It just goes on and on my friends. Flo started doing it, but she knew what it was, now we have to listen to it weekly, just because, it was the whine that never ends…. It just goes on and on my friends……
Yeah, you got it. A couple of weeks ago I titled my recap “Congratulations Zach! You’ve won a lifetime supply of whine” I had no idea how right I was.
I would have had my recap up earlier, but I have to change the bandages on my ears every hour. The Drs. Were shocked to learn that a woman’s voice really can cause massive hemorrhaging in the ears. I think you’ll be reading about it in the New England Journal Of Medicine soon.
I’ll start the recap, as I always do, by listing the particulars for the first half of this two-hour whinefest.
Teams must leave the pit stop and make their way to Gletscherschlucht and find keys for a cool Beamer, where they will find their next clue. Drive to Kandersleg and take the auto train to find the “red Bridge”
Detour: Extreme Swiss or Very Swiss. If teams choose extreme Swiss they need to bungee jump off of a suspension bridge. This is the highest bungee jump in Europe. It is 620feet high! If they choose very Swiss, they must wrangle themselves a goat and get a key off of a bell around his neck. Whichever they choose, gives them the option of calling home. If they choose to make the call, they must hang up before getting in their car to continue the race.
Road Block: Get to Château De Chillon. You must be a “nuts and Bolts” type person. The team member who chooses to do this RB will need to assemble a Swiss Army Bike . An expert will tell them if it is safe, then they must ride to a paddle boat and take it to the Steamship Savoie floating on lake Geneva.
The Fast Forward: You must find a Swiss Cheese House and eat as much cheese as necessary to uncover your FF card completely. The card has directions to the Pit Stop.
Derek and Drew 4:55am
They read their first clue and learn that they have $40.00 for this leg of the race. They decide to count it… 20, 40… good!
Drew informs us that he doesn’t mind flirting since he is single. You never know where you may find true love. God, please tell me he’s just mentioning that… that he really doesn’t consider for a second that he may have actually found it here. They realize that they have to wait hours before they can actually begin racing, so they get a hotel room to chill out in. They share a room with Flo and Zach.
When they arrive at the Gletscherschlucht Gorge, they seem surprised to see that a line has formed… I’m not sure how stupid I think these guys are. Did they honestly think that there wouldn’t be a line when they spent the last 4 hours in a hotel?
They find their key and head off for the auto train. Derek is driving, ,but can’t seem to find the parking brake. Drew is yelling at him already.
Drew then gets a visit from Flo while they ride the auto train. She spends all her time with him, in the back seat of the Beamer. It seems to me that this must have upset Derek, as when they drive off the train, he’s pissed at Drew for his lack of map reading skills and sever compass disability. He’s known Drew for a long time, so I believe he’s expressing his anger over the “relationship with Flo” by getting pissy about where they are going. Let it out Derek, it’s better for you.
When they read the choices for the detour, they decide they will make the 620’ bungee jump and head off for the bridge.
I have to comment here, that I love heights… LOVE them. There is a feeling of freedom being way up high above everything. I never would have been able to make that jump. I would have had a heart attack. Seriously.
Derek will jump first. He takes a deep breath and swan dives off the bridge we hear: “AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHOL YSHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii_________ ” He loved it!
He has to keep reassuring Drew. Drew keeps asking if all the belts are tight, if the legs are secured…. I don’t know how long Derek had to talk to him, but Drew finally stepped off in the middle of one of Derek’s little pep talks. He is very relieved that’s it’s over, but very glad he did it too.
They receive there next clue and a T*Mobile phone. They read that they may use the T*Mobile phone top call loved ones at home. Derek pushed the yes button on the T*Mobile phone and was able to speak with his wife Rebecca. She really is a beautiful woman . I think I see another reason for his pissy quick temper lately.. he needs a release… soon! He then hands the T*Mobile phone to Drew who gets to talk to their mom Beth for a couple minutes. When they disconnect the T*Mobile Phone we see Beth and Rebecca hugging. It really was sweet.
When the twins arrive at the Road Block Drew decides to rise to the occasion. He has lots of trouble putting together the bike. It seems like nothing will fit where he thinks it should go. Those Swiss and their complicated machinery! Good thing these two didn’t have to assemble a Cuckoo Clock. He finally gets the OK, from the expert and they receive their clue. They pedal off towards the paddle boats. One of them makes an excellent swing-the-right-leg-over-the-bike-while-cruising-to-a-stop dismount. I give it a perfect 10!
They hop into the paddle boat and head off for the Pit Stop. They arrive……
Flo and Zach 4:56
Flo informs us that Zach is great but Drew is older and more grounded, so she’s attracted to him. I put that into my whiney brat speak translator and learned it means “I think Drew is a hottie and I’d do him in a second, I don’t give a crap about Zach or his feelings, he’s to darn calm and collected, I need someone who will actually yell, as long as it’s not at me because I’m perfect”.
Flo thinks it’s a good idea to spend money on a hotel, even though they could be there for less than 4 hours… I guess she’s used to motels that charge that way. Not a peep out of Zach about wasting money… I know he wanted to say something, but I think he still had a headache from Flo’s previous whining. Might as well let it slide right now.
The smaltzy music begins as we see Flo lying in the bed next to Drew.
They leave the hotel and head off to find the key to their Beamer. Zach is actually the first to spot the keys, and because Flo is running ahead with the twins, he has to yell so everyone can hear. She moans about having followed everyone and passing the keys. She somehow manages to make it sound as though it was Zach’s fault. As they wait to board the auto train Ian delights in telling them that they have learned that the Red Bridge they are all seeking is a bungee jump. Of course this causes lasers to shoot out of Flo’s eye’s, turning Ian into a pile of ash. Well, that’s what I would be saying if looks could kill. She shot him off a good one, because of course it is Ian’s fault that she’s a wuss and is afraid of everything.
As I mentioned above, Flo decides to chill with Drew for the auto train portion of the race. This does not sit well with Zach, but my daughter points out that he received a well-deserved respite. How right she was.
Flo is already freaking out about the jump. There is no way she’s going to jump, no way, nope, uh-uh, no way. Really after the cliff breakdown, did anyone think for a second she would? Why did she find it necessary to tell us over and over?
The goats hear Flo yelling at the others to be quiet, and go slow. Goats can run fast. They can jump high.
They get their key and head off to get the clue. They are both happy to find a T*Mobile phone waiting for them. They learn that they can push the yes button on the T*Mobile phone to call loved ones.
Zach gets to talk to his sister Ariel, who seemed very sweet and supportive. He tells her: “I have very important news for you kid sister. I forgot to pay my credit card bill, could you send it off? Love you”
H-V-K-O-A-E-I-L-L-E-D-F-L… rearrange that and you get “Have Flo Killed”… I hope his sister got the message.
Flo starts in on her whining almost immediately. Yelling for Zach to hurry up and get off the phone. She then SITS DOWN to talk to the person they paid to play her friend… Lindsey. She finally hangs up
They get lost on the way to the RB. Zachs fault of course. Of course he is the one to do it. Luckily as Flo needs time to relax and think of new ways to irritate us viewers… she does.
He has trouble getting the bike together and is the last one able to do so. Once he gets the OK from the expert he decides it would be safer to take off the lower have of his pants, thus eliminating any chance that they get caught in the chain. Please understand that all he had to do was zip off the bottom half. He did not have to go to a tailor and have them cut and hemmed.
Flo spends the rest of the show whining about how they have now lost the race because Zach had to take off his pants. WHhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYyyyy yyyyyYYYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyy ZZZZAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCHhhhhh hhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh??? ????????
She throws her trash on the ground… less than two feet from a trash can. She has incurred the WRATH OF CALI! As if I didn’t already dis-like her enough. Why must people do that? I really just don’t get it.
She continues to whine as they pedal to the paddle boats. She whines as she SEE’s another team climbing into their paddleboat… “we’ll never win”
Zach is doing his darndest to keep her spirits up. They can see the other team, they can do it, they will be fine.
This does nothing for Flo. She takes off her bike helmet and throws it with such force to the ground that a piece snaps off. We last see the helmet floating in the pristine waters of Lake Geneva, as Flo continues her temper tantrum. I’m sure at this point Flo could find a way to blame all the worlds troubles on the fact that Zach had to be safe and take off his paaaannnnnnnttttttssssssssssss sssss.
She refuses to help with the peddling. She’s embarrassed that they have lost. We’re going to look so stttooooooooopid Zaaaaaaccch” God, I hate this”
Zach, astill upbeat, gets them to the Pit Stop. They arrive…….
Teri and Ian 5:03am
They are proud of the fact that they have gotten this far in the race by working together on not having alliances. Ian informs us that the other teams fear them.
They are the last to get the keys to the Beamer, and I know already that Ian will spend a fair amount of time with his own whining. I firmly believe that if Ian’s voice were a few octaves higher, he’d be in the running for the “Whiniest Reality TV Contestant Ever”. Fortunately for Flo, the pitch of her voice makes it almost impossible for most people to realize that Ian whines too, thus I think he’s out of the running.
Ian does not do well in High stress situations.. thank God he was a cop
They are the first to find out that the Red Bridge that all the teams are looking for is actually a Bungee Jump. The sadist in both of them surfaces as they regale in telling the teams the “good news”.
When they finally get to the clue Ian barks at Teri to “COME”.. not once, but twice. She does. He’s screaming at her to open the clue faster… he had the clue in his hand. He gave it to her to open. Then he complains because she’s not fast enough. Ian is in need of some BDT (My knew term picked up from Damon Wayans… it stands for Beat Down Therapy) I will be happy to administer it to both Ian and Flo.
Teri wants to go for the goats, Ian is very obnoxious as he tells her he was willing to jump, and that her choice just probably cost them the game. . She fires back with a flash back to an earlier episode. You remember the one where she was willing to skydive, but he insisted that she lead the ass on the cart. He repeatedly tells her that this will be their undoing. I almost wish she would have said “Fine, ,let’s go” Ian had a hard time watching her hang from the cable car. He told us he’s afraid of heights. He would have wussed out in no time. (Yes, I do remember I said I wouldn’t have been able to do it either… but I admit it)
When they arrive at the goats they run in to Ken and Gerard who tell them about the T*Mobile phone call they get to make. This lights a fire under Teri’s butt, and she books it up the hill to the goats. Ian, who is behind her tells her to hurry up… I don’t get it!?
Teri finds a goat with a key and starts off for the clue and the T*Mobile phone she knows will be there.
Of course they choose to use the T*Mobile phone and it really is sweet hearing Teri talk to her sons Brandon and Seth. Brandon is cute as he tells Mom he misses her, and Seth, the older of the two actually manages to say “I love you too.” I mention it only because he looks like he could be the age at which boy’s really don’t want to be heard on TV saying they love you. It was sweet.
Ian talks too.
Then yells at her to hang up.
They drive off for the Road Block and arrive last. Ian informs us that it pays off to have kids. … Why? Because they gave him the strength to carry on when he spoke to them? No, because he’s put together a bike before. Oh well.
He does do a good job getting the bike put together and they pedal off. After riding for a bit Teri’s tire hits the curb and sends her falling to the ground. I
Ian does actually ask about her welfare before yelling at her to keep going. He’s angry that she bent the tire. He makes quick work of fixing it and they are off again. Teri showing no sign of being hurt. They make their way to the paddleboats and get to the Pit Stop. They arrive…..
Ken and Gerard 5:07am
We find out that Gerard has 2 ½ year old twins at home and that he misses everyone terribly.
They are working alone at this point and trhey are doing a great job. They find the keys to the Beamer quickly and head off for the auto train. Neither one is too excited to learn that the red bridge is a bungee jump location. When they arrive there Ken almost knocks one of the twins over in his rush to the clue box, then has to be reminded by Gerard to actually get the clue. It takes them .07 seconds to decide to go for the goats. Gerard admits to being a “Big Fat Wuss” who doesn’t want to die because he has kids. Ken doesn’t want him to die either.
They get to the goats and Ken has an interesting way of err…. Ummm…. Mounting the goat to get the key out of the bell of it’s collar. This is a vision, which will take months to fade from my memory.
They make their call home on their T*Mobile phone and Gerard is cute as all git out as he speaks to his wife, Jennifer and finds that they all miss him terribly, but are holding out and love him very much. I must note that I believe the first purchase Gerard should make if they are to win, would be that of a new cordless phone. One that doesn’t have duck tape holding the battery in. Yes, they either truly do have kids, of they knew Flo previously and she had a temper tantrum at their house and threw their phone.
As they run to the car, they tell Flo to take her time on her T*Mobile phone call.
Gerard has been putting things together under pressure on Christmas Eve for a while, so he decides to do the road block. Again, these two do not need me making things upo to have you laugh… the following is a pretty accurate transcript of the conversation with the expert:
G “Good, right”
Expert “Not safe”
G “Well, what else…. Oh the chain!”
K “It’s perfect Gerard”
G “Perfect bike”
Expert “No Good”
Expert “Not safe”
G “Good? Safe?”
Expert “Not safe”
G “This guys tough!”
Hmmmm…. Reminder to Mrs. Gerard… Please check all toys on Christmas Eve!
They finally get the thumbs up from the expert and head off towards the Pit Stop.
They arrive to see plenty of paddleboats waiting for them, and know that they are beating at least one or two teams. They run up the stairs of the boat yelling for Phil.
Phil is standing there with that serious look that I have come to love. They yell at him to “Spill it” “Let us have it Phil” “Don’t even try” “Lay it on us buddy”
Phil is using every muscle in his face at it’s full capacity to not laugh. He finally manages a “Ken and Gerard…”
They are ecstatic that the speech has begun.
John Vito and Jill 5:08am
They hated coming in last at he last Pit Stop, and really don’t want it to happen again. They talk about the Fast Forward, but want to read what it is before deciding. They know there will be no competition for it, as they are the only remaining team not to have used it.
They learn that the Fat Forward has to do with Cheese and decide to go for it.
Jill worries that it could be stinky cheese… it could smell like feet
This thought, when voiced to John Vito, produces a moan.
Shortly upon entering the Cheese House Jill informs us that she’s going to vomit. She says it’s slimy and wants John Vito to eat the first piece. She takes one close to where he took his, and he decides that until they see part of the clue, they should hop around and not choose adjacent pieces.
Jill’s laughing and the wonderful Yodeling that the producers decided to add for this Fast Forward entertain us.
John drinks about a gallon of water and even mentions giving up and trying to catch the other teams.
We get to hear the word Vomit a total of 5 times. Then John Vito tells us it was delicious!
They head off in the car for the pit Stop. Jill needs to put on some lipstick and a smile for Phil, as you never know what that might get her
I really dig these two.
They paddle about halfway to the boat when I hear something I never thought I’d hear from weither of them. They actually admit that they are …..gasp….tired!
They make it to the boat and they arrive…….
PIT STOP on the Steamship Savoie on Lake Geneva
1st John Vito and Jill (Win a cruise in the Caribbean)
2nd Ken and Gerard
3rd Derek and Drew
4th Teri and Ian
5th Flo and Zach
Unfortunately this is the second of three predetermined non-elimination rounds. Flo and Zach are safe!
Part 2 is done! Click on the link in my sig line to read it
To contact the author of this article please email: firstname.lastname@example.org