Welcome to the Accidental TARist, a freshly scented, brand new weekly article from the mods and writers of the FORT staff. Each week, teams will be dissected and analyzed for the good, the bad, and the ugly for each leg of the race. Join us in laughing at each team's triumphs, misadventures, and what just might keep them in the race another leg or send them home sooner.
Kris & Jon Ė AKA Team Inspiration
Bunching up? We donít need no stinkiní bunching up!: Many teams are getting frustrated with the continual bunching up of the groups that is consistent all this season. More so than in years past, this race has been quite forgiving for falling behind. It is going to come down to being the best racers in the last step of each leg. Jon and Kris are showing they have what it takes to complete grueling challenges, all the while enjoying the scenery and taking time out to encourage Bolo, while racing strong to the end. They finished first this leg with time to spare, and Phil genuinely seemed pleased to see them at the mat. Could they be the rarest of the rare? Normal happy people on a reality show? My gosh, this could start a whole new trend.
Models and Actors and Nancy Boys, Oh My!: The previews show Jon getting angry with a taxi driver somewhere in Asia. That could mean a very bad turn of events, and at the end of the race, seconds count. There are no pretender teams left in the race at this stage, and each of them might take a chance to yield if given the opportunity. Jon and Kris have dealt with adversity before though, so here is hoping all goes well.
With the prize money, Kris could buy her own elephant: Kris and Jon remain one of the top teams left, and if they go to the end, they may well turn out to be the best racers to date. There is a long ways to go though, and they need luck as well as skill.
Hayden and Aaron a.k.a. Team Machine
Well-oiled: H & A ran a clean leg this week, thus garnering little airtime. No maps or cars again, yay for the actors. Aaron seemed to be a good choice for the strong legs/sharp eyes roadblock, appearing to not even bother to use the binoculars as he quickly spots the trail marker for the pit stop. They swim past the slower, more confused competition for a second place finish.
Whatís that rattling sound? Hayden is afraid of heights. This surprises me, because sheís been repelling and bungeeing her way through the race without complaint. Maybe itís just the exact height of a palm tree that gives her trouble. Her midair panic attack slows them up a bit, giving Kris and Jon an easy lead. Their on-going troubles with bad taxi karma did not give them a break with the tuk-tuks this week.
Where will they place? H & A see Kris and Jon as their biggest competition. Are we looking at the final two? If the actors continue to focus (and can avoid the dreaded map), they have a good chance to take the million.
Freddie and Kendra - engaged models, Team Kittens and Sunshine
Skittles Rainbows and Fuzzy Soft Unicorns: Honestly, nothin' spells L-U-V like eavesdropping on your spoon partner hurlin' up their dabo kolo at a public restroom. Make that: multiple public restrooms. Poor Kendra sweats her way through the first part of the race, with Freddie's kindly love salve swabbing her brow with support and of course.....more babies. (Again...not literal.) Also important, is Freddie's kind-of strength. In the coolest finish line EVER on TAR (to me), he yanks her wirey, wimpy ass from the pool and all but places her in Phil's arms to be cradled like a baby. He might have enough strength for both of them, and dare I say......these two crazy, wack, offensive, ignorant kids just might make it. They just might. *sniff* They enjoy sharing life together, and seem to share in all joys, including the remarkable joy apparent in stiffing a cabbie. Also important: they stopped to smell the roses in the form of an elephant's hairy back. So anyhow, they're having fun. And fun-havers usually win. <--not proven.
When the Cookies HAVE to Come Up: Freddie and Kendra lack the oily shanks necessary to physically endure most of the challenges AND beat the pulp from their opponents. Does this matter? Pfffft. You talk ah crazy! But...still: she took a gamble and ate questionable food. Will a Yoplait-gone-bad be their undoing? Um......no. But not learning how to read a clue could uber-bleep them in the future. And they don't need to be uber-bleeped. Not by others, anyway. Not right away.
Chance of more rainbows: it's a toss up. If they start reading their ENTIRE clues, we could be opening up a pandora's box where genetic fortuity is combined with actual common sense/wisdom. They would be unstoppable. And that could be wrong.
Adam and Rebecca, Team HellRaiser
Shiny, Happy People: Though they aren't in an envious position, Adam and Rebecca start off as amiably as two feuding ex-lovers can. Rebecca leaves a nauseous Kendra choking on the dust kicked up by her teensey-weensey feet in the 4-man relay race challenge, while Adam proves to be cuckoo for coconuts as he shimmies up and down trees like a spider monkey. And that's where the good times stop rollin'.
Stop Monkeying Around: They fail at procuring first runs for planes, trains, and automobiles. "Nancy-Boy" should not have been the team member chosen to do a task that involves any detail work. Once again things beyond their control (drivers making pitstops in the dead heat of a race) really hinder them. Should Rebecca fashion Adam's horns into a halo for better luck?
Can It Go Swimmingly?: Rebecca has wisely realized by now that pretending to love Adam is the best way to get him moving other than literally lighting a fire under his butt. Attention to detail might help override all the bad luck that seems to shadow them where ever they go.
Lori and Bolo, aka Team 'Roids
I Ain't No Track Star: Lori and Bolo spent most of the race in first or second place. Even though Bolo's much-cared-for muscles were not bred for endurance, he and Lori managed to finish their relay race in good time, they were second coming out of the tree-trunk challenge, and things were looking good.
I Ain't No TAR Star Either: Alas, all it takes is one bad spotter and you're dead on the weight bench. Lori and Bolo missed reading a key part of their last clue, forcing Lori to run up a lot of stairs, run back to snatch up her admission pass and curse Bolo, and go up again. The delay proved fatal (in a figurative, race-related sense), as it allowed the other teams to dash past them. The colorful wrestlers were last to arrive and the latest team to be eliminated.
Special thanks to the contributors, in alphabetical order: Bill, Feifer, LG., Lucy, Mantenna, Shazzer, SnowflakeGirl, Speedbump, spegs, Texicana, and Wayner.