Last week was a dirty mess as teams participated in a WWI reenactment, crawling through fields for clues as biplanes flew overhead, dropping “bombs“. Some teams enjoyed it, some very much didn’t. I’m sure you know who the gripers were. Jeff and Jordan slipped through to last another week only because of the detectives’ U-Turning of Joe and Heidi, who never could get through the Morse code task, causing Phil to come and get them out of the trenches. Because he has better things to do than stand on the mat all night. This week, teams will still have the opportunity to get lost in the pastoral beauty of the French countryside, just in case they missed their chance last week.
Still in Northeastern France. Clue: Drive 37 miles to Reims, find a Joan of Arc statue along with a local playing a singing saw. You’d think most people would know a little about who Joan of Arc was, but you’d be thinking wrong. More on that later.
Louie and Michael compare the chilly weather to New England in December, but shrug it off because they are The Men. They can handle anything. The two detectives are pretty damn pleased with themselves, having nabbed several first place finishes. Watch the smugness, guys, it ain’t over yet. Jet and Cord are already discombobulated, not knowing where they should go and joking about finding a local 7-11. And - alert the media - Carol and Brandy actually enjoy their ride, commenting on the scenery, without arguing. Will miracles never cease.
Dan and Jordan stop for directions, but cannot understand because of the woman’s accent. It takes them a while to understand the word ‘cathedral,’ mistaking it for ‘Cathy Droll’ or some such. One of the guys (I seriously still have trouble telling them apart) gripes that the people there can’t speak English very well. And I want to smack him for that bit of stupidity.
Steve and Allie manage to find the statue without incident, and get their next clue in the form of a champagne cork. Jet and Cord arrive next, having gotten their stuff together, followed closely by Louie and Michael. Boy Jordan ponders how champagne is made, thinking it may be wine mixed with club soda, while girl Jordan gets Joan of Arc confused with “the guy who carried all the animals.” That was Noah, laughs an incredulous Jeff. I weep for our education system.
And also for Jet and Cord, who zip off to a neighboring city for no reason in one of many stupid mistakes made this episode. Once they figure out they were supposed to stay put, they utter an exasperated “Oh my gravy!” as they high-tail it back to Reims.
This episode is chock full of dumb, I tell you.
Whack a Bottle
Next up is the Roadblock, which consists of rappelling down into a cave-like wine cellar and hunting for a marked bottle of champagne amongst racks and racks of bottles. Boy Jordan does the rappelling first, and he’s not too pleased about it. But he does it with a minimum of whining. He finally finds the teeny little Amazing Race flag on a bottle and grabs it, heading back up the stairs. The fun part is next - he has to whack the cork off with a saber, sending champagne shooting out, along with the next clue.
Louie is next, huffing and puffing the whole way. Dude really should have hit the gym before the Race. Steve follows, and Steve-O seems to be all about any task involving booze. He even attempts to sip a bit of champagne from the broken bottle at the end as the clue guy looks on in amusement.
Meanwhile, Brent and Caite have managed to find a statue. Unfortunately, it’s not the right one. Caite thought Joan of Arc was a guy (see previous comment about our education system). Brent is getting tired of Caite’s attitude and they snipe back and forth, making me wonder how he’s put up with her for this long. It must be so hard for Caite to be right all the time.
Back at the cellar, Brandy is making her descent, whining all the way. Carol hopes futilely that Brandy won’t be in a “piss-ass mood” when she gets back outside. We all know better, don’t we? And all of a sudden, I think of that movie The Descent - I honestly wouldn’t mind seeing one of those bug-eyed creatures pop out and grab that whiny thing, taking her from my tv screen for good.
But I digress.
Jet and Cord manage to find the correct city, and Cord does the rappelling, letting out a yelp and an “Oh my gravy” as he spots the bottle. Brent has ignored Caite’s bleating long enough to find the cellar, and he does the task as Caite bemoans the fact that they didn’t get to drink any champagne. Girl Jordan is afraid of caves, so Jeff does the Roadblock, taking a celebratory swig of booze before he leaves. Steve would be jealous.
The Grapes of Wrath
The Detour awaits our teams next - either Tower or Terra. For Tower, they must build a champagne glass tower 15 levels high, then successfully pour a big-ass bottle of champagne down the top. This is a disaster in the making, but that doesn’t stop a few teams from picking this one. In Terra, teams have to search a 1 km. field for a specially marked bunch of grapes. I’d be all over that one.
In between butchering the French language, teams stay busy getting lost and going to the wrong town in search of the Detour. To be fair, some of them were given bad directions from locals, probably caused by teams not being very clear. Steve one-ups them all and decides to smash his car’s fender on a curb, effectively making it impossible to drive for all the plastic rubbing on the tire. Lucky for him, his wife made him pack every guy’s favorite tool - duct tape! After a lot of pulling, taping, and some bloody knuckles, Steve gets the poor Mercedes in drivable condition. Phil will not be pleased.
While this is going on, Louie and Michael have been searching the fields - Michael proudly finds the Amazing Grapes and gives a bit too much information, saying that if he “can find crack in someone’s rear end, he can find grapes.”
Alrighty then. Thanks for sharing, Mike.
Carol and Brandy have thankfully chosen to search for the grapes - that shrill voice would have shattered the glasses. Dan and Jordan are the only ones to try the Tower and be successful, nervously pouring what they think is a “60 lb. bucket bottle of champagne” over the glasses. They stand! Highly proud of themselves, they declare that they are now available to build champagne towers for Bar Mitzvahs and such. But they don’t come cheap.
Brent and Caite spy Carol and Brandy getting directions to somewhere, and decide to follow them. Awesome, except that they followed them to the Pit Stop. Without having done the Detour. After having their Duh Moment at the Mat, they go back and hunt for the grapes. But Caite whines long and loud that she doesn’t want to do the grapes, she wants to do the Tower, and whine whine whine blah blah. Jet and Cord arrive, find the Amazing Grapes, and haul butt while Brent and Caite stand around cluelessly. Having had enough of the bitching, Brent says fine, and they go to build the Tower. Unsuccessfully, I might add. They get the thing built, but when it comes time to pour the champagne, half of the glasses crash to the floor as Caite stands there, wide-eyed. Back to the field they go, Caite apologizing all the way.
They manage to spot a marked bunch as Jeff and Jordan arrive from wherever the heck they’ve been, and the Big Brother couple unwisely choose to build a Tower. Guess what - it comes tumbling down. They head out to the fields as the sun sets, hunting grapes with flashlights. Still in good spirits even though they have to know they’re screwed, Jeff snarks “What are we doing this for, to teach kids to stay in school?”
Finally spotting a marked bunch in the dark, they head off to the mat. “How pissed do you think Phil is?” asks Jeff with a grin. Not as pissed as he’ll be when he sees Steve’s Mercedes, I’m thinking.
Teams arrive to greet Phil on the mat, complete with a mime sidekick. Ugh.
1st - Louie and Michael, racking up the prizes and winning a trip to Cancun.
2nd - Carol and Brandy
3rd - Steve and Allie
4th - Jet and Cord
5th - Dan and Jordan
6th - Brent and Caite
Philiminated - Jeff and Jordan.
I hate to see them go, but they just couldn’t seem to get away from the back of the pack. Jeff waxes poetic about how he got paid in a way most people don’t, loving the experience, while Jordan pipes up that she “got to do fun stuff.” Jeff laughs at her non-profoundness, and the couple from Big Brother are officially out.
Next week: teams travel to the beautiful Seychelles Islands, while Brent and Caite continue the non-stop bitching. Gotta love the dating couple drama. Or, not.