It’s awfully early for teams to be making stupid mistakes, but here they are, making plenty of them tonight. Misreading clues, letting taxis take off when they should have made them stay, playing follow the leader, wrong turns – this isn’t the brightest bunch of Racers we’ve seen, for sure. It’s hard to blame it on fatigue when it’s only the second show. And speaking of dumb mistakes, have y’all heard about the Dallas scandal? Seems he took a few nudie pics of himself a while back and of course, they’ve made their way around the internet. All I have to say is, if the one I saw wasn’t tampered with, this race isn’t the only Amazing thing going on. Hellooo, Dallas!
Terry Gets a Boo-Boo
Yeah, so, back to the Race. *ahem* Last week’s first placers Nick and Starr get to leave first for the next stop of Fortaleza, Brazil, at the lovely hour of 4:07 am. Their cabbie speeds off like a NASCAR driver into the night, leading the nervous brother and sister duo to wonder if they should tell Dale Jr. to slow it down a bit. Terence and Sarah are still having it out over her *gasp* interaction with other teams. Terence still insists that she should only pay attention to him, and I insist that his hair looks even stupider than it did last week, if that’s at all possible. “Every time I talk to another team, he feels like I’m betraying him,” complains Sarah. To prove that karma is alive and well, Terence whacks his pointy little head on the cab’s trunk lid, causing him to wail long and loud about his profuse (and invisible) bleeding. He implores Sarah to blow on and hold a tissue over his non-existent wound as I fall from the couch, laughing.
In their on-their-way-to-the-airport confessionals, Stephanie talks of marriage yet again while Anthony admits winning the money would be nice, so he could “be a good provider.” Gee, I always thought a j-o-b was the best way to accomplish that. Silly me. To listen to them talk, these two must have gotten into some financial trouble at some point. One I’d prefer not to listen to is Sarah, who gets miffed over Ken and Tina walking by them without speaking. “They didn’t even say hi to us!” Sarah spits after offering a greeting to the ex-football player and his over-tweezed wifey. Somewhere, Terence is in his happy place after seeing Sarah get snubbed. He’s got her all to himself! Mark and Bill are glad they’re not saddled with all the personal relationship drama some of the other teams have. Amen, brothers!
Red Means Go
Everyone manages to get to the airport in one piece, including Aja and Ty, whose cabbie seemed to think stopping at red traffic lights was optional. Tina gets down to business at the airport, pushing the agent to get on the better flight. The counter decides to move that flight to a larger plane, and Tina thinks it’s all because of her. And oh man, does she hold that over the other team’s heads, acting like they should all bow down to her for getting the plane changed. All together now: Thank you, Tina! Now all teams are on the same flight, but many of them aren’t kissing Tina’s feet and thanking her profusely like she wants. Tina tells Ty that he “owes her.” He laughs. Terence isn’t buying that Tina alone got the plane swapped, and snottily says so as they all wait in line to board (Tina insists that she board first even though Sarah and Terence got there first, since she got the plane changed and all. Thank you, Tina!). Ken takes offense to Terence’s comments and lets it be known as he stands threateningly behind the twerpy Terence.
Unfortunately for me, Ken doesn’t turn it into a UFC-worthy smackdown and makes up with chicken-headed Terence. Boo. They hug and kiss and make nice - Terence actually blushes when Ken gives him a peck on the cheek - while Marisa and Brooke turn on the charm and give the ticket counter guy some “American” candy. Like that’s going to get them somewhere. It’s probably made in China and is loaded with melamine or some other tasty chemical goodness.
To make up for the lack of flight drama, most of the teams bumble around the airport at Fortaleza when they land, running right past domestic arrival. That’s what you get when you follow other teams, people!
Anthony and Stephanie manage to pick a junk cab, having to help push it to get it started. Except that the driver doesn’t know how to pop the clutch and get it going, so they have to bail and get another cab. “Everything is broken in this country!” bitches Anthony.
Terence and Sarah spot the clue box first, and read it to discover that they must take a dune buggy (aka a bugres in Brazil) ride on the beach to Barraca D Manuel and their next clue. He enjoys it way too much, comparing the raindrops as they ride to “God showering us with love and joy.” Methinks Terence hit his head a little too hard on that cab trunk earlier. Stephanie takes note of the run-down houses and poverty as they ride by, waxing poetic on how grateful they are to have what they do. Anthony snarks that a car repairman would get rich around there. Har har. Marisa and Brooke yoo-hoo at some dude on the beach as they cruise by in their dune buggy, and he returns the favor by dropping his drawers and flashing his Brazilian behind at them.
Next clue is a Detour: Beach It or Docket. Teams can choose to either roll a traditional Brazilian boat down 100 yards of beach to the water using heavy-ass logs, or they can hunt down a specific shipping container on a crowded dock using a serial number printed on their clue, searching a computer database to find the location.
Every team chooses Beach It except for Mark and Bill, who want no part of rolling the logs. Oh, and Marisa and Brooke wanted to do Docket also, but followed Nick and Starr right to the boats. They decide to do Beach It instead of backtracking. Duh-huh! Mark and Bill show that comics aren’t their only thing, quickly locating their container by using their mad computer skillz. They pick the next clue out of the container and take off in first place. A happy Bill quotes Yoda, saying “Do or do not. There is no try.”
Over on the beach, most of them are having trouble. Blondes Marisa and Brooke look like they’re about to have a stroke, panting and sweating as they struggle to move the logs. Aja and Ty snicker at the blonde’s red faces, with Aja snarking that their faces “don’t turn red.” Alrighty then. Kelly takes offense to Terence barking orders at Sarah as they work, comparing him to her controlling rat-bastard ex-hubby. Kelly and Christy also prove that they may be strong, but they can’t read very well, moving the boat down to the water fairly easily but stopping to dig in the sand for the “container” they thought they needed. Except, the container was for the Docket part of the Detour they didn’t choose to do. So, the other teams finish the task and leave the divorcees digging fruitlessly in the sand for a container that doesn’t exist. They finally figure it out, making fun of their own stupidity.
Speaking of stupidity, Terence leads Sarah off down the beach after completing the Detour in search of a taxi. Completely in the opposite direction of the nice little sign that clearly says “taxi parking.” They wander a local village in search of a taxi as Mark and Bill cruise by in first place. Then Ken and Tina ride by, and Terence starts freaking out as Tina yells at Ken for not stopping to help the wigged-out Terence. Terence actually asks Sarah if they should pop in a local store for some ice cream. Sarah’s not too hip on the idea, muttering that they’re “not sightseeing.” Toni and Dallas come by in their taxi and take pity, stopping to help the clueless couple by telling them where to go to get a cab. Terence calls them a class act and they head back to where they were supposed to go in the first place. See what happens when you interact with other teams, you doofus? Listen to your girlfriend for once.
The Writing is on the Wall....
Teams run into a Roadblock next, where they have to locate the name of the Pit Stop somewhere on a 600 foot wall covered in misleading advertisements. Bill, getting there first, gets it wrong on his first try. He then gets a bright idea and decides to write them all down and just run down the list to the clue-holder guy until he gets to the correct one. It works. Tina saw what Bill did and copies his strategy. She gets it right, celebrates, and takes off with Ken.
You’d think Kelly and Christy would have learned to read the clue after screwing up at the Detour, but noooo. They let their taxi go even though the clue clearly said to keep it waiting for them. They wander the street, looking for another taxi. Apparently the taxi fairy left them one, because it magically appears in the parking lot for them. Hmm.
Nick manages to piss a few people off at the Roadblock, first by telling Sarah that he’d work with her then promptly abandoning her for frat boy Andrew. Nick tells Andrew that he’ll take half the list to the clue guy and come back and tell him which one was the correct answer. But he doesn’t come back, he runs off, leaving Andrew hanging. Nice! “I don’t mind playing dirty as long as I’m the one who benefits from it,” smirks Nick. The blondes and Anthony get frustrated at the wall, not knowing what the words mean and not understanding that it doesn’t matter. Just write them down! Grr. The blondes finally get it (I still can’t tell them apart!) and tell us that “Girls from South Carolina aren’t stupid. We might be a little slow, but we’re not stupid.” As another girl from South Carolina, let me assure you that these two do not represent us all.
On the way to the Pit Stop at Cidade da Crianca, Mark and Bill’s taxi pulls up alongside Ken and Tina’s. The nerds jokingly (or not) holler to Ken to “let the fat boys have one!” Ken laughs that he can’t give up first place because he has to “keep momma happy.” Yeah, I’d hate to see that one pissed off. Those eyebrows alone are sharp enough to cut a guy.
Ken and Tina hit the mat first with the ever-jovial Mark and Bill right on their heels. The next three arrive in a group and sing kumbaya together (well, sort of), and the last three engage in a footrace to greet cutie Phil, hitting the mat in this order:
1st - Ken and Tina, each winning an off-road vehicle. One for her to run him down, and one for him to run away in.
2nd - Mark and Bill. Yoda would be proud.
3rd - Terence and Sarah. Words fail me.
4th - Aja and Ty. “Aw, hell” is Aja’s favorite phrase tonight.
5th - Toni and Dallas. Momma's little boy is all kinds of grown up.
6th - Nick and Starr. How the mighty have fallen.
7th - Kelly and Christy. Reading comprehension isn’t their strong suit.
8th - Andrew and Dan. That Dan’s a real sourpuss, isn’t he?
9th - Marisa and Brooke. They are the reason dumb blonde jokes exist.
Philiminated - Anthony and Stephanie.
So, Miss Marry Me and Mr. Broke-ass are out of here. Anthony declares that he’s just glad he has his health, his parents, his looks…oh, yeah, and Stephanie, too. I bet she’s glad she ranks so high on his list! I wouldn’t be expecting that ring anytime soon, girl. Steph is glad for the experience and thinks she and Anthony have a future together. Maybe she’s seeing something we’re not.
Next week: High altitudes have a bad effect on some racers, while Ken impresses Tina by whooping up on some guy in the wrestling ring. Silly outfit included! See you then, Race fans.
Will karma come back to whoop up on Nick? PM me.