Soccer Kicks Balls
TAR 2 EP 8 Recap
1) Gary and Dave: Geez Louise, these guys are moaners this week. They start the race by admitting that, not only have they used the FF already, but they have also used every ounce of brainpower they have. Let me rephrase… GARY admits to this, and I have no doubt that he exhausted his brain after leaving the desert in Nevada…. Dave, I believe has some left. Gary spends an awful lot of time complaining about Dan and Os. “They are so fresh and we’re sweating like pigs”….”They’re so calm and collected and I’ve run out of anything funny to say”…. “They look so smug and shit, I forget, I should have shut up, as I ran out of funny things to say”….. “Notice how they walk by us with their noses in the air, and I’m still out of funny things to say?”
G & D choose to row a 12-man boat for their Detour challenge. They spend quite a while rowing around in circles. Then Gary throws down his paddle and has a hissy fit “”Why won’t you tell me how to do this Dave?” I have to wonder why he thinks Dave knows what the heck he is doing…. Dave decides to do the Roadblock for the team… Thank God, he’s actually a pretty nice guy when he’s not around the neurotic (in a bad way) Woody Allen wanna-be Gary. Dave reads the whole clue… just thought I’d mention it. At the end of the roadblock they are directed to next Pit Stop.
2) Chris and Alex: The Bastin Boys… Chris informs us that he’s going to smock everyone’s butt. I can’t wait to see the festive dresses he will make for the asses on the race. He then informs us that Gary drives him crazy “He tocks and tocks and tocks and tocks then when there’s nothing left to tock about, he tocks some more”
So, Chris has something for clocks and dresses… Bastin Boys decide to take the boat… they do, admittedly, kick ass here. They are the first to find out that the race is heading for Australia. Can’t tell which one it is that does the road block, but I do know that he read the entire clue… just thought I’d mention it.
3) Oswald and Danny: These two are killin’ me. They really are cool and calm. They decide it best to ask at a nice hotel for directions. This really turns out to be a good strategy as the desk clerk speaks English better than Os. (OK, I had to put in one dig, as I wouldn’t feel fair otherwise.) They get to the first clue in time to find everyone else waiting for the place to open. Other teams think these guys are just strolling in. Cha Cha decides to let them think whatever they want. They decide to choose the LION part of the Detour. They must walk on a marked out route holding a ceremonial Lion over their heads. They pick the brightest most gay lion they can find… gay in a happy way folks… They are having a blast. After finding out that they need to head to Australia they decide to find a good hotel and ask them about a travel agent. They find a travel agent in the LUCKY building, and are told to come back in an hour. So, what else would they do but…. SHOP! Woo Hoo, these guys are like a couple of 12 year old girls left at the mall alone for the first time. They giggle and prance, and prance and giggle. It is actually fun to watch. They hit a Starbucks for cappuccino, then head off for some real shopping. They spend part of their money on cologne, they have to smell good people!! They return to the travel agent to find tickets and a ride to the air port… in a Mercedes. These guys love it! All the other teams are wondering where the hell these two are. They land in Australia 35 minutes before anyone else, pampered, relaxed and feeling good. Os does the roadblock for them. Smiling and giggling the whole time. He also reads the whole clue…. Just thought I’d mention it.
4) Wil and Tara: They leave the pit stop fighting. He’s pissed because she told her boyfriend that they were going for the fast forward. Will is sure that because she did this the Bastin Boys are sure to go for it themselves. **Note to Wil: Just because you would screw anyone to get what you wanted, doesn’t mean everyone will** They decide to go for it anyway…. Until they get to the ferry that will get them there, then Wil changes his mind… this puts them on the train to the first clue with last place Blaige. They catch up with C & A and Tara greats Alex by giving him the straddle hug. They decide to take the boat in the detour challenge. If they had only been on the water with C & A they would have looked awful in their attempt to maneuver the boat, but lucky for them, they were on the water at the same time as Gary and Dave. Of course, this made Tara and Wil look better than they actually were. In Australia Wil does the roadblock. Tara READS THE ENTIRE THING TO HIM OUT LOUD, THEN TELLS HIM TO RE-READ IT AS HE’S DOING IT Just thought I’d mention it…….. Wil finds the first in a series of clues and bolts back to Tara. She greets him by saying “Did you do it right?” to which he responds “I said G’day mate” ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh What a fool. He and Tara then go on to follow the rest of the clues Wil says “I don’t want to brag, but you can’t keep a good man down” **Note to Wil: It’s only bragging if you could possibly be talking about yourself** He’s got a shit eating grin on his face as he reads the last clue: “…… return to your partner and go to the next pit stop. Nice to know that he listened to Tara as she read to him eh? Tara is pissed… rightfully so, and he (the man who gets pissed if she’s walking 1/700,000,000,000,000th slower than he is) doesn’t “get” why she’s mad…. They have to do the whole thing again
5) Blake and Paige: These two really earned the nickname “Team Smiley”. They could do toothpaste commercials. They are on the way to the Detour in a cab. Sounds good, but they get a dyslexic cabbie who tries to drive them to the other side of town. They are riding and smiling and smiling and riding. Finally they decide they should ask the cabbie for his cell phone. They call the tourism board and get someone to give the cabbie directions. By the time they get to the detour all other teams are on their way to the airport… I’ve never been happier in the knowledge that the airport seems to ALWAYS be the great equalizer here. That and the fact that I’m pretty sure it’s a non-elimination round. They choose to do the Lion… they walk and smile and smile and walk. When they are done they sweet-talk a lady out of a cab, so they can get to the airport. Apparently the smiling is contagious, as the woman steps out of the cab with a huge smile on her face. I was right… all the other teams (well minus Dan and Os) are at the airport. Blake decides to do the roadblock. We get a shot of him and Paige sitting talking to the camera “I was just going too fast, I didn’t read it all”. Guess what? They were smiling. He winds up pulling a Wil, and has to do the whole thing over again too. Paige id forced to wait with Tara. Tara spends the time complaining about what an ass Wil is. Paige smiles nervously and nods her head. I’m sure she would rather be having her nails pulled out than be sitting here with Tara.
The pit stop is on the roof of a museum. They have the Town Crier there to welcome everyone. This guy is hysterical! Unfortunately we only get to hear his famed cry once, he rings his bell and yells “WELCOOOOOMMMME TO SYYYYYDNEYYYYY” as the first place team arrives… the same team that wins a cruise on the Caribbean when all this is over…..
1st Dan and Os
2nd Bastin Boys
3rd Gary and Dave
4th Wil and Tara
5th Blake and Paige
Again, stealing from Rob… going with a team rundown… This turns out to be easier, so I figure this is how I will do the remaining episodes! I’ll do the teams in the order that they left the pit stop:
1) Oswald and Danny: These guys are the first to leave. The inform us that they have decided to become competitive… They find out that they have to do a bridge climb. This is on a first come first serve basis. Teams must sign up at the bridge. Luckily you can sign up whenever you get there, but the climbs won’t start until 5:45 the next morning. Cha cha signs up, and decide to spend the night in the lobby of a fancy hotel. They are indeed the first to climb, but teams leave every 5 minutes so it really isn’t that big a deal… unless you’re in a race or something. Upon reaching the top of the bridge they learn that they must get to Adelaide, then take one of 3 charter flights to Cooper Pedy and find the Metal Tree for the next clue. They wind up on the first charter with Chris and Alex. When they find the clue they get the DETOUR :
Cool Down or Heat up.
Cool Down is going underground into an Opal mine and finding an opal…. Then you must have a local Opal Expert take a look at it, confirm that it is indeed an opal, and you will get the next clue.
Heat up means playing 3 rounds of golf on the driest course in the world with temperatures reaching 130 degrees Fahrenheit.
They choose to mine. It’s fun to learn that they must again dress up like one of the Village People. “Miner Man”
It’s fun to dig at the M-I-N-E, it’s fun to dig at the M-I-N-E…” sorry about that.
They find a huge pile of dirt and rocks and proceed to dig. Danny finds one and is very excited. He brings it to the Opal Expert, who turns out to be an Australian redneck sitting on his pick-up truck. He informs them that they have found a rock. Os decides that the best way to find an Opal is to look for a rock . This works for them and they receive the next set of directions FIND THE LOOK OUT ON TOP OF THE BREAK AWAYS Something like that any way.
This turns out to be a ROAD BLOCK. You must use a boomerang correctly. Throw it from inside a circle, and have it land back in the circle you threw it from. Os keeps hitting the trees. Tara calls him a “limp wrist” he laughs and calls her a bitch It takes them a while, Dann is a really good Cheerleader They get the final clue… GO TO THE PITSTOP……
2) Alex and Chris: The wicked Smaht Boston Boys have decided to go for the Fast Forward. They must get to Harrys Café and eat a Meat Pie… This, it turns out is Harry’s specialty. One of them decided to go ahead and tell Blake and Paige that they were going to go for it.
They get to Harry’s and eat the meat pie. I tried to get a recipe to post, as they made it look so tasty At least they got to wash it down with a Coke. These guys are so Wicked Smaht and are very pleased that they get to go directly to the pit stop. They even think that the producers would allow them to actually get there 12 hours before everyone else. They do get to Adelaide first, and one of them decides it would be a good career move to sport some Elton John sunglasses. I’m not sure which is sadder… the thought that he brought them with him, meaning he has owned them for a while, or the thought that he spent some of his race money on them They have to wait for the charter flight and wind up on the first one with Os and Dan. One of them informs us that it is 150 degrees Fahrenheit here. That’s pretty hot… how hot is it? Tara will let us know soon….. They head to the pit stop
3) Gary and Dave: Gary is very cocky right now. He feels as though the other teams are having problems, which will open up the race for him and Dave. They sign up for the Bridge Climb and decide to use they’re waiting time by begging for money from the locals. “We’re really nice guys, could you spare a couple bucks to help us out”. Then cut to Gary “Mwuhahaha, lets see how much we fleeced from the locals”
They make the last charter to Coober Pedy. They will arrive there 15 minutes after the teams in 3rd and 4th .
They decide to mine for opals as Gary has never played golf. Are we to assume that he has mined for opals before? They mine for a little while, but notice that another team has been digging for quite a while so they decide to golf instead. There are no lefty clubs here, Uh-oh. They somehow manage to play the three rounds rather quickly and head off for the Road Block which Gary, being the manly man, decides to do. It seems as though it only takes him about 3 throws. I personally thing the boomerang was trying to come back to smack him in the head. They are off to the PIT STOP…..
4)Tara and Wil: Will starts this leg of the race actually saying that Tara was right about something. I am so stunned that I have know idea what he admitted she was right to. I have to assume that she called him an ass and that was it.
They sign up for the bridge climb and spend the night in a hotel. They somehow get to Adelaide despite the fact that he told the cabbie they needed to get to the Metal Tree. TARA: “Airport please”. They then manage to get on the charter despite the fact that Wil was telling the QUANTAS ticket agentthat they needed a NATIONAL JET SYSTEMS CHARTER. TARA: “Could you tell us where their counter is”. Does this boy EVER read directions
So, those of you who were wondering just how hot 130 degrees Fahrenheit is…Tara tells us, “It’s hotter than an oil diggers ass in Texas”. Hope that helps you, as I still have no friggin clue how hot that is
They decide to mine and after 3 minutes Wil wants to quit. Then finally he finds one of the rarest gems on earth, the ever elusive BROWN opal. No Wil. Try again. Wait he finds another one, AGAIN ther rarest of the rare BROWN OPAL. He finally admits “I’m no miner” Tara agrees, but takes it farther “No, Wil, your not a miner, you’re an idiot”. Well, she summed that up pretty well. They finaly find a GREEN opal, and take it to the resident Aussie redneck. Yep they are off to the road block.
Tara does the boomerang throwing for this team. Remember the crate lifting thing with the crane? I said then that she was good with big dumb objects. It becomes clear here that she is also good at throwing away a stupid object only to have it come right back begging for more. They are off to the PIT STOP…..
5) Blake and Paige: They decideto go for the FF even though the Bastin Boys have already told them that they will be trying for it. Of course they arrive to late. Paige doesn’t seem to upset, the meat pie didn’t turn her on anyway. This puts them as the last team to climb the bridge.
They get to the airport only to be put on stand by for the flight to Adelaide. The producers try to make this suspenseful by inserting a commercial break. We are back from commercial to see that they have made the flight out. They wind up with tickets on the second charter to Coober Pedy.
They decide to golf, as this is their dad’s passion and he has taught them how to golf since they were little. It really is too bad that he didn’t tech them how to read a map. It takes them 5 holes to shoot 3 holes of golf.
Flash to a sign reading “STAY OFF THE GRASS” This clues me in on more Australian Fosters means Beah and Grass means dirt.
They get to the Road Block and Paige decides to do it. She receives instructions from either an actor in an Aboriginal outfit, or possibly and actuall Aboriginal guy. I haven’t decided yet. Blake decides to tell Paige how to REALLY do it…Funny, our High School didn’t offer boomerang lessons….She finally getrs it done and heads off to the PIT STOP…..
1st. Chris and Alex They also win a vacation in Cancun. Lucky bahstahds!
2nd Blake and Paige
3rd Tara and Wil
4th Oswald and Danny
5th , last, and gone…. Gary and Dave
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