I have a feeling that anyone who watched this weeks Amazing Race will have no problem figuring out whom the quote is about in the title. I credit the title to my thirteen year old (Thirteen today!). On the whole I really don’t like watching reality shows where there are big jerks. I want to see what I consider to be “real” people. The thing is, I am lucky enough in my life to be surrounded by “real” people who just aren’t jerks. Even at 37 I am still amazed to learn that some people really are 100% Grade A Ass. I have to admit though, that even if I don’t usually like watching these folks on TV, this was one hell of an exciting episode. Unfortunately I don’t think my recap will capture the excitement. Every time I try to think of how to put in writing Colin’s escapades, all I can think of to write is that he’s an ass. That’s not exciting, or good writing. It is accurate though. My apologies in advance.
So, on to the recap:
Contestants will leave the Pit Stop and travel by taxi 100 miles to Kilimanjaro Airport. Once there they need to sign up for one of three charter flights to Kenya. The flights leave at one hour intervals, so getting an early one could be very beneficial. Once in Kenya, teams must travel 3,000 miles to Dubai on the Persian Gulf and find a hotel. I would happily jot down the name of the hotel, but it was only ever spoken. The producers decided that they didn’t need to subtitle it, or show the front of the building. It’s something like Berjala Raj Hotel. At the hotel they must take the glass elevator to the heliport jutting out of the roof to get the next clue. That clue sends them to the Port of Dubai where players must take a water taxi to another little dock thing and find a certain Dhow Boat where the captain will hand them the next set of instructions. This turns out to be the Detour. Off Plane or Off Road. Teams choosing Off Plane will parachute in tandem with a professional sky diver landing in the desert by the next clue. This will be both exciting and fast, but planes depart every 45 minutes, so if you are not first, there will be a wait. Teams that decide upon Off Road will have to drive a four wheel drive SUV on a marked path through the sand. They will arrive at the same location as the skydivers. After completing the Detour teams receive a clue telling them to hop on a camel and direct the camel wrangler to the Pit Stop using a GPS system. They will arrive at a desert Oasis to find Phil waiting.
And away we go:
Chip and Kim 2:42 am
The married couple leave the Pit Stop after receiving their $200 allowance for this leg. They see the cabs lined up waiting and ask how much a ride to the airport will cost them. The first cabbie tells them he will charge $150 so they ask another. One volunteers to charge $100 and Chip and Kim take it. When they arrive at the airport Chip tips the driver $20. He’s a damn good tipper that Chipper. Wow, that was groan worthy. I’ll wait while you finish rolling your eyes in disgust at my lame attempt at humor…… Done? Good. Chip tells us that he truly feels that everything you give out in the world will come back to you at some time. If you give, you will eventually get. I agree. The couple gets on the first charter out, and they are thrilled to book tickets on a flight to Dubai that will arrive at 6pm that evening. It isn’t long before they have a few other teams hanging out with them waiting for the same flight. In the next paragraph you will read about Colin’s assness. I do want to mention here though, that Kim sees the abusive relationship Christie has found herself in clearly. We see it too, but Christie is oblivious. When they are boarding the flight they see the moms charter flight landing and are hopeful that they won’t have time to grab tickets for this flight. Once in Dubai they get a cab to take them to the Hotel. Their cabbie stops right by the clue box and Chip tells everyone they can slow down as the Heliport is only open from 8 am to 6pm. It’s 6:15 pm. I guess it’s not giving away too much to say that the teams have been equalized once again. They enjoy the ride to the heliport, and grab a cab to take them to the water taxi. In the cab Chip is beginning to worry that they won’t have enough money, but I guess it’s closer than they think, as they can pay both the driver of that taxi, and the water taxi. The don’t seem to have decided whether to do the Off Road or Off Plane as they are asking cab drivers if they know where either location is. I assume they chose Off Road because a driver knew how to get there. They are really running low on money now and even discuss it loudly while being driven to the desert. Chip keeps his eye on the meter, but doesn’t directly say anything to the driver. When they arrive Chip somehow talks the cabbie into taking the money they have, but they are short. My mind flashes back to the $20 tip. The driver has agreed to take the money, receives a hug from Chip and a big thanks and hand shake from Kim. I’m not all to sure that he really understood what had just happened, but Chip and Kim are off to drive a truck. Everything starts off well, but after a while Chip gets stuck. He is spinning his wheels, and is concerned about having to wait for a tow to get them back on track. He has trouble finding some of the flags, but finally finds his way. The couple hops on a camel and have no problems with the GOS. They direct the wrangler and arrive at the Pit Stop…..
Colin and Christie 3 am
Ass. Grade A ass. Man, it’s Thursday, and it’s still all I can think of to write.
Linda and Karen 3:06 am
The moms… what? I have to think of something else for Colin and Christie’s paragraph? Darn it…. Fine.
Colin and Christie 3 am
Ass. Grade A ass. UHG! OK, so lets see. They leave the Pit Stop and find all the cabs lined up. Colin asks how much and is annoyed to learn that the cabbies are charging $100 for a 100 mile trip. Now, truth be told I live in a town where there are no cabs, but I assume that a 100 mile trip would cost you some money. $100? I have no idea, but this is a race for a hell of a lot more than that and if EVERY cab is charging that much you really don’t have a choice. He tries to talk him down to $50, then ups it to $60. The cabbie refuses, so Colin gives in and agrees to pay $100. Yes, that’s in italics for emphasis. HE AGREED. So off they go, driving to the airport. It isn’t long before they are passed by another team… then another. Colin is becoming Super Assman. Then karma hits and the tire blows out. Usually not much of a problem, except that the tire that blew was the spare. Luckily Kami and Karli are behind them and their cab stops to help. The cabbie gives Colin and Christie his spare and the twins leave, complaining. When The driver arrives at the airport he asks for his money. Colin decides to give him $50. Of course, the cabbie is not a happy man and demands the full fare. Colin refuses and walks into the airport paying the cabbie $0. Now, some of you might think that the cabbie shrugs his shoulders and considers it a lesson learned. Those of you that think that are… well, sorry, but stupid. The driver follows them into the airport where Colin yells some more. Driver wants $100. Colin wants to pay $50. When the cabbie refuses the $50 once again Colin storms off to a waiting room to chill with some of the other players who have already arrived and paid the $100. The cabbie comes in with a police officer and tells a secretary that Colin owes him money. Colin tells the secretary that he’ll give him $50. The secretary tells Colin that the cabbie wants $100. Colin then starts yelling at the cabbie again telling him to go ahead and bring the police… to bring the president of his damn country down. Have I mentioned he’s an ass? He is. Well, the police officer, who shows great restraint, has Colin walk with him to the police station. Christie is following them, and she seems a tad embarrassed. At the police station Colin says he told the cabbie he would only pay him the full amount if they arrived in the order in which they left. Now I know all about editing, but I never heard anything about that and I watched three times. For some reason Colin thinks it’s a good idea to be an ass and tell the officers he’s happy to pay $50… Hakuna Matata. Yes, he said it. Colin storms out of the station when the officer in charge arrives. Outside the officer is trying to be calm and Colin is screaming that he is being calm. Officer in charge is talking about the cabbie and Colin entering into a contract and asks to see the contract. Colin gets up in his face yelling that there IS NO CONTRACT. Ass. Meanwhile Christie is telling him to just pay the money. Colin is seething and is sure that if Christie wasn’t there he could have taken care of the situation in five minutes. I agree as he’d be in jail and the situation would have changed. The police officer tries to tell Colin that the cabbie has rights to, and he can’t just take Colin’s word for what happened. In my opinion it wouldn’t matter who he believed as Colin agreed that at one point, before the trip started, that he would pay $100. Just when it looks like I will be cheering at Colin being thrown in jail he takes out $100 and throws it on the desk and floor. He then storms out and yells at Christie to walk faster. You might be surprised to learn that apparently this was ALL Christies fault. Back in the waiting area with the other teams Colin tells his story. He is part way through when Christie says something and he yells at her to shut up or something. Later we see Christie apologizing for the incident. Not a typo, Christie is apologizing. To further show the control he has on her, we are shown a shot in the elevator (yeah, they got to the hotel without Christie screwing anything else up), they are riding up to the heliport when Colin demands a kiss. Christie complies and I have a talk with my daughter and her boyfriend. I didn’t need to, as they both agree with me anyway. The pair chooses Off Road as their Detour choice as they agree that they could wind up having to wait to long if they chose Off Plane. I am disappointed to report that Colin did a good job in the truck and with the navigation tool. Ass. They see the Pit Stop and arrive…
Linda and Karen 3:06 am
The moms are so excited to still be in the race and are really beginning to think that they could win it. They grab a cabbie and have no problem hearing about the cost of the trip to the airport. They have been on the road a short time when the cab starts to make interesting noises. The cabbie pulls over and checks his oil. He doesn’t have any. Standing on the side of the road they can see another cab approaching. They try to flag it down, but it’s the twins and they tell the cabbie to keep going. Shortly after they pass another cab comes up and stops. That cabbie lets Karen and Linda’s driver use the cell phone and another cab is dispatched. Ten minutes later the mom’s are back on the road, but are pretty sure they are now in last place. At the airport they sign up for the last charter flight and are resigned to the fact that they have to play catch up yet again. When their plane is landing in Kenya they can see other teams boarding a flight and run like the dickens to try to get tickets for that plane. Unfortunately the plane is leaving in 10 minutes and they cannot allow the moms to purchase tickets for it. They find another flight that will land at a few minutes after mid night and realize they are now about 5 hours behind the others. They get a cab to the hotel and find the clue box. They are ecstatic to read that the hours of operation are from 8am to 6pm. They are back in it baby! They find the captain of the water boat and decide that the best course of action would be to Off Road. Karen isn’t really too sure, but Linda figures it will be fun “If we roll, we roll”. I don’t think that is exactly what Karen wanted to hear. They arrive at the trucks and get strapped into the seats. Linda is driving and I’m pretty sure Karen is praying. All seems to be going well when 10 feet into the course Linda drives off a dune and gets stuck. The professional safety guy (ever team choosing this option gets one) tells Karen to back up. She does a good job of getting them un stuck and is on her way again. It isn’t long before she gets off course again. She tries to get herself out, but the tires are spinning and sand is shooting up from all four tires. They wait for a tow and get put back on the track. This time I’m pretty sure it’s Karen and the safety guy who are praying. Linda does a great job, and as usual is having a great time. They get to the camels and direct the wrangler to the Pit Stop. They are telling the camel what a great job he is doing, but I don’t hear any kudos for the wrangler who is walking the ½ mile trek. The moms see Phil and arrive…
Brandon and Nicole 3:10 am
Again we have some weird team that has no problem with the rate the cabbie is charging for the ride to Kilimanjaro. Once they arrive though, Nicole wants to pay part of the fare with Kenyan money. It would all add up to $100 American, but the cabbie doesn’t want Kenyan money. Says he has never used Kenyan money. Brandon is fine with this and says they can change the money at the airport later. Nicole is not at all happy and thinks they should have argued the point a little more. Figures Brandon is a wimp or something. Chip tries to make everyone feel better by telling Nicole that the money they gave the cabbie could be a fortune to him, that it could just change his life. Chip goes on to say that when you give things away you can look at it in two ways. You can see it as just giving stuff away, or as giving things away knowing you’ll somehow, somewhere get it back. Hey they should make a movie based on that! What? Oh… Ok then. So anyway Nicole is getting upset as she thinks Chip is saying she’s not a giving person. Brandon tells her, and Chip agrees, that no one is saying that at all. Nicole feels that Brandon should be sticking up for her. I guess I’d agree if anyone was actually picking on her, but no one is. The pair gets on the same flight as most other teams and I can’t decide if they are happy or not to learn about the 14 hour wait for the helipad. They get the clue and take a taxi to the water taxi place. The cabbie says he doesn’t have change so Brandon tells him to keep it. On the water taxi, Nicole asks other teams how much the ride there cost them. Turns out Brandon spent $20 for a $9 ride. Again Nicole is upset. Turns out that Kim understands how she feels as money is becoming an issue for her and Chip too, but she says nothing to Nicole and she is left to be upset alone. The couple quickly decides to Off Plane as their Detour choice. The cab they have chosen passes the marked flag and they have to turn around to get to the airplane. There is another team who has decided to sky dive and the players will have to race to be first in line. Brandon and Nicole suit up and are ready to leave. They are in the plane and can see other teams off roading in the desert below them. They seem to really enjoy the jump and upon landing run to the clue box. They get on a camel and direct the wrangler using the GPS without incident. They see the Pit Stop and run. They arrive…
Kami and Karli 3:12 am
The twins, who know they are in last place, figure that what they need to do is slow down. Yes, this does make sense because they are talking about thinking things through, but it sure was funny to me to hear them say it. As I mentioned above it was Kami and Karli’s cab that stopped to help Colin and Christie. When they are leaving their opponents to change the tire they acknowledge that Colin would never have stopped for them. That he didn’t even thank them for helping. They are back on the road for a short time when they see another cab on the side of the road. They can tell that it’s Linda and Karen, but tell the cab driver not to stop. For some reason they figure that helping Colin was enough and that God would be happy with that and help them later. I am slightly disappointed, but a race is a race, so I won’t hold it against them too much. I figure God will “pay them back” too, in his own little way. When the plane lands in Dubai, they show us what they mean by “slowing Down” and run through the airport even though they have no idea where they are going. For the first time in race history, they have teams following them, asking if they know what they are doing. I wonder if the teams know whom they are following. They grab a cab and have the driver take them to the hotel. They can see the clue box and ask the driver to pull over, but he is intent on delivering them to the covered entrance to the hotel. The twins have to run back to the box, but as we all know now all that running meant nothing, as they’ve all been equalized anyway. After learning of the choices for the Detour the girls decide to Off Plane it and grab a cab towards the airstrip. Karli sees a flag marking the entrance, but Kami has decided to slow down, and wants to follow the cab in front of them. She feels as though they’ve made too many quick decisions, and it hasn’t worked for them in the past. Karli is upset as she knows that the flag marked the entrance. Of course the cab they are following holds Brandon and Nicole, and when both cabs turn around to go the marked entrance that Karli saw, Kami assures her sister that they can beat Brandon and Nicole in a foot race to the plane. Kami is wrong again and the sisters get ticket number two meaning they have to sit and wait the 45 minutes for the next plane to take off. Karli, who really has a right to be upset doesn’t rub it in to much… at least not that we are shown. The girls suit up, make their jump and seem to enjoy themselves. While they are skydiving they can see the trucks below and are hopeful that they won’t be last. They get on the camel and decide that the GPS is just like a compass. Personally I’d have liked to see the teams try to use a compass to get there, but the producers are too nice for that. They direct the wrangler, asking him to speed it up every now and again. After jumping off the camel, they run to the Pit Stop where they arrive…
Desert Oasis Pit Stop
As usual I will give the arrival order followed by the order in which teams depared in parenthesis.
1. Colin and Christie (2) and they win a freakin’ trip
2. Brandon and Nicole (4)
3. Chip and Kim (1)
4. Linda and Karen (3)
5. Kami and Karli (5)
Yes, ladies and gentleman, the twins arrived last. I would like to say it was God “Paying them back” for helping Colin and not the Moms, but in all honesty I have to say it’s Kami’s fault. She should have listened to her sister. Why the heck else would the flag have been sitting there? Don’t feel too bad. They weren’t eliminated, as this was the 2nd of the 4 non-elimination rounds. They did have to give up all their money, and like the moms a couple weeks ago, won’t be given any money to start the next leg. Oh, Colin is an ASS!!
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