Welcome back, TAR babies! I was really hoping they’d let the bitch box drama of last week die a quiet death, but of course, we have to revisit it a bazillion times tonight. I don’t know why, as there’s plenty of fresh drama to be had this week: foot massages from hell, fears of drowning, and a psych-out finish at the mat that left Jaime and Cara cold. Good times.
Kisha and Jen take off first this week at 1:48 pm, opening their clue to find they must fly over 1000 miles to Beijing, China, where they will hunt for the Liangzi Jian Guo Men Dian foot massage spa. Which I shall hereafter call the spa, because I’m just not typing all that again.
On the way to the airport, Kisha and Jen are more than ready to let bygones be bygones and drop all the drama from last week. We’re ready to move on, they say. So am I! Margie and Luke? Not so much. Luke signs that he’s done with the sisters, refuses to talk to them anymore, and wants to get to the final three and “kick their ass.” Way to hold a grudge, Luke.
Tammy and Victor are excited, having just been in Beijing for the Olympics not too long ago - so not only do they know the language, they know the city, too, which they think is a huge advantage. You would think these two would be whooping up on the others in China, but it's not happening. Jaime and Cara complain about never getting a first place finish, and Jaime really, really, really wants one. You can see where this is going.
All teams zip off to the airport. Kisha and Jen end up getting in line right behind Margie and Luke, doing their best not to make eye contact. Awkward! The sisters spot another woman behind the counter and ask if she could help them, but they just get a blank stare in return. I guess that’s a no. As the first woman tells Margie that her international credit card cannot be used at that counter, Kisha snips that “They should be able to say ‘Me no speak English’ or something, but they just give you this look, like zombies.”
Er, yeah. And that concludes our Ugly American bit for the evening.
Off to another counter they go, and all teams end up on the same flight anyway. Tammy did manage to snag seats in the front of the plane while getting Jaime and Cara stuck in one of the back rows. Finally, speaking Mandarin got them some sort of an advantage.
As everyone waits for their flight, Kisha and Jen take a walk while the other teams sit around and listen to Margie dish about the cluebox bitchfest. Jaime and Cara eat it up, and Victor gently defends the sisters, saying that he didn’t think they meant anything by smiling. Plus, Kisha did apologize. Margie’s not hearing any of it. Kisha and Jen walk up, and gossip changes to small talk, which the sisters want no part of.
As expected, Tammy and Victor get off the plane first, but their lead didn’t last long. And Luke collided with Kisha as they all rushed to the cabs, but he ignored her, happily telling his mom in the cab that “We kicked Kisha and Jen’s ass!” Jaime and Cara end up with a good cab for once (they say), their driver zipping by the others and getting them to the Roadblock at the foot massage spa in first place. In a few minutes, they’ll probably wish they’d never found the place.
No Happy Endings Here
The Roadblock consists of sipping one cup of Chinese medicinal tea, then getting a ten minute foot massage. Apparently, it isn’t a pleasant one - racers can cry uncle to make the pain stop, but would only have to start over again if they did. Lovely. If they make it through the torture, they have to chug one more cup of icky tea to get the next clue.
Cara gets to be lucky number one, wrinkling her nose at the taste of the tea and settling back to get the foot massage. Kisha comes in next, and already, Cara tells her “This does not feel good!” Soon, she has tears in her eyes and Kisha has taken to biting her jacket in pain. Jaime barks from the waiting room that Cara better not give up, as she writhes in pain and tells Jaime to shut up. Hee!
Tammy then walks in, wide eyed at the carnage before her: Kisha chomping on her jacket and Cara just about bawling in pain. “Is it really that bad?” she fearfully asks the two. Cara replies that having a baby’s got to be easier. Cut to a shot of the masseuses, grinning evilly as they jam their knuckles into the tender spots on Cara and Kisha’s feet. One of them has fangs. Seriously. They’re enjoying this way too much. Note to self: never get a foot massage in Beijing.
Time’s up for Cara and Kisha, and they thankfully drink the last cup of funky tea and get the hell out of there, limping on tender feet. This leaves Tammy and Luke, who hold hands as they take their turn getting their metatarsals fractured. Luke signs “Ow” and bites his cap while Tammy powers through the pain without whining. Tears in her eyes, but no whining. Kisha snarks that “There wasn’t anything amazing about that massage!”
A cab fight ensues as they all head off to Guangcai Natatorium, where the Detour awaits. Kisha and Jen couldn’t find a cabbie who knew the way, and Kisha ends up asking the same guy twice: “They all look alike!” she says. I hope she meant the cabs. *sigh* Tammy and Victor tried to snag the cab that Jaime and Cara had their eye on, but Jaime won out. Tammy deferred, saying the she doesn’t want to get in a fight with Jaime because “She scares me.” It’s not just you, girl. She scares everyone.
Arriving at the Detour first, Tammy and Victor find that they must Sync or Swim: either try out synchronized diving until they get a score of 5 by the judges, or change into a Speedo laser suit like the one worn by Michael Phelps and take turns swimming 100 meter laps in a pool, until they completed 400 meters. Phelps’ time was put up as a benchmark, but there was no way these people would come close to it unless they were launched across the water with a cannon. And I promise, I'll do my best to leave the bong jokes alone.
Not thrilled about their swimming abilities, Tammy and Victor decide to try the diving. And fail miserably, time and again. They score a one, then a two. Then a one again. I don’t know what’s funnier, Vic in a skimpy black Speedo or the sight of them flailing and bellyflopping into the pool. Kisha and a terrified Jen go to try the dive, then quickly decide to change tasks and swim instead.
Meanwhile, Jaime and Cara and Margie and Luke are stuffing themselves into the incredibly tight laser suits. Cara swims decently (even with her “friend” bellowing at her not to rest), but Margie and Luke are obviously no strangers to the water, finishing in a little over 8 minutes. Jaime has all the grace of a hippo falling into the water, while Kisha struggles to pull herself down the pool by using the floating dividers. Well, that’s one way to do it.
Poor Jen is getting more frightened by the minute, and they switch yet again to diving. After a few crappy scores, Jen has a meltdown, crying and wanting to go home. Margie and Luke spy them on the way out, and Margie smugly says in the cab “Jen and Kisha, bye bye. They’re tough on land, but in the water they’re nothing.” Classy!
Because it’s perfectly okay to ridicule someone for a debilitating condition that they’ve grown up with. Right, Margie? Pff.
No Trip For You!
Seeing the redheads and Margie and Luke leave, Tammy and Victor finally give up on getting the dive right, and swim instead. This, they’re much better at. Kisha has managed to pump her sister up enough to try swimming again. Jen puts on a life jacket to help ease her fear of sinking, and Kisha dons one also so her sis won’t feel so goofy. It was really sweet. Even though it took them forever, they finished.
On the way to the Pit Stop, Margie gloats and Victor gets a terrible leg cramp, causing him to keep his leg stuck out the cab door in hopes to shake it off. Tammy tells him to put the sucker in the car so they can get going, but he can’t. He hollers in pain (we could always call the sadistic masseuses back, Vic) and finally gets his leg bent into the tiny cab. Off they go.
Remember how Jaime and Cara were complaining that they’ve never gotten a first place finish? Well, bitch no more, girls - they land on the mat first! You’re team number one, declares Phil. Jaime is delighted, falling against Cara and smiling with glee, waiting for the Philiminator to announce what wonderful trip they had won, happy to have finally reached that elusive goal of first place.
With a flick of The Brow, Phil coolly hands them their next clue and tells them that they’re still racing, this leg ain’t over. Jaime’s face goes blank in disbelief. No first place finish, no trip, nada. It’s a supersized leg, and her dreams of first place were instantly crushed like a bug under Phil’s impeccable loafers.
It was a beautiful thing to see.
So, everyone’s still in it, but we only have two episodes left this season. It's almost over! *cries* Tune in next week to see the racers chow down on some nasty Chinese “delicacies” and watch Jaime complain about the language barrier again. Til then!