All-Stars. What comes to your mind when you think of all-stars? The best of the best? As we've seen from previous all-star shows like Big Brother or Survivor, CBS has a whole other standard for all-stars. It's obvious that they take a list of names, throw them in a hat, and there's your all-stars. As you can see I haven't come to terms with the teams chosen for this season. What, what's that I hear? "Just shut up, Suncat, and write the recap!" Okay okay. I will. Pushy!
Previously on the Amazing Race: Jill and John Vito were last. The end. You want more detail, Waywyrd wrote a fantastic recap, check it out!
We join the teams in Ecuador, where Drew is being given oxygen for his altitude sickness. Last episode he fell down and wiggled around on the ground for awhile. Now this. THIS is one of your all-stars, people. Oh yes, I'm being all uncaring and mean, this stuff could happen to any racer, right? Well he's on my nerves. And I get mean when someone is on my nerves.
Rob & Amber came in first last time, so they get to leave first, at 7:42 AM. The clue says "Fly to Santiago, Chile". Teams must fly over 2400 miles Santiago, Chile. When they land, they must travel 12 miles by taxi to the corporate headquarters of Codelco, the largest copper mining company in the world. Rob wants the other teams to be preoccupied with them. Hey, it worked the last time. They go hop into their vehicle and take off down a very rough road. Oswald & Danny leave next, at 7:53 AM. I love them. Give them the million now. Teri & Ian leave at 8:17 AM. Eric & Danielle at 8:24 AM. Joe & Bill at 8:25 AM, and let me say, I always thought gay men were supposed to have style of some sort. Isn't that the stereotype? Joe & Bill are definitely proving it wrong as they are wearing horrible puke-green jackets and matching hats. It gets even better when they remove the jackets to reveal orange shirts underneath, now looking like pumpkins. Gay pumpkins. Oh come on, I am not being politically incorrect. Or maybe I am. But they have to mention they're gay about every second they have screentime. We get it. You two are together. Move along. Dustin & Kandice are next to depart at 8:25 AM. I've been asked before how can one tell Dustin & Kandice apart. Well Kandice is taller and has horse teeth. Uchenna & Joyce leave at 8:35 AM. Charla & Mirna leave at 8:50 AM, David & Mary at 8:51 AM. Mary says she loves Charla & Mirna. Mary loves just about everyone. Charla & Mirna immediately get their car stuck in a mudhole deeper than Charla is tall, but it's okay. David & Mary like them so much that they stop and pull them out. Because that's the kind of people they are. Kevin & Drew leave last, at 9:44 AM. Drew promptly slips and almost falls down. Because he's a big goon. Then Drew bitches about Kevin hitting his shoulder, because that's the shoulder that hurts. In confessional Kevin says that it gets frustrating, but what's his alternative, to not do this? I'd say to whine to the producers to let you pick a new racing partner, like Eric did. Because Kevin? You are getting screwed by your lousy partner. Drew then manages to land the car into one of those gaping holes in the road, so Kevin puts the towing straps around himself to help get it out. Mind you, Drew is bigger, and possibly stronger, but would HE get out? Heck no, he's too fragile. So they get the vehicle out of the mud, but Drew keeps driving even though Kevin is still attached to the straps AND the car. Sheesh. If you haven't figured it out yet, I hate Drew.
Rob & Amber are at the airport, arranging their flight to Santiago, Chile. They find one to Guayaquil, then Guayaquil to Lima, Lima to Santiago, arriving at 1:50 AM. They book it, and Danny & Oswald get the same flight. Eric & Danielle show up and book a flight arriving at 2:30 AM. The rest of the teams get the same 2:30 AM flight. Mirna gets the ticket person to see if Rob is on the flight, proving that Rob's "preoccupied" theory is already working. When they board their flight, David puts his and Mary's bags in the first class storage. Drew has a hissy-fit about it, and yanks them out, declaring that your bags should go where you sit. I don't know the rules on it, or why David thinks it's such a great idea, but I sure don't think it's Drew's place to be a big whiny-ass about things. Is it hurting him? Nooo. Can Drew put his bags in first class if he wants? Yesss. So shut it, you big baby. Rob & Amber and Danny & Oswald arrive in Guayaquil, only to find that their flight to Lima is delayed. ruining their half-hour lead on the other teams. Instead they get on a flight which will put them 15 minutes behind the other teams. The non-delayed teams land, and everyone rushes to Codelco for the next clue. Uchenna & Joyce are first to reach the Roadblock. For this roadblock, they must decide which team member has an eye for detail. That person must go to the boardroom on the ground floor then figure out that the details they need are letters that are placed randomly on pens, clothing, etc. The letters will spell out the name of one of the destinations inscribed on the plaques hanging on the wall. When they think they have the right answer, they are to show it to the security guard to receive their next clue.
Joyce and Eric are the detail people for their respective teams. Other teams begin to arrive, and Dustin, Bill and Kevin go into the boardroom. Both Eric and Joyce go to the guard with answers, and they're both wrong. Dustin wanders over to one of the plaques, and realizes that the answer is right in front of her, "Chuquicamata". She goes out and gets the next clue. Teams must fly to the city Calama, then go to Chuquicamata, the world's largest open pit copper mine, to find the next clue. Dustin hopes that no one saw her looking at the plaque, as she and Kandice race off to the airport. Eric wanders over to the plaque, but decides that can't be right, as he doesn't have an "H" on his paper. He's missed it, as it's on some guy's pen. Bill goes by the plaque, catches on, and presents the guard with the right answer. Teri & Ian arrive, and Ian decides that his superior detective skills will help them out. Charla is going in for her team, but I don't know how she's going to see up to the plaques or over the boardroom table for that matter. Mary follows her in. Mary has a different plan that everyone else, and writes down all the names from the plaques. The last two teams finally arrive, sending Amber and Oswald in to do the roadblock. Mary, being all nice and everything, goes and gets Charla and points out some "Q's" on some guy's paper. She then directs her over to the plaques, and gives Charla the answer. Mary runs out to try it, with Kevin on her heels. Kevin eavesdrops and gets the answer. He and Charla both go and get the next clue. Amber tells Oswald about the elusive "H" on a pen, and they both go over to the Chuquicamata plaque. Eric wanders over and says "but there's no 'h' right?" and Amber tells him that there is, in fact, an "h". Why on earth Eric didn't at least go try the answer on the plaque when he first considered it is beyond me. Amber and Oswald decide to go try it, and Eric begins to follow them, asking "what is it? what is it?" then calls them bastards. Nice! He then decides to try it, finally. Uchenna is having a meltdown because Joyce was one of the first two in, and she's still not out. But wait! She goes to the plaque, decides to give it a try, and tells Ian, who is the last person in there, that if it's right she'll tell him how to spell it. I thought this was a RACE, not a help-everyone-else-out tour.
All teams get on the same flight to Calama, then it's a taxi race to get to the mine. Once there they have to put on safety gear, then get the clue for the Detour. They can choose "by hand" or "by machine". In "by hand", teams must properly align and secure bolts and washers on a two-ton truck tire. Once the work has been okayed by a foreman, they get the next clue. In "by machine" each team member must take a turn driving a front-loader to transfer gravel. Once they've transferred enough to cover a line on a stick, they'll get the next clue. All teams except Joe & Bill and Rob & Amber choose "by hand". Kevin & Drew consider the "by machine" but then don't do it because they can't drive a stick shift. Seriously, HOW many millions of years ago was their season? Wouldn't they know by now "do not go on TAR if you can't drive a stick-shift". I think that rule should be in the application by this point. Rob has plenty of experience with front-loaders, having worked for some time in construction, and he gives Amber a quick lesson. Mirna goes off on Charla because Charla needs a step-stool to reach all the bolts on the tire. Way to be supportive of your miniature cousin, Mirna! Mary is just half-slapping the bolts on, and David falls on his rear. People are screaming and it's general mayhem.
Rob & Amber quickly finish with the front-loader and get the clue, Drive yourselves to the valley of the moon. Teams must choose one of the marked vehicles and drive 71 miles to enter the landscape called the valley of the moon. Due to shifting sands and sharp turns, teams cannot drive more than 40 kilometers per hour. Once they leave the valley of the moon, they can return to driving 50 kilometers per hour as they search for the valley of the dead, which is the pitstop. Oswald & Danny finish with the tire and they're on their way, with Uchenna & Joyce close behind. Eric & Danielle finish next. Joe & Bill think they're done, but Bill didn't read the clue all the way, and only one of them drove the front-loader. Kevin asks Drew if any of their bolts look like they're out of the groove, and Drew answers "I don't know, I'm taking my medicine." Useless punk. What's he even doing on this show? I feel bad for Kevin. In a brief, bizzare flash, I see Mirna on Charla's shoulders. Mirna, you yell at your cousin for wanting a step-stool, then you use HER as a step-stool? Unreal. Joe & Bill finish, as do Teri & Ian. Somehow Teri & Ian don't see the marked vehicles that everyone else sees, and have a taxi drive them around to the front gate looking for them. Ian's attention to detail just gets better and better, huh? Kevin & Drew leave, then Charla & Mirna. Finishing at the end of the pack are Dustin & Kandice, then David & Mary.
Valley of the Moon, Valley of the Dead
Charla & Mirna have paid a taxi to lead them to the valley of the moon. Dustin & Kandice are following them, and this pisses Mirna off. The taxi pulls over, so both of these teams do as well. Dustin prances up and says "Mirna, if he tells you how to get there, we'll listen and get there together." Mirna asks if she's willing to split the fees she's paying the cabbie. Then she tells them to just go, and she and Charla will hang out there with the taxi driver for a while. Dustin pushes for the driver to draw a map for her, but Mirna refuses to let him. Dustin & Kandice leave, and Teri & Ian pass Mirna & Charla, freaking Mirna out. She screams "just give him whatever he wants!" She then shoves her fannypack at him, screaming for him to just take it. He won't, and she screams at him "what do you want from me" then shoves a twenty at him, screaming "God help you!" What a freak. And weirdly enough, she screamed in an accent the whole time. Charla goes on about how beauty is only skin deep, but to have a pure heart and morals isn't easy to make up. Screaming at complete strangers is "having morals"? I hope they're out of this race soon. As they're getting into the truck, David & Mary zoom past them. Ha!
Rob & Amber and Oswald & Danny arrive to the valley of the moon. Oswald is so overcome by the sheer beauty of it, that he starts crying. Hee. He's sweet. Other teams arrive and enter, but when Kevin & Drew arrive, they stop for lengthy directions, holding up four teams behind them. At the end of the valley of the moon, there is some confusion on which way to turn, but for Kevin & Drew, there's even more confusion, and they think you have to remain at 40 kilometers. Kevin instructs Drew to drive in the middle of the road and not let anyone pass. This doesn't work and everyone passes him. The last 5 teams all turn the wrong way, and have to backtrack. The arrive like this:
1. Rob & Amber, winning a pair of motorcycles.
2. Oswald & Danny
3. Joe & Bill
4. Eric & Danielle
5. Uchenna & Joyce
6. Dustin & Kandice
7. Teri & Ian
8. Charla & Mirna
9. David & Mary
Who does that leave to be eliminated? That's right, it's Kevin and his big baby of a partner, Drew. Drew won't even run to the mat, he just casually saunters up to it. Phil says "Kevin & Drew, you are the last team to arrive" and Drew just walk off the mat. Phil asks him to stay, and Kevin tells him to be a good sport. So Drew gets back on the mat, and Phil finishes "I am sorry to say that you've been eliminated from the race." Then Drew walks away again. He looks back and says "Let me put my hat on" and grabs a bandana to wrap around his thick skull and returns to the mat once more. He then says that he can't breathe, his back hurts, his feet hurt from driving, and his voice is going. Whine whine whine. I'm glad you're gone, Drew. I hope Kevin punched you in the gut once the cameras quit rolling.
Join us next week for Waywyrd's stellar recap, in which we will learn that Danielle hates fish. See you there!
Did you know I hate Drew? contact firstname.lastname@example.org