worth a crap, and drives right into a curb. People honk at them and some guys move their car back to the street properly. Mirna tells Charla "one day it would be so helpful if you could drive the car." It would probably be helpful if she grew a couple of feet taller, too, but it's not happening right now. Oswald & Danny get in their mini moke, and are going to follow their driver as well. I don't know why they have kept this same driver after his intial mistake of taking them to the wrong end of the detour, but they do.
Now for the (non) suspenseful part, the race for the pit stop. Who will it be? Who, who whooo?
1st ~ Dustin & Kandice, winning a pair of waverunners. They confess their paying to yield Eric & Danielle plan to Phil
2nd ~ Eric & Danielle, and Eric looks like he has a photo of Oswald & Danny stuck to his rear end? Well SOMETHING is flapping around back there. But wait, they have a half hour penalty, go wait it out! Dustin & Kandice go up to them, and Danielle tells them that they got yielded. The blondes confess that they paid Oswald & Danny to yield anyone but them. (liars!)
2nd ~ (really this time!) Charla & Mirna
Oswald & Danny get out and look for the pit stop on the wrong side of everything, and realize they have to go around. The editing team has made it look like it's tooth and nail between them arriving at the pit stop, and Eric & Danielle being done with their 30 minute wait. That's probably not the case at all. The 30 minutes is up, and finally....
3rd ~ Eric & Danielle. Woohoo. Bleah!
4th ~ Oswald & Danny. Noooo! Not them! But Phil tells them that this is the last non-elimination leg in the race. They're happy but tired. So am I.
Two more episodes. Two! Tune in next week for Waywyrd's look into who makes it into the final three. As for me, I'm going to bid on that mini moke on eBay.
Have YOU ever ridden a noodle pony? PM me here.