Last week, our Racers got lit on German beer, ill on sauerkraut, and sauntered through a red light district in search of Phil in a decidedly non-G rated leg. Also, Jeff and Jordan’s behinds were saved by a well-placed non elimination. This week, everyone is piled onto a bus to travel to a new, secret, jumping off point somewhere in France.
Let Them Eat Bread
On the ride over, Jeff promises that they will not come in last again, dammit. Joe has his bum knee packed in ice, and gripes about the pain. Having broke my leg a week and a half ago, I feel your pain, Joe. Literally. Something has turned the detectives Louie and Michael against Joe - they’re not liking his cocky attitude, and think he needs to be taken down a notch. Let’s just say they won’t be starting the Joe Fan Club anytime soon.
The bus pulls up in front of a beautiful mansion shrouded in mist that reminds me a lot of Biltmore House. Without the pesky tourists underfoot. Upon ripping open the next clue, racers find that they must drive themselves to a nearby city, find a specific bakery, and buy a fresh baguette. Or bag-a-wet, as Cord pronounces it. Silly cowboys. Cord wonders what a baguette is - Jet thinks it is some kind of pastry, and ponders if they’ll be allowed to eat it. Looks like nobody had time for their Cheerios this morning.
They didn’t cheap out on the cars this leg, for sure. Everyone gets a sweet looking Mercedes (automatic drive, thankyouverymuch) that they seem to enjoy quite a bit. No Toyotas here! Though that might get them there quicker than they want.
Louie and Michael get to the bakery first, and quickly deduce that the clue is baked inside. Hey, they aren’t detectives for nothing. They snap the bread in two, retrieve the laminated clue, and munch happily on the treat as they head off to the waiting Detour. Of course, we have a few teams that get lost. Jeff and Jordan get caught up in traffic circles and have a lot of trouble finding their way out, sniping at each other as they drive aimlessly. Not looking good for team “Not Coming In Last!” Brent and Caite also take a wrong turn, but manage to finally find the correct bakery. Caite is glad the bread doesn’t have any “crazy crap” in it as she stuffs it in her face, talking to the camera with her mouth full. That must be some good baguette by the way everyone inhales it.
How Do You Say "You're Screwed" in Morse Code?
Next - the Detour! Looks like a fun one. Teams have the choice of In the Trenches or Under Fire in a WWI reenactment. Trenches involves getting down there and deciphering a message in Morse code, while Under Fire has them crawling under barbed wire across a field, retrieving a message, then crawling back and sending the message off by way of carrier pigeon. Not a single team chooses to deal with the Morse code task, and I don’t blame them.
Oh, and all this is done while various biplanes and the Red Baron fly overhead, complete with explosions and gunshots. And of course, teams must don period costumes to make it complete. Very cool.
Louie and Michael make it first, and have issues getting the outfits over their big selves. Maybe scarfing that baguette wasn’t a good idea. They eventually get zipped up (suck in that gut!) and head out. Michael seems to enjoy the Detour, even though he chokes on the dust and dirt thrown around by the “bombs.” Not having so much fun is Louie, who has slacked on his cardio training and has to be encouraged by Mike to get his butt in gear. Poor Louie looks like he’d be completely content to just lie in the field and take a nap.
Bum knee Joe, Heidi, and Steve and Allie soon arrive as the detectives tie their “war is over” message to the carrier pigeon and get their next clue. On the way out, Louie and Michael run into a Blind U-Turn. I hate Blind U-Turns. Really. You can pretty much get a team booted by using it, which is what they were hoping for, I’m sure. After not a whole lot of deliberation, Louie and Michael choose to U-Turn Joe and Heidi, wanting to “knock him off his pedestal.” Shocker, I know. Michael is nonchalant about it, saying he’s here to win, not make friends. I can’t disagree, but still.
Carol and Brandy spend much of their time pissing and moaning about getting dirty - I think it was mostly Brandy, but I tend to tune both of these people out when I hear them starting to screech. Brandy wails that this is “not what I signed up for!” Seriously, woman, have you never watched this show? I wish she was on the season they had those godawful foot massages that sent everyone through the roof in sheer pain. Was that in Japan? Just imagine the caterwauling she’d be doing over that. Heh.
While they whine, Brent arrives and marvels at those “flying things” up in the sky. Brent, hon, those are airplanes. You’re not doing much to dispel the ditzy model image, are you? Meanwhile, Jeff and Jordan are just getting to the bakery. Or so says editing. It takes Jeff a second or two to figure out that the clue is inside the loaf - hell, he was in disbelief that he was even in the right bakery until the helpful baker dude pointed to his shirt, confirming it. They peel open the clue, Jordan heartily inhaling the bread. I watched her on Big Brother last summer - girlfriend does love her carbs.
Boobs On The Ground
It doesn’t take Joe and Heidi long to figure out who U-Turned them, since there were only two teams ahead of them and one of those teams - Steve and Allie - make it abundantly clear that it wasn’t them who did the deed. The couple head grudgingly heads back to do the Morse code task that everyone was loathe to do.
Meanwhile, Joe and Jordan bicker, Brandy continues her bitchfest, and Brent and Caite have fun doing the Detour, which causes Brandy to proclaim that the two models are “stupid.” Such a joy, that Brandy. Joe and Heidi find that the Morse code is kicking their butts, making several attempts at deciphering the message with the little handbook. They don’t give up, even as Jeff and Jordan arrive to do their Speedbump.
The Speedbump is usually a silly little task meant to eat up a few minutes, and this is no exception. Jeff and Jordan must get in a trench and reinforce a shelter with branches, weaving them in and out to the satisfaction of an inspector. They get it done, then head off to Under Fire, while Jordan bemoans the fact that her clothes and shoes are too big. Poor Jordan’s just not having fun, thinking the whole task just sucks out loud. Jeff hollers at her to “Put your boobs on the ground and drag ‘em over here!”
While this is going on, the remainder of the teams are headed to the Pit Stop, by way of bicycle. Four miles worth of bike riding - and this ain’t no ten speed - complete with traditional riding gear, silly helmet, and goofy fake mustaches. Jordan compares himself to Lance Armstrong (not), Jet and Cord let it be known that they much prefer horses to bicycles, and guess what - Brandy complains. Mute buttons were made for this woman.
As teams are checking in with Phil and his band on the Mat, Joe and Heidi are still struggling with the second half of the Detour. They eventually give up, and sit huddled miserably in the trench as the sun goes down and Jeff and Jordan complete the Detour.
Here’s how they finished:
1st - Louie and Michael, once again. They are rewarded with a 55 inch HDTV each.
2nd - Steve and Allie
3rd - Jet and Cord
4th - Dan and Jordan
5th - Carol and Brandy
6th - Brent and Caite - even after they’re sent back to pick up the Detour clue they bypassed, they still held 6th place.
7th - Jeff and Jordan
Philiminated - Joe and Heidi, victims of the U-Turn. They never could get the Morse code thing right, and Phil had to come get them out of the trenches to give them the bad news. They’re sad to get booted, but both said they had a great time.
Next week: Brent and Caite take a turn fighting, and wreck a pile of wine glasses.
*This recap brought to you courtesy of Percocet!