!#$%*#*!! I could be watching the season premiere of "The Sopranos", learning lots of new, handy curse words, but here I am, recapping TAR for you. See how I sacrifice? And now that my profanity vocabulary will be lacking, I hope you're happy.
Last week we saw the Guidos bid us a not-so-fond farewell. Personally I won't miss them, but there are teams I would have rather seen kicked to the curb at this point. Like say, Charla & Mirna. Will this week be the week that I jump for joy? Read on and find out....
You Gotta Start Somewhere
Since teams Uchenna & Joyce and Oswald & Danny tied for first last week, they leave at the same time for this leg, at 9:48 PM. They rip open the clue - Fly to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. Teams must now travel more than 5,500 miles to the city of Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. They all head back to the hotel. Uchenna & Joyce use the concierge to try to make reservations, while Oswald & Danny try to book from the comfort of their hotel room. They get the same information, that a flight leaves at 7:00 AM to Frankfurt and arrives at Kuala Lumpur at 6:40 AM, but there's only one hour to make the connection in Frankfurt. Uchenna & Joyce decide to take the risk of not making the connection, and book the tickets. Oswald & Danny aren't feeling so great about it, and instead take a flight from Krakow to Paris, leaving at 8 AM, arriving in Kuala Lumpur at 7:25 AM. Danny declares it "cleaner and neater" and I'm with him, who wants a messy race?
Dustin & Kandice rip open their clue at 2:52 AM, a little over 5 hours after the front-runners. Charla & Mirna depart at 3:16 AM, and Eric & Danielle depart at 3:22 AM. They all have $131 for this leg of the race, if you care to know this rather useless detail.
The Information Superhighway Is Not For You
Eric & Danielle wander back to the hotel and want to use the internet to check on flights. However, there are only 2 computers, with one and a half people using them. What, you'd think I'd not make a lame short joke this early in the recap? Wrong! I go for the cheap shots! Okay okay, so Charla is on one and Mirna on the other, and Eric has the audacity to ask if they'd let him use one of computers. Mirna yells out "No way, begone demon, back to the hell from which you came!" and then Charla tackles him and throws some kidney punches since that's as far up as she can reach. Eric lays there in pain, and viewers the world over rejoice, since he's an ass. FINE, I am lying, but you have to admit that would have made for some great tv! What really happens is that Charla & Mirna refuse to share, and honestly, Eric would have refused if the situation was reversed. Eric & Danielle head for the ariport. Meanwhile, internet-hoggers Charla & Mirna manage to book something arriving in Kuala Lumpur at 4:45 AM. As much as I hate to give any credit to this team, that was a good move, doing their own research to secure a better flight. Darn it.
Have You Ever Seen A Grown Man Naked?
That's a quote from "Airplane!" and I have no idea why I'm quoting that, other than we're now in an airport, or maybe I'm daydreaming about naked men. Or both. Eric & Danielle meet up with Dustin & Kandice, and they are at the counter finding out about the same flight that Oswald & Danny got earlier, Krakow to Paris arriving in Kuala Lumpur at 7:25 AM. Mirna hears them and is thrilled that she and Charla have a good lead on them. She asks if the other teams mind if she asks the counter lady one question which will take ten seconds, but Eric tells her that he's rather that she wait since she wouldn't share the internet. Mirna agrees that he has a point. What I want to know is, since when did Mirna ask nicely to do anything? That's certainly new for her, maybe she got all of her meanness out on the last leg. Or pigs are flying.
First flight out has Charla & Mirna connecting through Warsaw and Vienna, second has Uchenna & Joyce connecting through Frankfurt, and the third has everyone else, connecting through Paris. Uchenna & Joyce's flight arrives ten minutes late in Frankfurt, and they're told it's too late to catch the connecting flight. Uchenna gets on the phone with an airline representative, and tells him "we have to get to Kuala Lumpur today, our life depends on it." Your life? Dude, your LIFE? Like, you've got to be in Kuala Lumpur for a heart transplant or something? A bit melodramatic there, oh bald one. They tell him a big fat NO, so obviously Uchenna is going to die. Or at least he'll be dead to us, as it's 15 minutes into this show, and he doesn't appear again until the last 7 minutes. Farewell, Uchenna & Joyce!
Somebody Doesn't Like Sara Lee
Does Sara Lee even make cookies? I don't know. They make a great cheesecake, if you're all lazy like me. And eat it straight out of the box, half-frozen. Yum. Look, this whole dessert theme is going to work itself into the show in a minute, just hang on.
Charla & Mirna arrive in Kuala Lumpur. Teams must now take a train and a bus to the Batu Caves, using their wits to figure out what's closest and fastest. Mirna is actually not getting on my nerves too much, until she starts running for the bus, and turns on that fake accent, as if the bus can even hear her anyway. "Okay bus, where you going? Stop stop stop stop stop!" Then she gets on the bus and asks "This one goes Batu Cave?" GAH how I hate her stupid fakey accent. She's an attorney, can't you just hear her in court "No your honor, my client, he no guilty! He not go bang bang bang. You let him free, yes?" (granted my ramblings are just imagining her as a defense attorney.) Oh yeah, okay, back to the race!
Flight 3 lands, and Dusin & Kandice quickly get on a train, while Oswald & Danny and Eric & Danielle are on a different train. Oswald uses this time to get directions to Batu Caves from a local, and get off at a central terminal, while Eric & Danielle stay on the train, thinking it will take them to a station closer to the caves.
Charla & Mirna get to the clue box at Batu Caves, and it's waaaay up like a zillion steps. They get the clue - travel by taxi to the Kampung Baru Mosque, caution, YIELD ahead. They say that they won't use the yield, that they want to win the race by playing it clean and by their own efforts, not by holding anyone back. I wonder if they'd say that if they didn't have that cushion of time that their earlier flight gave them. They arrive at Kampung Baru Mosque, and are to search the street for the clue box. Charla spots in on an above-street walkway. Many more steps, poor Charla's teeny weeny legs are really getting a workout this leg of the race. As they said, they don't use the yield, and go right for the clue, which is a detour - Artistic Expression or Cookie Confection. In Artistic Expression, teams make their way on foot 1/3 of a mile to someplace I didn't catch the name of. Once there they must do batik, duplicating a pattern onto a 45 square foot piece of cloth, and then dyeing it. In Cookie Confection, teams make their way on foot 1/2 a mile to Chow Kit Market and find a marked stall. Once there they must choose a table and search through 600 boxes of cookies to find the one cookie that has a black licorice center. Eww, licorice. When you send me your leftover jellybeans, don't send me licorice. Mirna looooves licorice, so they pick the cookie detour. Just once on this race, I'd like an episode where stuff isn't hanging off the corners of Charla's mouth. Two puking episodes in a row, and now this. They're biting cookies, and spitting them out, and it's overall very gross.
Oswald & Danny are next to the Batu Caves clue, and then Dustin & Kandice. A monkey is giving Dustin & Kandice the evil eye and it kind of freaks them out. They discuss who they might yield if they're not yielded themselves, and Kandice decides that Eric & Danielle are a good yield target, and gleefully says "They're going to hate us forever!" They get to the yield before Oswald & Danny, and follow through with their yielding of Eric & Danielle. They then ask a local, who is carrying a child about 3, for directions to the Artistic Expression detour. He jogs along with them, carrying the child, and the kid bounces around like this is an everyday occurance.
Oswald & Danny get their detour, and Danny thinks that Cookie Confection will be faster. Oswald doesn't agree, but goes along. Charla & Mirna give up on the cookies and leave for Artistic Expression right before Oswald & Danny get to Chow Kit. Danny thinks you just have to bite into one cookie of each box until you find the licorice one, but Oswald reads him the clue and it says "every cookie". Danny still says it's just one cookie per box, and says "if you want to go to the other place, let's just go!" Which of course Oswald gladly jumps at, since he didn't want to do this in the first place. Danny stops and again says that you only have to bite into one cookie per box, which isn't what that clue says at all.
Yo Ho Ho
Meanwhile, Eric & Danielle arrive at the yield to find out that they have indeed been yieled by Dustin & Kandice. Eric refers to them as "dirty, dirty hookers" and "dirty pirate hookers." I have no idea what a dirty pirate hooker is, but if Johnny Depp as Captain Jack is one, I'm all for it.
And now, now I would like to point out something I just noticed. When Charla & Mirna quit the cookie detour they got in a taxi to go to the other detour. The clue clearly stated that they are to make their way on foot. Shouldn't they be penalized for this? They get to the artistic detour and Mirna tells Charla "please let me do this, your arms aren't going to reach." She leaves out the part about "and later on I'll throw it in your face again that I do everything!"
Dustin & Kandice finish their detour and get the next clue - travel to the neighborhood of Taman Sri Hartamas. Teams must travel 6 miles by taxi to the neighborhood of Taman Sri Hartamas, and locate a newspaper truck where they'll find their next clue.
Oswald & Danny have bickered their way back to the cookies, to try again. Danny offers again to leave, but Oswald says he wants to do this detour for him. Danny finally says that they don't see eye to eye on what the instructions are, so that they should just go to the other detour. Oswald says okay, and I'm sure in his head he must be thinking "I said that a half-hour ago.".
Eric & Danielle are finished with their 30 minute yield delay, and are happy to see Oswald & Danny walking down the street. Eric & Danielle grab a taxi. Again, it was supposed to be "by foot", and they should also be penalized. Cheaters!
Dustin & Kandice are now at Taman Sri Hartamas, and open the next clue, which is a roadblock - one team member must choose a bicycle with a side car attached, and scour the neighborhood for residents willing to sell them their used newspapers for recycling. Once they have enough to make a stack 8 hands high, they get their next clue. When riding around they can yell out "surat khabar lama" which supposively means "old newspapers" but for all I know could mean "I'm a dirty pirate hooker." Kandice is doing the roadblock for her team. Kandice encounters some guy who tells her she shouldn't have any problem getting newspapers for free, considering how she looks.
Over at the Artistic detour, Oswald & Danny have the judge check their work before they proceed with dyeing the fabric. They have 16 designs per line instead of 15, and have to start all over. Miraculously, Mirna is allowing Charla to assist in the dyeing of their fabric. What on earth has gotten into her? They finish and get their clue. Oswald & Danny finish a bit later, get their clue, and have a problem getting a taxi to stop for them. Once they do, Oswald says they're emotionally drained, but Danny says he's not. Oswald says "so we love each other now?" but Danny says "let's not go there, let me have my space!" Danny is a feisty one today, especially for someone who can't understand a clue.
Eric & Danielle are still biting into the cookies, and Danielle finds the licorice one. They grab their clue and a taxi. Charla & Mirna arrive to the roadblock, where once again Mirna is doing the task. Why? Because Charla's feet won't reach the pedals? Why don't they have a mini-bicycle, like they had mini-armor for her, so they at least have the option? Right as they are beginning, Kandice has finished, and they open the last clue - travel by taxi to the next pit stop. Teams must travel 6 miles to a mansion, Carcosa Seri Negara, the pitstop for this leg of the race.
More teams arrive at the roadblock, and Danielle will be riding for her team, while Oswald has asked Danny to ride for their team. Danielle is has no problem getting people to give her newspapers, and neither does Mirna. Apparently blonde hair goes a long way in the Malaysian recycling program. Mirna gets a bunch of kids to help her push the bike, and says they are the future Charlas and Mirnas of the world. Gee, Mirna, they are helping you and you're going to curse them like that? She tells them to stay out of drugs, go to school and be a professional. She doesn't elaborate on a professional what so that leaves a lot of room for interpretation. Charla & Mirna get the next clue.
Danny, not of the blonde hair, is having a time of the roadblock. He dumps off what he has so far, and Oswald says "see why I wanted my big strong boy to do this?" but Danny tells him to be quiet, and that he's hating him right now. Danny doesn't have enough papers, so he's back at it, chanting "Haaating you." He gets to a house where he gets some papers, and asks for a glass of water. Then he stops a real paper-recycling bike in the street and asks to purchase the papers they have. He's refused, and then even looks in a trash bin. He then makes his way to a store, and buys their new newspapers. The clue said to buy used newspapers from residents, so I was worried if this move might give them a penalty, but maybe the store owner is a resident? And those papers weren't used, so I don't know. He did buy them, and the clue mentioned buying newspapers.
Danielle manages to wreck her bike, but gets a local to help her push it back to where she needs to be. She says that every challenge that is designed for a guy she ends up doing, while Eric does all of the easy challenges. He agrees. She finished the roadblock before Danny. Once Danny finishes, and he and Oswald are in the taxi, Oswald finds out that Danny was not having water, he was having lemonade. Oswald declares them "so even" and then tells him that whatever happens, he's so proud of him.
Teams have long since hit the mat, in this order...
1st - Dustin & Kandice, winning retro scooters. Phil looks very thrilled that they're first, and gives them the elusive Phil double-eyebrow move. I'm jealous.
2nd - Charla & Mirna, who barely get a single Phil eyebrow move. Suckers!
3rd - Eric & Danielle, who get no eyebrow moves.
4th - Oswald & Danny, and Phil switches it up and tells them that they're not the first team to arrive, and then tells them their status. So, new Phil move. Ooooh.
But wait, who's last? Uchenna & Joyce, who are like, in a whole other country when all of this is going down. They finally get to Kuala Lumpur, and arrive at Batu Caves when it's dark. They get an extra-special clue "travel by taxi to the next pitstop". This guarantees that they are goners, as it skips the detour and roadblock. So what, they already won a million, they won't be missed. They go to the pitstop, Phil smacks them down, and Uchenna says it was worth it.
So there you go, we're down to four teams. FOUR! Hard to believe, it's winding down. Join Waywyrd for what looks like a very exciting episode next week! See you there!
I'll pay $50 for the services of a dirty MALE pirate hooker who looks like Johnny Depp. If you know of one, PM me here.