Long time no see, Race fans! Only SEVEN teams remain in this riveting race! Who will be eliminated next? The plucky-and-friendly Kentucky team? The missing-a-few brain cells former drug addicts? The what-are-we doing here Alabama moms? Better question, will someone finally kill Peter, or at least slug him a good one? We can hope! Let's go!
Clue 1 - Fly to Chennai, India. Teams must fly more than 3,000 miles to the city of Chennai, India. First they have to travel by train to Hanoi. Due to Vietnamese regulations, tickets can't be purchased at an airline counter, so it's best to get them at a travel agency.
Rob of the pointy hair and loud mouth, plus his partner Kimberly, leave at 1:27 AM. In an interview segment Rob says that they need to chill out. Really, Rob? And when did you decide this? After you'd popped your fifth blood vessel from screaming in this race?
One-legged Sarah and Peter of the serial killers leave next at 2:17 am. In interview, Sarah says she doesn't hold Peter on a pedestal anymore, that's it been a different feeling. Perhaps she has realized he has every characteristic of a sociopath and fears that he may gut her during her sleep?
Former dopers Tyler and James leave at 2:21 am. Tyler (or James, I can't tell them apart) says that one of the hardest parts about the race is being powerless over what happens, and compares that to their having been powerless back when they were perpetually wasted. Tyler/James says that it gives them an edge. Okay, dude, whatever. They go to tell their taxi driver to take them to the train, and accompany this with little train sounds and drawing pictures of a train. I think these two are making up for their lost childhoods.
Erwin and Godwin of the rockin' shirts with Phil's face on them, are 4th to leave at 2:28 am. They say they're in it for the experience, and if they were in it for the money they'd be lying, cheating and stealing. Or, in other words, they'd be Peter.
5th out of the gate at 2:49 AM is the Southern-fried goodness that is David and Mary. In interview, David says he wants to win so he can quit working in the coal mines. I have to say, I've never heard a more worthy race reason than that. Coal mines suck.
Single moms Lyn and Karlyn leave at 2:53 AM. They say they're sick of looking at each other. That's some Amazing Race honesty for you.
Bringing up the rear, leaving a full hour after the other teams, are Dustin and Kandice at 3:46 AM. They worry they haven't been agressive enough, and are hoping for an equalizer at the train station.
The prayers of beauty queens are always answered
All the teams are bunched up at the train station in Hai Phong, which opens at 5 AM. All aboard! Tyler (I know it's him because he says "James and I") says they just saw guys shooting dope on the side of the train tracks. To their credit, they didn't scream for the train to stop so they could go join in. Peter is just riding along on the train, as happy as if he's just made a fresh kill, and suddenly he gets the urge to whizz. Except, really he skips off to the beauty queens and tells them about the alliance between teams Kentucky, Alabama and the Cho Brothers. He tells them "we'll show you our map, and you remember us down the road." Kandice wonders why Peter would do such a thing, and Dustin says "because he liiiikes you". Eeek! He'd like to carve you up into little pieces and store you in his refrigerator, too, don't forget!
Peter then saunters by team Alabama and repeats something he said earlier "I'm telling you, I'll tell you where the closest travel agency is." Lyn (or Karlyn?) shoots back "Tell me and quit telling me you're gonna tell me. You tell me you're gonna tell me but you just keep walking off." Then as he walks off she says "I'm not gonna beg you for nothing because I don't need you for anything. Don't keep playing me to be stupid, I'm not stupid." How many of my readers wish she'd just hop up and bitch slap him? All four of you? YAY!
Erwin and Godwin, who I am temporarily renaming "Team Dumbass" pull out a fake phone and start to loudly make pretend ticket reservations. They think it's hilarious when Peter hears and runs off in search of a phone, Except, Peter Peter the undead eater actually locates a real phone, and makes ticket reservations for his team and the beauty queens. Which brings me back to Team Dumbass, Erwin and Godwin. Exactly how much stuff can you take with you on the race? Does any of it get screened anywhere? They've had fake phones and squirt guns. Did they waste some of their race money along the way on this crap?
The Mad Scramble
Everyone is off the train and scurrying for taxis to take them to various travel agents. Dustin and Kandice show up at one and beg the agent to help them before they help Sarah and Peter (who aren't there yet) and they order up two tickets. I'm sure that the travel agent is saying "who the heck Sarah and Peter?" Right then, sanctimonious ass Peter shows up with Sarah, and right away says "Don't screw us" which I read to actually be, "don't screw us, or I'll chop off your head and carry it around in my backpack."
Peter & Sarah, the beauty queens, Teams Alabama and Kentucky all get tickets arriving in Chennai at 12 noon the next day. Rob (who has been surprisingly quiet this leg) & Kimberly, Tyler & James and the Cho Brothers get tickets arriving in Chennai at 9:20 AM the next day. Once everyone gets to the airport, the Chos tell Kentucky and Alabama that they have an earlier flight. Teams Kentucky & Alabama run around until they find the closed office of the flight they need, but the guy in there can only confirm them seats to Delhi, but not all the way to Chennai. They decide to take the risk.
Meanwhile, Peter & Sarah and the beauty queens are having a bite to eat, where Peter launches into a mean-spirited imitation of Team Kentucky. He is SUCH an ass. Then Team Dumbass (the Cho Brothers!) arrive to share the unnecessary information that Kentucky and Alabama have switched flights and don't have confirmed tickets for the whole trip. I can't see a reason on this earth why the Chos would bother sharing that, other than the fact they're stupid.
Tyler & James and Rob & Kimberly take off on the first flight. The second flight has Teams Kentucky, Alabama and the Chos. Pulling up the rear on the third flight are Peter & Sarah and Dustin & Kandice. When they stop to change flights in Delhi, team beauty queens and Peter & Sarah all manage to get an earlier flight into Chennai, arriving at 7:50 am. They do this separately, as Dustin & Kandice are trying to ditch Peter & Sarah. Peter's yelling over at them "what did you get?" and they're saying they're not sure yet, but he marches over and reads their tickets right over their shoulders. Teams Kentucky and Alabama are trying to get seats to Chennai, but get put on a waiting list. Lyn & Karlyn get their tickets, but David & Mary don't. Finally they get tickets on a later flight, landing at 10 AM.
Once everyone lands, they are to take a bus to Mamallapuram, then find Valluvar Arts & Crafts where they'll get their next clue. Dustin & Kandice hop in a cab first, followed closely by Peter & Sarah. As their cabs are side by side, Team beauty queen's driver starts to tell something to Peter & Sarah's driver, but Dustin slaps her hand over the driver's mouth so he can't. Didn't you know that's a good way to get your fingers bitten off, missy? Both of these teams get to the bus station quickly. All the other teams are now getting in taxis trying to find the bus station. Dustin & Kandice arrive at Valluvar Arts & Crafts only to find it closed for another 1/2 hour. This gives Peter & Sarah plenty of time to catch up with them. They get the detour at the same time.
Detour Wild Things or Wild Rice - In Wild Things, teams make their way nine miles to a crocodile bank and find pit 16, where they must help two wranglers secure one large marsh crocodile and transport it to a new pit. In Wild Rice, teams have to make their way 200 yards to the Sthala Sayana Perumal Temple, where they must choose an outline of a traditional design. Then using a picture as reference, they must gather specially colored powder made from rice and fill the design so it matches the picture.
Peter & Sarah and Dustin & Kandice all choose Wild Things. David & Mary are in a taxi still trying to find the bus station, and Tyler & James are standing at a bus stop looking completely lost, but finally grab a bus. Dustin & Kandice are first heading the 9 miles to the crocodile bank. (hee, crocodile bank. That sounds funny. Like, "I'd like to deposit two crocodiles today, please. What? There's been an unauthorized withdrawal of my crocodiles? What kind of crocodile bank is this? I demand to speak to the branch manager!" Oh okay, nevermind. I'm just trying to have some FUN with this recap, people!) Peter has been worshipping the devil, as the beauty queens get a flat tire and he and Sarah happily zoom right past them. How can anyone compete with a man that's worshipping beezlebub? Pure evil, Peter is! Why am I typing like Yoda?
Evil Peter and Sarah arrive at the crocodile bank, and Peter is calling Sarah to "c'mon, c'mon" like someone might call their DOG. MAN I detest Peter. Of course once I see the toothy smiles of the crocodiles I envision one of them having a nice meal of self-righteous Peter, but the crocs are all "are you CRAZY Suncat? We don't eat EVIL! It's garbage in, garbage out, and we think more of our little crocodile bodies than to partake in that foulness!" Let's not stop and think about why the tv crocodiles are talking to me, okay? Teams have to put giant rubber bands around the croc's mouth, then help carry the croc on a stretcher-like thing to the new pit, then let it loose. Peter & Sarah make quick work of it, and as Sarah is trying to get over the wall in the new pit, Peter is all "c'mon sister!" This is not the first time I've heard him call her "sister" in this race, and it skeeves me out to no end. What kind of guy in a romantic relationship calls his partner "sister"? Unless of course, it's incestuous, and that's just wrong. They finish and get the next clue first.
Clue! Travel by bus to Chennai. Teams must now travel 40 miles by bus back to Chennai, where they have to find the Karthik Driving School, where they'll find their next clue.
Peter takes off running, yelling after Sarah to "c'mon, let's run a little bit, I just need you to make the bus.". She's trying hard to keep up, but they miss a bus. They sit down to wait for the next one, and Sarah says "I can't go faster!" to which creepy Peter says "Sarah, I'm not asking you to go faster." She grows a bit of a spine and says "yeah you are, because I can't keep up with you" and HE has the nerve to say "get it together Sarah, come on!" I wish Sarah would unscrew that hydraulic knee and beat the hell out of Peter with it. He then tells her "I'll completely downshift and quit being agressive with this race" and that "there's no in between for me". Nope, it's just asshat or bigger asshat. Sarah tells him that maybe he needs to work on that, but Peter Wayne Gacy says that he likes the way he is and the way he deals with things. Sarah complains that they're a team and it's not just all about him, and that she's not really having fun with him. I think Sarah is going to end up on the national news as a missing person if she's not careful. Run away from the pyschopath, Sarah!
Dustin & Kandice finish their crocodile transport, after having admired the crocodile's smiles. "Look Kandice, they smile like that ALL the time and don't even have to vaseline their teeth!" (sorry, a bit of pageant humor there.) They catch up to Peter and Sarah and wait for the bus.
Lyn & Karlyn and the Cho brothers get their detours, and decide to go look at the Wild Rice detour. They have to remove their shoes and socks to enter the temple. Both teams begin the task, but are complaining about how long it's going to take. They change their minds fairly quickly, and go to do Wild Things instead. Meanwhile, Rob & Kimberly pick Wild Things, and head to the smiling jaws of death before them. they whip through it, and find out that the bus leaving the crocodile bank leaves every 1/2 hour. They see Team Alabama and the Chos heading into the task, and realize they may get a 30 minute lead on them. Luck's not with them today, as the other two teams finish and catch the bus with them.
Tyler & James hit the Valluvar Arts & Crafts and for some insanely crazy reason, choose the Wild Rice task. You'd think those guys would be the FIRST ones raring to wrestle a crocodile, but they don't want to travel the 9 miles to do so. They wander over to Wild Rice and are like "Dude, these designs are crazy-wild! Remember that time we dropped the 'shrooms under that bridge and I was licking a lizard? This totally reminds me of his skin!" So they decide to stay and play in psychadelic powder. Let's look for tell-tale residue if either of them try to sniff it!
David & Mary (whoa, I almost forgot about them) make their way to the detour clue, and David tells Mary to pick. She chooses Wild Rice. When they get to the temple, they put on some outfits, but Tyler & James aren't wearing those outfits and rush to put some on as well. Mary is yelling at David for making a mess.
Peter & Sarah are the first to find the driving school and open up the Roadblock - Who is the driving force behind this team? In this roadblock, one team member must go through the proper process of obtaining an Indian driver's license. They'll sit through a driver's education class then navigate their way through India's frenzied and confusing streets to pass a driving test, all while driving on the left side of the road. Once they pass, they'll receive their Indian driver's license and their next clue.
Naturally Peter is going to do this one, whether because he considers himself the driving force or because Sarah doesn't have time to put on her driving foot, I don't know. Peter is a perfect crazy driver and they get their next Clue - They must drive ten miles with their driving instructor to Chettinad House, the pitstop for this leg of the race.
This is where the editing of the show goes into fast forward, and is moving so fast it's making my head hurt. The "driving force" for each team is Dustin, Rob, Lyn, and Erwin. Back at the temple, Tyler & James finally finish up and rush off to the driving school. Tyler is taking the driving test for them. David & Mary finally finish their design and once at the driving school, David takes the test. The streets of Chennai are crazy, I have no idea how people actually drive like that. Before we know it, teams are finished and hitting the pit stop mat. They finish:
1 - Peter & Sarah - each winning a home gym system, which comes complete with an elliptical trainer and a standing airbike.
2 - Dustin & Kandice
3 - Rob & Kimberly
4 - Erwin & Godwin
5 - Lyn & Karlyn
6 - Tyler & James
7 - David & Mary - the last team to arrive.
Hold on people, this is a non-elimination leg! David & Mary are still in it! But what's this, a new twist? Unlike in past races, they get to hold onto all of their belongings and money. However, they are "marked for elimination". This means that unless they come in first in the next leg, they'll automatically incur a 30 minute penalty, during which time other teams could be checking in and cause them to be eliminated. Well, I didn't see that one coming! Tune in next week for Waywyrd's lovely recap, and we'll see how this whole 30 minute penalty twist works out. Until then, if you have tips for dealing with potential serial killers, forward them to me. I'm compiling a help kit for Sarah.