3/25 The Amazing Race Recap - Barfing Midgets Make Me Laugh
Z-z-z-z-z-z. Pardon my napping, and welcome to yet another episode of the not-so-Amazing Race! I am clearly disgruntled, as this was the most boring episode of TAR ever. Or maybe I just have strange standards, I don't know. I apologize in advance, as most of this episode takes place in the airport, and I may doze off again while recapping. Last week we saw Uchenna & Joyce come in last, but lucky for them it was a non-elimination leg. They have to come in first tonight, or incur a 30 minute penalty. Will Uchenna & Joyce make up enough time? Will Charla & Mirna annoy me? Gee I can hardly wait, let's go!
The fifth pit stop was in Mozambique, so that's where we're starting from now. Yes, I'm Miss Obvious here. First out of the gate, Charla & Mirna, who I not-so-affectionately refer to as "the bitch & the midget." Hey, while I'm at it, I got slapped with a complaint from S.H.O.R.T. (Society Honoring Only Really Teeny) just like I predicted. And you know what? That bunch of midgets can kiss my furry rear! Moving on....
Charla & Mirna are wearing matching shirts that say "Too Hot to Handle" and I will just leave comments about THAT to myself. Sheesh. They depart at 9:07 PM, and Charla gets the honor of ripping open the clue. Fly to the city of Dar Es Salaam, Tanzania. Teams must now travel 1400 miles to Dar Es Salaam, the largest city in Tanzania. When they land, they must travel 10 miles by taxi to a ferry terminal. Once there, they must pull a number for one of the traditional sailing boats called "dhows", and sail to Zanzibar, where they'll get the next clue. Man, that's a long clue. Anyway, the other teams leave in this order, at these times:
- Dustin & Kandice - 9:47 PM
- Teri & Ian - 10:13 PM
- Oswald & Danny - 10:18 PM
- Joe & Bill - 10:32 PM
- Eric & Danielle - 10:33 PM
- Uchenna & Joyce - 10:36 PM
They have $124 for this leg of the race. Charla & Mirna say they just have to take risks, and proceed to annoy the crap out of their taxi driver. See? Their annoyance factor is global. Dustin & Kandice take time out to snark on Charla & Mirna's matching shirts, and that's why I don't have to do it. Ian yaks on and on about how he's gruff but has character and honor. And paper underwwear, don't forget about that! Oswald & Danny, who are my preferred team, talk about having fun on the race, and go to find their driver, Andre. In a reality-tv-crossover moment, they do a perfect Tim Gunn "Where's Andre?" impersonation from Project Runway, and my love for them grows ten-fold. Joe & Bill say they know now that they can't trust anyone. Seriously, just now they know that? Danielle says about Eric "I don't really just lay back and let him take charge". Well, that's clearly enough about their sex life, isnt it? Uchenna says "We know we have to rely on ourselves." I am officially turning my Miss Obvious crown over to him.
Charla & Mirna have arrived at Maputo International Airport, and Mirna is already doing her HIGHLY annoying thing of talking in the fake accent to the taxi driver. I have no idea why on earth she thinks that talking to people with faux-accented broken English will somehow make them understand her better. I find it condescending as hell. Just talk in your normal voice already! Bitch. They find one office open, and they lady there is talking better English than Mirna's faux-accent. They're told that there is a flight to Tanzania in the morning at 8:30 AM on LAM, but that they don't open until 5:00 AM. Mirna says "You call for me South Africa Airlines?" and the lady says "Right now? It's not possible." Mirna says "What number you have to dial out?" Charla dives into it with a fake Italian accent complete with hand gestures, asking "Just try please! You just dial beep beep beep" and I wish with all my might for that office lady to knock that annoying midget across the room. They give up and go back to the hotel, since they have hours until the ticket office opens.
Dustin & Kandice arrive to the airport and find out the same information, so they go back to the hotel as well. Teri & Ian arrive, and Ian wants to stay in the airport. Teri wants to go back to the hotel, but Ian says that traffic will be horrendous, and insists they sleep in the airport. Teri is mad, as that means six hours in the airport until that office opens. Joe & Bill say they're staying there too, but they don't show whether that's true.
The next morning, all teams are in line at the LAM counter, and all are told that they 8:30 AM flight for Dar Es Salaam is full. Teri & Ian ask for stand-by, but Charla & Mirna slink off to find out what else is available. They find a 7:00 AM flight to Johannesburg that connects to Dar Es Salaam, but the connecting flight is full, and they'd have to try to get on stand-by for the connecting flight. Charla & Mirna decide to chance it, and book the flight to Johannesburg. None of the other teams do, as they think it's too risky to chance not catching that connecting flight. These other teams are all told that it's a no-go on LAM, to head on over to South African Airlines to find out their fate.
Meanwhile, Charla & Mirna land in Johannesburg, and accost some airline worker named Cristo, pleading with him to get them on the flight to Dar Es Salaam. Cristo is being very kind to Charla, even kneeling down to her level to talk to her face-to-face, but of course Mirna can't stand this and yanks him up to hold hands and demands he prays that they get on the flight. They get the tickets, and Mirna grabs the hand of the lady handing her the tickets and kisses it. Ewwww, Mirna-spit. Nice. They hop on their flight to Dar Es Salaam at 9:55 AM.
Back at South African Airlines, the teams are just sitting there, waiting for them to open at 9:45 AM. It's only 9:00 AM, but Eric notices a door to South African Airlines opening upstairs. He and Danielle go up there, followed by everyone but Teri & Ian and Joe & Bill. These last two teams think it's a waste to walk all the way upstairs. The teams that are upstairs are told that there is a flight on Air Tanzania, that'll leave Johannesburg (once they're there) at 1:15 PM, and will arrive in Dar Es Salaam at 6:30 PM, but it's full. They are all put on stand-by. Downstairs, Teri & Ian and Joe & Bill get on the same stand-by list, but because they waited for the office to actually be open, they're last on the list. At 12:53 PM, all teams head to Johannesburg.
They hit Johannesburg and make a run for it. Some guy says he has a list of eight of them, and those with tickets will be checked in immediately. He calls Oswald & Danny, Uchenna & Joyce, Dustin & Kandice and Eric & Danielle. In other words, everyone who went upstairs in the last airport. Those teams scurry off to the plane, thrilled that there are two teams behind them. But wait! The airport guy wants to know where Eric & Danielle are, then he goes to the plane and boots them off, saying they were given someone else's tickets. HEE! Eric asks if anyone wants to get off the plane so he can stay, for $50. No one takes him up on it. The airport guy tells them that there may be a flight tonight, while Danielle is having a meltdown. They're finally told that there's a strictly stand-by flight the next day at 9:55 AM, arriving in Dar Es Salaam at 12:55 PM. They are upgraded to "priority" stand-by. Teri & Ian and Joe & Bill are also put on stand-by for that flight, and Teri is livid about spending another night in an airport.
While all other teams are stuck in airports, risk-takers Charla & Mirna are hitting the tarmac at Dar Es Salaam at 2:52 PM, a day before the last two teams are scheduled to arrive. They catch a taxi to the ferry, and pick the first seat on boat 1. But they're told due to the weather between there and Zanzibar, it won't leave until the next day at 5:30 AM. As they're being told this, it's bright and sunny and one little cloud is beginning to cover the sun. Of course this may not be representative of the weather between there and the island, but c'mon, I hate Charla & Mirna and find that particular bunching up just bit too set-up and obvious.
That night the next flight lands at 6:50 PM, carrying Oswald & Danny, Uchenna & Joyce and Dustin & Kandice. They rush to the ferry, and Oswald grabs the second seat on boat 1, leaving at 5:30 AM. Dustin & Kandice are told that boat 2 won't leave until 8:30 AM. Uchenna & Joyce run up and grab the last seat on boat 2.
At 4:30 AM, Oswald & Danny are at the ferry waiting, and Oswald is playing like he's a prostitute picking Danny up. It's pretty funny, and when Charla & Mirna arrive, he keeps it up, saying "this is our corner, we work this bench" but Charla & Mirna totally don't get it as they are humorless wenches. Once on the boat, Oswald is still joking around, saying to Mirna "we're going to trade you for food now" and she still doesn't get a joke. Whatever. Charla starts blowing chunks overboard, and I'd laugh if only the puking sounds weren't so gross. Oswald takes pity on her on puts a wet cloth on the back of her neck, while Mirna just lays there like the unhelpful witch she is, and says "you guys know a lot of beauty tips." Oswald tells her that it's not beauty tips, it's like first aid. Mirna then says it's nice to have other companions with them. They're CAPTIVE on the same boat, Mirna, it's not like they chose to be with you.
Boat 2 leaves (yes, I know they're called "dhows", I really do.) Uchenna & Joyce and the Beauty Queens are aboard, and Uchenna is talking about how slaves took this same voyage. Then he does some pirate impersonations, and is having a good time all-around. This boat is much more fun than the puking one before it.
At Johannesburg airport, Eric is getting all mouthy about "honoring the line" even though the airport is very empty. He's got some serious bed-head going on, and is hatless, so we can tell that he's rockin' a receeding hairline that goes all the way back to his EARS. Dude, put your hat back on. Teri & Ian arrive and Ian tells Eric for them to not fight over stand-by. Joe & Bill and a bunch of nameless travelers show up, and they're told that there's only room for two on stand-by. Eric & Danielle are the lucky recipients to get on that flight. Ian is told that Air Malawi has a flight at noon. He and Teri, as well as Joe & Bill, all get on that flight. Bill says he's never been so happy to leave a country in his life. I'm just waiting for you all to get out of airports so I can have something, anything else, to write about.
Zanzibar! (and no more stupid airports)
Boat 1 dumps out Charla & Mirna and Oswald & Danny, and they're all on foot looking for a marked kiosk. They find it, and with it find the detour, "Solve It or Schlep It". In "solve it" teams make their way 1/3 of a mile to a hotel, where they must assemble a 62 piece puzzle in a style of artwork known as tinga-tinga. It looks like peacock feathers made out of fish with a boat on top. The pieces are painted on both sides, making it more difficult. In "schlep it", teams must make their way one mile to Kijangwani lumber yard, chose a local handcart, and load two 50 lb. logs onto it. Then they'll take the logs to a shipyard. Both Charla & Mirna and Oswald & Danny decide to do the puzzle. Oswald & Danny finish first, getting the next clue- make your way to Kikungwi, where you'll find your next clue. They leave, and decide to stop and buy some fruit. In the meantime, Charla & Mirna finish, and pass them.
Charla & Mirna make it to the next clue first, and it's a roadblock "Who's On Target?" Teams must toss a wooden mallet called a "rungu" 65 feet to destroy a clay target, and receive their next clue. Mirna is going to do it, since there's pretty much no way that Charla could throw it high enough to get up there. They miss a lot, to the amusement of the onlookers, and Oswald & Danny arrive with Danny deciding to do the roadblock. Mirna hits her target, then does cartwheels. She rips open the next clue - make your way to the next pitstop, Old Fort. Teams must now go 15 miles through Zanzibar to Stone Town and find the Old Fort.
Danny hits his target, and he and Oswald are off to the pit stop, munching on their fruit along the way. Charla & Mirna go to the wrong building, and Danny & Oswald go to the wrong side. Charla & Mirna hit the mat first, each winning a 12.5 foot catamaran. When they hear of their prize, they go "huh?" and Phil explains to them that it's a sailing boat. Oswald & Danny come in second and are happy, hopping around.
Back to the boats, boat 2 had arrived with Uchenna & Joyce and Dustin & Kandice. Uchenna & Joyce choose "solve it" while Dustin & Kandice choose "schlep it". Uchenna & Joyce make quick work of their puzzle, while Dustin & Kandice dump their logs once, but otherwise do a fine job. Uchenna gets to the roadblock first, and decides that he'll throw the runga. He jumps around with the locals for a bit, hits his target, and jumps some more. He's so happy that he actually shows Joyce some affection for once. They get to the pitstop, are told by Phil that they're the third team to arrive, but that they have to wait 30 minutes to be checked in since there's marked for elimination. The 30 minutes passes with no other teams arriving, so they are team number 3. Dustin & Kandice are now at the roadblock, with Dustin throwing the runga. They get their clue and hit the mat as team number four.
Eric & Danielle get to the ferry, get a seat on boat 3, and while all the other tags also say "3", they don't have to wait for other teams, they have a boat to themselves. Teri & Ian and Joe & Bill get to the ferry station, and are told they have to wait until 8 PM. Eric & Danielle arrive in Zanzibar, and pick "solve it". The puzzle is no problem for them, so they go off to the roadblock wth Danielle throwing the runga. She doesn't actually hit the target, she hits the pole but it makes the target fall off and break, so that's good enough. They get to the pitstop, where Phil looks a little tired. They're team number 5.
Finally, finally, Teri & Ian and the Guidos arrive in Zanzibar and both teams decide to "solve it" and do the puzzle. Joe & Bill finish first, and head to the roadblock where Bill does the throwing. He finishes and they leave before Teri & Ian even get there. They make it look like Ian breaks the target immediately, but who knows. They show both the Guidos and Teri & Ian going to the wrong place, trying to up the suspense here. The Guidos make the mat first, and Phil really looks sleepy-headed now. Joe & Bill are team number 6. That leaves Teri & Ian, who get eliminated.
Now that I'm numb from writing about all of this airport activity, and you are probably numb from reading it, I want to address something...equalizers. In the forums, you'll often read complaints about equalizers, where teams will lose their lead because of bunching at airports, or areas that don't open until a certain time. Some people think that's fair, and makes for a more intense race. Others think it's not fair, and penalizes the ones racing really well. Personally I hate equalizers if a team I like is ahead, and love them if I team I like is behind, simple as that. I'll say this, the lack of bunching in this episode made it very non-Amazing about how the teams would finish, and as you could see, Phil checked teams in on different days. How will this affect the race next week? Tune in to Waywyrd's double-good recap with a double April Fool's Day episode!
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