“That’s Nice And Confusing” ~ 8-03 Recap
As many of you know I’ve been having a busy few weeks. I was hoping this week would be better. I guess it is, if you discount the fact that I am typing this on the computer we dragged out of the closet. Seems our other one is screwed, so I’ve lost absolutely everything. Yeah, poor me. Anyway, we went from a 40GB to a 4GB. Yes. 4. You have my permission to laugh now.
That’s the only “poor me” news I have though, so in this crazy thing we call life, that’s not bad at all. I’m just happy I can deliver this recap in a timely fashion.
I get this weeks title from my daughter who uttered the words when my favorite reality show host was explaining one of the clues. Since my explanation will be similar to his, I’m sure you’ll figure out where it fits.
Teams are given $123 for this leg of the race. They will need to get to the Hermitage, a museum in St. Petersburg, and search for the painting Return Of The Prodigal Son by Rembrandt. Once they search the nearly 3 million different exhibits to find it, they need to point it out to a museum curator who has been following them and laughing, and that curator will give them the next clue. That clue sends the teams to Egypt, where they will find the next clue waiting for them at the top of the Tower of Cairo… you guessed it, a tower in Cairo. The 600-foot structure holds clues at the top, including the first 2 Fast Forwards in this race.
The Fast Forward directs a team to carry a sarcophagus to a temple. The team will then be given directions to the Pit Stop. I’ll get to that later.
If the Fast Forward has been used, teams will be directed 14 miles away to the Gaza Plateau. Once there, they must follow the yellow rocks which will lead them to the Osiris Shaft and the…
Roadblock. One team member must descend down the shaft by a series of ladders. Once at the bottom the player must retrieve a satchel (something that confuses a couple of them) and bring it back to the top where they will be given the clue. This clue consists of a map and a puzzle. Teams must put the puzzle together, but figure out that it needs to be done on top of the map. If they put it together correctly, on the right part of the map, the missing piece will point them to where the next clue is. Hmmm, did you figure it out? Yeah, this is where this week’s title comes in. I think it could have been explained a tad easier, but really, it not only bulks up my recap, but I got to hear Phil talk a little more than usual. Yay. The clue they find at the base of the pyramid… which is where they have to look, gives them the choice of this weeks…
Detour where teams must decide between Rock and Roll or Hump and Ride. Please insert your own Ron Jeremy joke here. In case you’re wondering Ron Jeremy is a porn star. In case your wondering how I know that, well… mind your own business. HAHAHAHA, no really, he was on The Surreal Life, and that is absolutely the only reason I know of him. Really. No, really. If teams choose Rock and Roll they have to transport two boulders totaling 600 pounds across 100 yards of sand. They will have to use some planks and small rolling logs to get them to the awaiting Egyptians who will hand over the next clue. If they chooseHump and Ride they must strip down and…. Wait, no… (man, I can’t get my mind out of the gutter with this one. Sorry), they have to mount a horse (now, really, get your mind out of the gutter, it’s crowded down here), and lead a camel carrying carpets to a carpet vendor 1 mile away. The task is easier, but the horse and camel folks have certain hours, so teams must get there in time. Once the Detour has been completed, team are directed to…
The Pit Stop. Where Phil and a local man will meet the teams at The Sphinx.
Let the racing begin…
Chip and Kim 9:11 am
The husband and wife team, who I must admit are growing on me, are feeling good about being in first. They do a good job of making Americans look like idiots right off the bat though. They need to get to the train station. To get directions they walk up to random people yelling “CHOO-CHOO?”. Well, I roll my eyes and laugh, but I guess it works as they get to the station and hop a train right away. Once they arrive at the museum Chip introduces himself to the curator. He asks his name, but I miss it. I’m pretty sure it was Jaimie (pronounced with the “H” for the “J”), and that he used to work on Get Smart. This man has no emotion whatsoever. This doesn’t stop Chip from having a good time and talking to others in the museum. I’m just thankful he’s not looking for the train anymore. Being Christians, they at least know what the painting could look like and seem to find it in good time. The duo are excited about going to Egypt and dance their way out of the museum. They find themselves equalized with many other teams by the available flights to Cairo. They know that some people are ahead, but that there are also people behind, so they are still feeling good. At the top of the Tower they are elated to learn that they will be going to the Gaza Plateau. Chip is taking time to absorb all the biblical history that surrounds him. He comments on Moses and the Nile, his smile so big and genuine that my cheeks hurt. When they get to the Roadblock it’s Chip who will descend the ladders. I really don’t know if they discussed this or not. He has no problems with the detour, and brings the satchel up the ladders in good time. He and Kim get the puzzle put together and figure out where to go next. At the Detour they really have only one choice as it is after 5:30 and if they want to Hump and Ride they will have to wait until the morning. Of course they choose Rock and Roll and Chip gains a new respect for the builders of the great pyramids. The two are doing a great job and have a definite rhythm down, but it is exhausting work even in the cool evening. The men at the end of the rock pull give them there clue and they head off. For those of you who watched the episode, YES, I know there was a little more for Chip and Kim and that YES, it is actually important. I’ve decided to add it to other paragraphs, just to keep a little suspense… or bulk up other paragraphs. Either way, you can read it later. They see the Sphinx and arrive…
Colin and Christie 9:42 am
I think Colin has PMS. I just really feel the need to find an explanation for what I deem erratic behavior. Sometimes I like this team, sometimes I’d want to smack them. Hmmm, perhaps I am the one with PMS?? Nah… The two get on a good train to St. Petersburg, and have no problem finding the museum. Luckily Colin is brilliant and figures out that perhaps the prodigal son could maybe, just maybe be Jesus. He then decides to point at a painting of someone who looks like William Shakespeare writing a sonnet. No Colin, that’s not it. They do find it eventually, and head off for the airport catching a flight through Paris. Once in Paris they decide to check for a better flight and find one that will get to Cairo 12 hours before the flight they originally had. This puts them at the base of the Tower of Cairo with hours to spare before it opens. They reach the top and decide to go for the Fast Forward. I feel as though I will spoil very little by telling you that at this point in the race they KNOW they are at least 7 hours (that’s 420 minutes or 25,200 seconds) ahead of the nearest teams. I can’t figure out why they would take the Fast Forward now. No matter, as they do. Colin, being the brilliant specimen of a man that he is decides that they should go to the back of the village to get the sarcophagus, even though the clue says it’s located at the front of the village. So, they waste time. Not quite 25,200 seconds, but they do waste some. They finally get the clue and head off for the Sphinx where they arrive…
Marshall and Lance 10:09 am
Awwww, poor Marshall. His knees hurt. He can barely walk. Unless someone was to yell “free Pizza”, I bet he’d be able to run then. Whatever. I apologize in advance, as I have no sympathy for this team. I know there are folks out there who like them. I know they have loved ones who now hate me (yes, I’m assuming they are reading this). It’s OK, I know I don’t know the Marshall and Lance of the Real World, and have only seen what the editors want me to, but hell. I just don’t like them. So, they get on the train and start in with their complaining of the local people. They are saying that Russians may be the most miserable people on earth. Pot meet Kettle. Now, I gave Colin a hard time for his Prodigal Son comments, but at least he figured it out. These two decide the best course of action is to point at every painting they come across. I wish they’d started in the basement, but alas they didn’t, and were given the clue after what seemed to be a rather short time. They arrived in Cairo at the same time as many of the other teams, so they were a little worried that Marshall’s knees would slow them down. After getting the Roadblock clue Lance got a tad snippy when saying “I guess it will be me”. What a great brother that Lance is. My brother would have been carrying me the entire way. Of course, my brother is in a little better shape than Lance, and I don’t weigh as much as Marshall, I’m just trying to prove a point is all. By the time the guys get the Detour options the camel place is closed, so unless they want to wait until morning, they must move the boulders. At this time they are not the only ones doing this, and as they look around, they get upset because they can’t figure out how to do it, when it looks like other teams are breezing through it. They aren’t ya know… breezing through it… but to Marshall and Lance it looks like they are. They get the boulders across the sand and receive the final clue. They head off and arrive…
Charla and Mirna 10:13 am
Holy Crap. “Choo Choo”. Really? Yes, really. Mirna asks where she can find a cab, and after receiving directions, proceeds to ask for the “Choo-Choo”. Although I failed to mention it above, the “Choo-Choo” is 20 miles away. Charla and Mirna keep getting pointed in the right direction, and after choo-chooing their way through town, they realize they walked the entire way. On the train, they find themselves surrounded by Americans. I say this only because these folks aren’t miserable at all, so they can’t be Russian… right? So, they find out from a non-miserable person that the painting they will be looking for is on the second floor of the museum. Once they arrive they make short work of finding the painting. At the airport, they meet up with many other teams, and they realize that most of the teams are all on the same flight. Charla and Mirna find a better flight that will put them into Cairo almost an hour ahead of the others. They wisely don’t want others to know, so they hang out with their fellow racers, until they all fall asleep. Charla and Mirna then sneak off and board their earlier flight. They have trouble finding the yellow rocks, and Mirna spends some quality “cousin” time yelling at Charla to hurry up. Yes, Charla needs to hurry. The one team member who has virtually carried this team thus far. At the Roadblock Mirna admits to being a tad claustrophobic and tells Charla that she is unable to do this. Charla doesn’t bat an eye, and suits up to descend the ladders. After Charla is gone for about a minute, Mirna starts feeling bad for sending her. Whatever Mirna. It takes Charla a while to get down, and she has to take a break on the way up as the wet satchel is a tad heavy. She is reunited with Mirna and the two dump the puzzle pieces onto the sand. These pieces confuse the hell out of Mirna, but Charla figures out pretty quickly that they need to be put together on the map. Once they figure out that the next clue is waiting at the corner of a pyramid, they head off to find it. Upon finding the clue (thanks to Charla once again), they realize that they have to get to the camels within the next few minutes if they want to avoid pulling the rocks. Again Mirna yells at Charla to hurry. Charla, who can see the camels, is sure they won’t make it in time to Hump and Ride for the Detour. She decides to have Mirna start blowing her whistle. I laugh, but what the hell? It works, and the guys who were beginning to pack up, stop and wait. Charla gets swept off her feet and placed on her steed and the two head off for the carpet man. They enjoy the ride, and again take in the beautiful scenery. After delivering the carpets, they receive the final clue and head off for Phil. They arrive…
Brandon and Nicole 11:50am
Brandon thinks that Nicky is a good girlfriend. I don’t know why I’m telling you that, but he told us, so I’m passing it along. Again with the freakin’ CHOO-CHOO to get directions. It’s bugging the heck out of me, but it really does seem to work, as they get to the station and head off for the museum. They can’t seem to get help from any of the museum patrons, but manage to find the painting anyway, prompting Brandon to scream, and Nicole to get embarrassed. Once in Egypt they get a great cabbie, and race off to the clues. Brandon, being a big Chicken Crap doesn’t want to do the Roadblock which is why I’m confused as to why he did. I guess they must have edited something out because he heads down to the depths and retrieves the satchel. They can’t figure out to put the puzzle on the map, but I guess they must have seen another team do it, as they are next heading off for the Detour. Once again, there is really no choice, so our friends choose to Rock and Roll. Brandon feels the need to yell at his Good Girlfriend over and over, as she can’t seem to figure out that she needs to move the planks, in order to move the logs, in order to actually get the boulders anywhere. Her plan for laying the planks out, takes them on the scenic rout, and this of course, causes Brandon to yell some more. At one point the boulder or the track or the log or SOMETHING falls off stopping them dead. Brandon asks Chip for help, and he happily obliges. He (Chip) is a nice guy, and couldn’t leave them there in good conscience. Since they received the help, they do manage to get the boulders to the right place and receive the clue directing them to the Sphinx. They arrive…
Linda and Karen 12:14pm
The fun team, as I think of them, miss the train to St Petersburg by minutes, putting them on the same train with Kami and Karli. They get to the painting, and receive the clue sending them to Cairo, but find themselves at an airport that has no international flights. This gets them to the right airport too late for a flight out that night, and they have to wait until the morning. They will however catch up with some of the other teams when they all connect in Frankfurt. This puts them at ease a little as they hang out waiting for the flight. Once in Cairo they race to the tower, then race again to the Plateau. They can’t find the path marked with the yellow rocks, but instead follow Kami and Karli hoping they know what they are doing. Then Linda trips and twists her ankle, marking certain doom for the duo. Because Karen is not Linda’s sibling, it was a no brainer that she do the roadblock, and she did so with no snotty attitude whatsoever. Imagine that. I swear I watched, but I have no idea if they had trouble figuring out the puzzle or not. Next thing I know they are pulling the rocks in the Rock and Roll choice of the Detour. Again I imagine the editing room floor full of great shots of Karen and Linda working their butts off, but what we see is them getting directions to the Pit Stop. They arrive…
Kami and Karli 12:50pm
The twins have no problem getting to the train, and I’m pretty sure there were no kindergarten noises needed to get them there. They get to the museum, and make quick work of getting to, and pointing at, the correct painting. Upon leaving the museum, they get directions to a travel agent, and book themselves a flight to Cairo. They barely make the flight out, and other teams are thrilled to see them board. Can you read my sarcasm there? Just checking. When they arrive at the Plateau, they can’t find the rocks to follow, but continue to run anyway. They fear they are in the back of the pack, and just want to get there. Usually knowing how to get there is an important part of actually arriving at your destination, but these girls don’t care. They just continue to run. This seems to work, as they find themselves at the Roadblock. I find myself wondering if they ever saw a yellow rock, and if that will affect anything later. Kami performs the climb, and brings the satchel (it’s a bag honey) up to her sister. I don’t think they even put the puzzle together, but they are wandering the desert when Chip comes and shows them the way (insert Moses joke here). They are thankful, and it seems that the foursome may be friends again. I am getting tired of announcing that the teams had to choose the Rock and Roll for the Detour, but really, it’s just what happened. No one was stupid enough to wait until morning. The girls do a good job, get the clue, and head off for the Pit Stop where they arrive….
Phil, the Sphinx and The Pit Stop
As always, I will list the racers in the order in which they arrived, with their departing order in parenthesis:
1. Colin and Christie (2)
2. Charla and Mirna (4)
3. Brandon and Nicole (5)
4. Chip and Kim (1)
5. Marshall and Lance (3)
6. Kami and Karli (7)
Meaning of course that the fun moms, Linda and Karen, were last to arrive. They knew they were last and were not at all surprised to have Phil tell them. They were however, a bit surprised to hear that this was one of four predetermined non-elimination rounds and that they were still in the race. The surprises kept coming though, and they weren’t so good. It seems that throwing in new twists is the thing to do in reality TV, so now the team arriving last in a NEL, will have all their money taken away. They will also not be given any money at the beginning of the next leg. Uhg… I certainly hope they make it next week, as I’d hate to see them go.
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