Last week: my adorable cowboys were saved by a non-elimination leg (Oh my gravy!) and there was a whole lot of drama over a simple cart-loading task. This week: teams trade in the lush tropicalness of the Seychelles for the blistering heat of Malaysia, which, from listening to the Racers, sounds about as pleasant as a root canal without the anesthesia.
Starting out with Steve and Allie, they admit that they did NOT go back and grab their backpacks last week - huh?! I thought for sure they could go back during the rest period and grab their stuff. Is there a rule against this, or did they just say the heck with it? One thing they did get was their seaside dinner for coming in first last week, which looked perfectly delicious for the 2 nanoseconds they showed us.
So, before heading out on the 5700 mile, 21 hour butt-numbing trip - ugh - Steve bums a few plastic bags to hold stuff from the hotel desk dude. What stuff he needs to carry, I don’t know. Maybe he raided the little shampoos and stuff from the hotel room. I sure would! The others giggle at Steve and Allie’s new totes, but that doesn’t stop Steve from asking for handouts - spare shirts, undies, whatever. He jokes that the other’s backpacks must be pretty heavy, and he’d love to help them out with that. Hopefully someone was kind enough to throw them a few tshirts and socks. Though I’d pass on the underwear.
Meanwhile, Carol and Brandy annoy by expounding on how awesome and strong they are, while Louie and Michael take Brent and Caite under their wings and plot against the Mean Lesbians. Michael proudly calls the model duo his “little wolf cubs” as Brent and Caite vow to U-Turn Carol and Brandy at the first opportunity. That’s one plan I can get behind. But is there going to be another U-Turn? Hmm. We can only hope.
Over in Last Place Land, Jet and Cord declare that “Failure is not an option,” and they look like they mean it. I can only hope so, because once I’ve picked a team as my favorite, it dooms them to failure 99% of the time. Maybe I should try some reverse psychology - go Carol and Brandy! Woohoo!
Incense and Dimwits
Once they land in blazing hot Malaysia two months later, cab drama ensues. The Racers urge their cabbies to floor it - some comply, some look totally disinterested. Jet wonders how to say ‘fast’ in Malaysian. Cord deadpans: “Fast.” Love! Some teams get stuck in traffic, leading them to ditch their cabs in favor of running on foot. Not good strategy, Steve, Allie, Dan and Jordan - soon the traffic breaks and Michael and Louie cruise by the on-foot crowd, snickering in their taxi. After a lot of leapfrogging and street racing, the teams make it to the snake temple where their Detour Du Jour awaits. This one has them doing either Buddhist Tradition or Chinese Custom. In the former, they must pick 12 giant brightly colored incense sticks of varying heights - and these suckers aren’t your regular tabletop incense sticks, they’re taller than the Racers and heavy as hell - carry them up a long stairway and into a temple, where they must be placed in order in a rack and lit. In Custom, they have to balance a giant flagpole on their heads and walk/run 120 feet without it falling.
Most teams, myself included, think the flagpole would be a major pain in the ass to do. So of course, the cowboys decide to take it on. This leads to more yelling at my tv, which has become a popular activity this season in my house. Fortunately, the cowboys prove me wrong as Cord marches right across the field with the pole on his forehead - Jet takes three tries, but he gets it done. While the boys zip off to get their Speedbump done, the others are huffing and puffing and fighting heatstroke as they trudge up the stairs with their incense “sticks.” More like small trees. Brandy and Carol are drenched in sweat - I’d rethink that all-black outfit, woman - and have to take a break, one of them complaining that she’s about to pass out. I care not which. More distressing is poor Louie, aka Captain Cardio, who sounds like he’s about to hack up a lung. I don’t know what brought on the coughing fit, but it sounds awful.
Jet and Cord have a silly Speedbump task, as they usually are. The boys have to sniff a bowl of mystery spice, then sniff out which of three cups of tea is made from said spice. They must then bring the correct cup of tea to a guru sitting on a swinging platform down the trail - it’s all very Harold and Kumar to me. I half expect Doogie to pop up from the bushes. They sniff, pick a cup of tea, and book it down the garden trail to the guru. After a cheery “Hello, guru!” from Cord, they are told that they picked the wrong cup. Running back, they get the right one and are on their merry way.
Brent and Caite finish the incense first, and get all kinds of smug about it. They’re just happy to beat the Mean Lesbians, who are right behind them. Dan and Jordan arrive after pissing Steve off - they tried to steal Steve and Allie’s cab on the way, and Steve wasn‘t having any of that. The models head out to the Roadblock as Louie *cough* is still yacking up body parts.
There’s more coconut fun to be had this week, as the Roadblock has them smashing coconuts on a concrete pad until they find a brightly colored one, then taking the coconut remains and crafting a floating tribute/offering with various odds and ends. Jet snarks that he’s not good at arts and crafts, but takes it on anyway. After smashing about 3000, he finally gets a colored one and makes his float, taking it out to the poor guy in the ocean to get his clue. Really, that dude had to draw the short straw of the group, having to stand out in the water for who knows how long, waiting on all the teams to wander through. On second thought, I’d rather be him than the guy who had to clean up that enormous pile of coconut shells.
The boys are ecstatic, knowing that they’re done and that they’re in front of other teams. They’re happy cowboys as they speed off to the Pit Stop, announcing with a smile that they’re “back in the saddle!” I’m happy for them, but I don’t know how Jet can take that heat wearing jeans, a black shirt, and black hat. Just looking at him makes me want to turn on the air conditioning.
Meanwhile, I must have blinked and missed how Steve and Allie got lost - I guess their cabbie couldn’t find the incense temple so they ended up at the flag field. Allie balks, insisting that there’s no way she can do it. Steve wants her to try, but relents and they go back to find the temple anyway, wasting precious time. An inept cabbie will kill you in this game.
Steve and Allie finally make it to the temple, as do Dan and Jordan, who have had cab issues of their own. Dan gripes that it’s “badass hot, by far the toughest leg” of the Race. While they tote incense trees, Carol, Louie *cough*, and Caite are smashing coconuts. Lucky Louie *hack* gets his on the second or third smash, while Caite rocks that silly silver Xanadu headband she seems to love so much. They build their floats and carry them out to Ocean Guy, who seems to get farther and farther out every time they show him. Damn tide.
This leaves Dan and Jordan and Steve and Allie to battle it out for last place. Dan gets hacked off when their cab stops for gas, but Steve and Allie seem to have gotten Malaysia’s Slowest Cab Driver EVER. Steve loses his patience and gets snappy, and Allie apologizes to the driver. The two teams perform the Roadblock and race to the Pit Stop, greeting a perspiring (but still adorable!) Phil at the Mat…
1st - Jet and Cord, nabbing a 5 night trip to Maui. The first team ever to go from last to first while completing a Speedbump. Awesome, guys.
2nd - Carol and Brandy. Meh.
3rd - Michael and Louie *cough*
4th - Brent and Caite. Xanadu!
5th - Dan and Jordan, barely beating:
Steve and Allie, who are Philiminated. Some bad decisions, some bad cab drivers did them in. Hugs, tears, and I love yous are exchanged before they go change those funky clothes and Steve can have a beer. I would have liked to see them stick around longer, but what can you do. Besides wish bad things on a certain other team, that is.
Next week: we’re in Singapore! Dan and Jordan get the crap scared out of them in a mile-high task, and Brent and Caite do something to piss off Carol and Brandy. Like, breathe. Please join us for the fun…see you then!